a week in my mind and you won't want to go home...

Wednesday, 30 December 2009

Scribbles signing out for 2009...

19:25 Posted by Sir Scribbles 19 comments
2009 don end shaaaa! Like play like play 2009 is merely hours from ending and Sir Scribbles II has a wheelbarrow's worth of things to be thankful for in 2009. I think what I'm most thankful for is Blogsville, Una too much sha! I cnt even begin to detail how much I've been blessed by you guys I swear! From people I've met to lessons I've learnt, e too much to write for one post! Thanks...that's all I can say...Thank you! Anyways I just wanted to do a recap of stuff dat happened as the year was drawing to a close...enjoy peeps

Na the silent ones dangerous pass mehn! Who'd have thought Tiger Woods would be putting balls in different holes on and off the golf course? If Tiger could do it who am I? Oga was a role model to many and look how he just threw it all away in d laps of a woman..sorry...many women! I still can't believe oga had like 15 mistresses shaaaa! Well he just proved dat truely body no be wood, he simply took his tiger and decided to enter any and all woods he came across...Big ups to you Tiger! Let's see how u come back from this one.

Too many people died in 2009. I dnt want to talk too much on dis cos e go dull d mood but peeps shud please be careful next year cos we lost too many good folks in 2009. I don talk my own sha, in 2010 I'm going to be extra careful and very safety conscious because you never know where or when the Grim reaper go wan play expensive joke. In 2010 I go dey wear helmet butter bread sef.

He's probably the only terrorist who had to repeat playgroup in Suicide bombing school. I'm soooo tempted to go crazy in dis paragraph nd give u an overdose of quips on dis guy but na very serious issue so I'll behave myself. Mutallab messed up shaaaa! D guy fall naija hand on a global scale and even though naija does dat on a normal day I dnt think we need any assistance from terrorists whether d one's wey sabi explode or the one's wey no sabi. However, it does raise some very important questions don't you think? how did he get past the 'omniscient' entity that is Airport security? How did he smuggle a syringe past that uber cool xray machine thingy? Apparently oga's popsy reported him to the authorities and they didn't take him seriously, isn't dat just crazy? How can someone's popsy tell you that his son is a radical and might be a threat to the lives of others and you just file his name under 'Pikin of paranoid papa'? I tire sha, dis is one issue I think will have cause a chain reaction nd not d good kind. Make we dey watch as e dey happen.

I'm tired og yanning joh! Wishing all d lovely folks a wonderful year ahead and that goes out to all of you cos all of you are lovely. Just so this doesn't catch you unaware I might stop blogging...not confirmed yet but I'm thinking about it nd just thot I'd tell you. Happy New year peeps! PEACE OUT!

Saturday, 19 December 2009

Spoof Ad #5

16:09 Posted by Sir Scribbles 23 comments
Are you scared of humiliation? Do you hate awkwardness and loathe mortification? If you've answered yes to any of these questions then you know how it feels to be powerless when caught unaware in a less than admirable position. Man has always found a way to solve problems that have faced his society and has done remarkably well in eliminating or curbing the negative effects of such problems but some things just can't be solved, things like embarrassment! According to statitics, embarrassment is the world's most deadly consequence of awkward situatons (Statics unverified) and no one has ever thought to address this issue...until now! Scribble corp. has made another breakthrough discovery just like RAZZ-BE-GONE and VIRTUAL MAMA 2000. Ladies and Gentlemen I give you...

THE TRANSMUGULATOR

The name says it all, THE TRANSMUGULATOR is an anonymous and fast way to transfer a potentially embarrassing position from yourself to someone else making that unsuspecting receipient your Mugu. As is every Scribbles corp. product the Transmugulator is safe and easy to use but we'd rather you hear what a patron had to say about this wonderful product. Here's a testimony from a very staisified customer. (Names and places have been changed to protect the identity of this consumer)

