The Royal Scribbles

Transformers: Obi's H.E.A.D. II

2011-07-12T18:01:00.001-07:00

Episode Recap:

Dr. Saint Obi: Formerly in possession of the Sphere but killed while being pursued by Eguje

Eguje: Anunobicon who transforms into a Police car. Ordered to retrieve H.E.A.D. at all costs

Somto Okoro: Nephew of Dr. Saint Obi and currently in possession of The Sphere

Gidibee: Robot who transforms into a Yellow Black Taxi. Currently protecting H.E.A.D & Somto from Eguje.

and now for Part 2.....

Somto sat back in the passenger seat of what he now knew as a talking robot transforming taxi cab, GidiBee, speeding down the highway with a another transforming robot car in hot pursuit. A little light on Gidibee's dashboard lit up and "PING!!" flashed across the windshield followed by "Gidibee! Is the sphere secure?". 'I think someone's.....texting you?" Somto said. Gidibee remained silent but another message typed it's way onto the screen "Yes Prime. I've gotten H.E.A.D. Currently in my possession as well as the nephew but...", a second reply followed "...Eguje is in pursuit. Rendevous after neutralisation Brb". Seconds later, a reply flashed on the screen, "be careful Gidibee. Protect the sphere and Somto at all costs. Ttyl". Gidibee sped into a junction and swerved left, screeching tyres leaving a thick scent of burning rubber, "Somto, I need to draw Eguje away from innocent civilians. Geo-scans of the area show an abandoned construction site 0.5miles from our position so that's where were headed. Hold on"

They crashed through the loosely chained gate of the construction yard and Gidibee sped towards a dusty skip at the end of the yard. The passenger door popped open and he swerved infront of the skip tossing Somto through the open door onto the a pile of abandoned timber and mattresses in it. "Take cover and wait Somto. Keep the sphere safe and stay low until I'm done" said Gidibee as he shifted into Robot form and aimed at the construction yard entrance with a massive revolving canon which had egressed from his right arm. Eguje sped into the yard and Gidibee fired several shots at the pursuing Anunobicon who veered, transformed mid-drive and rolled under the last 2 shota before diving headfirst into Gidibee's midsection sending the grunting yellow & black robot crashing into the uncompleted building behind. Somto watched as Eguje threw punches at Gidibee who blocked and ducked each one before landing a metal crunching uppercut, sending the Anunobicon flying backwards. Eguje rolled to its feet, pulled out a canon from it's left thigh and shot at Gidibee who took cover behind subsequent pillars as Eguje blasted each one to bits. The Anunobicon charged at him shooting as Gidibee pulled out a thick metal rod from an uncompleted pillar and hurled it at Eguje, spearing him in d shoulder. He pulled out the rod from his shoulder, which bled sparks and pieces of metal, just in time to parry a Gidibee left hook but not the following midriff kick which sent the anunobicon staggering backwards. Eguje fired at the advancing Gidibee who deftly sidestep the shot, grabbed its firing arm and crashed his elbow into it, severing it from Eguje's body. He then grabbed the severed arm and swung it at Eguje, smacking the damaged Anunobicon in the face. The defiant one-armed Anunobicon threw a fleeting punch at Gidibee who leaned away from it and blasted the arm off with a severing canon shot to the shoulder. The armless Eguje feebly kicked Gidibee backwards & shifted back into its police car form, in an attempt to escape but it was futile as Gidibee took aim and fired a flurry of shots landing scorching hits on the fleeing police car which flipped and spun with each hit before hitting the ground as a lifeless heap of metal. Somto, still hiding in the skip, emerged with the sphere in hand as Gidibee approached him with his canon retracting back into his right arm. "Are you ok Somto?" He asked. "I'm fine" Somto replied, staring at d downed Anunobicon, "...that was friggin amazing!!". "Thank you but we must move quickly and rendevous with the others" said Gidibee as he shifted back into the yellow and black taxi cab. Somto slid into d passenger seat and they pulled out of the construction yard and drove off.

They'd parked in large backalley and Somto stood beside Gidibee while he transformed into Robot form, pulled out a little black device from its left wrist and began typing on it "Wait while I ping the others" said Gidibee. A few minutes later, Somto heard the sound of approaching vehicles and a series of bright headlights appear at the other end of the alley. As they got closer, Somto recognised each vehicle: a silver Honda Accord on the far left, a black Hummer right beside it, a red volkswagen Camper on the far right and Big blue Tipper with a red bonnet in the centre. The vehicles stopped a few yards from Somto and Gidibee with d Tipper further forward than the rest and, just like Gidibee and Eguje, they transformed. The Accord shifted into a mid-sized robot who stepped over to the wall on his right and leaned on it playing what sounded like "Bad Guy". The Camper shifted into a larger-sized robot and step forward towards Somto. The Hummer transformered into a bulkier Robot than the last two and finally the Tipper transformed into a gigantic Robot who walked towards Somto, crouched and spoke

"Good evening Somto Okoro" it said.

"....Goo-good evening..." replied a stuttering Somto.

"Do not be afraid. We mean you no harm" said the Tipper robot.

"err ok. Shey you will explain what's been going on abi? cos one minute I'm getting a glass of water at home and the next, I'm being chased by a crazy police car robot and watching two robots beat the crap out of each other from the comfort of a skip".

"All will be explained soon Somto. Do you have the sphere?" asked the Tipper.

"Yes I do" replied somto, handing over the seemingly coveted object to him. The robot took the sphere and latched it onto an exposure in its chest which clamped the sphere down.

"Finally brothers, we've retrieved H.E.A.D. Please Somto, permit me to introduce ourselves." He turned to the accompanying robots and began:

"We are the Lasmabots. This is 2-Shot" pointing at the Hummer Robot to his right. "My Lieutenant and our weapons expert. We've seen many battles together and he's both a fine soldier and a loyal friend" 2-Shot pulled out massive glowing canons on each of his arms and looked at each of them before staring at Somto saying "..492 and countinng....".

"He's been keeping count of the number of Anunobicons he's deautomated." said Egbon who proceeded to his left, "This is Panelbeater, our chief medical officer. Many Lasmabots have been saved from de-automation thanks of him. Panelbeater, who'd been approached by Gidibee, seemed to be scanning his fellow Lasmabot. He nodded at Somto and said to Gidibee "No serious damage detected Gidibee. Nice work"

Egbon continued, "Our intelligence expert, Diskus" gesturing to the leaning Honda Accord robot who immediately stopped the playing music and sprang towards them on introduction "Yes boss!" Diskus said. "How far Somto wetin dey happen? I hear sey you and Gidibee enter small gbese before. Gidibee handle the situation like a boss abi? Sure bot!"

"Where did you learn to talk like that" asked Somto, to which Egbon replied. "Gidilounge. He's spent quite some time studying human culture and communication. Apparently this language & English are the most common syntax of communication." Suddenly the music started playing again "Yes boss" said Diskus "Somto no worry, boyz don show and Egbon dey your side so, nothing dey happen."

Egbon proceed "You've already met our recon officer Gidibee. I am Egbon Prime, leader of the Lasmabots. We have come here from our home planet Alabatron in search of this sphere, the Hyper Evo-Alabatron Database or H.E.A.D. You must have a lot of questions and hopefully this will answer them"."Alabatron was once a peaceful planet where our race flourished for many megacenturies, surviving on our power source, Alomogeon. As our technology and intelligence evolved, a rogue faction called the Anunobicons, led by the malevolent Eucharitron, sought to seize power of our planet, all its Alomogeon and thereafter, the galaxy. We, the Lasmabots, chose to fight back and thus began the Alabatronian civil war. We fought for many centuries and inevitably depleted our planets resources, draining it of all its Alomogeon. In the end, our planet could no longer sustain our race and the battles between the Lasmabots and Anunobicons spread to other parts of the galaxy. This sphere is the origin of our planet. It is the pinnacle of Alabatronian engineering and contains the purest known form of Alomogeon. It basically holds the key to saving Alabatron. Many years ago, the first Prime, Arugbo Prime, embarked on a mission to discover a planet void of life so we could rebuild Alabatron with the sphere. However he was ambushed by Euchariatron and his fiendish Anunobicons before he could locate a viable uninhabited planet. He fought valiantly and managed to fend them off but was mortally wounded and couldn't complete his mission. He made it to earth and that's where your uncle, Dr. Saint Obi, through circumstances we are not quit certain of yet, found him and the sphere. We sent Gidibee in search of both of them and after searching countless planets, he tracked them down to Earth but only found Arugbo's crashed ship which was void of both Arugbo and the Sphere. We had hoped the knowledge of its location was only known to us but after Gidibee encountered Anunobicon presence on earth, he pinged us for reinforcements. The Anunobicon you encountered earlier was Euchariatron's, as human's call it, hitman. A ruthless assassin who was probably ordered to retrieve the sphere too and even though Gidibee handled Eguje, I fear Euchariatron will not be so easily swept aside"

"Seeeeeeeeen" said Somto, who had been listening intently. "So basically, that thing I was carry about is capable if birthing a planet? Na wa! and Gidibee tossed me into a skip with it in my hands? what if it had exploded or something? hmmmmm!. Ok so now that you have it, what will you do next?". he asked

"I'm hoping we can use the sphere's original schematic to rebuild our planet somwhere else. Euchariatron seeks to use Earth as a draft from Alabatron, wiping away humanity and replacing it with Alabatronians. Dr Obi had transcribed Alabatronian text he received from Arugbo Prime before he died and the schematics of the sphere must have been in his possession."

"Err..schematics?" asked a puzzled Somto. "Nope. No idea about that. I did notice some suitcases back home when I first saw the sphere though"

"Then they must still be in those suitcases. We must head back to your residence and retrieve them before Euchariatrtron. If Eguje knew the sphere was at your house then the other Aninobicons must have been informed too. We must......." Egbon paused mid-setence, staring intensely behind him...

"What is it Egbon" asked Panelbeater.

"LASMABOTS!!..." bellowed Egbon, who had suddenly unsheathed a glowing matchet from his right hand and had a massive canon in the other. "Battle formation! We have company...."

Transformers: Obi's H.E.A.D. I

2011-07-06T12:45:00.000-07:00

6:34pm. Somto slowly walked home, he recounted how dreadfully boring another day at college had been. He'd managed to muster no motivation for school so far, nothing in general excited him anymore and once again, he felt like his sanity was gradually sipping away courtesy of his constantly dreary life. He tapped a button on his phone, stared at the screen for a few seconds and let out a defeating sigh. "No mentions. No DMs" he said to himself. as much as nothing mattered to him anymore, it also seemed like he didn't matter to anyone either. He arrived at the gate to the house and banged on it, waiting for d gateman to respond. As Kasali unbolted the gate's locks, Somto noticed the police car parked across the street with its tinted windows. "...still there sha...weird" he thought as he once again tried to catch a glimpse of the driver through the tinted windows but couldn't. He'd noticed it 3 days ago and thought it was just making a routine patrol of the neighbourhood but it had parked and not moved from that spot since. Kasali opened the gate, distracting Somto from present thought, and greeted him with his trademark "welcome small oga." Somto walked past the gateman, who looked slightly irritated and hasty, and entered the house with only food & sleep on his mind. Kasali, relieved to see the back of Somto, locked the gate and returned to the Indian porn VCD which small oga had rudely interrupted. Somto made his way to the kitchen, mentally noting the voices in the living room, and as he pulled out a pot, plate and 3 satchets of Indomie noodles, he realised the voices belonged to his father and Uncle Obi. Somto urged himself to pop into d living room to say hello but the need to feed himself and sleep wouldn't permit any detours tonight. 5 minutes later, with a bowl of steamy indomie in one hand and a glass of water in the other, he retired to his bedroom for what would be an almost acceptable end to another boring day. Meanwhile, the parked Police Car, which hadn't moved in three days started it's engine....

Obi could only pray it was safe. He'd handed over 2 suitcases and a large cannister to his brother for safe keeping but made sure he convinced him it was merely excess luggage which he could not take with him on his little vacation to London. Obi knew it was the only he he could guarantee it's safety and hopefully, if he hadn't been followed, it would stay safe in his brother's care until it was needed. "Heaven forbid it fall into their hands....." he thought, as he drove out through his brother's gate and sped off towards the airport. He loved his brother dearly but he knew secrecy was the only way to ensure the item's safety and ossibly the safety of mankind. His conscience tore at him like a invisible beast and deep down, a pestering voice reminded him that he had possibly put the his brother's entire household in danger. He glanced at the rearview mirror and spotted a police car, with tinted windows behind him. His gazed returned to the road ahead momentarily before quickly snapping back to the rear-view mirror again. "CHINEKE!" he screamed as the police car passed under a lit streetlight and he recognised the glinting insignia on its bonnet. He planted his foot firmly on the accelarator and the needle on the speedometer swung across the dial. Obi swung his steering hands to the right, hurling his 1997 Peugeot 504 into a right turn as it's tyres screeched on the road beneath. He looked up at the red light he'd just sped past and then behind to see the Police car speedily giving chase and just then, he felt a sudden crushing pain in the left side of his body just before his world went dark. The Tanker had come out of nowhere and smashed into the left side of the Peugeot hurling a grotesque mixture of metal, flesh and blood through it's passernger window. The Tanker screeched to a halt and as onlookers gathered and gasped at Obi's bloody carcase in the driver's seat, The Police Car pulled up behind the wreckage....

"Eguje transmitting.......

Target Obi: Terminated........

Scanning for H.E.A.D...................N/A. H.E.A.D not found.

Awaiting orders...."

None of the onlookers heard the car's transmission but and some started to wonder why a Police car was parked so idly at the scene of an accident. A few seconds later, it received a response

"Transmission received.

If H.E.A.D is not with Dr. Obi then he must have left it at his last location.

Return to the Okoro residence and retrieve it at all cost.

End Transmission"

Egujecon screeched into a 180 degree turn and sped down the road back to the Okoro's. It weaved past other vehicles whose drivers honked their horns in complaint, and swerved away from screaming pedestrians who scuttled to pavements to avoid the speeding police car.

"Orders confirmed.

Enroute: Okonkwo residence. H.E.A.D must be retrieved.

All Hail Euchariatron"

Back at the Okoro residence, Somto's had awoken with a thirst. He made is way down to the kitchen and noticed the odd looking cylindrical cannister on the dining table. Curiosty overtook thirst now and he grabbed the cannister, twisted the top off, turned it upside down and tap it's bottom until an odd looking spherical item fell onto the table. It was an odd looking thing with weird markings across the surface. Somto picked it up and stared at it confusingly for a few minutes before it suddenly started vibrating in his hands and glowing. Somto, confused and curious now, attempted to recognise the markings on the sphere and at that very moment, a yellow & black taxi crashed through the kitchen wall. It stopped in the middle of the room amidst a pile of rubble and Somto watched as the cab creaked and twisted until bonnet broke apart into chestplate, tires flipped into ankles and what was a cab a few seconds ago, had now become a Huge Robot crouched in the kitchen possibly to avoid destroying the ceiling.

"Somto Okoro?" It asked. Somto, frozen with fright, stared back without reply. "Are you Somto Okoro? Do you have H.E.A.D?"

"ye-ye-yes...I'm Somto. What the hell.....wetin be dis? What the hell are you?!"

The Robot glanced at Somto's hand, spotted the sphere and immediately shifted back into it's previous yellow and black cab form. Somto could hear Kasali screaming in hausa outside the house but his mind was far more interested in the Robot-car transformation going on in the kitchen. The passenger door opened by itself and the car spoke more urgently this time...

"Your life is in danger Somto. You must come with me now. Get in now"

"Come with you where?" Somto asked, clutching the sphere close to his chest. "Na so people go just enter moto wey dey change to Robot abi? What is going on?"

Before the cab could reply, a burning bright wave of light shot through the kitchen wall, past Somto and hit the wall behind him. A series of shots followed and Somto caught a glimspe of what looked like another Robot, with Police car parts and markings, running towards the house.

"SOMTO! get in the car now!" commanded the cab.

