a week in my mind and you won't want to go home...

Friday, 25 June 2010

Technology is evil

17:34 Posted by Sir Scribbles 30 comments
(NB: This is a satirical post) Ladies and Gentlemen, I am posting today to bring an argument before you. I am here with one intention and it is to convince you that Technology is evil! It is the the spawn of malevolent minds and intentions. It is the bringer of sorrow and despair. It is the epitome of torment and torture. I won't be making such bold claims if I lacked the evidence to back them up so let me elaborate on why I think the world would have been better off without technology. I will focus on three minions of technology in my argument and they are: Television, Mobile Phones and The Internet. Let us begin


This is the oldest minion of technology among the three I just listed. It is the four-edged bringer of violence and immorality. Television has evolved from the black and white pictures which dazzled our fore-fathers to the HD ready televisions of today which are ever-ready to bring scenes of gore and kpanching to our very eyes in stunning high definition pictures. Some of you might be saying, "But Scribbles, wetin you dey yan sef? Television is a source of information and not all shows are violent and explicit" and your argument would be completely valid. However, television is not just a bearer of violence and immorality. It is also one of the major sources of depression anxiety, tension and heartache. For Example, where did we all see Sani Kaita show off his kung fu/match-selling skills? At the World Cup via the television. Where did we see Greece beat Nigeria 2-1 and consequently give Zeus and Hercules the right to call Amadioha and Sango their b#tches? On the television. Where did we first see Yakumumu Ayegbeni miss an open net from 3yrds? on the frigging television. I am sorry but despite bringing us Godly channels like TBN, informative channels like CNN and educational yet painfully boring channels like The History Channel, I think Television is a device concocted by diabolical minds to serve us an information-entertainment soft drink but then spike it with sorrow and torment with little ice cubes of kpannching and kpoxing. I am watching a television now and guess what's on? The England manager giving a press conference on England's exit from the World Cup and his future career as their manager. Isn't that just depressing? The man just got kicked out of the competition by a team who almost, if not actually, molested them on the field and you are making him give a press conference instead of getting him to a psychiatrist to make sure the whole ordeal didn't tamper with him mentally? That's just unfair and uncalled for but such is the habit of television. It never fails to milk embarrassment and humiliation out of it's victims and if you think that's a lie why don't you ask Tiger Woods or Umar Mutallab what it feels like to be breaking news.

Mobile Phones:

Take a look at the picture on the left. Take a good hard look at it. That my friends is the face of evil. There is a saying in the Scribble household: "Man wey carry mobile phone no know sey e dey give devil piggyback ride". Despite the questionable source of this saying, it cannot be ignored or denied that mobile phones are indeed the devils minions. Every feature of the average mobile phone has be designed diabolically to carry a facade of innovation but entrails of pure menace. Nowadays people can have sex via text which just undermines the whole point of kpanching which is 2 (or more) pple getting down and getting jiggy which each other while there's physical contact between them. The iPhone and BlackBerry are evil devices which don't need any more description than a prostitute with a tattoo on her forehead saying "I bang for bucks". Everything from BlackBerry messenger to the gazillion apps the iPhone offers points only in one direction, a total abandonment of self-reliance and a complete dependency on the mobile phone. Have you seen Lady Gaga and Beyonce's "Video phone" music video? You have? do I need to say anything more in this paragraph? I don't think so.

The Internet:

Oh my goodness! I had to clutch my bible in one hand and put rosary beads between my teeth before typing the name "Internet". Forget sey I dey use internet type this post, it is unfortunately a necessary evil. The Internet is the No1 source of evil and I can bet you that down there, in the bowels of hell, the devil has the best broadband and BIS the underworld has to offer. How else can he deploy his minions into Facebook? The same minions who send odd, annoying messages to people declaring their undying love and proposals of marriage. Where do you think all the wahala people on Twitter originate from? it is from the bowels of the devil's BIS. The internet may be a resource filled with immeasurable knowledge but it is also the home of such evils as Hi5 and MySpace. If you are still on Hi5 and MySpace I can give you the number of a very renowned exorcist who will force that ungodly spirit out of you and make you join Twitter. I am not saying Hi5 and MySpace are for devilish people, I'm just saying that it is like the Old testament and Twitter is the New Testament. Do you realize I haven't even talked about Pornography? I am have basically reached the end of this paragraph and I haven't even touched pornography or yahoo-yahoo sef. Somewhere in the world right now there is a little boy who is trying to do his English Language homework. The teacher asked the class to find the meaning of certain words and the innocent soul just googled the word "Analyse". He expected google to take his innocent search request and bring back the definition for his homework. Instead, what google brought back will shock the little boy and the picture he is now staring at will leave an imprint in the back of his mind like the imprint the kondo will leave while "Analysing".

My argument may be one-sided but it is expected since I am trying to drive home the fact that Technology is evil! Television, Mobile phones and the Internet are the bringers of despair and corruption and the sooner you toss your TV out the window, dunk your mobile phone in the toilet and toss you laptop into a river, the closer the world will be to sancticty. It starts with just one person. Someone has read this post, infact you have read this post and said to yourself "But Scribbles is right, technology is actually evil". To you, the one who has realised the truth in my words, I say GO FORTH AND RID THE WORLD OF TECHNOLOGY! Don't be afraid to stop someone on the street, grab their mobile phone and toss it into the nearest lake. Don't tremble when you send the £900 HD TV ur popsy just bought flying out the window. Do not fear for I am with you in sprit and I am only going to be with you in spirit cos if you actually do any of the things I just said you will be physically get the shit kicked out of you.

