a week in my mind and you won't want to go home...

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Transformers: Obi's H.E.A.D. II

18:01 Posted by Sir Scribbles 35 comments
Episode Recap:
Dr. Saint Obi: Formerly in possession of the Sphere but killed while being pursued by Eguje
Eguje: Anunobicon who transforms into a Police car. Ordered to retrieve H.E.A.D. at all costs
Somto Okoro: Nephew of Dr. Saint Obi and currently in possession of The Sphere
Gidibee: Robot who transforms into a Yellow Black Taxi. Currently protecting H.E.A.D & Somto from Eguje.

and now for Part 2.....

Somto sat back in the passenger seat of what he now knew as a talking robot transforming taxi cab, GidiBee, speeding down the highway with a another transforming robot car in hot pursuit. A little light on Gidibee's dashboard lit up and "PING!!" flashed across the windshield followed by "Gidibee! Is the sphere secure?". 'I think someone's.....texting you?" Somto said. Gidibee remained silent but another message typed it's way onto the screen "Yes Prime. I've gotten H.E.A.D. Currently in my possession as well as the nephew but...", a second reply followed "...Eguje is in pursuit. Rendevous after neutralisation Brb". Seconds later, a reply flashed on the screen, "be careful Gidibee. Protect the sphere and Somto at all costs. Ttyl". Gidibee sped into a junction and swerved left, screeching tyres leaving a thick scent of burning rubber, "Somto, I need to draw Eguje away from innocent civilians. Geo-scans of the area show an abandoned construction site 0.5miles from our position so that's where were headed. Hold on"

They crashed through the loosely chained gate of the construction yard and Gidibee sped towards a dusty skip at the end of the yard. The passenger door popped open and he swerved infront of the skip tossing Somto through the open door onto the a pile of abandoned timber and mattresses in it. "Take cover and wait Somto. Keep the sphere safe and stay low until I'm done" said Gidibee as he shifted into Robot form and aimed at the construction yard entrance with a massive revolving canon which had egressed from his right arm. Eguje sped into the yard and Gidibee fired several shots at the pursuing Anunobicon who veered, transformed mid-drive and rolled under the last 2 shota before diving headfirst into Gidibee's midsection sending the grunting yellow & black robot crashing into the uncompleted building behind. Somto watched as Eguje threw punches at Gidibee who blocked and ducked each one before landing a metal crunching uppercut, sending the Anunobicon flying backwards. Eguje rolled to its feet, pulled out a canon from it's left thigh and shot at Gidibee who took cover behind subsequent pillars as Eguje blasted each one to bits. The Anunobicon charged at him shooting as Gidibee pulled out a thick metal rod from an uncompleted pillar and hurled it at Eguje, spearing him in d shoulder. He pulled out the rod from his shoulder, which bled sparks and pieces of metal, just in time to parry a Gidibee left hook but not the following midriff kick which sent the anunobicon staggering backwards. Eguje fired at the advancing Gidibee who deftly sidestep the shot, grabbed its firing arm and crashed his elbow into it, severing it from Eguje's body. He then grabbed the severed arm and swung it at Eguje, smacking the damaged Anunobicon in the face. The defiant one-armed Anunobicon threw a fleeting punch at Gidibee who leaned away from it and blasted the arm off with a severing canon shot to the shoulder. The armless Eguje feebly kicked Gidibee backwards & shifted back into its police car form, in an attempt to escape but it was futile as Gidibee took aim and fired a flurry of shots landing scorching hits on the fleeing police car which flipped and spun with each hit before hitting the ground as a lifeless heap of metal. Somto, still hiding in the skip, emerged with the sphere in hand as Gidibee approached him with his canon retracting back into his right arm. "Are you ok Somto?" He asked. "I'm fine" Somto replied, staring at d downed Anunobicon, "...that was friggin amazing!!". "Thank you but we must move quickly and rendevous with the others" said Gidibee as he shifted back into the yellow and black taxi cab. Somto slid into d passenger seat and they pulled out of the construction yard and drove off.