Somto dove into the gaping passernger's seat and as the door shut behind him, the cab reversed out of the kitchen, slammed into the shins of the oncoming Police car robot and sent it tumbling over them. The cab spun the other way and accelearated out of the Okoro residence as a watching Kasali wailed "AHHH! Gaskiya Oga go kill am por me tomorrow. Kai!". Somto stuck his head out of the window to see the other robot shift into a familiar looking Police Car and speed after them.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" screamed Somto. "Abeg wetin be all dis one now? what are you?!"

"That was an Anunobicon Somto. I am Gidi-Bee and you need to hold onto that sphere tight and brace yourself. Eguje can be very persistent...."

The Crazy, The Broke & the downright Worwor

2011-03-09T15:55:00.001-08:00

as usual... spell checking is for weaklings...

You know what baffles me? When people don't cut their cloth according to their cloth. I read something a young lady wrote and it went something like this: "I want an independent, handsome, tall, rich man to come and sweep me off my feet. I'm not easy to please so he has his work cut out for him", Naturally I became curious and I decided to check out the author of the statement. You go fear now! I checked the babe out and shock seize me! My people I say shock seize me for throat! I don't want to offend anyone but if the next few sentence rub you the wrong way then na ur fault cos nobody force u 2 read blog. If the babe snags a rich, tall, independent, handsome man then the universe is doing partiality for Jennifer Aniston.

Sometimes you'll hear a woman say "I don't want a man who's too possessive and won't give me space to just be myself, have friends and be independent". Yet the same seemingly normal babes will turn out to be crazyass chicks who do autopsies on laptops and Blackberries just to find that which Facebook profiles you've had the audacity to look up. Have you ever seen a crazy chick in action b4? SHET! It's not a pretty sight. You know what's worse than crazyass chicks? Worwor chicks! Now Thats definitely not a pretty sight. You know what's worse than a Worwor chick? A Worwor chick who calls other people ugly. That, my people, is a new version of insanity where a person is afflicted with the killer 3hit combo of Worwor, self-deceit & the audacity to still open mouth and yarn nonsense. Situations and people like this should be a warning to all mankind that the end is definitely nigh and even if it is, their continued existence is only hastening Armageddons plans

Baffling it is, wen u hear a brokeass woman say she wants a rich man who can afford to buy them all the things they desire. Brokeass chick oh! The kind that has to hustle cab fair to go and visit the potential buyer of all the things she desires. The kind that walks around with an empty purse like a subliminal message to other prospective mugus to come, explore, spend & jonz. I'm talking about the big bad babes who'd rather leech off other people than organise what's left of their self-respect and make something of themselves. In the Hierarchy of Respect, we have The Independent Womam at the top and somewhere in the middle is the Humble Lady who's content with what she has. Then, at the bottom, after Crazyass hypocritical chicks and judgmental Worworass chicks, you'll find Brokeass chicks. Brokeass chicks who don't respect themselves embody the essence of humanities basic problem.......craze!

.......*wipes sweat* Now think happy thoghts

Hoe: A non-agricultural approach

2011-03-09T08:56:00.001-08:00

The following post may rub some of you the wrong way. As usual, spell-checking is for weaklings...

You may have come across the term "Hoe" at some point in your life. You may have heard it in a conversation, used it yourself to "compliment" someone or maybe even had the "honour" of being addressed as one before. Whichever way, it's undeniable that "Hoe" is a part of everyday life. Today, I simply wish to enlighten those who may be mystified by The Hoe. If you already grasp the concept of then this will simply supplement your knowledge. Either way, learning never stops. Today, we learn about The Hoe. Let's Begin

Concept

The origin of the Hoe, like the reason behind Kim Kardashian's fame, is shrouded in mystery. Some say it dates back as far as early 17th century while others say it may even be as old as Sean Connery himself (which is pretty dam old by the way. We may not be able to trace the origin of The Hoe but we can confidently say that like its track record with men/women, it's been around. What or Who is a Hoe then? "A Hoe is a gardening tool used for digging the earth". If you wanna get technical then you can also say "A Hoe is a man or woman who's been with more guys/girls than WAEC". A Hoe is a Slut. An Ashewo. A man-hoe. A pers0n who's decided that come rain or shine, everytime is shagging time (Choc City sign me up!). A hoe will hop on a penis or VJJ faster than you can say 'Osondi Owendi' backwards and if you are wondering if a hoe has self-respect or self-control, the answer is no! These things are foreign to a hoe; for Shame, a hoe has not. The concept of "The Hoe" basically revolves around the nuts of a man or the orifice of a woman. Now that we've elaborated on the concept of The Hoe. Let's move on....

Terms of Use

"Hoe" is usually used to describe a woman who's attained a well above average record in humping anything with 2 & a half legs or sliding into anything regularly willing enough to have bending over as a hobby. It should only be used to identify a woman who deserves the accolade simply because she's turned the space between her legs into a tool free parking zone. For a man to be a Hoe, he must have turned his penis into a VJJ tollgate (Figuratively ofcourse). So, Is "Hoe" an insult? Well that depends on the mentality of the man or woman. Some people strive towards Hoedom and if such a person is called a hoe, it's mission accomplished. Nowadays, Hoe is being used as a salutation, a compliment even. It's common to see girls addressing each other as hoes without ill intent or desire to insult. It's rare to see guys use it on each other outside the usual banter and joke-filled scenarios but it's still considered a misuse of the term. Like drugs, black magic & Soulja Boy, Hoe is a bad thing. It's not a compliment, nor is it praise. Give honour to whom honour is due and Hoedom to who Hoedom deserves.

Evolution & Conclusion

The Evolution of a Hoe is a concept not many researchers have bothered to investigate. It simply focuses on what a Hoe was, is, and will be. The evolution of a Hoe can be determined simply from the woma's track record. For example, that primary school classmate of yours who loved doing "Show me yours and I'll show you mine" during Break time, will probably be the same girl in Secondary school who discovers how many different ways a candle can "light up" her world. She'll probably also be the same one in Uni who's VJJ has more attendants than the library the day before vacation. A habit turns into a character and a character builds a lifestlye. In the end, Hoedom becomes a lifestyle and like Homoerectus became Homosapien, Hoe-trainee becomes Hoe-Director. Same thing for guys, a pervert can be a man-hoe but a man-hoe is not always a pervert. Man-hoes will usually try to conceal their dealings in order not to scare away propestive prey with a bad reputation. However, like fart in crowded elevator, a man-hoe's bad reputation will still spread. The Hoe has not evolved much over the years though, what has evolved are the instruments of Hoedom, a subject which will be discussed in a later post. In conclusion, Hoedom shares a symbiotic relationship with mankind and for as long as we have dick or VJJ (and some have both), Hoes will always exist to offer patronage.

Boobies, Bums and tingz!

2010-07-13T12:20:00.000-07:00

First of all, I'd like to say a very big thank you to everyone who voted for me in the Nigerian Blog awards. May God bless you like he blessed all the other blessed peeps that you knw are blessed. Thanks a lot! You are all far too kind.

Now, since we are on the topic of 'Blessedness', the title of dis post shud give you an idea of what I'm here to talk about. Today, it's about Boobies, Bums, and why we like them for no concrete reason. How do I knw there's no concrete reason? cos I'm a guy and I can confidently tell you that most of us don't have a concrete reason for liking them. Please do not over analyze this post. it is not a sexist write-up aimed at degrading women. It's just a typical comical take on the female anatomy. Simple! cos I knw sey some pple go wan form feminist campaign against me after reading this. All na joke oh!

BOOBIES

Yes, Boobies! The twin towers of Titty terrorism. The mega mountains of mammary magnificence! Why do men like Boobs? Why do some men appreciate a well boobified woman than a women whose chest lacks any form of plumpness? Simple! WE DON'T KNOW! Ask any guy "Dude, why do you like boobies?" and the guy will probably reply "....eerrrmmm....eeeee....they are big and soft". Most guys will even stop at the "eeerrrmm" and "eeee" part. I am a guy and like most guys I don't know why I and my fellow boobie magas like boobies. But this post is not about me, it is about the bigger picture here, the bigger picture which might not even be big enough for sum cup sizes lol. Okay okay enough boobie jokes, I am actually curious as it why men like boobies whether big or small. Why do we men enjoy a good stare, a firm grip or even...a mouthful lol. I've heard different explanations for this phenomenon and the one that made the most sense to me is "...we like boobs cos we dnt have dem" I have one argument regarding this explanation, Rick Ross, John Goodman and John Okafor all have boobs, does that mean I like them? HELL NO!!!!!!!!! Does dat mean you like them either? I seriously doubt it! Having boobs does not automatically mean appreciation from men so after months of dedicated research I have uncovered the most comprehensive and feasible explanation for why we love boobs...cos they nice like dat. Moving on....

BUMS

Bums are a very interesting part of the female anatomy because different races interpret their manifestation in different ways. For example, if a white guy sees the picture above, he'll probably say "Check out the hot a$$es mehn!". However, if a black man, like myself, sees 4 babes like the ones above, on the street, on the beach or in an episode of Spartacus, he'll probably say "These babes flat sha" lol. No offense to the ladies who don't have the figurative "junk" in their "trunks" but the average african man appreciates a heavily 'bootied' woman. I wanted to put a pic of both white and black bums to emphasize the example I just gave but googling "Black babes bums" in 2010 is just giving google a reason to slap you with porn. So what am I saying here? Men like bums and we don't know why! When a babe walks into a room, the process of male-appreciation starts at the face, works it's way down to her chest and then we wait for her to strike a pose or walk past us into a suitable angle where we can analyze her bum lol (btw I consider inner beauty too. Intelligence and all those other tings hehehe) The female anatomy is a wonderful thing to "research" and is filled with many unanswered questions. Why is is dat if a white babe has a big bootie she's called fat, but a black babe with said size of booty is considered hot? These are the questions I leave you to ponder as I enter the last paragraph in this post.

So, I've said boobie and bum more times in this post than in 3mins of a Vybz Kartel song. This post was initially aimed at providing answers to the questions I asked but as I typed along I realized I had no clue as to why men like boobs or bums. All I know is they are nice to look at and.....etc lol. If you have any answers for me, or know someone who has answers regarding the phenomenon of boobie and bum appreciate, please keep the info to yourself cos the mystery makes the whole process of appreciation even more interesting and satisfying lol. By my standards, this has to be the most explicit thing on my blog....hehehehe

Technology is evil

2010-06-25T17:34:00.001-07:00

(NB: This is a satirical post) Ladies and Gentlemen, I am posting today to bring an argument before you. I am here with one intention and it is to convince you that Technology is evil! It is the the spawn of malevolent minds and intentions. It is the bringer of sorrow and despair. It is the epitome of torment and torture. I won't be making such bold claims if I lacked the evidence to back them up so let me elaborate on why I think the world would have been better off without technology. I will focus on three minions of technology in my argument and they are: Television, Mobile Phones and The Internet. Let us begin

Television:

This is the oldest minion of technology among the three I just listed. It is the four-edged bringer of violence and immorality. Television has evolved from the black and white pictures which dazzled our fore-fathers to the HD ready televisions of today which are ever-ready to bring scenes of gore and kpanching to our very eyes in stunning high definition pictures. Some of you might be saying, "But Scribbles, wetin you dey yan sef? Television is a source of information and not all shows are violent and explicit" and your argument would be completely valid. However, television is not just a bearer of violence and immorality. It is also one of the major sources of depression anxiety, tension and heartache. For Example, where did we all see Sani Kaita show off his kung fu/match-selling skills? At the World Cup via the television. Where did we see Greece beat Nigeria 2-1 and consequently give Zeus and Hercules the right to call Amadioha and Sango their b#tches? On the television. Where did we first see Yakumumu Ayegbeni miss an open net from 3yrds? on the frigging television. I am sorry but despite bringing us Godly channels like TBN, informative channels like CNN and educational yet painfully boring channels like The History Channel, I think Television is a device concocted by diabolical minds to serve us an information-entertainment soft drink but then spike it with sorrow and torment with little ice cubes of kpannching and kpoxing. I am watching a television now and guess what's on? The England manager giving a press conference on England's exit from the World Cup and his future career as their manager. Isn't that just depressing? The man just got kicked out of the competition by a team who almost, if not actually, molested them on the field and you are making him give a press conference instead of getting him to a psychiatrist to make sure the whole ordeal didn't tamper with him mentally? That's just unfair and uncalled for but such is the habit of television. It never fails to milk embarrassment and humiliation out of it's victims and if you think that's a lie why don't you ask Tiger Woods or Umar Mutallab what it feels like to be breaking news.

Mobile Phones:

Take a look at the picture on the left. Take a good hard look at it. That my friends is the face of evil. There is a saying in the Scribble household: "Man wey carry mobile phone no know sey e dey give devil piggyback ride". Despite the questionable source of this saying, it cannot be ignored or denied that mobile phones are indeed the devils minions. Every feature of the average mobile phone has be designed diabolically to carry a facade of innovation but entrails of pure menace. Nowadays people can have sex via text which just undermines the whole point of kpanching which is 2 (or more) pple getting down and getting jiggy which each other while there's physical contact between them. The iPhone and BlackBerry are evil devices which don't need any more description than a prostitute with a tattoo on her forehead saying "I bang for bucks". Everything from BlackBerry messenger to the gazillion apps the iPhone offers points only in one direction, a total abandonment of self-reliance and a complete dependency on the mobile phone. Have you seen Lady Gaga and Beyonce's "Video phone" music video? You have? do I need to say anything more in this paragraph? I don't think so.

The Internet:

Oh my goodness! I had to clutch my bible in one hand and put rosary beads between my teeth before typing the name "Internet". Forget sey I dey use internet type this post, it is unfortunately a necessary evil. The Internet is the No1 source of evil and I can bet you that down there, in the bowels of hell, the devil has the best broadband and BIS the underworld has to offer. How else can he deploy his minions into Facebook? The same minions who send odd, annoying messages to people declaring their undying love and proposals of marriage. Where do you think all the wahala people on Twitter originate from? it is from the bowels of the devil's BIS. The internet may be a resource filled with immeasurable knowledge but it is also the home of such evils as Hi5 and MySpace. If you are still on Hi5 and MySpace I can give you the number of a very renowned exorcist who will force that ungodly spirit out of you and make you join Twitter. I am not saying Hi5 and MySpace are for devilish people, I'm just saying that it is like the Old testament and Twitter is the New Testament. Do you realize I haven't even talked about Pornography? I am have basically reached the end of this paragraph and I haven't even touched pornography or yahoo-yahoo sef. Somewhere in the world right now there is a little boy who is trying to do his English Language homework. The teacher asked the class to find the meaning of certain words and the innocent soul just googled the word "Analyse". He expected google to take his innocent search request and bring back the definition for his homework. Instead, what google brought back will shock the little boy and the picture he is now staring at will leave an imprint in the back of his mind like the imprint the kondo will leave while "Analysing".

My argument may be one-sided but it is expected since I am trying to drive home the fact that Technology is evil! Television, Mobile phones and the Internet are the bringers of despair and corruption and the sooner you toss your TV out the window, dunk your mobile phone in the toilet and toss you laptop into a river, the closer the world will be to sancticty. It starts with just one person. Someone has read this post, infact you have read this post and said to yourself "But Scribbles is right, technology is actually evil". To you, the one who has realised the truth in my words, I say GO FORTH AND RID THE WORLD OF TECHNOLOGY! Don't be afraid to stop someone on the street, grab their mobile phone and toss it into the nearest lake. Don't tremble when you send the £900 HD TV ur popsy just bought flying out the window. Do not fear for I am with you in sprit and I am only going to be with you in spirit cos if you actually do any of the things I just said you will be physically get the shit kicked out of you.

The Pastor, Scribbles & The Prophecy: Conclusion

2010-06-13T14:27:00.000-07:00

So, Pastor "Seer" said he'd had a vision and in the future I'd be gay. My reply was "o_O". In my head I was saying "Shey dis man dey mad? Me? Robert, Gay? How? From where?" He kept on repeating how accurate his visions have always been and he knew I'd be shocked but if I was willing to work closely with him he could help me prevent the vision from coming to pass. Sounds like the plot of a time travel movie right? I told him that there's no way I'd be gay in the future and since he's a seer he should be able to see my past and see that all my "relations" have always been with the opposite sex and in no way homosexual. I left his office confused and frightened to be honest. You might be asking yourself "how can you be frightened if u are a solid straight guy? If u don't have the tendencies you won't be scared". Remember, this Pastor has had quite a few fulfilled visions and he ran a church with members who'd testified of the authenticity of his gift. I was scared I swear, what he told me started messing with my head, I started asking myself "how is this even possible? Maybe it's true. No it can't be! U like women remember?" After a few days I started piecing together a few things that made me doubt the validity of his visions:

Firstly, we'd never seen his wife. He was a pastor who always talked about his wife but we'd never seen her. Most members had only heard about her and even Richard agreed that the wife of a man of God should at least be known by the congregation. Apparently, she lived in Nigeria and came into London once in a while to be with her husband. It was all a bit too dodgy.

