a week in my mind and you won't want to go home...

Friday, 25 June 2010

Technology is evil

17:34 Posted by Sir Scribbles 30 comments
(NB: This is a satirical post) Ladies and Gentlemen, I am posting today to bring an argument before you. I am here with one intention and it is to convince you that Technology is evil! It is the the spawn of malevolent minds and intentions. It is the bringer of sorrow and despair. It is the epitome of torment and torture. I won't be making such bold claims if I lacked the evidence to back them up so let me elaborate on why I think the world would have been better off without technology. I will focus on three minions of technology in my argument and they are: Television, Mobile Phones and The Internet. Let us begin


This is the oldest minion of technology among the three I just listed. It is the four-edged bringer of violence and immorality. Television has evolved from the black and white pictures which dazzled our fore-fathers to the HD ready televisions of today which are ever-ready to bring scenes of gore and kpanching to our very eyes in stunning high definition pictures. Some of you might be saying, "But Scribbles, wetin you dey yan sef? Television is a source of information and not all shows are violent and explicit" and your argument would be completely valid. However, television is not just a bearer of violence and immorality. It is also one of the major sources of depression anxiety, tension and heartache. For Example, where did we all see Sani Kaita show off his kung fu/match-selling skills? At the World Cup via the television. Where did we see Greece beat Nigeria 2-1 and consequently give Zeus and Hercules the right to call Amadioha and Sango their b#tches? On the television. Where did we first see Yakumumu Ayegbeni miss an open net from 3yrds? on the frigging television. I am sorry but despite bringing us Godly channels like TBN, informative channels like CNN and educational yet painfully boring channels like The History Channel, I think Television is a device concocted by diabolical minds to serve us an information-entertainment soft drink but then spike it with sorrow and torment with little ice cubes of kpannching and kpoxing. I am watching a television now and guess what's on? The England manager giving a press conference on England's exit from the World Cup and his future career as their manager. Isn't that just depressing? The man just got kicked out of the competition by a team who almost, if not actually, molested them on the field and you are making him give a press conference instead of getting him to a psychiatrist to make sure the whole ordeal didn't tamper with him mentally? That's just unfair and uncalled for but such is the habit of television. It never fails to milk embarrassment and humiliation out of it's victims and if you think that's a lie why don't you ask Tiger Woods or Umar Mutallab what it feels like to be breaking news.

Mobile Phones:

Take a look at the picture on the left. Take a good hard look at it. That my friends is the face of evil. There is a saying in the Scribble household: "Man wey carry mobile phone no know sey e dey give devil piggyback ride". Despite the questionable source of this saying, it cannot be ignored or denied that mobile phones are indeed the devils minions. Every feature of the average mobile phone has be designed diabolically to carry a facade of innovation but entrails of pure menace. Nowadays people can have sex via text which just undermines the whole point of kpanching which is 2 (or more) pple getting down and getting jiggy which each other while there's physical contact between them. The iPhone and BlackBerry are evil devices which don't need any more description than a prostitute with a tattoo on her forehead saying "I bang for bucks". Everything from BlackBerry messenger to the gazillion apps the iPhone offers points only in one direction, a total abandonment of self-reliance and a complete dependency on the mobile phone. Have you seen Lady Gaga and Beyonce's "Video phone" music video? You have? do I need to say anything more in this paragraph? I don't think so.

The Internet:

Oh my goodness! I had to clutch my bible in one hand and put rosary beads between my teeth before typing the name "Internet". Forget sey I dey use internet type this post, it is unfortunately a necessary evil. The Internet is the No1 source of evil and I can bet you that down there, in the bowels of hell, the devil has the best broadband and BIS the underworld has to offer. How else can he deploy his minions into Facebook? The same minions who send odd, annoying messages to people declaring their undying love and proposals of marriage. Where do you think all the wahala people on Twitter originate from? it is from the bowels of the devil's BIS. The internet may be a resource filled with immeasurable knowledge but it is also the home of such evils as Hi5 and MySpace. If you are still on Hi5 and MySpace I can give you the number of a very renowned exorcist who will force that ungodly spirit out of you and make you join Twitter. I am not saying Hi5 and MySpace are for devilish people, I'm just saying that it is like the Old testament and Twitter is the New Testament. Do you realize I haven't even talked about Pornography? I am have basically reached the end of this paragraph and I haven't even touched pornography or yahoo-yahoo sef. Somewhere in the world right now there is a little boy who is trying to do his English Language homework. The teacher asked the class to find the meaning of certain words and the innocent soul just googled the word "Analyse". He expected google to take his innocent search request and bring back the definition for his homework. Instead, what google brought back will shock the little boy and the picture he is now staring at will leave an imprint in the back of his mind like the imprint the kondo will leave while "Analysing".