They'd parked in large backalley and Somto stood beside Gidibee while he transformed into Robot form, pulled out a little black device from its left wrist and began typing on it "Wait while I ping the others" said Gidibee. A few minutes later, Somto heard the sound of approaching vehicles and a series of bright headlights appear at the other end of the alley. As they got closer, Somto recognised each vehicle: a silver Honda Accord on the far left, a black Hummer right beside it, a red volkswagen Camper on the far right and Big blue Tipper with a red bonnet in the centre. The vehicles stopped a few yards from Somto and Gidibee with d Tipper further forward than the rest and, just like Gidibee and Eguje, they transformed. The Accord shifted into a mid-sized robot who stepped over to the wall on his right and leaned on it playing what sounded like "Bad Guy". The Camper shifted into a larger-sized robot and step forward towards Somto. The Hummer transformered into a bulkier Robot than the last two and finally the Tipper transformed into a gigantic Robot who walked towards Somto, crouched and spoke

"Good evening Somto Okoro" it said.

"....Goo-good evening..." replied a stuttering Somto.

"Do not be afraid. We mean you no harm" said the Tipper robot.

"err ok. Shey you will explain what's been going on abi? cos one minute I'm getting a glass of water at home and the next, I'm being chased by a crazy police car robot and watching two robots beat the crap out of each other from the comfort of a skip".

"All will be explained soon Somto. Do you have the sphere?" asked the Tipper.

"Yes I do" replied somto, handing over the seemingly coveted object to him. The robot took the sphere and latched it onto an exposure in its chest which clamped the sphere down.

"Finally brothers, we've retrieved H.E.A.D. Please Somto, permit me to introduce ourselves." He turned to the accompanying robots and began:

"We are the Lasmabots. This is 2-Shot" pointing at the Hummer Robot to his right. "My Lieutenant and our weapons expert. We've seen many battles together and he's both a fine soldier and a loyal friend" 2-Shot pulled out massive glowing canons on each of his arms and looked at each of them before staring at Somto saying "..492 and countinng....".

"He's been keeping count of the number of Anunobicons he's deautomated." said Egbon who proceeded to his left, "This is Panelbeater, our chief medical officer. Many Lasmabots have been saved from de-automation thanks of him. Panelbeater, who'd been approached by Gidibee, seemed to be scanning his fellow Lasmabot. He nodded at Somto and said to Gidibee "No serious damage detected Gidibee. Nice work"

Egbon continued, "Our intelligence expert, Diskus" gesturing to the leaning Honda Accord robot who immediately stopped the playing music and sprang towards them on introduction "Yes boss!" Diskus said. "How far Somto wetin dey happen? I hear sey you and Gidibee enter small gbese before. Gidibee handle the situation like a boss abi? Sure bot!"

"Where did you learn to talk like that" asked Somto, to which Egbon replied. "Gidilounge. He's spent quite some time studying human culture and communication. Apparently this language & English are the most common syntax of communication." Suddenly the music started playing again "Yes boss" said Diskus "Somto no worry, boyz don show and Egbon dey your side so, nothing dey happen."