Secondly, he told me not to tell anybody about the vision. Correct me if I'm wromg but aren't u supposed to share something of this magnitude with family at least? He told me not to tell anyone and it should be between the two of us.

I think these 2 things were what kept me from losing my mind. On one hand I had the vision with it's "geniune" source and on the other hand I had all these questions that just made me doubt everything about the man. I didn't tell anyone about the vision except my sister and she blantantly refuted it. She said she'd had her doubts about the man's gifts but didn't want to say anything about it. We kept on going to the church and after every service I'd dodge the Pastor and head home. Sometimes he'd call and ask me to come into his office for counseling and I'd find some excuse to cancel. I didn't care if he could "see" through my excuses with his gift because as far as I was concerned, something was just not right.

One saturday afternoon I went to see one of my uncle's, I spent the whole day at his place and when I decided to leave I told him I had to go because I wanted to go to bed early for church the next day. He asked what the name of my church was, I told him. He asked where is was, I told him. He told me the Pastor's name and asked if he was correct, I said he was. He asked me to go to church the next day and ask what the Pastor's wife's name was and when I find out I should come back and tell him. The next day I found out her name but forget to relay the information to my uncle. The following week my mum came to visit us from nigeria and during the weekend I followed her to visit my uncle. After they'd discussed a few family matters he asked me if I'd found out the Pastor's wife's name and when I told him he shook his head and started laughing.

According to my uncle, when he first came into london he had lived with the Pastor and his wife for a couple of years and been there when the man had started the church. A few months after the church started my uncle said the pastor's wife confronted the Pastor one evening with tears in her eyes and a box filled with gay porn in her hands. When my uncle said "gay porn" my jaw dropped and my mumsy, being the igbo woman that she is, screamed "TUFIAKWA!" and grabbed her chest. My uncle said that after his wife found the box of gay porn her and the pastor had a huge argument and he ended up sending her back to Nigeria. That explained why we never saw her in church and many people hadn't met her. My uncle said he'd live with them for a few more months after the incident before moving out and during the last few months he spent there he'd seen young boys come and go from the house but never asked any questions because he didn't want to cause any trouble. He said that what the pastor does is use some sort of Metaphysics to seemingly read people and tell them things about themselves that are sometimes true and most times false. Then he gets young boys, gives them money and busy them things in exchange for only God knows what. When he said "only God knows what" my brain interpreted it to "Romping shop inna d boys booty".

I never went to that church again, I actually told Richard about what my uncle had said but Richard chose to keep attending the church because, in his words, "It's not about the Pastor but what's in your heart". That one is his business though, I ran from that church like a Usain Bolt chasing a gold medal. No wonder the man had said I was going to be gay in the future, he was trying to prepare me for some romping lol. Anyways, I haven't seen or heard anything about the Seer Pastor since then. Richard still goes to the church and sometimes he tries to get me to come back. A suggestion that always gets the reply "Be like sey u dey mad!!!"

The Pastor, Scribbles & The Prophecy

2010-06-13T10:48:00.000-07:00

This is a post I've wanted to do for a very very long time but didn't think it was appropriate until now. It's about A Pastor and his "prophecy" about Sir Scribbles. Interested yet? I'm sure you already are:

This began sometime in march 2009. I and my Sister had been convinced by a family friend to join this church he'd been going to for about a year. We'd been searching for a suitable church for about 6months and this family friend, Richard, suggested we come to his, check it out and if we didn't like it we could just not come back the following sunday. We went to the church on one particular sunday and realised the only detail Richard left out when telling us about his church was The Pastor was a "Seer".

Basically, the man can tap into the spiritual realm and see things in your past, present & future. Imagine how shocked I was when, at the service, he asked newcomers to come to the front and after I came forward he touch my forehead and said "You are about to start a new phase in your life and you aren't sure if it's the right path for you". At the time I was just getting into my Masters programme and had a few doubts about what I was doing and where it'd lead me. After he said those words to me I immediately assumed he was a genuine pastor with a genuine gift from God. Me and my sister became regulars in the church, I joined the Car Park unit and helped out in the parking lot and my sister joined the Sanctuary unit which helped clean the church before and after service. We even brought my mum to the church and as skeptical as she is about unknown pastors and churches, she agreed that the Man, his gifts and his ministry were genuine. The Pastor started taking a liking to me and Richard. He'd tell us to come to his office on weekdays for counselling and prayers, he'd ask us if we needed anything and if we were alright financially and otherwise. If even talked to Richard about girls, sex and abstinence. I on the other hand liked to keep private stuff private and anytime he brought up the subject of women I'd just crack a joke and change the subject. I think my elusiveness of subject of a more "personal" nature made his interest in me and my life grow and soon enough Richard was no longer the focus of his "spiritual eye" because he'd set them on me.

Now I have to add that I was a tad bit tense anytime I was around this Pastor. He was a man with d gift of insight and as far as I knew, he was probably reading my thoughts and viewing my whole life as a movie playing in his head. I never lied to him because I thought he'd just see right through me and instead of lying I just dodged questions. When he asked me if I was a virgin I'd crack a joke. When he asked if I had a girlfriend I'd crack a joke. Everytime he tried squeezing info out of me I'd wiggle my way out and I think he got frustrated and decided it was time to take drastic measures to get to me. He appraoched me after service one sunday and told me he'd like to speak with me in private during the week. I told him I had school during the week and I'd only be free on Tuesday so we made an appointement for Tuesday evening and between Sunday and tuesday afternoon I kept asking myself "What in the world does this man want? Has he seen my death in the future? Abi he's seen me past indiscreations". Tuesday evening finally came and I went to see him and boy did this man shock me.

After a bit of small talk and irrelavant chatter he decided to get to the point. He looked me straight in the eye and said "Robert, I don't know how to tell you this but I have seen a vision and in the future you will be gay"

....To Be Continued

It's Summer people!!!!!

2010-05-21T01:50:00.000-07:00

Mehn! I haven't been here in ages!! It's not my fault though, blame it on a lack of internet connection. Remember I told you guys I was moving into a new place? well I ordered broadband for the new place and the company delivered it a month after I moved in. No vex, I didn't mean to abandon you. Forgiven? I hope so. Ok I am around now so you can now proceed to tear ya cloth and chop battery lol. A lot has happened since the last time I blogged and I don't even know if I should give you guys the whole gist now or just suspend this post, write a novel and make a movie about it all tomorrow. Trust me now, in 24hrs I will write a book and make a movie cos when I put my mind to something I accomplish it lol. Ok enough jibber jabber, I came here for a reason *scratches head*...I seem to have forgotten what that reason is actually...okay read this while I try to jog my memory.

IT'S SUMMER!!! Summer is here pple and you know what that means don't you? it's the only time pple can leave their houses half-naked without me chasing after them with a straightjacket. It's the only time ladies can wear tops that start at their shoulders and end at their nipples and the only people that'll raise an eyebrow are guys who wish they could just tear the whole thing off...or girls (it's 2010 & nothing is impossible). Then again, if you have boobs that look like a linen shirt after a rugby match and your shoulders look like they need shoulders of their own to support them then the raised eyebrows will be saying "Put sum clothes on Grandma! You are 92 not 29!" You know what's even more disturbing about summer? You get to see large bellied, flabby throated, hairy bare chested men walking around unconsciously begging you to scream "Put some frigging clothes on before you scorch my eyeballs!". Do you think I'm mean? I hope not because they are the mean one's! The people who make peacefully sitting on the bus impossible, the people who sit across from you on the train and because you don't want to stare and seem rude you have to either pretend to be checking imaginary missed calls on your phone or stare at sumthing, which has no attributes whatsoever that require a stare, through a window. This is a complaint ladies and gentlemen! This is me using this post as a medium to reach out to all of mankind with one simple request: If you see anyone who even remotely matches the people I've just described I want you to walk into the closest store, buy some clothes and hand it to them saying "Take this, it's my contribution to maintaining the sanity of humanity". Make sure you say it with as much dramatic effect as possible, say it like you are Optimus Prime or even better...say it like you are me.

I now remember why I came here in the first place, asides from cleaning the blog and paying my blog-rent, I came to wish you all a Happy Summer! This is the season when parents, who God has given the means, send their kids abroad on holiday. This is the season when schools give students the longest break and also the season responsible for some students flunking the following semester cos, in summary, they cudn't get themselves out of the enjoyment mode they were in during summer! Summer is a beautiful time to meet new people, make new friends & visit new places but with the kind of heat wey dey flog us here in Jand I'd rather sit half-naked in my living room and chew ice cubes. Have yourselves a lovely summer people and if you are in Jand and you see one tall Ibo boy chasing a half-naked granny with a straightjacket at least stop and say Hi...I don't bite.

Friends, Sex & tings

2010-03-23T07:26:00.000-07:00

It's the age old question peeps, Can a guy and a girl be friends without any sexual tension between them? Can a girl have a guy as a "BFF", as some would like to call it, without any underlying sexual intent? I think it's possible but rare. I think it's actually possible for a guy and girl to be really close friends without thinking about shagging each other. So why do I say it's rare then? Simple, cos Sex is everywhere? It's on TV, it's in games, newspapers and billboards. Sex is everywhere these days and you'd have to be either blind or one hell of a prude not to even have a glancing thought about it. I think it's harder for boys and girls to have that ultimate agape friendship these days because the only way you can escape all the subtle sexually suggestive devices in this world is to lock yourself in a cage buried 10ft in the ground. In my opinion, there are some factors that a totally sexless friendship are based one. It's either:

You've been friends since you were kids and you see each other like family. The mere thought of shagging each other feels like incest and makes you want to barf your entrails and hang yourself with a noose made from your own intestines

You look smoking hot and the other friend in question looks like calligraphy done by a drunk chicken. You love this friend to pieces but you can't imagine having anything sexual to do with them cos you've imagined what their face would look like if it was at the height of sexual pleasure and your imagination started to cry cos of what you saw.

You've known this friend for ages and you've seen him or her slip in and out of relationships like a loose condom on a wingwong. You have given this friend so much advice, comfort and criticism concerning boys/girls that you can't even imagine sleeping with them either because it would just make the whole friendship weird/hypocritical or because you think they've got some deadly STD.

These are just some of reasons I think a boy and girl can remain close friends, BFFs if you will, without any sexual tension between them. If you look at it from another angle, the reasons I gave can also pass for reasons why any one of the parties is always thinking about boning their close friend. You've been friends since childhood? I know a girl who almost got raped by her best friend. One of you is ugly as hell? All the more reason for the ugly one to consider rape. Been with too many people and you're not sure if it's a good idea? Yeah rite, cos rational thinking beats sex everything right? The truth is friendship is a risky business and underlying sexual tension is just one of the risks that come with the job. If you have a close friendship with someone that is completely devoid of sexual tension then brilliant. However, sexual tension between friends is not a bad thing and it only shows you both are human. How you handle that tension is what really matters.

Ps: I'm down with the flu and as usual it's reduced me to a misreable snivelling bag of phlegm.

Your hair has a name?!

2010-03-17T04:26:00.000-07:00

Wonders will never cease! I've heard a lot of interesting and shocking things in this life but the info. I stumbled upon a few nights ago was numbing simply cos it's something that's been all around me and I never noticed. This is the convo that initiated everything and it's between two members of my Twitfam on Twitter:

@tammywarmate to @MsItoro "omg i love ur hair! what is the name of ur weave??"

I was dumbstruck and thought it was a typo to be honest so I decided to clarify:

@Sir_Scribbles to @tammywarmate & @MsItoro "...they have names?"

The replies I got afterwards shocked me. Apparently women have names for their weaves?!! How is that even possible? I was numb I swear! I thought it was some sort of joke and was expecting someone to go "Psych! It's all Jokes Scribbles!". I decided to dig deeper into this weave naming conspiracy and I was hit with another bombshell. The weaves have codes...FRIGGIN CODES!!!!! I was told the codes were used to tell different colours apart and using my valuable sources and impressive analytical skills I gathered some of the names . Here they are with traditional Scribble-terpretations:

Wet & Wavy: I've seen women go mental when water touches their weave and I'm assuming the Wet & Wavy weave is water resistant or something. On the other hand, this just sounds like a sex position involving a water bed.

Beverly Johnson: Who is Beverly Johnson and why is a weave named after her? Have you heard of her before? Cos I haven't. Is it her hair that's being chopped off and glued/stitched together to make the weave? Someone please enlighten me! Tell me why this seemingly non-existent person has a weave named after her and Optimus Prime hasn't got a weave named after him?! If Beverly's got a weave then Optimus should as well.

American express: There's even a weave named after a credit card? Now I understand why the weaves have PIN codes. I can imagine a chick at a store paying for a pair of shoes by feeding her Black & Ox Blood mix weave into the card machine and entering 0350 as her PIN.

Ultra plus: This one sounds like a power-up move in Street fighter. Some female character in the game charges up, screams "Ultra plus!!!" and unleashes a special move where her weave starts hitting you with dandruff the size of golfballs. Instant KO!

Unique weave: I'm guessing the manufacturers realised the numerous "exciting" names that already existed and thought they'd keep it short and simple. Either that or they were just too friggin lazy to think for an outlandish name for their weave

Russian Virgin Remy hair: I understand why Remy decided to share his/her hair with the rest of the world, it's because he/she is a communist. He/she probably believes in the communist ideology and now practices it by allowing his/her hair to be distributed globally. Remy, communism is so 1917, quit with the follicle distribution and go get laid!

Darling Yaky: From what I heard this is a very razz weave and the "posh" ones among the female folk don't think it's any good. Why the hell is it called darling then? If you don't think it's a good or pretty weave then darling isn't the most appropriate term for addressing the weave now is it?. I suggest "Dreadful Yaky" "Gruesome Yaky" "Horrible Yaky" & "Ojuju Yaky".

There's no way I could have put up all the names I discovered and even as I was typing this more aspects of this hair naming conspiracy were being revealed to me. In addition to the hair names and colour codes there are also length codes?! My people I am weak! I say I don weak. I don't know whether to feel ignorant for not knowing or thankful that I don't have to memorise names, colour codes and length codes. Ladies, respect! Una dey try I swear!

Old loves & Hate...

2010-03-15T02:21:00.000-07:00

Seeing as I'm going back to my old loves I've decided to blog as often as an idea hits me. I was doing a little introspection a while back and realised I was tired of the Spoof Ads and the Celebrity blog brawls campaign. I can't explain it really but I feel it's time to rummage deeper into myself and blog about things that mean more to my readers than just a few laughs. The things is, no matter what I talk about there'll always be an element of humour in it because that is how I'm built. I'm not saying the old Sir Scribbles is obsolete and I'm not saying there's a new one either. See it as a remodelling process where I, Sir Scribbles, add and remove things that I consider necessities and excess respectively.

First order of business, I've changed my blog theme...again. Within the last 24hrs I've changed it about 10 times trying to find a new theme that fits the blog and me. I know some of you preferred the theme that had that kid with the headphones at the top but I needed to change the theme because it felt like I'd been wearing the same clothes for ages. I thought I'd found the perfect theme last night but I didn't like some of the feedback I got so I've chosen this one and it's probably the last one I'll try out so if you no like am you're going to have to deal with it because I no get energy to theme-hunt anymore. I say that with love though.

Speaking of love, is it alright to hate someone? I asked this question on Twitter and got some interesting responses. Some people thought it was okay to hate someone if the person did something heinous to you or your family while some thought hate only felt appropriate at that very moment when whatever had been done had the most effect. Someone also said that at that very moment when you feel hatred for someone it is not that person you hate but the situation. At the moment I am still trying to decipher that response. Finally, someone said hate was too strong a word and should be replaced with "Strong dislike" or "Loathe". What do you think? Is it okay to hate someone or is hate too strong to use on anyone? Cats hate dogs, Jews hated Hilter and Decepticons hate Autobots, are all of them wrong?