Sunday, 13 June 2010

The Pastor, Scribbles & The Prophecy: Conclusion

14:27 Posted by Sir Scribbles 29 comments
So, Pastor "Seer" said he'd had a vision and in the future I'd be gay. My reply was "o_O". In my head I was saying "Shey dis man dey mad? Me? Robert, Gay? How? From where?" He kept on repeating how accurate his visions have always been and he knew I'd be shocked but if I was willing to work closely with him he could help me prevent the vision from coming to pass. Sounds like the plot of a time travel movie right? I told him that there's no way I'd be gay in the future and since he's a seer he should be able to see my past and see that all my "relations" have always been with the opposite sex and in no way homosexual. I left his office confused and frightened to be honest. You might be asking yourself "how can you be frightened if u are a solid straight guy? If u don't have the tendencies you won't be scared". Remember, this Pastor has had quite a few fulfilled visions and he ran a church with members who'd testified of the authenticity of his gift. I was scared I swear, what he told me started messing with my head, I started asking myself "how is this even possible? Maybe it's true. No it can't be! U like women remember?" After a few days I started piecing together a few things that made me doubt the validity of his visions:

  • Firstly, we'd never seen his wife. He was a pastor who always talked about his wife but we'd never seen her. Most members had only heard about her and even Richard agreed that the wife of a man of God should at least be known by the congregation. Apparently, she lived in Nigeria and came into London once in a while to be with her husband. It was all a bit too dodgy.
  • Secondly, he told me not to tell anybody about the vision. Correct me if I'm wromg but aren't u supposed to share something of this magnitude with family at least? He told me not to tell anyone and it should be between the two of us.
I think these 2 things were what kept me from losing my mind. On one hand I had the vision with it's "geniune" source and on the other hand I had all these questions that just made me doubt everything about the man. I didn't tell anyone about the vision except my sister and she blantantly refuted it. She said she'd had her doubts about the man's gifts but didn't want to say anything about it. We kept on going to the church and after every service I'd dodge the Pastor and head home. Sometimes he'd call and ask me to come into his office for counseling and I'd find some excuse to cancel. I didn't care if he could "see" through my excuses with his gift because as far as I was concerned, something was just not right.

One saturday afternoon I went to see one of my uncle's, I spent the whole day at his place and when I decided to leave I told him I had to go because I wanted to go to bed early for church the next day. He asked what the name of my church was, I told him. He asked where is was, I told him. He told me the Pastor's name and asked if he was correct, I said he was. He asked me to go to church the next day and ask what the Pastor's wife's name was and when I find out I should come back and tell him. The next day I found out her name but forget to relay the information to my uncle. The following week my mum came to visit us from nigeria and during the weekend I followed her to visit my uncle. After they'd discussed a few family matters he asked me if I'd found out the Pastor's wife's name and when I told him he shook his head and started laughing.

According to my uncle, when he first came into london he had lived with the Pastor and his wife for a couple of years and been there when the man had started the church. A few months after the church started my uncle said the pastor's wife confronted the Pastor one evening with tears in her eyes and a box filled with gay porn in her hands. When my uncle said "gay porn" my jaw dropped and my mumsy, being the igbo woman that she is, screamed "TUFIAKWA!" and grabbed her chest. My uncle said that after his wife found the box of gay porn her and the pastor had a huge argument and he ended up sending her back to Nigeria. That explained why we never saw her in church and many people hadn't met her. My uncle said he'd live with them for a few more months after the incident before moving out and during the last few months he spent there he'd seen young boys come and go from the house but never asked any questions because he didn't want to cause any trouble. He said that what the pastor does is use some sort of Metaphysics to seemingly read people and tell them things about themselves that are sometimes true and most times false. Then he gets young boys, gives them money and busy them things in exchange for only God knows what. When he said "only God knows what" my brain interpreted it to "Romping shop inna d boys booty".

I never went to that church again, I actually told Richard about what my uncle had said but Richard chose to keep attending the church because, in his words, "It's not about the Pastor but what's in your heart". That one is his business though, I ran from that church like a Usain Bolt chasing a gold medal. No wonder the man had said I was going to be gay in the future, he was trying to prepare me for some romping lol. Anyways, I haven't seen or heard anything about the Seer Pastor since then. Richard still goes to the church and sometimes he tries to get me to come back. A suggestion that always gets the reply "Be like sey u dey mad!!!"

The Pastor, Scribbles & The Prophecy

10:48 Posted by Sir Scribbles 22 comments
This is a post I've wanted to do for a very very long time but didn't think it was appropriate until now. It's about A Pastor and his "prophecy" about Sir Scribbles. Interested yet? I'm sure you already are:

This began sometime in march 2009. I and my Sister had been convinced by a family friend to join this church he'd been going to for about a year. We'd been searching for a suitable church for about 6months and this family friend, Richard, suggested we come to his, check it out and if we didn't like it we could just not come back the following sunday. We went to the church on one particular sunday and realised the only detail Richard left out when telling us about his church was The Pastor was a "Seer".

Basically, the man can tap into the spiritual realm and see things in your past, present & future. Imagine how shocked I was when, at the service, he asked newcomers to come to the front and after I came forward he touch my forehead and said "You are about to start a new phase in your life and you aren't sure if it's the right path for you". At the time I was just getting into my Masters programme and had a few doubts about what I was doing and where it'd lead me. After he said those words to me I immediately assumed he was a genuine pastor with a genuine gift from God. Me and my sister became regulars in the church, I joined the Car Park unit and helped out in the parking lot and my sister joined the Sanctuary unit which helped clean the church before and after service. We even brought my mum to the church and as skeptical as she is about unknown pastors and churches, she agreed that the Man, his gifts and his ministry were genuine. The Pastor started taking a liking to me and Richard. He'd tell us to come to his office on weekdays for counselling and prayers, he'd ask us if we needed anything and if we were alright financially and otherwise. If even talked to Richard about girls, sex and abstinence. I on the other hand liked to keep private stuff private and anytime he brought up the subject of women I'd just crack a joke and change the subject. I think my elusiveness of subject of a more "personal" nature made his interest in me and my life grow and soon enough Richard was no longer the focus of his "spiritual eye" because he'd set them on me.