"
My name is Sandra Bamboye and I use to be the Vice Principal of Atutupoyoyo Grammar School. A friend of mine got me the Transmugulator as a birthday present and made me promise to carry it on me everyday, I didn't see the point then but I indulged her nontheless. During a PTA meeting a few weeks later I was delivering the term update to parents and teachers alike when I was suddenly arrested by a fart. This wasn't the silent twitch-your-butt cheek and release fart, this was the loud kind and I knew it was because when the fart got to the rim of my rectum the muscles in my waist contracted and I had to clench my butt cheeks to keep this monstrosity of a fart from escaping. Then I remembered the Transmugulator my friend got me, I reached into my pocket calmly, pictured the person I wanted to transfer the fart to in my mind
and squeezed the Transmugulator. Instantly I felt relieved and almost immediately the Principal let out a resounding fart. Today, I am the Prinicipal of Atutupoyoyo Grammar School and I owe it all to the Transmugulator. I highly recommend this product to everyone and hope it blesses you as much as it blessed me"

Don't let embarrassment stop you from achieving your goals, Don't be a Mugu when someone else can be a Mugu for you. Place your order now and the first 10 customers to order will receive a priceless 'Marko Blake Parker Pen'. Don't let fate and luck run your life, seize control and never be a mugu again with the TRANSMUGULATOR!!!!!!!!!

THE TRANSMUGULATOR
Why be a Mugu when someone else can do it for you?

DISCLAIMER: Use of the Transmugulator is completely under Consumer discretion and Scribble corp. will not accept responsibility for transfers leading to loss of Life, Money or any other form of property especially over the internet. The Marko Blake Parker Pen comes without Ink. Minor Side effects like irregular bowel movement, tiny cranial fractures and cardio-jerks may be exprienced. Enjoy!

Friday, 18 December 2009

My mum was a superhero

03:37 Posted by Sir Scribbles 20 comments
Anyways your favourite Igbo boy was revisiting his childhood a couple days back and if you aren't familiar with my antics as a child then I'll just give you a summary right now, I was a handful! If my popsy had gotten a receipt for me when I was born he'd have returned me at the age of 6! Ok I kid I kid but I was a nutter as a child. My curiousity sent me to places that only an ass whooping would keep me away from in the future. No points for guessing who dished out the regular whooping needed to keep me in line, Mama Scribbles! She was one of those Mums that as a child you could swear on your Power Rangers lunchbox that she had superpowers. As a growing pikin I believed my mum had three powers, Heat Vision, Superspeed and Telepathy and I'll tell you why.

Mumsy definitely had heat vision, that one na konfirmed gist! It manifested as microwaves that shot out of eyes and enveloped you in utter chatisement. My mumsy could glare at you from across the room and you'd immediately feel like your body was on fire, you'd start to twitch uncontrollably, you'd get sweaty and sometimes you'd just feel like the whole room was on fire! Sometimes she wouldn't even take up a cane and whoop me, all she needed to do was stare at me with her heat vision and I'd immediately feel like I was being flogged with a bamboo stick that'd been spiced with pepper and garnished with tough love. She still has the heat vision sha and it's even more powerful now cos she can send it all the way from naija and I'd feel it anyway in the world via sms, email or voicecall.

Mumsy had superspeed, her reflexes were amazing and if Spiderman thinks he's got skills cos he swings from buildings and somersaults off rooftops then he hasn't seen my mum take off a shoe, fling it as a door knob to lock the door, do a backflip and catch the shoe as it ricocheted back off the door and smack your 4yr old right ass cheek all before Terry G can say 'Free me now!' You know how you go shoping with your mum or dad in a supermarket and as they're pushing the shopping cart across the aisle you throw stuff into the cart? Well my mum made us understand that the only thing that should ever be in the shopping cart were things she put there herself. One day I tried to toss a can of Pringles into the cart and I can swear she caught it in mid-air cos the before I knew it she'd snatched it, whacked me on the head with it and placed it back on the shelf, it was a rebound even Kobe Bryant would envy. Till Today if I see Pringles in a supermarket I feel a subtle bump on my head.

Finally, mumsy was a telepath and for those of you who are running to google it simply means she could communicate with our minds without the use of speech, writing, signs or symbols. Sometimes you'll think you've beaten her and kept something from her only to be ambushed on your bed in the middle of the night and have a confession whooped out of you. When a crime was committed in the Scribbles household she always knew the culprit. Like the time someone broke the windshield of Dad's car, or the time someone left the tap on and flooded the bathroom, or the time someone singed the carpet with a pressing iron cos they'd left it on and gone to play football....if you haven't already guessed it the culprit was always me me me!

Ps: My Bday is 2moro, the 19th...it'll probably be a quiet one :)

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

From my playlist...