Back to old loves

2010-03-14T04:46:00.000-07:00

Wagwan peeps?! I know it's been a while and I sincerely apologise for the inconsistent updates. I've had a lot of things to deal with lately and blogging seemed more like a burden to me. However, in light of recent events I've decided to go back to the things I love, the things that made me happy and the things that compensated for all the nastiness planet earth has to offer. I'm close to a rant at the moment so I'll change the topic before I bore you.

I'm moving house Ladies and Gentlemen! I'm so excited and I keep daydreaming about how life in the new crib is going to be. Found a nice flat with my Sister in Essex and I couldn't believe how lucky we were to get such a nice flat in that area. Anyway, I just thought I'd let the blogfam know in case you want to pay a visit to Ol' Scribz. Please note that my cooking skills are abysmal so bring your own food and drinks sha! If you like pretend you didn't see the last sentence and come over empty handed, it's me and you that'll count the tiles on the kitchen floor until hunger kills you.

I'm officially a believer in Karma. Well not Karma in the religious sense but in theory. I use to think that if you did enough good it'd outweigh a bad thing that haunted you but that's not the way life works I guess. I've realised the authenticity in "You reap what you sow" and I've defintely reaped exactly what I sowed. The thing is, if you get a consequence for every action then mistakes become something you fear to make. I thought life was about making mistakes and learning from then? Isn't it? So why then those a mistake have to have a consequence that somehow feels unfair and irrational? It's probably because a mistake without consequence eliminates the ability to learn and grow. If we didn't get punished for bad decisions and unjust actions then we'd have no reason to fear repercussions. It's funny how I'm asking myself, and you, questions I already know the answers to right? You reap what you sow Ladies and Gentlemen and life is not the least bit lenient with that rule.

I really hope I can keep up with the updates now that I'm more organised and clear headed. Sometimes it's hard to believe that the people who smile and laugh all the time have issues of their own to deal with and sometimes constant outward joy sends a false message of perfection. I'm going back to my old loves people and I hope they take me back.

On an Aristo and Yahoo-Yahoo ting!

2010-02-25T04:54:00.000-08:00

Before I begin I'd like to state for the record that this post is based on a lot of feasible assumptions. I will not give you examples or cite people or places directly but I'm sure you'll find my assumptions quite realistic and maybe even true if you are or know someone who's in a similar situation.

On an Aristo, Aristos are basically people (usually girls) who 'get with' much older and financial buoyant people (usually men) and are repayed with material things. I think I got the defiinition about right. People have different and rather interesting views on Aristos, their circumstances and motives. I'm sure most Aristos will tell you that a hardship and unfavouring circumstances led them to lead such a life. The usual excuse, I assume, would be "I didn't have a choice". You know what's interesting about these excuses? Their the same one's Prostitutes and Stripper's use. For example: "I have a sick mother who needs to be taken care of", "I am trying to pay my way through school", "I was abused as a child and this is the only way I can deal with it". All these excuses support the grand motive that is "I didn't have a choice". However, we always have a choice in life. Choice is one of the perks that comes with free will and in my opinion the people who say they never had a choice are denying the idea of free will and, ultimately, the concept of being a human being. I understand maintaining values and morals can be hard when faced with hardship. Sometimes the hardest the decisions are the right ones and the consequence of doing the right thing seems to much to imagine or even accept. On the other hand, when you find yourself in those controversial grey areas that appear when everything that's black and white merge some questions must be asked, "Is it worth it?" "Is your soul worth more or less than material things". Aristos usually say they don't have a choice but it looks like they chose not to have a choice.

On a Yahoo-Yahoo ting, Yahoo-Yahoo boys/girls are people who swindle others for profit usually taking advantage or greed, naivety and ignorance. I'm also assuming this definition is spot on. Now Yahoo-Yahoo peeps, like the Aristos, feel they have a valid argument as well. Like I said before most of the things I'll say are based on assumptions and I'm assuming Yahoo-Yahoo peeps blame their choice in profession on hardship and unfavourable circumstances. "I don't have a choice" is what you'll hear from this camp as well and for some reason their argument makes sense. However, just because it makes sense doesn't make it right.

At this point I'm going to assume you have gotten the gist of this post? It's all about choice. In my opinion choice, sacrifice and reward are directly proportional. The tougher the choice, the greater the sacrifice which will lead to a greater reward. Maybe I can't really understand the circumstance surrounding people who say their only choice was to embrace the illicit and illegal but one thing I do understand is choice and free will. We all have it and every situation in life provides an avenue for you to exercise your free will and make a choice. Aristos and Yahoo-Yahoo peeps are not exempted. They claim they didn't have a choice but in reality choice is what led them to thelife they have now.

Sir Scribbles' Super Uber Mega Celebrity Blog Brawl #2

2010-02-21T04:27:00.000-08:00

The Celebrities are Brutal, the Commentary is unforgiven and the Rules are non-existent. Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to another episode of violent nonsensical outlandish fun! Our gladiators tonight are well known, famous and talented in their own way so without further ado let's bring them out!

ROLL CALL PEOPLE!!!!! He's Loud, he's rude and packs some heavy bass tunes! Ladies and Gentlemen...LIL JON!!!! "YEAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! LET'S GET CRUNK!!!"

And his opponent. An artist who claims he has more enemies after him than an Israelite crossing the red sea. He's the Ekperi Papa One of Bayelsa. TIMAYA!!!!!!!!! "Na Baba God send me! You cannt stop me!"

"Omo Nigga you cannot kill Timaya! Na Baba God send me do this work! If you block my way fire go burn you" Typical Timaya stuff, He opens with a classic threat. And they're off to a blistering start! Lil attacks first throwing a flurry of jabs at Timaya. The bayelsa man is caught totally by surprise but is quick enough to parry and duck. Lil jon isn't done yet, seems like he wants to end this quick. He steps back and palms Timya in d chest, Timaya doesn't budge. Lil jon palms him again. He doesn't budge. Timaya parries Lil Jon's third attempt, grabs his left arm while reaching into his pocket, pulls out a metal plantain and swings it into Lil Jon's throat. The attack stuns Lil jon and as he tries to wriggle free of Timaya's grasp the plantain boy proceeds to batter him. Lil Jon is taking a real beating now and it looks like Timaya is in total control of the battle. Lin jon drops to his knees as Timaya keeps landing hit after hit then suddenly Lil Jon produces a Pimp cup from nowhere and whacks Timata in the nuts. "YEAH!!!!" He screams as Timaya releases his arm and recoils clutching is 'nutella' area in pain."WHAT YOU GOING TO DO PLAYER?" Timaya drops to d ground still clutching his crotch and tapping is foot on the floor. "YEAH PLAYER DIS IS HOW WE DO IT IN THE A'". Timaya seems to have recovered now and tries to get to his feet but what's this? Timaya reaches into his pants and pulls out a cutlass! Is there no end to d wonders of his pants? He swings the cutlass at Lil jon who jumps back to avoid the swipe. Timaya swings it again and this time Lil jon blocks the attack with his pimp cup. The clanging of cutlass and pimp cup is deafening and Timaya seems to be getting d upper hand. Lil jon blocks another attack, scurries back, takes a deep breath and let's out a devastating scream. The force of d scream pushes Timaya back, Lil jon inhales again and let's out an even more devastating scream which fractures the ground and pushes timaya back even further. "THIS IS IT PLAYA!!" He screams, "LET'S GET IT CRUUUUNK!!!" immediately his pimp cup is filled with crunk juice, he gulps it down, snaps his fingers and spits a massive ball of fire on Timaya. Timaya is engulfed immediately, surely this is the end! Timaya's clothes are reduced to ashes as the violent flames scorch the Bayelsa man. "I am timaya..." He says "I dey hot like a fire..." the d blazing flames disappear. "Na me be the Ekeri papa 1 of Bayelsa" he says as he gets to his feet "WHAT?!!!" Screams Lil jon "I dey blow like a bazooka!!!" The pimp cup explodes in Lil jon's hand. The blast severs Lil Jon's arm and he screams in pain. "Dem mama no fit stop me, dem papa no fit stop me, whether u like am or you no like am TIMAYA don blow!!!" The ground around Lil Jon explodes and he's knocked several feet into d air. "U no fit stop me. I be Timaya! I dey strike like a thunder!!!" A bolt of lightning strikes Lil Jon in d air and seconds later a lifeless body falls to the ground. The blackened corpse is enough evidence Ladies and Gentlemen,TIMAYA IS OUR WINNER!!!

What a cracking fight Ladies and Gentlemen! Join us next week as another pair of Celebrities battle it out in Sir Scribbles Super Uber Mega Celebrity Blog Brawl!!!!

It hasn't been that long has it?

2010-02-16T14:23:00.000-08:00

SHET! E don tey oh! I haven't been here in a while. Just looked at my calendar and realised I hadn't been here in a long while. Shameful? yes! Disappointing? I know! Got an excuse? Yes I do and it's called school. Yes I am a student, again, and for those of you who's jaws just dropped to the floor you can like to pick them up cos your eyes rnt deceiving you. I'm back in geek mode and loving it mehn! Na so so book man pikin dey read sha! . Tbh the postgraduate diploma I just completed was a waste of my energy but I guess God has a reason for not divinly smacking bad ideas out of our heads when they first hit us lol. I stumbled upon a very interesting project for my Masters and hopefully it'll lead to a lot of open doors for me. Enough with all this serious talk. Make I gist you.

Being a Nigerian these days his hard oh! We should get paid minimum wage at least for all the stress we have to put up with recently. Look left at Aso rock and spirits have kidnapped our President. Look right at international airports and we are suspected terrorists. Look Up in Jos and your head will be chopped off and when you look down your head has to stay there because everything else is shamelful. Forget all these "Flygerian" and "Proud to be Nigerian" propaganda for a bit. WAHALA DEY! Whether u accept it or not wahala dey! Even pple who aren't nigerians know there's wahala so why pple dey act like sey everything dey alright? Some pple say that I shouldn't complain if I don't have solutions. So if I dnt have a solution I shud shut my mouth shey? If you are walking on the street and you see dog poo wnt u say "phmnnn! See shit" before you think about packing it. (btw if you think about packing random dog poo on the street then ur own wahala is a different brand). All I'm saying is WAHALA DEY! I'm proud to be Nigerian and that's why I'm shouting WAHALA DEY! Moving on...

If you aren't into football please skip this paragraph. Thanks. If you are reading this then you must have an interest in the beautiful sport. If you are not a Manchester United Fan this is you bus stop as well. Are all the haters gone now? good! MAN UTD Kwenu! Anyone catch the AC Milan v Man Utd game? Ronaldinho was behaving like a pant shey? Thot he cud harass our boys but we showed dem!!!! Rooney is really impressing me and our victories over Man City, Arsenal and now Milan have brought a wide and bright smile to my already awesome face lol. (No jealous me pls and if u dey jealous me u can like to hump a blender). I know some haters still read the paragraph up until this point and might even go as far as dropping a derogatory comment but for every hater comment against Man Utd Rooney will bang in a goal so please feel free to express yourself lol.

Is it wrong to call people ugly? I've been debating this with a friend, hobblescotch, and we still can't come to an agreement. I think it's wrong to call people ugly but then again shudn't ugliness be treated the same as beauty. If you see a beautiful person you'll say "Hey, that's a beautiful person" so why shud it be wrong to also say "Wow, that's one ugly somborri"? Maybe it's because we aren't really supposed to say things about people that will hurt their feelings but in theory a beautiful person should get compliments and an "ugly" person shud get...consolation. I know it's a touchy issue and tbh I dnt think "Ugly" people shud be called out until they look for your trouble in an area related to appearance. See it this way, if I have a blackberry and you have a 3310 and you say d internet on my phone is slow I have the right to crack your skull with the crackberry. PEACE OUT!

Have you met?

2010-01-23T03:54:00.000-08:00

Did you like the last post? Well I know it didn't appeal to everyone but it was in my head and as usual whatever's in there gets thrown in here. Anyway hope y'all liked it?. Moving on, what do I talk about today? Women? School? Work? Ah Yes! I think I'll gist you about my intolerance for lactose. You want to hear about that? Ofcourse you do! No wait...chill...I think I'll gist you that some other time. I have suddenly decided that today you will meet Cynthia. Story, Story...

I was young, innocent and naive and had let myself fall into the typical boy-crush. Mehn I had a major crush on this girl sha no be small! It started the first day I saw her, I was a few months away from taking the entrance exam for Uni and had signed up for some extra-curricular lessons to get me warmed up for exam. The first day I walked into that class I spotted her, tall, slender and a killer smile to boot. The babe was fine! Fine like her face was made of glass and a smile was the reflection of sunlight. I weak! My people I say body weak me! You see I went to an all boys boarding school so you can imagine how the hormones wey messing wiv me after graduation. Anything in a skirt was a potential 'mate' and it's like I said earlier I was young and naive. Did I say Innocent as well? Scratch that one!

It took me about 2 weeks to talk to this babe seeing as every other Maga in the class was drooling over her. That day she sat beside me during a maths class and asked me to explain surds to her. NO DULLIN! Sharply I capitalized on the opportunity even though I couldn't get her to understand surds I sha collected her number...her number people her number!! Maybe I forgot to mention how much of a geek I was back then but that was the first time I'd ever gotten a girl's number and that's cos that was the first tie I'd ever asked for it. Why are you shocked? My fren close ur mouth and let me continue my story pls. Collecting her number was a personal milestone for me but that my friends was the beginning of my wahala. You see Cynthia was a "special" kind of girl. She was tall, pretty and in summary built like a model but she was also very very very clingy...add 5 more 'verys' to that sef. From that day onwards she'd sit with me in class, have lunch with me, sit with me in class again and then walk me home afterwards. To be honest I liked the attention but I wished I was the one doing the chasing. Men like to be chased but we don't like to be hunted and Cynthia was a one-woman manhunt.

The week for the entrance exam had finally arrived and we'd travelled by air a few days earlier just to settle in a bit before the exam day. As expected Cynthia sat beside me on the plane and just before take-off she grabbed my hand and said "I'm afraid of flying Robert. You don't mind holding my hand while we're airborne do you?" I said yes without thinking twice mehn hehehehe! If na you wetin u go talk? We all lodged in a motel and as you'd expect people were going wild. It was an alchohol and sex galore and even though I didn't drink or Kkpansh watching people get smashed as hell at night and hearing the resulting scandalous stories the next day was enough entertainment for me. Cynthia and I were quickly becoming an unoffcial item and one day we'd decided to have lunch together, she asked me to come meet her in her room at 3pm so we'd head out from there and at 3pm I was knocking on her day. Knocked once, knocked twice, door opened and there she was...naked!

Sir Scribbles' Super Uber Mega Celebrity Blog Brawl

2010-01-21T07:16:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to...

Sir Scribbles'

"SUPER UBER MEGA CELEBRITY BLOG BRAWL!"

The Celebrities are Brutal, the Commentary is unforgiven and the Rules are non-existent. This is our first episode so we're going to give you a quik run-through of what you're to expect. We're all about fun and violence and what's more fun than seeing wonderful celebrities tear each other apart in the most hilarious and unreal ways! Ok let's get right into the head-bashing bone-breaking feast on the menu.

From the Okpokwu local government area we bring you a celebrity who's got more babies than Ladies and Gentlemen 2FACE!!!!! "One love my people! 2Baba don enter the place"

And his opponent, from Young money records, a rising star who looks as hot as her lyrics and packs a booty that any Pirate would want to get his hands on. Put your hands together for NICKI MINAJ!!!!! "Yo yo yo! It's the Harajuku Barbie bitches!!! number sign!!

LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!!!!!!!