Now I have to add that I was a tad bit tense anytime I was around this Pastor. He was a man with d gift of insight and as far as I knew, he was probably reading my thoughts and viewing my whole life as a movie playing in his head. I never lied to him because I thought he'd just see right through me and instead of lying I just dodged questions. When he asked me if I was a virgin I'd crack a joke. When he asked if I had a girlfriend I'd crack a joke. Everytime he tried squeezing info out of me I'd wiggle my way out and I think he got frustrated and decided it was time to take drastic measures to get to me. He appraoched me after service one sunday and told me he'd like to speak with me in private during the week. I told him I had school during the week and I'd only be free on Tuesday so we made an appointement for Tuesday evening and between Sunday and tuesday afternoon I kept asking myself "What in the world does this man want? Has he seen my death in the future? Abi he's seen me past indiscreations". Tuesday evening finally came and I went to see him and boy did this man shock me.

After a bit of small talk and irrelavant chatter he decided to get to the point. He looked me straight in the eye and said "Robert, I don't know how to tell you this but I have seen a vision and in the future you will be gay"

....To Be Continued

Friday, 21 May 2010

It's Summer people!!!!!

01:50 Posted by Sir Scribbles 11 comments
Mehn! I haven't been here in ages!! It's not my fault though, blame it on a lack of internet connection. Remember I told you guys I was moving into a new place? well I ordered broadband for the new place and the company delivered it a month after I moved in. No vex, I didn't mean to abandon you. Forgiven? I hope so. Ok I am around now so you can now proceed to tear ya cloth and chop battery lol. A lot has happened since the last time I blogged and I don't even know if I should give you guys the whole gist now or just suspend this post, write a novel and make a movie about it all tomorrow. Trust me now, in 24hrs I will write a book and make a movie cos when I put my mind to something I accomplish it lol. Ok enough jibber jabber, I came here for a reason *scratches head*...I seem to have forgotten what that reason is actually...okay read this while I try to jog my memory.

IT'S SUMMER!!! Summer is here pple and you know what that means don't you? it's the only time pple can leave their houses half-naked without me chasing after them with a straightjacket. It's the only time ladies can wear tops that start at their shoulders and end at their nipples and the only people that'll raise an eyebrow are guys who wish they could just tear the whole thing off...or girls (it's 2010 & nothing is impossible). Then again, if you have boobs that look like a linen shirt after a rugby match and your shoulders look like they need shoulders of their own to support them then the raised eyebrows will be saying "Put sum clothes on Grandma! You are 92 not 29!" You know what's even more disturbing about summer? You get to see large bellied, flabby throated, hairy bare chested men walking around unconsciously begging you to scream "Put some frigging clothes on before you scorch my eyeballs!". Do you think I'm mean? I hope not because they are the mean one's! The people who make peacefully sitting on the bus impossible, the people who sit across from you on the train and because you don't want to stare and seem rude you have to either pretend to be checking imaginary missed calls on your phone or stare at sumthing, which has no attributes whatsoever that require a stare, through a window. This is a complaint ladies and gentlemen! This is me using this post as a medium to reach out to all of mankind with one simple request: If you see anyone who even remotely matches the people I've just described I want you to walk into the closest store, buy some clothes and hand it to them saying "Take this, it's my contribution to maintaining the sanity of humanity". Make sure you say it with as much dramatic effect as possible, say it like you are Optimus Prime or even better...say it like you are me.

I now remember why I came here in the first place, asides from cleaning the blog and paying my blog-rent, I came to wish you all a Happy Summer! This is the season when parents, who God has given the means, send their kids abroad on holiday. This is the season when schools give students the longest break and also the season responsible for some students flunking the following semester cos, in summary, they cudn't get themselves out of the enjoyment mode they were in during summer! Summer is a beautiful time to meet new people, make new friends & visit new places but with the kind of heat wey dey flog us here in Jand I'd rather sit half-naked in my living room and chew ice cubes. Have yourselves a lovely summer people and if you are in Jand and you see one tall Ibo boy chasing a half-naked granny with a straightjacket at least stop and say Hi...I don't bite.

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Friends, Sex & tings

07:26 Posted by Sir Scribbles , , 35 comments
It's the age old question peeps, Can a guy and a girl be friends without any sexual tension between them? Can a girl have a guy as a "BFF", as some would like to call it, without any underlying sexual intent? I think it's possible but rare. I think it's actually possible for a guy and girl to be really close friends without thinking about shagging each other. So why do I say it's rare then? Simple, cos Sex is everywhere? It's on TV, it's in games, newspapers and billboards. Sex is everywhere these days and you'd have to be either blind or one hell of a prude not to even have a glancing thought about it. I think it's harder for boys and girls to have that ultimate agape friendship these days because the only way you can escape all the subtle sexually suggestive devices in this world is to lock yourself in a cage buried 10ft in the ground. In my opinion, there are some factors that a totally sexless friendship are based one. It's either:

You've been friends since you were kids and you see each other like family. The mere thought of shagging each other feels like incest and makes you want to barf your entrails and hang yourself with a noose made from your own intestines


You look smoking hot and the other friend in question looks like calligraphy done by a drunk chicken. You love this friend to pieces but you can't imagine having anything sexual to do with them cos you've imagined what their face would look like if it was at the height of sexual pleasure and your imagination started to cry cos of what you saw.


You've known this friend for ages and you've seen him or her slip in and out of relationships like a loose condom on a wingwong. You have given this friend so much advice, comfort and criticism concerning boys/girls that you can't even imagine sleeping with them either because it would just make the whole friendship weird/hypocritical or because you think they've got some deadly STD.

These are just some of reasons I think a boy and girl can remain close friends, BFFs if you will, without any sexual tension between them. If you look at it from another angle, the reasons I gave can also pass for reasons why any one of the parties is always thinking about boning their close friend. You've been friends since childhood? I know a girl who almost got raped by her best friend. One of you is ugly as hell? All the more reason for the ugly one to consider rape. Been with too many people and you're not sure if it's a good idea? Yeah rite, cos rational thinking beats sex everything right? The truth is friendship is a risky business and underlying sexual tension is just one of the risks that come with the job. If you have a close friendship with someone that is completely devoid of sexual tension then brilliant. However, sexual tension between friends is not a bad thing and it only shows you both are human. How you handle that tension is what really matters.