My argument may be one-sided but it is expected since I am trying to drive home the fact that Technology is evil! Television, Mobile phones and the Internet are the bringers of despair and corruption and the sooner you toss your TV out the window, dunk your mobile phone in the toilet and toss you laptop into a river, the closer the world will be to sancticty. It starts with just one person. Someone has read this post, infact you have read this post and said to yourself "But Scribbles is right, technology is actually evil". To you, the one who has realised the truth in my words, I say GO FORTH AND RID THE WORLD OF TECHNOLOGY! Don't be afraid to stop someone on the street, grab their mobile phone and toss it into the nearest lake. Don't tremble when you send the £900 HD TV ur popsy just bought flying out the window. Do not fear for I am with you in sprit and I am only going to be with you in spirit cos if you actually do any of the things I just said you will be physically get the shit kicked out of you.

Sunday, 13 June 2010

The Pastor, Scribbles & The Prophecy: Conclusion

14:27 Posted by Sir Scribbles 29 comments
So, Pastor "Seer" said he'd had a vision and in the future I'd be gay. My reply was "o_O". In my head I was saying "Shey dis man dey mad? Me? Robert, Gay? How? From where?" He kept on repeating how accurate his visions have always been and he knew I'd be shocked but if I was willing to work closely with him he could help me prevent the vision from coming to pass. Sounds like the plot of a time travel movie right? I told him that there's no way I'd be gay in the future and since he's a seer he should be able to see my past and see that all my "relations" have always been with the opposite sex and in no way homosexual. I left his office confused and frightened to be honest. You might be asking yourself "how can you be frightened if u are a solid straight guy? If u don't have the tendencies you won't be scared". Remember, this Pastor has had quite a few fulfilled visions and he ran a church with members who'd testified of the authenticity of his gift. I was scared I swear, what he told me started messing with my head, I started asking myself "how is this even possible? Maybe it's true. No it can't be! U like women remember?" After a few days I started piecing together a few things that made me doubt the validity of his visions:

  • Firstly, we'd never seen his wife. He was a pastor who always talked about his wife but we'd never seen her. Most members had only heard about her and even Richard agreed that the wife of a man of God should at least be known by the congregation. Apparently, she lived in Nigeria and came into London once in a while to be with her husband. It was all a bit too dodgy.
  • Secondly, he told me not to tell anybody about the vision. Correct me if I'm wromg but aren't u supposed to share something of this magnitude with family at least? He told me not to tell anyone and it should be between the two of us.
I think these 2 things were what kept me from losing my mind. On one hand I had the vision with it's "geniune" source and on the other hand I had all these questions that just made me doubt everything about the man. I didn't tell anyone about the vision except my sister and she blantantly refuted it. She said she'd had her doubts about the man's gifts but didn't want to say anything about it. We kept on going to the church and after every service I'd dodge the Pastor and head home. Sometimes he'd call and ask me to come into his office for counseling and I'd find some excuse to cancel. I didn't care if he could "see" through my excuses with his gift because as far as I was concerned, something was just not right.

One saturday afternoon I went to see one of my uncle's, I spent the whole day at his place and when I decided to leave I told him I had to go because I wanted to go to bed early for church the next day. He asked what the name of my church was, I told him. He asked where is was, I told him. He told me the Pastor's name and asked if he was correct, I said he was. He asked me to go to church the next day and ask what the Pastor's wife's name was and when I find out I should come back and tell him. The next day I found out her name but forget to relay the information to my uncle. The following week my mum came to visit us from nigeria and during the weekend I followed her to visit my uncle. After they'd discussed a few family matters he asked me if I'd found out the Pastor's wife's name and when I told him he shook his head and started laughing.