2face is just sizing Nicki up now. Seems like his trying to pick the best strategy to approach the Buxom Vixen. To be honest her figure is quite intimidating, those thighs would make any man think twice. Nicki wants 2face to make the first move, she looks calm and collected and I'm sure 2face knows he can't attack without careful consideration. 2face feints a right jab, Nicki flinces, he feints a left jab, Nicki ducks and 2face sees and opening, he connects a vicious round-house kick to Nicki's jaw and the African/Trinidadian/Indo-Asian recoils with a moan. 2face dashes towards her before she has time to recover and throws a careless right hook, Nicki parries it and unleashes a 3-punch combo on his face leaving 2face wiv a busted lip and a large bump on his right cheek. 2face steps back but Nicki isn't done with him yet. As the nigerian steadies himslef Nicki reaches into her cleavage and pulls out a large CD pouch. She screams "Harajuku technique Mixtape-shuriken" and immediately the pouch opens up and all the CDs inside hurl themselves at 2face. He tries to dodge the salvo of CDs but he isn't fast enough and gets caught in the knee. The singer drops to the floor clucthing his bleeding knee and Nicki goes in for the kill. "Oh you sleeping on me nigga? U think it's slumber time? Imma put you out of your misery. Harajuku technique Barbie-bitch-battalion!!!" Her jeans rip at the sides and her thighs begin to pulsate. Suddenly her thighs burst open and little harajuku barbie creatures pour out of it in their hundreds. The battalion of barbies lunge at 2face heaping themselves on him while constantly chanting the words "Itty bitty piggy. Itty bitty piggy. Itty bitty piggy" As 2face is slowly swallowed in the heap of barbies he screams "NOTHING DEY HAPPEN!!" and the barbie battalion's rhythmic chants cease. One by one they begin to writhe and moan and all of a sudden protrusions appear on their bellies. In a matter of seconds he managed to impregnate the whole Barbie-Bitch-battalion and as each barbie's belly enlarges Nicki screams in pain. Nicki is bleeding through her nose now and 2face slowly gets to his feet, pulls a replica of his MTV award from his pants and hobbles over to Nicki wiv one hand still clutching his bleeding knee. As he poises to deliver the final blow she pulls out a condom from her butt crack and hurls it at his face. As soon as the condom touches his face it catches fire and 2face lets out a deafening scream while trying to get it off, the fire envelopes his face and he drops to the flow squirming. As his head is slowly reduced to a small heap of ash his body stills and a few moments later the only sign that the body on the floor was ever living is a lump in its crotch area which seems to not be shrinking even though the body is lifeless. KO Ladies and Gentlemen! NICKI MINAJ IS OUR WINNER TONIGHT!!!

What a cracking opening battle folks. Nicki Minaj obviously did her homework before the battle tonight and capitalised on her opponent's only weakness. Join us again next time as another pair of celebrities go head-to-head in Sir Scribbles' "Super Uber Mega Celebrity Blog Brawl"

That's what I think sha...

2010-01-18T07:11:00.000-08:00

CHEI! It's been a while sha! If you cross reference the dates between this post and my last post and then compare the values with the factorised sum of the intervals between my posts 3 months ago and then relate your results to the exact moment I started blogging then you realised that the coefficient of 10SINZU is how many days it's been since my last post. YES! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I JUST TYPED! lol. Le tė shkojnė atje!! (Albanian for "Let's go there")

There should be a public holiday dedicated to the men who risk their lives everyday in the ruthless jungle called dating with nothing to defend themselves except cheesy pickup lines and cliches. Don't you just think it's rather brave of a young man too walk up to you, a babe of evident class, and say something like 'Nice legs baby, what time do they open?'. What I always wonder about is the state of mind of a guy who thinks "Your dad must be a baker cos I love ur buns" is an appropriate way of potraying yourself as an eligible suitor. I think I've told you, my lovely wonderful beautiful readers (make ur head no swell sha), that I detest pickup lines especially since a creative one today is tomorrow's cliche. Let's just say I prefer a less 'mechanical' approach to starting a conversation with a young woman. I'm not saying pickup lines are bad oh! I'm not saying they shud be abolished and anyone caught using a pickup line shud be executed by firing squad, dats not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is there shud be an organised body established with the sole aim of regulating the creation, use and expiration of pickup lines. Anyone who invents one without getting it verified, uses one without the right authorization or after it's expiration date shud then be sent to the gallows. That's all I'm saying. That's not so bad is it? it's a gud idea no? at least Magas will stop approaching and talking rubbish to you ladies and we men will raise our game a bit...not that I need to anyways *wink wink*

I keep saying that I don't think there will ever be any publication that accurately defines, precisely elaborates and utterly summarises the relationship between Men and Women. Now remember we are excluding holy books here cos I don't want any divine wahala on my hands. I have realised that no matter how big the book is, how extensive the research was or how much time was invested in study you will always find one person who will prove any existing theory, suggestions or laws concerning relationship wrong. Opposites don't always attract, Long distance relationships do work and age really is just a number when you see it from people's perspectives. All I'm saying is don't be stereotypical when analysing your life or the life or others. Thinking outside the box usually shows you how small the box really is. I dey form relationship analyst shey? dnt mind me oh! Wat do I know? I'm just saying what I feel as usual and if you agree or object then there's a very big box provided for you below to make it known. PEACE!

We begin scribbling for 2010...

2010-01-08T20:05:00.000-08:00

WAAAIT! Before you even conclude that I have left just hold it! Yes, I considered leaving, I thogth about quitting blogging and callind an end to the blogging edifice that is The Royal Scribbles...for about 5 mins lol! Did you really think I'd leave you liek dat? If was to leave blogsville where I go kon go? Where else will my insanity be considered creativity and my sillyness be seen as addictive humour? I haven't blogged this year simply cos I hadn't found d right trigger for 2010. I'm definitely not losing my mojo! I just wanted to start 2010 in a new yet traditional way and needed to find my sweet spot for this year. What do u look for when you come here, thought provoking satires, mind boggling wit, bewildering creativity and the occasional rant about some girl who is vexing me shey? Ladies and Gentlemen we commence 2010 in d same fashion...make I gist you something.

I was jejely on my own oh! you know I dnt look for trouble naw? I was walking thru d shopping mall yesterday minding my own business when some random stranger (obviously all strangers r random wth am i saying?) just walks up to me and tells me I'm looking gud. If to say na woman I 4 no worry but it was a guy....see me see wahala o! I didn't even know whether to take it as a compliment or see it as a source of concern. I thanked the guy and walked away facing him cos I didn't want him staring at my posterior ('butt' to you laymen). Now why was I concerned? I'm assuming the guy was gay cos the way he stopped me to compliment me is d same way I, an astute heterosexual, would stop a girl nd compliment her too (practical still pending). Did his compliment mean I was looking gud in general and would also be found attractive by the female folk of like sexuality or did he mean I looked gud such dat only members of the gay community would find me 'interesting'? You see the dilemma dat morrasucker brought upon me in d middle of my stern window-shopping? I went out to stare at stuff I can't afford and came back query every outfit in my closet. I shud start wearing darker colours mehn...

Sexual innuendos are everywhere these days. It's like d world has just gone sex crazy and it's alright to advertise a burger as if it's a new item on the Karma sutra menu. You can't listen to 3 songs today without coming across one with cleverly yet somewhat overtly embedded innuendos. The thing about sexual inferences in songs is dat you can never win. If you don't identify them someone else will and point them out to you, in that moment when you are enlightened you also feel ignorance tapping you on d shoulder thanking you for letting him sleepover. However, if you do identify the innuendos single-handedly then you simply credit you mind with 5 more naughty points and hence feel more perverted than you were before you hit the play button. I'm now bordering on paranoia when it comes to analysing songs, I tear lyrics apart just to be sure I'm not singing along to something that indirectly instructs the nearest female to slobber my 'nether' regions. Very soon I'll resort to listening to silence but wiv d way d world is going I'm sure Def Jam will find a way to pollute silence as well.

Ah! dis feels gud! How could I ever think of leaving? Btw r u on Twitter? U rnt? why? is ur computer allergic? r u lucid? why rnt you on twitter? my fren pack ur load nd get to tweeting mehn! Dnt worry if u sign up nd u don't understand it immediately, it's natural and you can't be like me so give yourself time to get the hang of it. As for those of you on twitter hope you are following me? I dnt mean literally following me cos if u walk behind me for more than 10 secs ur gonna be receivng my size 12s in a less than receptive area. My twitfam (twitter family to u laymen) are awesome and that's cos they r all mad nd I say dat wiv love lol. much luv to d Twitfam...#youwerecooluntil you joined twitter and followed me, now u r cooler lol.

Scribbles signing out for 2009...

2009-12-30T19:25:00.000-08:00

2009 don end shaaaa! Like play like play 2009 is merely hours from ending and Sir Scribbles II has a wheelbarrow's worth of things to be thankful for in 2009. I think what I'm most thankful for is Blogsville, Una too much sha! I cnt even begin to detail how much I've been blessed by you guys I swear! From people I've met to lessons I've learnt, e too much to write for one post! Thanks...that's all I can say...Thank you! Anyways I just wanted to do a recap of stuff dat happened as the year was drawing to a close...enjoy peeps

Na the silent ones dangerous pass mehn! Who'd have thought Tiger Woods would be putting balls in different holes on and off the golf course? If Tiger could do it who am I? Oga was a role model to many and look how he just threw it all away in d laps of a woman..sorry...many women! I still can't believe oga had like 15 mistresses shaaaa! Well he just proved dat truely body no be wood, he simply took his tiger and decided to enter any and all woods he came across...Big ups to you Tiger! Let's see how u come back from this one.

Too many people died in 2009. I dnt want to talk too much on dis cos e go dull d mood but peeps shud please be careful next year cos we lost too many good folks in 2009. I don talk my own sha, in 2010 I'm going to be extra careful and very safety conscious because you never know where or when the Grim reaper go wan play expensive joke. In 2010 I go dey wear helmet butter bread sef.

He's probably the only terrorist who had to repeat playgroup in Suicide bombing school. I'm soooo tempted to go crazy in dis paragraph nd give u an overdose of quips on dis guy but na very serious issue so I'll behave myself. Mutallab messed up shaaaa! D guy fall naija hand on a global scale and even though naija does dat on a normal day I dnt think we need any assistance from terrorists whether d one's wey sabi explode or the one's wey no sabi. However, it does raise some very important questions don't you think? how did he get past the 'omniscient' entity that is Airport security? How did he smuggle a syringe past that uber cool xray machine thingy? Apparently oga's popsy reported him to the authorities and they didn't take him seriously, isn't dat just crazy? How can someone's popsy tell you that his son is a radical and might be a threat to the lives of others and you just file his name under 'Pikin of paranoid papa'? I tire sha, dis is one issue I think will have cause a chain reaction nd not d good kind. Make we dey watch as e dey happen.

I'm tired og yanning joh! Wishing all d lovely folks a wonderful year ahead and that goes out to all of you cos all of you are lovely. Just so this doesn't catch you unaware I might stop blogging...not confirmed yet but I'm thinking about it nd just thot I'd tell you. Happy New year peeps! PEACE OUT!

Spoof Ad #5

2009-12-19T16:09:00.000-08:00

Are you scared of humiliation? Do you hate awkwardness and loathe mortification? If you've answered yes to any of these questions then you know how it feels to be powerless when caught unaware in a less than admirable position. Man has always found a way to solve problems that have faced his society and has done remarkably well in eliminating or curbing the negative effects of such problems but some things just can't be solved, things like embarrassment! According to statitics, embarrassment is the world's most deadly consequence of awkward situatons (Statics unverified) and no one has ever thought to address this issue...until now! Scribble corp. has made another breakthrough discovery just like RAZZ-BE-GONE and VIRTUAL MAMA 2000. Ladies and Gentlemen I give you...

THE TRANSMUGULATOR

The name says it all, THE TRANSMUGULATOR is an anonymous and fast way to transfer a potentially embarrassing position from yourself to someone else making that unsuspecting receipient your Mugu. As is every Scribbles corp. product the Transmugulator is safe and easy to use but we'd rather you hear what a patron had to say about this wonderful product. Here's a testimony from a very staisified customer. (Names and places have been changed to protect the identity of this consumer)

"My name is Sandra Bamboye and I use to be the Vice Principal of Atutupoyoyo Grammar School. A friend of mine got me the Transmugulator as a birthday present and made me promise to carry it on me everyday, I didn't see the point then but I indulged her nontheless. During a PTA meeting a few weeks later I was delivering the term update to parents and teachers alike when I was suddenly arrested by a fart. This wasn't the silent twitch-your-butt cheek and release fart, this was the loud kind and I knew it was because when the fart got to the rim of my rectum the muscles in my waist contracted and I had to clench my butt cheeks to keep this monstrosity of a fart from escaping. Then I remembered the Transmugulator my friend got me, I reached into my pocket calmly, pictured the person I wanted to transfer the fart to in my mind and squeezed the Transmugulator. Instantly I felt relieved and almost immediately the Principal let out a resounding fart. Today, I am the Prinicipal of Atutupoyoyo Grammar School and I owe it all to the Transmugulator. I highly recommend this product to everyone and hope it blesses you as much as it blessed me"

Don't let embarrassment stop you from achieving your goals, Don't be a Mugu when someone else can be a Mugu for you. Place your order now and the first 10 customers to order will receive a priceless 'Marko Blake Parker Pen'. Don't let fate and luck run your life, seize control and never be a mugu again with the TRANSMUGULATOR!!!!!!!!!

THE TRANSMUGULATOR
Why be a Mugu when someone else can do it for you?

DISCLAIMER: Use of the Transmugulator is completely under Consumer discretion and Scribble corp. will not accept responsibility for transfers leading to loss of Life, Money or any other form of property especially over the internet. The Marko Blake Parker Pen comes without Ink. Minor Side effects like irregular bowel movement, tiny cranial fractures and cardio-jerks may be exprienced. Enjoy!

My mum was a superhero

2009-12-18T03:37:00.000-08:00

Anyways your favourite Igbo boy was revisiting his childhood a couple days back and if you aren't familiar with my antics as a child then I'll just give you a summary right now, I was a handful! If my popsy had gotten a receipt for me when I was born he'd have returned me at the age of 6! Ok I kid I kid but I was a nutter as a child. My curiousity sent me to places that only an ass whooping would keep me away from in the future. No points for guessing who dished out the regular whooping needed to keep me in line, Mama Scribbles! She was one of those Mums that as a child you could swear on your Power Rangers lunchbox that she had superpowers. As a growing pikin I believed my mum had three powers, Heat Vision, Superspeed and Telepathy and I'll tell you why.

Mumsy definitely had heat vision, that one na konfirmed gist! It manifested as microwaves that shot out of eyes and enveloped you in utter chatisement. My mumsy could glare at you from across the room and you'd immediately feel like your body was on fire, you'd start to twitch uncontrollably, you'd get sweaty and sometimes you'd just feel like the whole room was on fire! Sometimes she wouldn't even take up a cane and whoop me, all she needed to do was stare at me with her heat vision and I'd immediately feel like I was being flogged with a bamboo stick that'd been spiced with pepper and garnished with tough love. She still has the heat vision sha and it's even more powerful now cos she can send it all the way from naija and I'd feel it anyway in the world via sms, email or voicecall.

Mumsy had superspeed, her reflexes were amazing and if Spiderman thinks he's got skills cos he swings from buildings and somersaults off rooftops then he hasn't seen my mum take off a shoe, fling it as a door knob to lock the door, do a backflip and catch the shoe as it ricocheted back off the door and smack your 4yr old right ass cheek all before Terry G can say 'Free me now!' You know how you go shoping with your mum or dad in a supermarket and as they're pushing the shopping cart across the aisle you throw stuff into the cart? Well my mum made us understand that the only thing that should ever be in the shopping cart were things she put there herself. One day I tried to toss a can of Pringles into the cart and I can swear she caught it in mid-air cos the before I knew it she'd snatched it, whacked me on the head with it and placed it back on the shelf, it was a rebound even Kobe Bryant would envy. Till Today if I see Pringles in a supermarket I feel a subtle bump on my head.

Finally, mumsy was a telepath and for those of you who are running to google it simply means she could communicate with our minds without the use of speech, writing, signs or symbols. Sometimes you'll think you've beaten her and kept something from her only to be ambushed on your bed in the middle of the night and have a confession whooped out of you. When a crime was committed in the Scribbles household she always knew the culprit. Like the time someone broke the windshield of Dad's car, or the time someone left the tap on and flooded the bathroom, or the time someone singed the carpet with a pressing iron cos they'd left it on and gone to play football....if you haven't already guessed it the culprit was always me me me!