Ps: I'm down with the flu and as usual it's reduced me to a misreable snivelling bag of phlegm.

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

Your hair has a name?!

04:26 Posted by Sir Scribbles 25 comments
Wonders will never cease! I've heard a lot of interesting and shocking things in this life but the info. I stumbled upon a few nights ago was numbing simply cos it's something that's been all around me and I never noticed. This is the convo that initiated everything and it's between two members of my Twitfam on Twitter:

@tammywarmate to @MsItoro "omg i love ur hair! what is the name of ur weave??"

I was dumbstruck and thought it was a typo to be honest so I decided to clarify:

@Sir_Scribbles to @tammywarmate & @MsItoro "...they have names?"

The replies I got afterwards shocked me. Apparently women have names for their weaves?!! How is that even possible? I was numb I swear! I thought it was some sort of joke and was expecting someone to go "Psych! It's all Jokes Scribbles!". I decided to dig deeper into this weave naming conspiracy and I was hit with another bombshell. The weaves have codes...FRIGGIN CODES!!!!! I was told the codes were used to tell different colours apart and using my valuable sources and impressive analytical skills I gathered some of the names . Here they are with traditional Scribble-terpretations:

Wet & Wavy: I've seen women go mental when water touches their weave and I'm assuming the Wet & Wavy weave is water resistant or something. On the other hand, this just sounds like a sex position involving a water bed.

Beverly Johnson: Who is Beverly Johnson and why is a weave named after her? Have you heard of her before? Cos I haven't. Is it her hair that's being chopped off and glued/stitched together to make the weave? Someone please enlighten me! Tell me why this seemingly non-existent person has a weave named after her and Optimus Prime hasn't got a weave named after him?! If Beverly's got a weave then Optimus should as well.

American express: There's even a weave named after a credit card? Now I understand why the weaves have PIN codes. I can imagine a chick at a store paying for a pair of shoes by feeding her Black & Ox Blood mix weave into the card machine and entering 0350 as her PIN.

Ultra plus: This one sounds like a power-up move in Street fighter. Some female character in the game charges up, screams "Ultra plus!!!" and unleashes a special move where her weave starts hitting you with dandruff the size of golfballs. Instant KO!

Unique weave: I'm guessing the manufacturers realised the numerous "exciting" names that already existed and thought they'd keep it short and simple. Either that or they were just too friggin lazy to think for an outlandish name for their weave

Russian Virgin Remy hair: I understand why Remy decided to share his/her hair with the rest of the world, it's because he/she is a communist. He/she probably believes in the communist ideology and now practices it by allowing his/her hair to be distributed globally. Remy, communism is so 1917, quit with the follicle distribution and go get laid!

Darling Yaky: From what I heard this is a very razz weave and the "posh" ones among the female folk don't think it's any good. Why the hell is it called darling then? If you don't think it's a good or pretty weave then darling isn't the most appropriate term for addressing the weave now is it?. I suggest "Dreadful Yaky" "Gruesome Yaky" "Horrible Yaky" & "Ojuju Yaky".

There's no way I could have put up all the names I discovered and even as I was typing this more aspects of this hair naming conspiracy were being revealed to me. In addition to the hair names and colour codes there are also length codes?! My people I am weak! I say I don weak. I don't know whether to feel ignorant for not knowing or thankful that I don't have to memorise names, colour codes and length codes. Ladies, respect! Una dey try I swear!

Monday, 15 March 2010

Old loves & Hate...

02:21 Posted by Sir Scribbles 15 comments
Seeing as I'm going back to my old loves I've decided to blog as often as an idea hits me. I was doing a little introspection a while back and realised I was tired of the Spoof Ads and the Celebrity blog brawls campaign. I can't explain it really but I feel it's time to rummage deeper into myself and blog about things that mean more to my readers than just a few laughs. The things is, no matter what I talk about there'll always be an element of humour in it because that is how I'm built. I'm not saying the old Sir Scribbles is obsolete and I'm not saying there's a new one either. See it as a remodelling process where I, Sir Scribbles, add and remove things that I consider necessities and excess respectively.

First order of business, I've changed my blog theme...again. Within the last 24hrs I've changed it about 10 times trying to find a new theme that fits the blog and me. I know some of you preferred the theme that had that kid with the headphones at the top but I needed to change the theme because it felt like I'd been wearing the same clothes for ages. I thought I'd found the perfect theme last night but I didn't like some of the feedback I got so I've chosen this one and it's probably the last one I'll try out so if you no like am you're going to have to deal with it because I no get energy to theme-hunt anymore. I say that with love though.

Speaking of love, is it alright to hate someone? I asked this question on Twitter and got some interesting responses. Some people thought it was okay to hate someone if the person did something heinous to you or your family while some thought hate only felt appropriate at that very moment when whatever had been done had the most effect. Someone also said that at that very moment when you feel hatred for someone it is not that person you hate but the situation. At the moment I am still trying to decipher that response. Finally, someone said hate was too strong a word and should be replaced with "Strong dislike" or "Loathe". What do you think? Is it okay to hate someone or is hate too strong to use on anyone? Cats hate dogs, Jews hated Hilter and Decepticons hate Autobots, are all of them wrong?

Sunday, 14 March 2010

Back to old loves

04:46 Posted by Sir Scribbles 12 comments

Wagwan peeps?! I know it's been a while and I sincerely apologise for the inconsistent updates. I've had a lot of things to deal with lately and blogging seemed more like a burden to me. However, in light of recent events I've decided to go back to the things I love, the things that made me happy and the things that compensated for all the nastiness planet earth has to offer. I'm close to a rant at the moment so I'll change the topic before I bore you.

I'm moving house Ladies and Gentlemen! I'm so excited and I keep daydreaming about how life in the new crib is going to be. Found a nice flat with my Sister in Essex and I couldn't believe how lucky we were to get such a nice flat in that area. Anyway, I just thought I'd let the blogfam know in case you want to pay a visit to Ol' Scribz. Please note that my cooking skills are abysmal so bring your own food and drinks sha! If you like pretend you didn't see the last sentence and come over empty handed, it's me and you that'll count the tiles on the kitchen floor until hunger kills you.