07:59 Posted by Sir Scribbles 14 comments
If for any reason you read the previous post and thot to yourself "hmmm that's actually a possibilty' I'd like to have you as a roommate when I get my padded cell lol. Have you heard Charlie boy's new single? It's called 'Commercial waist' and as you may already guessed I have a comment on the tune hehehehe. Part of the chorus goes 'This one na commercial waist, this kin wasit no dey lacky o, na everything man dey find o...". Ok as usual I require you to keep an open mind here cosvour expert analysts here at The Royal Scribbles have concluded that Charlie boy deals in human parts lol. Let me prove it to you. According to Microsoft Encarta the term 'Commercial' relates to commerce which involves the buying and selling of goods and services. Now by attaching this term to a body part as Charlie boy has done as well as cross-referencing our findings with the release date of the video I can only conclude that this christman period Charlie boy will be doing a sale of female waists lol. Replace 'Commercial waist' in the chorus wiv another commodity, let's use 'Air force ones'. "This one na Air force ones, this kin Air force one no dey lack o, na everything man dey find o..." doesn't that sound like something a shop keeper will be screaming at you in alaba market? With these few points of mine I hope I have been able to convince and not confuse you that Charlie Boy will be handing out discount vouchers on thighs and armpits in the near future.

For those of you how are part of my wonderful Twitfam you will have noticed I have taken a certain liking to this mad man you see preceding this paragraph lol. He is mad shey? I KNOW! The man is a nutcase and his video 'Free madness' is more than a subtle sign of his craze! I think I knwo why he's so hyper, he brushes his teeth with Redbull or maybe he shampoos his hair with Suya pepper, or maybe as a child he was dropped on his head..onto a live wire. Wateva assumption you make about Terry G's behaviour it still points to the fact that the man is mental...but I DEY FEEL THE GUY JAMZ!!!!!!!!!!!! I won't lie to you sha, I've listened to that Free madness song loads of times...evevn listening to it now hehehehe lol.

Finally I'll talk about another favourite song of mine and it's a fav song not cos I like it but cos the lyrics crack me up big time. Sound Sultan's 'Bushmeat'. I'll go straight to the point with this one, the chorus goes "One day Bushmeat go catch the hunter (x3), catch the hunter. catch the hunter eeeee". I can't help but imagine driving from Abuja to Enugu and then just after 9th mile I see a the figure of a man hanging from a piece of rope and then Bushmeat standing beside him wiv a sign dat reads 'Freshly caught Hunter for sale'. Btw can someone please let me know when Jim Iyke finally figures out who he really is? from his song 'Who am I' I deduced he'd been struck with some degree of amnesia cos he called himself a street corner among other things lol. Maybe I shud help with his rehabilitation..."Jim, you are a tellytubby, but not just any tellytubby, you are a tellytubby who's a sex offender as well" lol I'm mean shey?

Monday, 7 December 2009

The Bermuda Triangle

05:45 Posted by Sir Scribbles 5 comments
Have you heard of the Bermuda triangle? The Bermuda Triangle, also known as the Devil's Triangle, is a region in the western part of the North Atlantic ocean in which a number of aircraft and surface vessels are alleged to have mysteriously disappeared in a manner that cannot be explained by human error, piracy, equipment failure or natural disasters. Popular culture has attributed these disappearances to the paranormal, a suspension of the laws of physics, or activity by exraterrestrial beings. I have come to a very shocking yet insightful conclusion within the past few days and it explains a lot of things in my life. I have concluded that all the sock(s), pens, pencils, pencil sharpers, crayons, keys, coins, sim cards, remote controls that have ever vanished mysterioulsy in my life somehow found their way to the bermuda triangle. No laugh, dis na serious problem I swear! How many times have you wanted to go out and looked for a pair of socks only to find one sock? as if the other sock said "Omo dis job 'socks', I quit" lol. And I'm sure you have lost pens, pencils and sim cards b4 shey? You know what trips me? When I leave the house I know I dnt have a pen on me but when someone asks me for a pen outside I start to frisk myself like olokpa trying to find a pen I know I dnt have on me. Seriously think about it, where do all these items go? I believe there's a big container in the bermuda triangle labelled 'Property of Sir Scribbles II' and in that container you will find all my missing crayons 4rm primary 1-4, about 68 different single socks, 2 of my Econet (now zain) sim cards, 2 unused condoms and possibly my Gameboy advance. I just have one request for the Aliens who have been stealing my stuff and stashing it in the bermuda triangle, you can have the socks, take the Sim cards and keep the condoms, just give me back my Gameboy please....ok nd the condoms too lol.