Ps: My Bday is 2moro, the 19th...it'll probably be a quiet one :)

From my playlist...

2009-12-08T07:59:00.000-08:00

If for any reason you read the previous post and thot to yourself "hmmm that's actually a possibilty' I'd like to have you as a roommate when I get my padded cell lol. Have you heard Charlie boy's new single? It's called 'Commercial waist' and as you may already guessed I have a comment on the tune hehehehe. Part of the chorus goes 'This one na commercial waist, this kin wasit no dey lacky o, na everything man dey find o...". Ok as usual I require you to keep an open mind here cosvour expert analysts here at The Royal Scribbles have concluded that Charlie boy deals in human parts lol. Let me prove it to you. According to Microsoft Encarta the term 'Commercial' relates to commerce which involves the buying and selling of goods and services. Now by attaching this term to a body part as Charlie boy has done as well as cross-referencing our findings with the release date of the video I can only conclude that this christman period Charlie boy will be doing a sale of female waists lol. Replace 'Commercial waist' in the chorus wiv another commodity, let's use 'Air force ones'. "This one na Air force ones, this kin Air force one no dey lack o, na everything man dey find o..." doesn't that sound like something a shop keeper will be screaming at you in alaba market? With these few points of mine I hope I have been able to convince and not confuse you that Charlie Boy will be handing out discount vouchers on thighs and armpits in the near future.

For those of you how are part of my wonderful Twitfam you will have noticed I have taken a certain liking to this mad man you see preceding this paragraph lol. He is mad shey? I KNOW! The man is a nutcase and his video 'Free madness' is more than a subtle sign of his craze! I think I knwo why he's so hyper, he brushes his teeth with Redbull or maybe he shampoos his hair with Suya pepper, or maybe as a child he was dropped on his head..onto a live wire. Wateva assumption you make about Terry G's behaviour it still points to the fact that the man is mental...but I DEY FEEL THE GUY JAMZ!!!!!!!!!!!! I won't lie to you sha, I've listened to that Free madness song loads of times...evevn listening to it now hehehehe lol.

Finally I'll talk about another favourite song of mine and it's a fav song not cos I like it but cos the lyrics crack me up big time. Sound Sultan's 'Bushmeat'. I'll go straight to the point with this one, the chorus goes "One day Bushmeat go catch the hunter (x3), catch the hunter. catch the hunter eeeee". I can't help but imagine driving from Abuja to Enugu and then just after 9th mile I see a the figure of a man hanging from a piece of rope and then Bushmeat standing beside him wiv a sign dat reads 'Freshly caught Hunter for sale'. Btw can someone please let me know when Jim Iyke finally figures out who he really is? from his song 'Who am I' I deduced he'd been struck with some degree of amnesia cos he called himself a street corner among other things lol. Maybe I shud help with his rehabilitation..."Jim, you are a tellytubby, but not just any tellytubby, you are a tellytubby who's a sex offender as well" lol I'm mean shey?

The Bermuda Triangle

2009-12-07T05:45:00.000-08:00

Have you heard of the Bermuda triangle? The Bermuda Triangle, also known as the Devil's Triangle, is a region in the western part of the North Atlantic ocean in which a number of aircraft and surface vessels are alleged to have mysteriously disappeared in a manner that cannot be explained by human error, piracy, equipment failure or natural disasters. Popular culture has attributed these disappearances to the paranormal, a suspension of the laws of physics, or activity by exraterrestrial beings. I have come to a very shocking yet insightful conclusion within the past few days and it explains a lot of things in my life. I have concluded that all the sock(s), pens, pencils, pencil sharpers, crayons, keys, coins, sim cards, remote controls that have ever vanished mysterioulsy in my life somehow found their way to the bermuda triangle. No laugh, dis na serious problem I swear! How many times have you wanted to go out and looked for a pair of socks only to find one sock? as if the other sock said "Omo dis job 'socks', I quit" lol. And I'm sure you have lost pens, pencils and sim cards b4 shey? You know what trips me? When I leave the house I know I dnt have a pen on me but when someone asks me for a pen outside I start to frisk myself like olokpa trying to find a pen I know I dnt have on me. Seriously think about it, where do all these items go? I believe there's a big container in the bermuda triangle labelled 'Property of Sir Scribbles II' and in that container you will find all my missing crayons 4rm primary 1-4, about 68 different single socks, 2 of my Econet (now zain) sim cards, 2 unused condoms and possibly my Gameboy advance. I just have one request for the Aliens who have been stealing my stuff and stashing it in the bermuda triangle, you can have the socks, take the Sim cards and keep the condoms, just give me back my Gameboy please....ok nd the condoms too lol.

Sunday evening with Kate

2009-12-06T08:48:00.001-08:00

It's sunday evening and I'm on my bed trying to get some work done when my sister calls me from the kitchen to tell me some of her friends are coming over. Now my sister's friends have dis common trait, some of them have this suggestive behaviour around me and to be honest I find it cute but sometimes it's a bit uncomfortable and that's because most of them are between the ages of 15-17 . It's normal for them to have all those fairytale crushes on an older guy even though I'm still a young broda but sometimes some of them take it a bit too far. The girls come over and I go downstairs to say hi, they all go into the kitchen and I decide to sit in the living room with my laptop. I'm sitting there listening to music and tweeting when one of the girls comes into the living room, she smiles, I smile back and she sits beside me trying to form all interested in what I'm doing. Now I have to give u a short back-story concerning me and this young lady, her name is Kate, she's 17, she has a sister who's 23, they are family friends, while back I flirted wiv her sister but it was perfectly harmless, just me being all charming and funny, I noticed Kate wasn't very excited about me flirting wiv her sis and she was kinda avoiding me throughout the rest of the day but I didn't read too much meaning into it cos I just thot we were all having fun. Anyway Kate was siting beside me now and I'm watching 'QI' on my laptop. She compliments my haircut, I thank her for the compliment and ask her if she went to church today, she said she was just coming from church and decided to just pop in to see me, "See me?" I say, "Dnt you mean see us?", she said seeing 'us' means the same thing cos it still involves seeing 'me', now I'm interested in what this young lady is putting on the table cos only a mugu will not sense that he's being flirted with at that very moment. Unconsciously, I had closed 'QI' on my laptop and started playing naija jamz, 'Plantain Boy' was playing now and she got up and started dancing in front of me. If it was an attempt to impress me it wasn't working, no be sey the babe no fine or she no get fine body (a fact I feel uneasy accepting), it just felt wrong cos we are family friends, harmless flirting is alright but if she was attempting to get me 'excited' then that wud just be wrong. If you dnt accpet that excuse then blame it on the song, 'Plantain Boy' is not a jam dat can get many boys 'excited'. She sits back down, I get up to switch on the TV in an attempt to divert attention, I'm standing infront of the TV flicking through channels and then she gets up, walks up to me and presses her boobs up against my arm. This isn't the first time she's done this, infact it's become her M.O. I didn't want to act all edgy cos her boobs were on my arm so I just stood there acting all calm, 'I like your glasses Robby, will you give them to me? she asks, " Well I know the glasses are hot but if you want them you'll have to join the queue cos a lot of my friends want them too", She smiles and says "Well if you give me the glasses I'll let you have something of mine free of charge". Now I wish I was one of those naive people who'd hear this sentence and think she's talking about some discount vouchers at NEXT or something but the only thing dat kept echoing in my head was 'SEX SEX SEX SEX'. Now I know things have gone too far, I know her popsy for crying out loud! Her brother is one of my best mates, My mumsy calls them all her children, if dis babe was thinking wat I think she ws thinking then wahala dey! Besides I dnt do underage, I hear the legal age of consent is 16, well you can go and tell Mr. Prime minister that mine's is 18 thank you!! My sister walks into the room and Kate immediately retracts her booobs 4rm my arm lol, Me I just dey behave like sey nothing happen sef lol. The other girls come into the living room too and announce that they might be leaving soon, I'm half-tempted to ask for Kate's number because I realised I'd never bothered to collect it prior to dis evening. However collecting her number wud mean I was interested in dis 'venture' she was proposing right? well I dnt need to add to d stress in my life so I decided not to ask for the number. The girls start filing out of the house, Kate is the last to leave and as she walked out into the night she turned and blew me a kiss which I dodged Matrix-style in my head. To be honest it was an interesting night but I doubt anything will happen between us, the wahala will be too much for me abeg! My phone beeped, it was a message from a number I didn't recognise, I opened it and couldn't help but laugh. It read:

"Maybe next time Robby...Kate xxx"

disturbing...

2009-11-29T21:45:00.000-08:00

"You be soldier boy, If you no carry helmet sun go beat you, if you no carry boot snake go bite you, if you no carry gun bullet go kill you.." M.I ft. SAS - Hustle rmx

So two posts in one day? not new is it? Anyways me get stuff to yan as usual so sit down, grab a pack of crisps and sip some juice while you enjoy...no choke sha!

Apparently some folks think I'm a bit mean cos in some of my posts I say less than admirable things about celebrities and famous folk in general. I was tempted to do one of two things, apologise for some of my quips or tell dem to sod off, I will do neither. What I will do is re-establish some already evident facts, Is it your blog? NO! Are you Sir Scribbles II? OFCOURSE NOT! Did I drag you kicking and screaming to come and read 'The Royal Scribbles'? NO I DIDN'T! So if you dnt like what you see here, if you have a problem with any word, sentence or paragraph, if your heart burns with anger and disgust at the sort of humour on display then you brought it upon yourself cos nobody beg you make you reach area. Infact...

Actress and former Playboy bunny Pamela Anderson will make her pantomime debut this Christmas in a production of Aladdin. The former baywatch star is going to be playing the part of the Genie and just like in her sex tape the audience will see how rubbing her lamp will make cum out. In other news, Statistics show that by the year 2015 the world's population will have increased by 20%, 2face please use a condom! Finally, a reliable source told The Sun newspaper that Amy Winehouse loves showing off her new boobs and wanted to get sexy underwear to make the most of them. I believe that when Miss Winehouse has a baby and takes up breast feeding it'd be advisable to label her boobs accordingly, 'Alchoholic and Non-alchoholic'. Now if you like dis paragraph u can liek to chew on a grenade...moving on!

I ran into a vile human being a few days ago and I swear to you this man was so vile that I was shocked to numbness. Now most black peeps in a white man's country will claim to have be a victim of one form of rascism or the other but to be honest I haven't really seen a direct, blatant rascist person since I stepped into this country...until a few days ago.
I was jejely sitting on the train oh, been out all day and was heading home tired and hungry as feck! Two dudes got on the train some stops after me and cos it was rush hour there were no empty seats so they had to stand. I'd had earphones in my ears throughout the journey and could hardly hear what anyone in the carriage was saying but I glanced towards one of the dudes who'd gotten on the train and the look on his face made me curious enuf to pause Trey Songs 'Yo side of the bed' (mad song btw) and eavesdrop. I remember his comments like they were words from our national anthem and this is exactly what we was muttering to his friend,

*Warning: What you are about to read contains strong language, reader discretion is advised*

"...fucking immigrants, wish they'd go back to their fucking countries. Look at them, all sitting there in our chairs acting like they own the fucking place, bunch of cunts if you ask me. They are all the same to me, cunts who take our jobs and pollute our streets. Yeah they work like hell but they breed like hell too. Bunch of Niggars, Pakis and Chinks all together in one train and I'm fucking on it! Wish I had a gun, shoot every last one of them I tell you, bang! bang! bang! Ethnic cleasing..I love it! Hitler was a man who knew how to deal with cunts, kill em all...dats the only way to get rid of them for good mate...kill em all".

My people I'd be lying to you if I told you I wasn't deeply disturbed by this man's presence on the train. To be honest I couldn't write everything he said cos it'd feel like I was tainting my blog wiv his words. There are still people like this in this world oh, dnt even dull urself thinking it's everyone is as sensible as you. These are the kind of people who's comments should be criticized, not the casual quips found on The Royal Scribbles. I've been thinking about that train ride ever since and the man's hateful expression as all these rascial slurs flew out of his mouth is ethced into my memory and will be there for a very long time unfortunately. I know I should have taken the bus I swear!

Toilet Graffiti is the devil's way of saying waste ur brain!

2009-11-29T15:04:00.001-08:00

There are some things in this life that I fail to comprehend properly, not like I'm supposed to understand everything but there are some little things that just elude my understanding and anytime I try to appreciate or at least grasp the motive behind these things I end up more confused than I was in the beginning. One of the things I can't seem to wrap my head around is toilet graffiti...I FRIGGIN HATE TOILET GRAFFITI!!!!!!!! I don't get why people write on the walls of a toilet to be honest. First of all I hate public toilets, I'd rather wear a diaper for the whole friggin day than do a number 1, 2 or even 3 in a public toilet but seeing as I have a reputation to think about I have to compromise when situatiosn become 'dire'. I was forced to compromise one day and take a leak in a public toilet, it was at a train station and I wasn't sure I had the 'bladderbility' to hold it till I got to my stop. Anways I was in the one of the stalls and it was one of those moments where you aren't really thinking straight until you are done taking a leak, after that u start to take in your surroundings and realise what's really going on around you. This toilet stall was marred with graffiti mehn, as in everywhere! There were so many drawings of private parts and sex positions that you could lose your virginity just from just touching the wall. Doodles about anything and everything were everywhere I tell you and someone even wrote down all the lyrics from a 2-pac song on the stall's door. Seriously ehn if I've never heard a 2-pac song before would the inside wall of a public toilet be the best place to advertise it to me? Now this is just baffling! How do people come up with this stuff please? how long does it take some people to shit that they get so bored that they have to entertain themselves by writting 2-pac songs on the wall? How nasty do you have to be to be thinking about sex when you're sitting on the porcelain thrown biko? Is it on some people's to-do list?
1. Buy milk,
2. Pick up laundry
3. Defac public toilet wiv drawings of male genitals.
It's really hard for me to get why someone would take out a pen, chalk, pencil or marker and start writting or drawing on the walls of a public toilet. Think about it for a second, a dude stands infront of a wall after doing his business and then says to himself:
"This wall looks rather bland, maybe I should entertain myself and the other innocent, unsuspecting patrons of this here stall by carving all the pet names I have for my johnson onto it, afterall I'm in a public toilet and bored out of my mind" Please can someone enlighten me on this issue?
Everytime I walk into a toilet and see graffiti on the walls I'm hit by a wave of bewilderment, to me it's just an exhibition of how bored, gross and irresponsible peeps can be to be honest. Don't even get me started on folks who throw gum on d streets or stick it under chairs...I go just vex fling laptop 4 wall!!!

btw if you haven't seen my birthday wishlist then hop on over to http://royalscribblesdeux.blogspot.com/2009/11/wish-list.html. For the lovely people interested in making this Igbo boy happy on the 19th of december you can mail me for delivery as well as other miscellaneous details at robbyscribbles@gmail.com.

I haven't done a spoof ad in a while you know?...Peace out peeps!!!!

The Wish list

2009-11-23T13:46:00.000-08:00

~THE WISHLIST '09~

So here it is, my birthday wishlist! My Birthday is on 19th of December and this is a list of things I'd love from anyone and possibly everyone planning on getting me a gift. I found it hard to narrow down some of my choices because I liked different styles or colours of an item in a category so I decided to give those of you who are interested options to choose from. You know I don't have wahala and as expected this isn't obligatory, the list doesn't mean a card of a text won't be appreciated.

~Hawes and Curtis Shirt~

I love Hawes and Curtis, they do the most alluring shirts I've seen so far. Here are a couple I'm partial to and they're arranged in order of decending preference. Just by looking at the colours and patterns I'm sure you've deduced that I have a thing for striped brightly coloured shirts :)

~Diesel: Fuel for life and/or Hugo Boss Ambre Baldessarini~

I'd love to get a a bottle of any one of these colognes. I've used tons of colognes in my short life and any one of these two would be absolutely awesome. Is it too much to ask for 75ml and above? well that's up to you really but like I said I'd love any one of them.

~Fred Perry Track Top~

They look good right? yes I know! Once again anyone of these would be perfect, I kinda like the red one better but blue stripes on the black one keep stalling my decision on which one I'd prefer. I'll let you decide. My size in these should be Extra large (XL), can be found at JD.