I'm officially a believer in Karma. Well not Karma in the religious sense but in theory. I use to think that if you did enough good it'd outweigh a bad thing that haunted you but that's not the way life works I guess. I've realised the authenticity in "You reap what you sow" and I've defintely reaped exactly what I sowed. The thing is, if you get a consequence for every action then mistakes become something you fear to make. I thought life was about making mistakes and learning from then? Isn't it? So why then those a mistake have to have a consequence that somehow feels unfair and irrational? It's probably because a mistake without consequence eliminates the ability to learn and grow. If we didn't get punished for bad decisions and unjust actions then we'd have no reason to fear repercussions. It's funny how I'm asking myself, and you, questions I already know the answers to right? You reap what you sow Ladies and Gentlemen and life is not the least bit lenient with that rule.

I really hope I can keep up with the updates now that I'm more organised and clear headed. Sometimes it's hard to believe that the people who smile and laugh all the time have issues of their own to deal with and sometimes constant outward joy sends a false message of perfection. I'm going back to my old loves people and I hope they take me back.

Thursday, 25 February 2010

On an Aristo and Yahoo-Yahoo ting!

04:54 Posted by Sir Scribbles 15 comments
Before I begin I'd like to state for the record that this post is based on a lot of feasible assumptions. I will not give you examples or cite people or places directly but I'm sure you'll find my assumptions quite realistic and maybe even true if you are or know someone who's in a similar situation.

On an Aristo, Aristos are basically people (usually girls) who 'get with' much older and financial buoyant people (usually men) and are repayed with material things. I think I got the defiinition about right. People have different and rather interesting views on Aristos, their circumstances and motives. I'm sure most Aristos will tell you that a hardship and unfavouring circumstances led them to lead such a life. The usual excuse, I assume, would be "I didn't have a choice". You know what's interesting about these excuses? Their the same one's Prostitutes and Stripper's use. For example: "I have a sick mother who needs to be taken care of", "I am trying to pay my way through school", "I was abused as a child and this is the only way I can deal with it". All these excuses support the grand motive that is "I didn't have a choice". However, we always have a choice in life. Choice is one of the perks that comes with free will and in my opinion the people who say they never had a choice are denying the idea of free will and, ultimately, the concept of being a human being. I understand maintaining values and morals can be hard when faced with hardship. Sometimes the hardest the decisions are the right ones and the consequence of doing the right thing seems to much to imagine or even accept. On the other hand, when you find yourself in those controversial grey areas that appear when everything that's black and white merge some questions must be asked, "Is it worth it?" "Is your soul worth more or less than material things". Aristos usually say they don't have a choice but it looks like they chose not to have a choice.

On a Yahoo-Yahoo ting, Yahoo-Yahoo boys/girls are people who swindle others for profit usually taking advantage or greed, naivety and ignorance. I'm also assuming this definition is spot on. Now Yahoo-Yahoo peeps, like the Aristos, feel they have a valid argument as well. Like I said before most of the things I'll say are based on assumptions and I'm assuming Yahoo-Yahoo peeps blame their choice in profession on hardship and unfavourable circumstances. "I don't have a choice" is what you'll hear from this camp as well and for some reason their argument makes sense. However, just because it makes sense doesn't make it right.

At this point I'm going to assume you have gotten the gist of this post? It's all about choice. In my opinion choice, sacrifice and reward are directly proportional. The tougher the choice, the greater the sacrifice which will lead to a greater reward. Maybe I can't really understand the circumstance surrounding people who say their only choice was to embrace the illicit and illegal but one thing I do understand is choice and free will. We all have it and every situation in life provides an avenue for you to exercise your free will and make a choice. Aristos and Yahoo-Yahoo peeps are not exempted. They claim they didn't have a choice but in reality choice is what led them to thelife they have now.

Sunday, 21 February 2010

Sir Scribbles' Super Uber Mega Celebrity Blog Brawl #2

04:27 Posted by Sir Scribbles 9 comments
The Celebrities are Brutal, the Commentary is unforgiven and the Rules are non-existent. Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to another episode of violent nonsensical outlandish fun! Our gladiators tonight are well known, famous and talented in their own way so without further ado let's bring them out!
ROLL CALL PEOPLE!!!!! He's Loud, he's rude and packs some heavy bass tunes! Ladies and Gentlemen...LIL JON!!!! "YEAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! LET'S GET CRUNK!!!"
And his opponent. An artist who claims he has more enemies after him than an Israelite crossing the red sea. He's the Ekperi Papa One of Bayelsa. TIMAYA!!!!!!!!! "Na Baba God send me! You cannt stop me!"