Egbon proceed "You've already met our recon officer Gidibee. I am Egbon Prime, leader of the Lasmabots. We have come here from our home planet Alabatron in search of this sphere, the Hyper Evo-Alabatron Database or H.E.A.D. You must have a lot of questions and hopefully this will answer them"."Alabatron was once a peaceful planet where our race flourished for many megacenturies, surviving on our power source, Alomogeon. As our technology and intelligence evolved, a rogue faction called the Anunobicons, led by the malevolent Eucharitron, sought to seize power of our planet, all its Alomogeon and thereafter, the galaxy. We, the Lasmabots, chose to fight back and thus began the Alabatronian civil war. We fought for many centuries and inevitably depleted our planets resources, draining it of all its Alomogeon. In the end, our planet could no longer sustain our race and the battles between the Lasmabots and Anunobicons spread to other parts of the galaxy. This sphere is the origin of our planet. It is the pinnacle of Alabatronian engineering and contains the purest known form of Alomogeon. It basically holds the key to saving Alabatron. Many years ago, the first Prime, Arugbo Prime, embarked on a mission to discover a planet void of life so we could rebuild Alabatron with the sphere. However he was ambushed by Euchariatron and his fiendish Anunobicons before he could locate a viable uninhabited planet. He fought valiantly and managed to fend them off but was mortally wounded and couldn't complete his mission. He made it to earth and that's where your uncle, Dr. Saint Obi, through circumstances we are not quit certain of yet, found him and the sphere. We sent Gidibee in search of both of them and after searching countless planets, he tracked them down to Earth but only found Arugbo's crashed ship which was void of both Arugbo and the Sphere. We had hoped the knowledge of its location was only known to us but after Gidibee encountered Anunobicon presence on earth, he pinged us for reinforcements. The Anunobicon you encountered earlier was Euchariatron's, as human's call it, hitman. A ruthless assassin who was probably ordered to retrieve the sphere too and even though Gidibee handled Eguje, I fear Euchariatron will not be so easily swept aside"

"Seeeeeeeeen" said Somto, who had been listening intently. "So basically, that thing I was carry about is capable if birthing a planet? Na wa! and Gidibee tossed me into a skip with it in my hands? what if it had exploded or something? hmmmmm!. Ok so now that you have it, what will you do next?". he asked

"I'm hoping we can use the sphere's original schematic to rebuild our planet somwhere else. Euchariatron seeks to use Earth as a draft from Alabatron, wiping away humanity and replacing it with Alabatronians. Dr Obi had transcribed Alabatronian text he received from Arugbo Prime before he died and the schematics of the sphere must have been in his possession."

"Err..schematics?" asked a puzzled Somto. "Nope. No idea about that. I did notice some suitcases back home when I first saw the sphere though"
.
"Then they must still be in those suitcases. We must head back to your residence and retrieve them before Euchariatrtron. If Eguje knew the sphere was at your house then the other Aninobicons must have been informed too. We must......." Egbon paused mid-setence, staring intensely behind him...

"What is it Egbon" asked Panelbeater.

"LASMABOTS!!..." bellowed Egbon, who had suddenly unsheathed a glowing matchet from his right hand and had a massive canon in the other. "Battle formation! We have company...."

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

Transformers: Obi's H.E.A.D. I

12:45 Posted by Sir Scribbles 8 comments
6:34pm. Somto slowly walked home, he recounted how dreadfully boring another day at college had been. He'd managed to muster no motivation for school so far, nothing in general excited him anymore and once again, he felt like his sanity was gradually sipping away courtesy of his constantly dreary life. He tapped a button on his phone, stared at the screen for a few seconds and let out a defeating sigh. "No mentions. No DMs" he said to himself. as much as nothing mattered to him anymore, it also seemed like he didn't matter to anyone either. He arrived at the gate to the house and banged on it, waiting for d gateman to respond. As Kasali unbolted the gate's locks, Somto noticed the police car parked across the street with its tinted windows. "...still there sha...weird" he thought as he once again tried to catch a glimpse of the driver through the tinted windows but couldn't. He'd noticed it 3 days ago and thought it was just making a routine patrol of the neighbourhood but it had parked and not moved from that spot since. Kasali opened the gate, distracting Somto from present thought, and greeted him with his trademark "welcome small oga." Somto walked past the gateman, who looked slightly irritated and hasty, and entered the house with only food & sleep on his mind. Kasali, relieved to see the back of Somto, locked the gate and returned to the Indian porn VCD which small oga had rudely interrupted. Somto made his way to the kitchen, mentally noting the voices in the living room, and as he pulled out a pot, plate and 3 satchets of Indomie noodles, he realised the voices belonged to his father and Uncle Obi. Somto urged himself to pop into d living room to say hello but the need to feed himself and sleep wouldn't permit any detours tonight. 5 minutes later, with a bowl of steamy indomie in one hand and a glass of water in the other, he retired to his bedroom for what would be an almost acceptable end to another boring day. Meanwhile, the parked Police Car, which hadn't moved in three days started it's engine....