According to my uncle, when he first came into london he had lived with the Pastor and his wife for a couple of years and been there when the man had started the church. A few months after the church started my uncle said the pastor's wife confronted the Pastor one evening with tears in her eyes and a box filled with gay porn in her hands. When my uncle said "gay porn" my jaw dropped and my mumsy, being the igbo woman that she is, screamed "TUFIAKWA!" and grabbed her chest. My uncle said that after his wife found the box of gay porn her and the pastor had a huge argument and he ended up sending her back to Nigeria. That explained why we never saw her in church and many people hadn't met her. My uncle said he'd live with them for a few more months after the incident before moving out and during the last few months he spent there he'd seen young boys come and go from the house but never asked any questions because he didn't want to cause any trouble. He said that what the pastor does is use some sort of Metaphysics to seemingly read people and tell them things about themselves that are sometimes true and most times false. Then he gets young boys, gives them money and busy them things in exchange for only God knows what. When he said "only God knows what" my brain interpreted it to "Romping shop inna d boys booty".

I never went to that church again, I actually told Richard about what my uncle had said but Richard chose to keep attending the church because, in his words, "It's not about the Pastor but what's in your heart". That one is his business though, I ran from that church like a Usain Bolt chasing a gold medal. No wonder the man had said I was going to be gay in the future, he was trying to prepare me for some romping lol. Anyways, I haven't seen or heard anything about the Seer Pastor since then. Richard still goes to the church and sometimes he tries to get me to come back. A suggestion that always gets the reply "Be like sey u dey mad!!!"

The Pastor, Scribbles & The Prophecy

10:48 Posted by Sir Scribbles 22 comments
This is a post I've wanted to do for a very very long time but didn't think it was appropriate until now. It's about A Pastor and his "prophecy" about Sir Scribbles. Interested yet? I'm sure you already are:

This began sometime in march 2009. I and my Sister had been convinced by a family friend to join this church he'd been going to for about a year. We'd been searching for a suitable church for about 6months and this family friend, Richard, suggested we come to his, check it out and if we didn't like it we could just not come back the following sunday. We went to the church on one particular sunday and realised the only detail Richard left out when telling us about his church was The Pastor was a "Seer".

Basically, the man can tap into the spiritual realm and see things in your past, present & future. Imagine how shocked I was when, at the service, he asked newcomers to come to the front and after I came forward he touch my forehead and said "You are about to start a new phase in your life and you aren't sure if it's the right path for you". At the time I was just getting into my Masters programme and had a few doubts about what I was doing and where it'd lead me. After he said those words to me I immediately assumed he was a genuine pastor with a genuine gift from God. Me and my sister became regulars in the church, I joined the Car Park unit and helped out in the parking lot and my sister joined the Sanctuary unit which helped clean the church before and after service. We even brought my mum to the church and as skeptical as she is about unknown pastors and churches, she agreed that the Man, his gifts and his ministry were genuine. The Pastor started taking a liking to me and Richard. He'd tell us to come to his office on weekdays for counselling and prayers, he'd ask us if we needed anything and if we were alright financially and otherwise. If even talked to Richard about girls, sex and abstinence. I on the other hand liked to keep private stuff private and anytime he brought up the subject of women I'd just crack a joke and change the subject. I think my elusiveness of subject of a more "personal" nature made his interest in me and my life grow and soon enough Richard was no longer the focus of his "spiritual eye" because he'd set them on me.

Now I have to add that I was a tad bit tense anytime I was around this Pastor. He was a man with d gift of insight and as far as I knew, he was probably reading my thoughts and viewing my whole life as a movie playing in his head. I never lied to him because I thought he'd just see right through me and instead of lying I just dodged questions. When he asked me if I was a virgin I'd crack a joke. When he asked if I had a girlfriend I'd crack a joke. Everytime he tried squeezing info out of me I'd wiggle my way out and I think he got frustrated and decided it was time to take drastic measures to get to me. He appraoched me after service one sunday and told me he'd like to speak with me in private during the week. I told him I had school during the week and I'd only be free on Tuesday so we made an appointement for Tuesday evening and between Sunday and tuesday afternoon I kept asking myself "What in the world does this man want? Has he seen my death in the future? Abi he's seen me past indiscreations". Tuesday evening finally came and I went to see him and boy did this man shock me.

After a bit of small talk and irrelavant chatter he decided to get to the point. He looked me straight in the eye and said "Robert, I don't know how to tell you this but I have seen a vision and in the future you will be gay"

....To Be Continued