"Omo Nigga you cannot kill Timaya! Na Baba God send me do this work! If you block my way fire go burn you" Typical Timaya stuff, He opens with a classic threat. And they're off to a blistering start! Lil attacks first throwing a flurry of jabs at Timaya. The bayelsa man is caught totally by surprise but is quick enough to parry and duck. Lil jon isn't done yet, seems like he wants to end this quick. He steps back and palms Timya in d chest, Timaya doesn't budge. Lil jon palms him again. He doesn't budge. Timaya parries Lil Jon's third attempt, grabs his left arm while reaching into his pocket, pulls out a metal plantain and swings it into Lil Jon's throat. The attack stuns Lil jon and as he tries to wriggle free of Timaya's grasp the plantain boy proceeds to batter him. Lil Jon is taking a real beating now and it looks like Timaya is in total control of the battle. Lin jon drops to his knees as Timaya keeps landing hit after hit then suddenly Lil Jon produces a Pimp cup from nowhere and whacks Timata in the nuts. "YEAH!!!!" He screams as Timaya releases his arm and recoils clutching is 'nutella' area in pain."WHAT YOU GOING TO DO PLAYER?" Timaya drops to d ground still clutching his crotch and tapping is foot on the floor. "YEAH PLAYER DIS IS HOW WE DO IT IN THE A'". Timaya seems to have recovered now and tries to get to his feet but what's this? Timaya reaches into his pants and pulls out a cutlass! Is there no end to d wonders of his pants? He swings the cutlass at Lil jon who jumps back to avoid the swipe. Timaya swings it again and this time Lil jon blocks the attack with his pimp cup. The clanging of cutlass and pimp cup is deafening and Timaya seems to be getting d upper hand. Lil jon blocks another attack, scurries back, takes a deep breath and let's out a devastating scream. The force of d scream pushes Timaya back, Lil jon inhales again and let's out an even more devastating scream which fractures the ground and pushes timaya back even further. "THIS IS IT PLAYA!!" He screams, "LET'S GET IT CRUUUUNK!!!" immediately his pimp cup is filled with crunk juice, he gulps it down, snaps his fingers and spits a massive ball of fire on Timaya. Timaya is engulfed immediately, surely this is the end! Timaya's clothes are reduced to ashes as the violent flames scorch the Bayelsa man. "I am timaya..." He says "I dey hot like a fire..." the d blazing flames disappear. "Na me be the Ekeri papa 1 of Bayelsa" he says as he gets to his feet "WHAT?!!!" Screams Lil jon "I dey blow like a bazooka!!!" The pimp cup explodes in Lil jon's hand. The blast severs Lil Jon's arm and he screams in pain. "Dem mama no fit stop me, dem papa no fit stop me, whether u like am or you no like am TIMAYA don blow!!!" The ground around Lil Jon explodes and he's knocked several feet into d air. "U no fit stop me. I be Timaya! I dey strike like a thunder!!!" A bolt of lightning strikes Lil Jon in d air and seconds later a lifeless body falls to the ground. The blackened corpse is enough evidence Ladies and Gentlemen,TIMAYA IS OUR WINNER!!!

What a cracking fight Ladies and Gentlemen! Join us next week as another pair of Celebrities battle it out in Sir Scribbles Super Uber Mega Celebrity Blog Brawl!!!!

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

It hasn't been that long has it?

14:23 Posted by Sir Scribbles 15 comments
SHET! E don tey oh! I haven't been here in a while. Just looked at my calendar and realised I hadn't been here in a long while. Shameful? yes! Disappointing? I know! Got an excuse? Yes I do and it's called school. Yes I am a student, again, and for those of you who's jaws just dropped to the floor you can like to pick them up cos your eyes rnt deceiving you. I'm back in geek mode and loving it mehn! Na so so book man pikin dey read sha! . Tbh the postgraduate diploma I just completed was a waste of my energy but I guess God has a reason for not divinly smacking bad ideas out of our heads when they first hit us lol. I stumbled upon a very interesting project for my Masters and hopefully it'll lead to a lot of open doors for me. Enough with all this serious talk. Make I gist you.

Being a Nigerian these days his hard oh! We should get paid minimum wage at least for all the stress we have to put up with recently. Look left at Aso rock and spirits have kidnapped our President. Look right at international airports and we are suspected terrorists. Look Up in Jos and your head will be chopped off and when you look down your head has to stay there because everything else is shamelful. Forget all these "Flygerian" and "Proud to be Nigerian" propaganda for a bit. WAHALA DEY! Whether u accept it or not wahala dey! Even pple who aren't nigerians know there's wahala so why pple dey act like sey everything dey alright? Some pple say that I shouldn't complain if I don't have solutions. So if I dnt have a solution I shud shut my mouth shey? If you are walking on the street and you see dog poo wnt u say "phmnnn! See shit" before you think about packing it. (btw if you think about packing random dog poo on the street then ur own wahala is a different brand). All I'm saying is WAHALA DEY! I'm proud to be Nigerian and that's why I'm shouting WAHALA DEY! Moving on...

If you aren't into football please skip this paragraph. Thanks. If you are reading this then you must have an interest in the beautiful sport. If you are not a Manchester United Fan this is you bus stop as well. Are all the haters gone now? good! MAN UTD Kwenu! Anyone catch the AC Milan v Man Utd game? Ronaldinho was behaving like a pant shey? Thot he cud harass our boys but we showed dem!!!! Rooney is really impressing me and our victories over Man City, Arsenal and now Milan have brought a wide and bright smile to my already awesome face lol. (No jealous me pls and if u dey jealous me u can like to hump a blender). I know some haters still read the paragraph up until this point and might even go as far as dropping a derogatory comment but for every hater comment against Man Utd Rooney will bang in a goal so please feel free to express yourself lol.

Is it wrong to call people ugly? I've been debating this with a friend, hobblescotch, and we still can't come to an agreement. I think it's wrong to call people ugly but then again shudn't ugliness be treated the same as beauty. If you see a beautiful person you'll say "Hey, that's a beautiful person" so why shud it be wrong to also say "Wow, that's one ugly somborri"? Maybe it's because we aren't really supposed to say things about people that will hurt their feelings but in theory a beautiful person should get compliments and an "ugly" person shud get...consolation. I know it's a touchy issue and tbh I dnt think "Ugly" people shud be called out until they look for your trouble in an area related to appearance. See it this way, if I have a blackberry and you have a 3310 and you say d internet on my phone is slow I have the right to crack your skull with the crackberry. PEACE OUT!

Saturday, 23 January 2010

Have you met?

03:54 Posted by Sir Scribbles 19 comments
Did you like the last post? Well I know it didn't appeal to everyone but it was in my head and as usual whatever's in there gets thrown in here. Anyway hope y'all liked it?. Moving on, what do I talk about today? Women? School? Work? Ah Yes! I think I'll gist you about my intolerance for lactose. You want to hear about that? Ofcourse you do! No wait...chill...I think I'll gist you that some other time. I have suddenly decided that today you will meet Cynthia. Story, Story...