Obi could only pray it was safe. He'd handed over 2 suitcases and a large cannister to his brother for safe keeping but made sure he convinced him it was merely excess luggage which he could not take with him on his little vacation to London. Obi knew it was the only he he could guarantee it's safety and hopefully, if he hadn't been followed, it would stay safe in his brother's care until it was needed. "Heaven forbid it fall into their hands....." he thought, as he drove out through his brother's gate and sped off towards the airport. He loved his brother dearly but he knew secrecy was the only way to ensure the item's safety and ossibly the safety of mankind. His conscience tore at him like a invisible beast and deep down, a pestering voice reminded him that he had possibly put the his brother's entire household in danger. He glanced at the rearview mirror and spotted a police car, with tinted windows behind him. His gazed returned to the road ahead momentarily before quickly snapping back to the rear-view mirror again. "CHINEKE!" he screamed as the police car passed under a lit streetlight and he recognised the glinting insignia on its bonnet. He planted his foot firmly on the accelarator and the needle on the speedometer swung across the dial. Obi swung his steering hands to the right, hurling his 1997 Peugeot 504 into a right turn as it's tyres screeched on the road beneath. He looked up at the red light he'd just sped past and then behind to see the Police car speedily giving chase and just then, he felt a sudden crushing pain in the left side of his body just before his world went dark. The Tanker had come out of nowhere and smashed into the left side of the Peugeot hurling a grotesque mixture of metal, flesh and blood through it's passernger window. The Tanker screeched to a halt and as onlookers gathered and gasped at Obi's bloody carcase in the driver's seat, The Police Car pulled up behind the wreckage....

"Eguje transmitting.......
Target Obi: Terminated........
Scanning for H.E.A.D...................N/A. H.E.A.D not found.
Awaiting orders...."

None of the onlookers heard the car's transmission but and some started to wonder why a Police car was parked so idly at the scene of an accident. A few seconds later, it received a response

"Transmission received.
If H.E.A.D is not with Dr. Obi then he must have left it at his last location.
Return to the Okoro residence and retrieve it at all cost.
End Transmission"

Egujecon screeched into a 180 degree turn and sped down the road back to the Okoro's. It weaved past other vehicles whose drivers honked their horns in complaint, and swerved away from screaming pedestrians who scuttled to pavements to avoid the speeding police car.

"Orders confirmed.
Enroute: Okonkwo residence. H.E.A.D must be retrieved.
All Hail Euchariatron"

Back at the Okoro residence, Somto's had awoken with a thirst. He made is way down to the kitchen and noticed the odd looking cylindrical cannister on the dining table. Curiosty overtook thirst now and he grabbed the cannister, twisted the top off, turned it upside down and tap it's bottom until an odd looking spherical item fell onto the table. It was an odd looking thing with weird markings across the surface. Somto picked it up and stared at it confusingly for a few minutes before it suddenly started vibrating in his hands and glowing. Somto, confused and curious now, attempted to recognise the markings on the sphere and at that very moment, a yellow & black taxi crashed through the kitchen wall. It stopped in the middle of the room amidst a pile of rubble and Somto watched as the cab creaked and twisted until bonnet broke apart into chestplate, tires flipped into ankles and what was a cab a few seconds ago, had now become a Huge Robot crouched in the kitchen possibly to avoid destroying the ceiling.

"Somto Okoro?" It asked. Somto, frozen with fright, stared back without reply. "Are you Somto Okoro? Do you have H.E.A.D?"