Sunday, 6 December 2009

Sunday evening with Kate

08:48 Posted by Sir Scribbles 32 comments
It's sunday evening and I'm on my bed trying to get some work done when my sister calls me from the kitchen to tell me some of her friends are coming over. Now my sister's friends have dis common trait, some of them have this suggestive behaviour around me and to be honest I find it cute but sometimes it's a bit uncomfortable and that's because most of them are between the ages of 15-17 . It's normal for them to have all those fairytale crushes on an older guy even though I'm still a young broda but sometimes some of them take it a bit too far. The girls come over and I go downstairs to say hi, they all go into the kitchen and I decide to sit in the living room with my laptop. I'm sitting there listening to music and tweeting when one of the girls comes into the living room, she smiles, I smile back and she sits beside me trying to form all interested in what I'm doing. Now I have to give u a short back-story concerning me and this young lady, her name is Kate, she's 17, she has a sister who's 23, they are family friends, while back I flirted wiv her sister but it was perfectly harmless, just me being all charming and funny, I noticed Kate wasn't very excited about me flirting wiv her sis and she was kinda avoiding me throughout the rest of the day but I didn't read too much meaning into it cos I just thot we were all having fun. Anyway Kate was siting beside me now and I'm watching 'QI' on my laptop. She compliments my haircut, I thank her for the compliment and ask her if she went to church today, she said she was just coming from church and decided to just pop in to see me, "See me?" I say, "Dnt you mean see us?", she said seeing 'us' means the same thing cos it still involves seeing 'me', now I'm interested in what this young lady is putting on the table cos only a mugu will not sense that he's being flirted with at that very moment. Unconsciously, I had closed 'QI' on my laptop and started playing naija jamz, 'Plantain Boy' was playing now and she got up and started dancing in front of me. If it was an attempt to impress me it wasn't working, no be sey the babe no fine or she no get fine body (a fact I feel uneasy accepting), it just felt wrong cos we are family friends, harmless flirting is alright but if she was attempting to get me 'excited' then that wud just be wrong. If you dnt accpet that excuse then blame it on the song, 'Plantain Boy' is not a jam dat can get many boys 'excited'. She sits back down, I get up to switch on the TV in an attempt to divert attention, I'm standing infront of the TV flicking through channels and then she gets up, walks up to me and presses her boobs up against my arm. This isn't the first time she's done this, infact it's become her M.O. I didn't want to act all edgy cos her boobs were on my arm so I just stood there acting all calm, 'I like your glasses Robby, will you give them to me? she asks, " Well I know the glasses are hot but if you want them you'll have to join the queue cos a lot of my friends want them too", She smiles and says "Well if you give me the glasses I'll let you have something of mine free of charge". Now I wish I was one of those naive people who'd hear this sentence and think she's talking about some discount vouchers at NEXT or something but the only thing dat kept echoing in my head was 'SEX SEX SEX SEX'. Now I know things have gone too far, I know her popsy for crying out loud! Her brother is one of my best mates, My mumsy calls them all her children, if dis babe was thinking wat I think she ws thinking then wahala dey! Besides I dnt do underage, I hear the legal age of consent is 16, well you can go and tell Mr. Prime minister that mine's is 18 thank you!! My sister walks into the room and Kate immediately retracts her booobs 4rm my arm lol, Me I just dey behave like sey nothing happen sef lol. The other girls come into the living room too and announce that they might be leaving soon, I'm half-tempted to ask for Kate's number because I realised I'd never bothered to collect it prior to dis evening. However collecting her number wud mean I was interested in dis 'venture' she was proposing right? well I dnt need to add to d stress in my life so I decided not to ask for the number. The girls start filing out of the house, Kate is the last to leave and as she walked out into the night she turned and blew me a kiss which I dodged Matrix-style in my head. To be honest it was an interesting night but I doubt anything will happen between us, the wahala will be too much for me abeg! My phone beeped, it was a message from a number I didn't recognise, I opened it and couldn't help but laugh. It read:

"Maybe next time Robby...Kate xxx"