I was young, innocent and naive and had let myself fall into the typical boy-crush. Mehn I had a major crush on this girl sha no be small! It started the first day I saw her, I was a few months away from taking the entrance exam for Uni and had signed up for some extra-curricular lessons to get me warmed up for exam. The first day I walked into that class I spotted her, tall, slender and a killer smile to boot. The babe was fine! Fine like her face was made of glass and a smile was the reflection of sunlight. I weak! My people I say body weak me! You see I went to an all boys boarding school so you can imagine how the hormones wey messing wiv me after graduation. Anything in a skirt was a potential 'mate' and it's like I said earlier I was young and naive. Did I say Innocent as well? Scratch that one!

It took me about 2 weeks to talk to this babe seeing as every other Maga in the class was drooling over her. That day she sat beside me during a maths class and asked me to explain surds to her. NO DULLIN! Sharply I capitalized on the opportunity even though I couldn't get her to understand surds I sha collected her number...her number people her number!! Maybe I forgot to mention how much of a geek I was back then but that was the first time I'd ever gotten a girl's number and that's cos that was the first tie I'd ever asked for it. Why are you shocked? My fren close ur mouth and let me continue my story pls. Collecting her number was a personal milestone for me but that my friends was the beginning of my wahala. You see Cynthia was a "special" kind of girl. She was tall, pretty and in summary built like a model but she was also very very very clingy...add 5 more 'verys' to that sef. From that day onwards she'd sit with me in class, have lunch with me, sit with me in class again and then walk me home afterwards. To be honest I liked the attention but I wished I was the one doing the chasing. Men like to be chased but we don't like to be hunted and Cynthia was a one-woman manhunt.

The week for the entrance exam had finally arrived and we'd travelled by air a few days earlier just to settle in a bit before the exam day. As expected Cynthia sat beside me on the plane and just before take-off she grabbed my hand and said "I'm afraid of flying Robert. You don't mind holding my hand while we're airborne do you?" I said yes without thinking twice mehn hehehehe! If na you wetin u go talk? We all lodged in a motel and as you'd expect people were going wild. It was an alchohol and sex galore and even though I didn't drink or Kkpansh watching people get smashed as hell at night and hearing the resulting scandalous stories the next day was enough entertainment for me. Cynthia and I were quickly becoming an unoffcial item and one day we'd decided to have lunch together, she asked me to come meet her in her room at 3pm so we'd head out from there and at 3pm I was knocking on her day. Knocked once, knocked twice, door opened and there she was...naked!

Thursday, 21 January 2010

Sir Scribbles' Super Uber Mega Celebrity Blog Brawl

07:16 Posted by Sir Scribbles 15 comments
Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to...
Sir Scribbles'
The Celebrities are Brutal, the Commentary is unforgiven and the Rules are non-existent. This is our first episode so we're going to give you a quik run-through of what you're to expect. We're all about fun and violence and what's more fun than seeing wonderful celebrities tear each other apart in the most hilarious and unreal ways! Ok let's get right into the head-bashing bone-breaking feast on the menu.

From the Okpokwu local government area we bring you a celebrity who's got more babies than Ladies and Gentlemen 2FACE!!!!! "One love my people! 2Baba don enter the place"
And his opponent, from Young money records, a rising star who looks as hot as her lyrics and packs a booty that any Pirate would want to get his hands on. Put your hands together for NICKI MINAJ!!!!! "Yo yo yo! It's the Harajuku Barbie bitches!!! number sign!!

2face is just sizing Nicki up now. Seems like his trying to pick the best strategy to approach the Buxom Vixen. To be honest her figure is quite intimidating, those thighs would make any man think twice. Nicki wants 2face to make the first move, she looks calm and collected and I'm sure 2face knows he can't attack without careful consideration. 2face feints a right jab, Nicki flinces, he feints a left jab, Nicki ducks and 2face sees and opening, he connects a vicious round-house kick to Nicki's jaw and the African/Trinidadian/Indo-Asian recoils with a moan. 2face dashes towards her before she has time to recover and throws a careless right hook, Nicki parries it and unleashes a 3-punch combo on his face leaving 2face wiv a busted lip and a large bump on his right cheek. 2face steps back but Nicki isn't done with him yet. As the nigerian steadies himslef Nicki reaches into her cleavage and pulls out a large CD pouch. She screams "Harajuku technique Mixtape-shuriken" and immediately the pouch opens up and all the CDs inside hurl themselves at 2face. He tries to dodge the salvo of CDs but he isn't fast enough and gets caught in the knee. The singer drops to the floor clucthing his bleeding knee and Nicki goes in for the kill. "Oh you sleeping on me nigga? U think it's slumber time? Imma put you out of your misery. Harajuku technique Barbie-bitch-battalion!!!" Her jeans rip at the sides and her thighs begin to pulsate. Suddenly her thighs burst open and little harajuku barbie creatures pour out of it in their hundreds. The battalion of barbies lunge at 2face heaping themselves on him while constantly chanting the words "Itty bitty piggy. Itty bitty piggy. Itty bitty piggy" As 2face is slowly swallowed in the heap of barbies he screams "NOTHING DEY HAPPEN!!" and the barbie battalion's rhythmic chants cease. One by one they begin to writhe and moan and all of a sudden protrusions appear on their bellies. In a matter of seconds he managed to impregnate the whole Barbie-Bitch-battalion and as each barbie's belly enlarges Nicki screams in pain. Nicki is bleeding through her nose now and 2face slowly gets to his feet, pulls a replica of his MTV award from his pants and hobbles over to Nicki wiv one hand still clutching his bleeding knee. As he poises to deliver the final blow she pulls out a condom from her butt crack and hurls it at his face. As soon as the condom touches his face it catches fire and 2face lets out a deafening scream while trying to get it off, the fire envelopes his face and he drops to the flow squirming. As his head is slowly reduced to a small heap of ash his body stills and a few moments later the only sign that the body on the floor was ever living is a lump in its crotch area which seems to not be shrinking even though the body is lifeless. KO Ladies and Gentlemen! NICKI MINAJ IS OUR WINNER TONIGHT!!!