"ye-ye-yes...I'm Somto. What the hell.....wetin be dis? What the hell are you?!"

The Robot glanced at Somto's hand, spotted the sphere and immediately shifted back into it's previous yellow and black cab form. Somto could hear Kasali screaming in hausa outside the house but his mind was far more interested in the Robot-car transformation going on in the kitchen. The passenger door opened by itself and the car spoke more urgently this time...

"Your life is in danger Somto. You must come with me now. Get in now"

"Come with you where?" Somto asked, clutching the sphere close to his chest. "Na so people go just enter moto wey dey change to Robot abi? What is going on?"

Before the cab could reply, a burning bright wave of light shot through the kitchen wall, past Somto and hit the wall behind him. A series of shots followed and Somto caught a glimspe of what looked like another Robot, with Police car parts and markings, running towards the house.

"SOMTO! get in the car now!" commanded the cab.

Somto dove into the gaping passernger's seat and as the door shut behind him, the cab reversed out of the kitchen, slammed into the shins of the oncoming Police car robot and sent it tumbling over them. The cab spun the other way and accelearated out of the Okoro residence as a watching Kasali wailed "AHHH! Gaskiya Oga go kill am por me tomorrow. Kai!". Somto stuck his head out of the window to see the other robot shift into a familiar looking Police Car and speed after them.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" screamed Somto. "Abeg wetin be all dis one now? what are you?!"

"That was an Anunobicon Somto. I am Gidi-Bee and you need to hold onto that sphere tight and brace yourself. Eguje can be very persistent...."

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

The Crazy, The Broke & the downright Worwor

15:55 Posted by Sir Scribbles 23 comments
as usual... spell checking is for weaklings...

You know what baffles me? When people don't cut their cloth according to their cloth. I read something a young lady wrote and it went something like this: "I want an independent, handsome, tall, rich man to come and sweep me off my feet. I'm not easy to please so he has his work cut out for him", Naturally I became curious and I decided to check out the author of the statement. You go fear now! I checked the babe out and shock seize me! My people I say shock seize me for throat! I don't want to offend anyone but if the next few sentence rub you the wrong way then na ur fault cos nobody force u 2 read blog. If the babe snags a rich, tall, independent, handsome man then the universe is doing partiality for Jennifer Aniston.

Sometimes you'll hear a woman say "I don't want a man who's too possessive and won't give me space to just be myself, have friends and be independent". Yet the same seemingly normal babes will turn out to be crazyass chicks who do autopsies on laptops and Blackberries just to find that which Facebook profiles you've had the audacity to look up. Have you ever seen a crazy chick in action b4? SHET! It's not a pretty sight. You know what's worse than crazyass chicks? Worwor chicks! Now Thats definitely not a pretty sight. You know what's worse than a Worwor chick? A Worwor chick who calls other people ugly. That, my people, is a new version of insanity where a person is afflicted with the killer 3hit combo of Worwor, self-deceit & the audacity to still open mouth and yarn nonsense. Situations and people like this should be a warning to all mankind that the end is definitely nigh and even if it is, their continued existence is only hastening Armageddons plans

Baffling it is, wen u hear a brokeass woman say she wants a rich man who can afford to buy them all the things they desire. Brokeass chick oh! The kind that has to hustle cab fair to go and visit the potential buyer of all the things she desires. The kind that walks around with an empty purse like a subliminal message to other prospective mugus to come, explore, spend & jonz. I'm talking about the big bad babes who'd rather leech off other people than organise what's left of their self-respect and make something of themselves. In the Hierarchy of Respect, we have The Independent Womam at the top and somewhere in the middle is the Humble Lady who's content with what she has. Then, at the bottom, after Crazyass hypocritical chicks and judgmental Worworass chicks, you'll find Brokeass chicks. Brokeass chicks who don't respect themselves embody the essence of humanities basic problem.......craze!