~Royal Republiq 'Be Open Eagle' leather belt~

I like the belt and it's as simple as that! I think it's because of the buckle, don't know really. Can be found at equip.com

~Fred Perry and/or Nanny State Plimsoll Shoes~

Sir Scribbles loves plimsoll shoes and Fred Perry and Nanny State know how to make konfirmed Plimsoll shoes mehn. Once again anyone of these would be awesome. I'm usually a size 46/12 but it'd be safer to go with a 47/13. I know shey? my feet are massive lol. Can be found at Asos.com and JD

So that's my birthday wish list for the 19th of December 2009. You see? I told you I wasn't fussy :). Any questions don't hesitate to ask. Peace out!

Scribbles says

2009-11-22T07:05:00.000-08:00

*WARNING: The following post may offend some readers*

The following are 12 wise sayings from the Sagacious Sir Scribbles, read it, absorb it and live it. Don't be dismayed if you do not understand some of them though, understanding will come with time.

Scribbles says..

A Man with big head has a lot on his mind

A Man who plays the cookie jar song at his wedding is giving his wife a heads up

A Man with big feet is always one step ahead.

Just because a Calabar man called you a bitch doesn't make him a Cannibal

When a hausaman says "I want to poke you" on Facebook it's best to read between the lines

A Woman who buries her head in laps likes to help men get 'ahead'

The coward lives to point out the grave of the brave man.

Sex is technological, Men like software and women like hardware

If your Papa is a half-cast and your Mama is a half-cast it doesn't make you one full Oyibo

A Man who cheats on his wife with her twin is stuck in a deja vu

Childbirth and abortion are like the two sides of a glass door, one side needs you to push while the other needs to be pulled.

Pre-marital sex is like meat in jollof rice, if u eat it first there's nothing to look forward to at the end of the meal

Oya collect your usual medicine.....

2009-11-16T16:54:00.000-08:00

Una don dey craze shey? seriously wat the hell is going on? fight fight fight everywhere! Why is there so much beef going around ehn? pple are taking swipes at each other, calling each other names, being hateful and spiteful like it's a normal thing. I tire 4 una oh, there use to be a time wen we'd all laugh, say what we wanted and still be friends after the last full stop. I tire 4 una drama oh, I thot it wasn't getting to me but lately I can't even blog right cos of all d wahala everywhere. It's no longer fun to blog u know, everyone is so cautious, so critical, so uptight now and frankly it's pissing me off. I cnt even read 3 posts wivout coming across a discourteous reference to another blogger. How? wen dis one happen biko? wen we start to dey craze like dis? It's not cool at all! Isn't there enuf drama in our lives already? do we really need to turn blogsville into a living soap opera? Anyways dat one na 4 una pocket sha cos Sir Scribbles' is resuming activties like sey nothing dey happen!

Ladies and Gentlemen my birthday don dey come *gen gen* hehehe! You shud have been expecting this since naw, 4rm Januray till now I haven't said anything about a birthday so obvioulsy it's around d corner. I'm thinking of making a wishlist but it's dat kind of thing dat makes ur friends avoid you till d following year lol. Frankly I dnt do lists cos I think it puts pple who care in awkward positions and takes d whole fun of gifting giving out of a birthday. However, my friend got 2 iphones 4rm 'platonic' friends so I'm looking to invest in dis list making market. WAAAAAAAAAIIT!! Una don dey run shey? dnt worry I dnt want an iphone joh! Not to make too much mouth but I'm a very satisfied young man so wat do u think? list or no list? well I guess the more appropriate question to ask wud be publish the list or not? I have already drafted the it and by just looking at it I know that even the people who care will revolt. If I do publish the list I expect to see a small placared weilding mob gathered on my lawn chanting something like "Hell no! Scribbles list must go!"

I heard Nkem Owoh aka Osuofia was kidnapped lol. I don't know why I find that so frigging funny I swear! I also heard the kidnappers made a ransom demand of N15m LOL! Abeg who is going to pay that amount of money for Nkem Owoh? I'm not saying he's not worth it oh, what I'm asking is who's going to pay it? I'm expecting some of his usual movie co-stars to stand up and be counted, Sam Loco where are you? John Okafor aka Mr. Ibu pay dis ransom, Patience Ozokwor aka Mama Gee show us how much of a mama u are biko! Come to think of it this kidnapping business is a way of measuring how famous you are you know. I forsee a future where if ur an A-list celeb and you haven't been kidnap you'll get demoted to the B-kist and if you still dnt attract kidnappers you get a further demotion. Actors go dey vex sey dem neva kidnap dem, muscians will be hustling to be kidnapped lol. You can trust Timaya to mention it in one of his tracks naw, "My name na Timaya ransomed cos I'm handsome dey strike like a thunder dey blow like a bazooka" LMAO!

I watched a CNN backstory segment about the Mafia in Italy a while back. The reporter was very enthusiastic and I was really interested in the story especially since it involved the mafia. The reporter focused on a particular town and how the mafia had the inhabitants in a chokehold. He said they were forced to pay protection money to the ruling mafia and the amount of extortion going on there was unbelievable. Now you'd think doing a story on the mafia in a mafia controlled town wudn't be risky enuf for this reporter right? well like I said he was very enthusiastic and this man wanted to really capture the essence of a mafia controlled town. He said he wanted to see if he cud get one of the shop owners on a street to confess that he paid protection money to the mafia, LMAO! Dats just mad shey? Now I'm no mafia boss and most of my mafia knwoledge was acquired courtesy of Grand theft auto but I believe getting someone to confess they pay protection money to the mafia on international televisiosn isn't really a smart thign to do, kinda like signing ur death warrant on a global scale. You know this reporter actually walked up to a man in a store and told the man he was on CNN and asked if he paid protection money, Omo u for see d man face naw, I swear he cudn't believe that was wat he was being asked on camera. The reporter was indirectly trying to get the poor man killed. The man didn't even answer the reporter, he just went into his store muttering something under his breath in italian. My Italian is a bit rusty seeing as I dnt speak the language but common sense tells me that what that man said was "Fecking maga! Be like sey bomb dey your papa head"

Do you know M.I? I love M.I, Mr incrdible is a genius and one of d most lyrically sound artists of in naija but something always gets to me wen I hear his rhymes. Now those of you who listen to M.I will know that in his lyrics he likes to declare that he is Nigerian and proud, infact he usually says he's a black boy nd he's proud. Now I just think dats stating d obvious, is there really need to reinform us about the colour of your skin M.I.? have u seen M.I? dat broda is blacker than charcoal with a sun tan. He keeps repeating he's black like sey we dey follow am argue. Is there a debate going on somewhere about M.I's complexion? who is d maga dat thinks M.I is a halfcast or mixed race or even oyibo sef? That's like saying Fela never smoked weed or Chris brown pays attention to all those warnings at the beginning of wrestling shows that say "Don't try this at home"

I love blogsville you know, I really can't elaborate what I've learned and experienced cos of the people here and it's soo no cool seeing all this spite and strife. I don talk my own sha!

Uncles in the house!

2009-11-08T18:00:00.001-08:00

I wanted to post the concluding part of my last post but that will have to be pushed back for now because I have more important gist. I remember telling you guys that my baby cousin's first birthday was coming up, on the 7th of November to be precise. I have to settle down to give y'all the gist so make I start.
We started planning this party like a month ago, my uncle is a confirmed party monger and he wanted it to be massive. By friday the 6th the house was filled with crates and cartons of drinks, trays and coolers of food and we'd managed to re-arrange the whole house to give peeps enough space to display their kolo. As usual the league of extraordinary Uncle's was invited and the plan was to have the kids party at 6pm in a rented hall, end it by 7pm so the adults would have time to get to the house for the house party at 8pm. Trust Naija peeps now, invitation said party starts at 8pm shey? 8:45 the house was still empty, 9pm only one person had shown up. 9:15pm the house was full, some stereotypes just can't be disproved lol. 9:30pm peeps were just chilling, feeling the athmosphere, mostly sober and having lucid conversations. I had 3 cameras on me, a bit too much u say? You'd think it was because of some cliched motive like wanting to capture the memorable moments on the occasion right? Well you'd be partially right if you thought so but my other reason was absolute mischief hehehehe! U think sey I go dull b4? My Uncles were all going to be under the same roof, there'd be loud music and enough drinks and food to humble the strongest of men, wacky and hilarious things wud happen, I was certain of it and wanted to be the first on the scene, cameras flashing and laughing my ass off. Trust my uncles naw, they didn't disappoint!

It was the usual house party athmosphere, music, chatter, slurping and munching. At about 11pm all the people who had stuff to do the next day like church or work started leaving and by 12am my Uncles began to display. Now the funny thing about all this is the fact that they were all tipsy but if you didn't know them you wouldn't have guessed it. I'll just give you a quick run through of some of the things that happened. My Uncles started a dance competition between themselves but there was no skanking, jerking or breakdancing oh, it was confirmed Igbo steps mehn. At a point one of dem took off his jacket and lay flat on d floor while another danced around him. Since I was fuly equipped for the situation there was no shortage of camera flashes and that led to one Uncle dubbing me paparazzi for the night. That same Uncle asked me why I wasn't drinking anything, another Uncle told him I don't drink, he looked confused and asked me to reaffirm, I told him I really didn't drink and that's when they he decided to finish me! Apparently a few months back he'd seen me hugging a girl at the train station but he had never said anything...until tonight. "See dis man oh, u talk sey u no dey drink but I see you 4 ilford 2 months back with one girl like dat. Una just dey hug like sey una wan swallow urselves. I dey fear you oh Scribbles! I think sey u be holy-holy b4 but afta dat day I start to dey salute you!" My mouth fell open, another Uncle turned and asked if it was true, I didn't answer, all the others rounded on me and by the time they were done teasing and joshing me I was so red in the face that if I stood on the street cars would stop in front of me. But u trust me now, I had my revenge a few hours later.

4am, the only people left in the house were my uncles, my baby cousins were in bed, mumsy and my little sister were crashing and I was already nodding off in the siting room. I'd already exhasted two 2GB memory cards but the 3rd would hold the most satisying information of the day beacause in addition to containing videos of my uncles dancing and hollering like sey dem dey mad, I caught one of my uncle's, the one who started teasing me, trying to smuggle the last bottle of courvoisier into his car. I swear it was hilarious and what heightened the hilarity was the fact that it was caught on camera. I would have let him take the bottle because we're all family but the man refused to pay for my silence. Abeg no judge me joh, the man even owes me £30 for fixing his laptop and he's been dodging me ever since I gave it back to him. I knew I should have taken a deposit first. Anyway I told him to pay only £10 for my silence if he wanted to leave with the courvoisier but he was being stubborn and even played the "we are family" card. Omo I no gree oh, the bottle is in the kitchen now and it's not my fault, uncle was just being cheap abeg because technically I was telling him to pay 10 quid for a bottle of courvoisier. I'm still going to collect my 30 quid from him, maybe I'll use the picture to threaten him.

Everything that happened could never match up to what happened the following day. We'd been cleaning the house for a while and I decided to take a break. I sat in the living room watching TV, my baby cousin was crawling towards me, stopped half-way, gripped the edge of a table and started walking fo the first time. I was ecstatic! I screamed for eveyone to come see and everybody came to the living room. I stood her up, took a few steps back and she walked towards me again. My aunt screamed, my mum screamed, my sister screamed, my uncle was fronting but I knew he wanted to scream. The reason why we were all excited was simply because the pikin no wan walk before. we'd been trying to get her to walk but she just like crawling. I was so happy because it broght back memories. The last baby that walked infront of me for the first time was my lil brother and even after he's begged me to stop telling the story I still can't get the image out of my head. My baby cousin can only walk in a straight line though and when she walks it's like an impersonation onf Klint the drunk but she can sha move without being on all fours. Before that day I was scared that in a decade I'd have a 10yr old cousin who still crawled lol.

In summary it was a wonderful weekend and only reached an anticlimax today when we found out london bus drivers were on strike. Thank goodness I'm not going anywhere today, my sister was livid because she had to take a cab to school and will probably take one back home too. Mumsy leaves on tuesday so at least I'll have my privacy back even if it's just for a month. Peace, love and prosperity to y'all. We go jam l8r.

The Division (concluded)

2009-11-06T11:04:00.000-08:00

If you read the last post then you already know what the deal is, my pal Richie is in a bit of a dilemna because he's dating a white girl and his mum isn't happy with the idea. I was always accused of negligence because I let my friend fall into teh hands of a white girl. Now this wasn't what bothered me abouut the whole issue, what bothered me was the way Richie's mum and uncle analysed the whole thing. I decided to quote two comments from the previous post not because I felt they were the most accurate or important but because they were actually related to teh analysis I wanted to give in this concluding post.

First off is Neo's comment and I believe it was a very concise way of explaining why interracial relationships received tons of raised eyebrows. Rascism has affected a lot of things in our society and mindsets have either been modelled or remodelled based on it. The reason why Richie's mum and uncle are so critical of is relationship with the girl is simply because when they were Richie's age the thought of even associating with a white person cordially was precareious. The disposition of the 'old folk' towards interracial associations has been passed down through generations and that's the reason why some people in this modern time still see a these sort of associations as finite and unserious. The modern mind always tries to criticse the folk who frown on interracial relationships but sometimes we forget that their idealogies are modelled based on experiences they had and situations they've been in which in most cases they couldn't control. An old black man will tell his son not to marry a white woman simply because he's seen it lead to disaster before and he'll be absolutely justified. Also a friend will tell you that it's cool to date someone from another race simply because in this day and age the line between races and cultures has been blurred to insignificance, also justifiable.

The second and final comment is Lady X's becasue it gives insight into the issue of racial division and ethic preferences. After analysing the incident at the wedding you'd be pretty close to concluding that Richie's mum and uncle were rascist right? Now consider this, there's a possibility that rather than racism being the root of their idealogy it's stereotyping. In my opinion stereotyping is an infant form of rascism along with other types of prejudice and one can only become prejudiced concerning issues like this after reaching a climax in stereotyping. They said a white woman will just use Richie and dump him, same way they might say a Hausa woman will not be able to make eba the way he wants it or a yoruba woman will put too much oil in his stew. When it comes to stereotyping, experiences lead to opinions which gain doggedness as the effects of the experiences seep deeper into one's being. In the end the most dogged opinions give birth to stereotyped dispostions. The message here is similar to the previous paragraph, their mindsets may be questionable but their experiences cannot be disregarded.

In conclusion, I didn't talk to Richie about his white girlfriend because I didn't see the need to do so. If he's doing it for the right reasons then who are we to judge? If he's got less than admirable intentions then that's between him and his 'girlfriend'. We can't deny that most interracial relationships are met with raised eyebrows and stereotyping will always play a role in the analysis of such relations but consider this and correct me if I'm wrong; genuine interracial relationships require a lot of understanding, patience, compromise and confidence. People who consider getting involved in them must ask themselves if they are ready to exude all these traits constantly because the society, as modern as you may think it is, will never let an opportunity to test them all go unused.

The Division

2009-11-01T10:00:00.000-08:00

This is a post that's like 3 months old but the subject matter is as fresh as bread out of an oven. I'll give you a run-through of the incident that prompted it all and if you haven't already realised it this is going to be one of those moments where Sir Scribbles isn't as comical as customary.

The sister of a friend of mine was getting married. I'm really close to the family especially the last-born, Richard, nd we are basically like brothers. I didn't go for the church wedding and since I skipped that I ended up running into Richie for the first time that day at the reception which was when he told me was he'd brought his 'current' girlfriend to the wedding. Prior to today I had no idea Richie was even in the process of dating someone seeing as he is a womanizer of immense proportions and the news left me curious and excited. However, when I asked him how the church wedding went he told me he had left the church rather annoyed because, in his words, "They want me to be like them". Later the bride's mum who's a close friend of my mum arrived and after we exchanged greetings her and my mum went into a little room to talk. 30 minutes later my mum reappears, pulls me gently to a corner of the room where we wouldn't be overhead and tells me that Richie's mum is worried because he's dating a white girl and can't understand why I would let that happen seeing as we are close friends. Now remember I hadn't even known Richie had a girlfriend till that very day and her race was definitely still unknown to me but being accused of 'negligence' wasn't even what bothered me. The next person to talk to me was Richie's 80-something year old looking uncle and the man gave me a long speech on how white women lure black men into marriages, wreck their lives and then divorce them leaving the men useless and distraught. I was attentive throughout the whole speech because I found it rather intriguing but not for the reasons Richie's uncle would have preferred. What really intrigued me was the concluding part of the speech, he likened interracial marriages to slavery and said that no matter how much 'love' interracial couples think they have it can't overcome the western individual's tendecy to consider the black man as a slave, this was the sentence that intrigued me the most. I had already started to feel uncomfortable seeing as it was my best friend who was the subject matter of the 'interesting' discussion and after I informed them that I hadn't even known Richie had a girlfriend till that very day I assured his mum and uncle that I'd have a word with Richie as soon as possible and find out the reason behind his decision to date a white girl. However, I had no intentions of doing anything of the sort.

to be continued...