What a cracking opening battle folks. Nicki Minaj obviously did her homework before the battle tonight and capitalised on her opponent's only weakness. Join us again next time as another pair of celebrities go head-to-head in Sir Scribbles' "Super Uber Mega Celebrity Blog Brawl"

Monday, 18 January 2010

That's what I think sha...

07:11 Posted by Sir Scribbles 24 comments
CHEI! It's been a while sha! If you cross reference the dates between this post and my last post and then compare the values with the factorised sum of the intervals between my posts 3 months ago and then relate your results to the exact moment I started blogging then you realised that the coefficient of 10SINZU is how many days it's been since my last post. YES! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I JUST TYPED! lol. Le tÄ— shkojnÄ— atje!! (Albanian for "Let's go there")

There should be a public holiday dedicated to the men who risk their lives everyday in the ruthless jungle called dating with nothing to defend themselves except cheesy pickup lines and cliches. Don't you just think it's rather brave of a young man too walk up to you, a babe of evident class, and say something like 'Nice legs baby, what time do they open?'. What I always wonder about is the state of mind of a guy who thinks "Your dad must be a baker cos I love ur buns" is an appropriate way of potraying yourself as an eligible suitor. I think I've told you, my lovely wonderful beautiful readers (make ur head no swell sha), that I detest pickup lines especially since a creative one today is tomorrow's cliche. Let's just say I prefer a less 'mechanical' approach to starting a conversation with a young woman. I'm not saying pickup lines are bad oh! I'm not saying they shud be abolished and anyone caught using a pickup line shud be executed by firing squad, dats not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is there shud be an organised body established with the sole aim of regulating the creation, use and expiration of pickup lines. Anyone who invents one without getting it verified, uses one without the right authorization or after it's expiration date shud then be sent to the gallows. That's all I'm saying. That's not so bad is it? it's a gud idea no? at least Magas will stop approaching and talking rubbish to you ladies and we men will raise our game a bit...not that I need to anyways *wink wink*

I keep saying that I don't think there will ever be any publication that accurately defines, precisely elaborates and utterly summarises the relationship between Men and Women. Now remember we are excluding holy books here cos I don't want any divine wahala on my hands. I have realised that no matter how big the book is, how extensive the research was or how much time was invested in study you will always find one person who will prove any existing theory, suggestions or laws concerning relationship wrong. Opposites don't always attract, Long distance relationships do work and age really is just a number when you see it from people's perspectives. All I'm saying is don't be stereotypical when analysing your life or the life or others. Thinking outside the box usually shows you how small the box really is. I dey form relationship analyst shey? dnt mind me oh! Wat do I know? I'm just saying what I feel as usual and if you agree or object then there's a very big box provided for you below to make it known. PEACE!

Friday, 8 January 2010

We begin scribbling for 2010...

20:05 Posted by Sir Scribbles 17 comments
WAAAIT! Before you even conclude that I have left just hold it! Yes, I considered leaving, I thogth about quitting blogging and callind an end to the blogging edifice that is The Royal Scribbles...for about 5 mins lol! Did you really think I'd leave you liek dat? If was to leave blogsville where I go kon go? Where else will my insanity be considered creativity and my sillyness be seen as addictive humour? I haven't blogged this year simply cos I hadn't found d right trigger for 2010. I'm definitely not losing my mojo! I just wanted to start 2010 in a new yet traditional way and needed to find my sweet spot for this year. What do u look for when you come here, thought provoking satires, mind boggling wit, bewildering creativity and the occasional rant about some girl who is vexing me shey? Ladies and Gentlemen we commence 2010 in d same fashion...make I gist you something.

I was jejely on my own oh! you know I dnt look for trouble naw? I was walking thru d shopping mall yesterday minding my own business when some random stranger (obviously all strangers r random wth am i saying?) just walks up to me and tells me I'm looking gud. If to say na woman I 4 no worry but it was a guy....see me see wahala o! I didn't even know whether to take it as a compliment or see it as a source of concern. I thanked the guy and walked away facing him cos I didn't want him staring at my posterior ('butt' to you laymen). Now why was I concerned? I'm assuming the guy was gay cos the way he stopped me to compliment me is d same way I, an astute heterosexual, would stop a girl nd compliment her too (practical still pending). Did his compliment mean I was looking gud in general and would also be found attractive by the female folk of like sexuality or did he mean I looked gud such dat only members of the gay community would find me 'interesting'? You see the dilemma dat morrasucker brought upon me in d middle of my stern window-shopping? I went out to stare at stuff I can't afford and came back query every outfit in my closet. I shud start wearing darker colours mehn...

Sexual innuendos are everywhere these days. It's like d world has just gone sex crazy and it's alright to advertise a burger as if it's a new item on the Karma sutra menu. You can't listen to 3 songs today without coming across one with cleverly yet somewhat overtly embedded innuendos. The thing about sexual inferences in songs is dat you can never win. If you don't identify them someone else will and point them out to you, in that moment when you are enlightened you also feel ignorance tapping you on d shoulder thanking you for letting him sleepover. However, if you do identify the innuendos single-handedly then you simply credit you mind with 5 more naughty points and hence feel more perverted than you were before you hit the play button. I'm now bordering on paranoia when it comes to analysing songs, I tear lyrics apart just to be sure I'm not singing along to something that indirectly instructs the nearest female to slobber my 'nether' regions. Very soon I'll resort to listening to silence but wiv d way d world is going I'm sure Def Jam will find a way to pollute silence as well.

Ah! dis feels gud! How could I ever think of leaving? Btw r u on Twitter? U rnt? why? is ur computer allergic? r u lucid? why rnt you on twitter? my fren pack ur load nd get to tweeting mehn! Dnt worry if u sign up nd u don't understand it immediately, it's natural and you can't be like me so give yourself time to get the hang of it. As for those of you on twitter hope you are following me? I dnt mean literally following me cos if u walk behind me for more than 10 secs ur gonna be receivng my size 12s in a less than receptive area. My twitfam (twitter family to u laymen) are awesome and that's cos they r all mad nd I say dat wiv love lol. much luv to d Twitfam...#youwerecooluntil you joined twitter and followed me, now u r cooler lol.