.......*wipes sweat* Now think happy thoghts

Hoe: A non-agricultural approach

08:56 Posted by Sir Scribbles 11 comments
The following post may rub some of you the wrong way. As usual, spell-checking is for weaklings...

You may have come across the term "Hoe" at some point in your life. You may have heard it in a conversation, used it yourself to "compliment" someone or maybe even had the "honour" of being addressed as one before. Whichever way, it's undeniable that "Hoe" is a part of everyday life. Today, I simply wish to enlighten those who may be mystified by The Hoe. If you already grasp the concept of then this will simply supplement your knowledge. Either way, learning never stops. Today, we learn about The Hoe. Let's Begin

Concept
The origin of the Hoe, like the reason behind Kim Kardashian's fame, is shrouded in mystery. Some say it dates back as far as early 17th century while others say it may even be as old as Sean Connery himself (which is pretty dam old by the way. We may not be able to trace the origin of The Hoe but we can confidently say that like its track record with men/women, it's been around. What or Who is a Hoe then? "A Hoe is a gardening tool used for digging the earth". If you wanna get technical then you can also say "A Hoe is a man or woman who's been with more guys/girls than WAEC". A Hoe is a Slut. An Ashewo. A man-hoe. A pers0n who's decided that come rain or shine, everytime is shagging time (Choc City sign me up!). A hoe will hop on a penis or VJJ faster than you can say 'Osondi Owendi' backwards and if you are wondering if a hoe has self-respect or self-control, the answer is no! These things are foreign to a hoe; for Shame, a hoe has not. The concept of "The Hoe" basically revolves around the nuts of a man or the orifice of a woman. Now that we've elaborated on the concept of The Hoe. Let's move on....

Terms of Use
"Hoe" is usually used to describe a woman who's attained a well above average record in humping anything with 2 & a half legs or sliding into anything regularly willing enough to have bending over as a hobby. It should only be used to identify a woman who deserves the accolade simply because she's turned the space between her legs into a tool free parking zone. For a man to be a Hoe, he must have turned his penis into a VJJ tollgate (Figuratively ofcourse). So, Is "Hoe" an insult? Well that depends on the mentality of the man or woman. Some people strive towards Hoedom and if such a person is called a hoe, it's mission accomplished. Nowadays, Hoe is being used as a salutation, a compliment even. It's common to see girls addressing each other as hoes without ill intent or desire to insult. It's rare to see guys use it on each other outside the usual banter and joke-filled scenarios but it's still considered a misuse of the term. Like drugs, black magic & Soulja Boy, Hoe is a bad thing. It's not a compliment, nor is it praise. Give honour to whom honour is due and Hoedom to who Hoedom deserves.

Evolution & Conclusion
The Evolution of a Hoe is a concept not many researchers have bothered to investigate. It simply focuses on what a Hoe was, is, and will be. The evolution of a Hoe can be determined simply from the woma's track record. For example, that primary school classmate of yours who loved doing "Show me yours and I'll show you mine" during Break time, will probably be the same girl in Secondary school who discovers how many different ways a candle can "light up" her world. She'll probably also be the same one in Uni who's VJJ has more attendants than the library the day before vacation. A habit turns into a character and a character builds a lifestlye. In the end, Hoedom becomes a lifestyle and like Homoerectus became Homosapien, Hoe-trainee becomes Hoe-Director. Same thing for guys, a pervert can be a man-hoe but a man-hoe is not always a pervert. Man-hoes will usually try to conceal their dealings in order not to scare away propestive prey with a bad reputation. However, like fart in crowded elevator, a man-hoe's bad reputation will still spread. The Hoe has not evolved much over the years though, what has evolved are the instruments of Hoedom, a subject which will be discussed in a later post. In conclusion, Hoedom shares a symbiotic relationship with mankind and for as long as we have dick or VJJ (and some have both), Hoes will always exist to offer patronage.