Make I gist you...

2009-10-26T20:18:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I gave you pple solid Sir Scribble gist shey? Don't mind me mehn, Tatafo Today wan scatter my head lol. It's like I opened a can of worms wiv dat post cos now I can't watch the news or read a newspaper without interpreteing it satirically lol. It's all gud sha, I sha get gist 4 una. Everyone in this house don dey disturb me about woman, some are merely curious while some are demanding that I get a girlfriend lol. The thing is I've lost d zeal to chase women. Women too dey give headache nd I really don't want to be spending travelcard money on Paracetamol. One of these days I'll gist you guys bout my very complicated nd boring love life but for now just know that I, Sir Scribbles, am on strike. It's rather sad to say this but I have only been meeting 'long' women lately and it has taken its toll on me so the strike is appropriate. However, d flirting department is still functional *wink wink* lol

My aunt thinks I'm gay! The woman has been looking at me one kin' these days and a few weeks back she just cornered me in d kitchen and accused me of being gay! In her own words, "Why don't u ever bring girls home? you hardly go out and even when you do go out we don't know where u go or who u go to see. Your phone never rings and even when it does ring it's either ur mother or your sister. You know u can tell me these things, I was young too you know? I know all these things." Abeg can u see d trap this woman is setting for me? so she don dey trail me shey? I'm now living with a CIA agent oooo! she wants me to start bringing girls back home so dat she can report to Scribble HQ and give Mama Scribbles high BP? No Thank you! The last time I told my Aunt bout a girl I liked she used it to blackmail me for three months! The day I bring a girl into this house is the day Muhammed Ali dances yahoozee lol

My Baby cousin's birthday party is in a couple of days and I manged to get a sample of the jamz the DJ will be playing on dat day. I swear I wanted to smack d dude on d head, if dats wat d man was planning on playing I shud bury his head in a turntable! I think I'm just going to burn some CDs and give him to mix and play cos if I even hear one chorus 4rm any of the jams on those CDs of his I'll flip. You'd think he'd go 4 naija jamz at least but no, d man was planning on playing Barbie Girl nd Mr Bombastic, wat kind of mixed CD is dat biko? Maybe I shud start looking 4 another DJ? it's either dat or I'll just be d DJ dat day.

I've started looking for graduate jobs oh! I'm so happy I know wat I want to do with my life. It took a while for me to figure it out but I know what I've decided to is definitely what I'm going to be happy doing. Sir Scribbles is a business Analyst in the making and this is an official reaching-out-to-those-with-the-experience paragraph. Abeg this young, energetic, confident and hardworking lad is definitely going to be a nuclear business analysts so I dey beg una ehn, anyone with advice nd tips on graduate jobs for business analysts shud just holla at a broda robbyscribbles@gmail.com. If you be fine girl you can include your number with the email but that's not compulsory lol. Seriously though, I'll finish my postgraduates in June '10 and have already started scouting for jobs but if you've got advice either about the Business Analyst career or about jobs in dat area no fear to holla k. Thanks a million.

I was kinda sleepy wen typing this so bear wiv me. I'll give y'all some more cohesive gist later k. peace out

Tatafo Today 2

2009-10-20T20:03:00.000-07:00

Thank you for joining us once again on Tatafo Today, your trusted and verifed source for the latest and stale news with a slight twist. Today's headlines...

A disney movie titled 'Blindness' has recently received serious critisicm from filmwatchers. The movie centres around the events transpiring after a viral breaout take saway people's sight. The most enraged members of the community seem to be the blind and they claim the movie potrays them as vile and incompetent. The movie has been labeled filthy, vicious and depraved by many members of the blind community and they have threatened to employ austere measures to ensure the movie is boycotted . In an offical press conference,Tatafo Today asked the community's spokespoken, Mr One-eyed McMan, one simple question: "Which member of the blind community saw the movie?"

A few months back video game giant CAPCOM released another installment of the Resident Evil Series titled Resident Evil 5. The game gives players control of a caucasian protagonist and puts them in a fictional african town overrun wiv native zombies and sees players slay numeorus native zombies to achieve certain goals. The game has been reviewed and criticized by members of the community with people claiming the game habours subtle rascist allusions beacuse the protagonist is caucasian and he is slaying african zombies. Our reporters her at Tatafo Today are doing our best to keep you up to date on the situation but we are still unable to contact an African Zombie for an official statement

Fu Bingli has recently proven that he has the world's strongest fingers. The Kung Fu master has been practicing Kung Fu for 32 years since the age of seven and in a show of amazing strength Fu Bingli was able to stand upside down supporting himself on just one index finger before topping this feat by completing 12 press ups on just one finger on his right hand. The Kung Fu master is very optimistic about his chances of getting into the Guniess world record books and seemed very enthusiastic when talking to Tatafo Today. A few moments ago we confirmed that the night before, Fu Bingli's wife had been rushed to the emergency room with a suspected damaged Cervix.

Katie price, recently divorced, star of a sextape and rumoured girlfriend of a porn star has just been shortisted for the mother of the year award. Our analysts and pundits here at Tatafo Today have given us their expert opinion and believe the probability of Katie winning the award are as high as Obama featuring on MTv Cribs.

And that's it from us here at Tatafo Today, we hope to see you again next time on the show. Goodbye!

Tatafo Today!

2009-10-19T09:03:00.000-07:00

Good evening, My name is Robert Scribbles and this is Tatafo today bringing you the world's latest and stale news with a twist. Before we begin we'd like to observe a minute silence for the Premeir league teams Liverpool and Chelsea as once again they have shown that anyone foolish enough opposes Manchester United will be put to sleep by teams of lesser standard and managers with smaller bellies. Now the world's Tatafo....

Singer Leona Lewis was attacked at the book signing for her new autobiography in Piccadilly, London. The attacker screamed the words 'I love you' before punching Miss Lewis in the face. In his defence, the attacker's lawyer claims his client was simply trying to show his appreciation for Miss Lewis's work and he was innocent because he had been misled by Miss Lewis to believe that she bled love. In another press conference Mikey Mouse announced that he too would be launching an autobiography, his exact words were "What could she possibly have seen in life that I haven't"

Victoria Beckham was drafted in as a guest judge on American Idol in place of Paula Abdul and Our sources say she received a £3 million pay deal for her services. In a secret interview which was leaked to Tatafo Today, Posh spice spoke about her amazing figure and when asked to break down her diet for the audience she replied "I take a deep breath every morning"

73 year old Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi has tipped Tony Blair for the EU presidency. In a letter to an Italian newspaper he said that he believed the former prime minister of England had the right credentials for the job and should get the job as soon as legally possible. Silvio Berlusconi has been rifled with several sex scandals varying from allegedly paying protitutes to have parties at his official residences to hiring escorts to have intercourse with him without the use of condoms. Members of the EU have not given an official statement concerning Berlusconi's support for Blair but we at Tatafo Today know that the EU will only consider Berlusconi's suggestion when Osama Bin Laden finally decides to make a rap video.

Statistics show that in Britain a mobile phone is stolen every 12 seconds. We asked Nokia for an official comment and they have assured owners of the 3310 that they have nothing to be worried about.

World footballer of the year Cristiano Ronaldo is currently sidelined due to an ankle injury on his right foot. The right winger cost Real Madrid £80 million and the club subsequently had his legs insured for £90 million. Tatafo Today has confirmed that Ronaldo's girlfriend is not happy with this arrangement because she is required to undertake 6 weeks traning before she is allowed to cuddle or caress her boyfriend and feels the 6 bodyguards which must be present whenever she is giving him a foot massage is an invasion of her privacy.

Thank you for joing us Ladies and Gentlemen, see you again next week. I'm Robert Scribbles signing out for Tatafo Today.

Revelations of little insanities part 5

2009-10-13T10:53:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I did one of these, quite odd really considering the world has an endless supply of craziness. Anyway as usual these are observations that you shud not waste your time googling unless you take shit way too seriously and consequently may end up in the next installment of the series lol...enjoy!

The human race has been seen alot of technological advancements, for example we've put a man on d moon and are now bombing the heck out of it, we've moved from computers which were bigger than an Audi TT to Laptops and smart phones. It is quite ironic that after all these technological advancements we are still stuck with a very common and basic problem WHY THE HELL CAN'T WE UNDO TEXTS? As in it is mind boggling, we have call waiting which practically allows you to put one convo on hold and attend to another, we have 3G telephony which gives most of us (who aren't with shitty service providers) access to the greatness that is the internet on the miniscule screens of our phones, yet wen u send a text to the wrong number you can't undo it! Have u ever mistexted someone and just wished u could cover ur phone with a pot so the text wudn't get out? A few days ago I mistexted someone and cos of the extent to which I knew I had effed up I actually tried to catch the text in the air, I swear I thot I saw the text leave my phone nd float through the window! Is it too much to ask? I mean we have sattelites in space and bladeless fans, I doubt it'd be a big deal for someone, Samsung, Microsoft or T mobile, to simply allow us too 'ctrl z' a text even after sending it. Now I have to cook up a damn gud excuse 4 dat text...SHITE!

Dialling a wrong number seems to be the curse of the telecommunication. I can confidently say, without any statistical support, that you have dialled a wrong number at least 5 times in your life. You know d funny thing about it? You realise it's a wrong number about 10 seconds into the conversation, first of all the voice on d other end is definitely not the one you were expecting but you still proceed further into the convo, then u mention the name of the person you are trying to reach and the person on the other end gives you the reply that you knew deep down u were going to get. Some pple even argue oh! As in it's obvious it's a wrong number but u keep telling the person on d other end that u r sure you have d right number and you are sure that he or she is the person you are looking for when all d evidence presented to you so far proves that he or she is not. You know what's even funnier and crazier? some pple will end the call, stare at the numbers on the paper or on their screen like it's the number's fault and then dial it all again only to get the same voice on the other end, have the same conversation all over again and reach the same conclusion, IT'S A WRONG NUMBER!.

Apparently research has show that if you put a frog in a pot of hot water it will jump out immediately but if u put it in a pot of cold water and boil it the frog will stay in there completely oblivious to the increasing temperature and die...now isn't that exciting? That's a thrilling piece of information right there isn't it? Scientist have alot of time on their hands shey? WHO THE HELL AUTHORISES THIS SHIT? obviously the cure for cancer can wait and the discovery of alternative fuels can be pushed back a bit to make space for more importantt scientific research like trying to get a steriod hyped baboon to beat the guitar hero high score by playing the elctronic guitar with it's butt cheeks! Doesn't it bother them that something as common as a cold can't be sorted, that after years of medical breakthroughs there isn't a defined method of preventing, curing or eradicating the common cold? Next thing you'll see on Yahoo news is that Scientists in Russia are trying to figure out how many Chocomilos an agama lizard can swallow b4 it cocks it's head and chokes to death!

Sire's threads

2009-10-09T06:58:00.000-07:00

The house was quiet but for the humming of the washing machine. Odera was home alone once again and left with only his random thoughts for company. Odera sat by the bedroom window staring at the concrete clad street below, his eyes darted from pedestrains to passing cars but his mind had wandered far beyond the limits of his sight. He never complained about the boring afternoons he had to spend at home alone, moments like this gave him a chance to gather his thoughts and analyse various aspects of his life. However, today was different and his thoughts seemed unfamiliar to him. Seconds before he had realised he had not mused over school, work or the typical satirical ideas which swirled around in his mind but he had spent most of the hour thinking about women. He smiled sheepishly, relieved no one could hear or see his thoughts. He had been wading through the waters of memories bringing to mind the women who had made their way into his life. Some had come, made their mark and left while some still painted pictures which sometimes baffled him. Faces began to materialise in his mind accompanied with memories which drove Odera's mind further away from the busy street below and into his own thoughts which seemed more interesting than the changing traffic lights and endless stream of cars driving past. He stood up and made his way to the large double bed adjacent to the window, reminiscing was definitely not the best way to spend his afternoon alone but the urge to recall every sweet and bitter moment with each and everyone of these women was too good to pass up. The rumpled bed covers gave the bed a disheveled mien and the ruffled green duvet lay in a crumpled heap at the foot of the bed. For a split second he contemplated straightening out the sheets but the excitement building up in him would definitely not be patient enough to wait for the sanitary detour. He flipped his laptop open and despite the glaring sunlight beaming into the room through the glass window the luminescence from the screen was still bright enough to expose the rugged yet refined features of his face. He stared at the screen for a few seconds and a few clicks later a blank page stared back at him. Deep in his own thoughts he glanced towards the window once more then back at the blank page again and from the depths of his memories he began to type. He paused half way into his makeshift prologue, did he really want to do this? Was this really a good idea? Maybe he would tone it down a bit? Keep some details to himself and let only the generic gist be put into writting. Once again he glanced over to the window which was was now sporting little globules of water, an indication that London's crappy weather was about to live up to it's reputation once more. The excitement seemed to tone down a bit, was this really a risk or was he simply being overdramatic? The more questions he asked the more contradictory the answers became. He argued with himself while inadvertently clicking and double-clicking on his mouse and by the time his thoughts had given him leave to realise what he'd done the draft which held his unfinished manuscript had been replaced by the Twitter homepage. Odera knew that it would take a miracle for him to even decide to rewrite what he had just unintentionally absented from his screen and another sheepish smile drew itslef unto his face as he concluded that the website before him had made his decision for him. The faces he had conjured in his mind slowly faded away and the respective stories that had started to take form dissolved like cubes of sugar being spattered by the pouring rain outside. A slight shudder emanated beside Odera as his phone rang, he glanced at the screen, steadied himself, answered, and as the voice from the other end of the line engaged him in harmless banter the last traces of the compulation to detail his love life vanished.

Feli Feli Issues S01E01

2009-10-08T16:08:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Feli Feli Issues, I'm your host Royal Blogger and on this show our expert analysts analyse the hot topics in the world today giving us their expert opnions and insight. Today we have three guest analysts and they are Nigerian Politician, Religious Leader and Atheist Writer. Welcome everyone and todays topic is Swine Flu. what are your opinions?

Nigerian Politician: Bloody white pple, una too get wahala, always catching nonsense nonsense diseases, if it's not bird flu it's anthrax, if no be anthrax na swinne flu. Why can't you just close your mouths when you sneeze for crying out loud?

Religious Leader: Well there's really no need to start insulting people Nigerian Politician. I personally think swine flu is God's way of telling us the end is near.

Atheist Writer: Bullshit! If he was as omnipotent as u claim then why wud he need swine flu to inform us of the so-called 'end time' when he cud easily turn on the heavely public address system and announce that our time was up! afterall he is God right?

Religious Leader: Well I wudn't expect you to understand atheist, you do not believe in him and most definitely will not undersand the way he works

Atheist Writer: This is the same crap you feed your misguided followers and then pass a collection plate around so that u can afford to drive a BMW. If I had a penny for everytime I've heard 'God works in mysterious ways' you'd be living in a mansion in Venice cos you'd have collected it all under the guise of funding for a new building.

Nigerian Politician: Whether there is or isn't a God is absolutely inconsiquential to the severity of the matter at hand. The problem is that you devious oyibos have once again decided to throw the world into panic by concocting another preposterous disease just so you can tell us 'third world countries' that if we ever rose up against you you'd wipe us out with a handkerchief full of nasal mucus. You think you scare us? we have a saying where I come from, "Disease no dey kill black man"

Atheist Writer: Except AIDS, Malaria, Polio and Cholera...

Nigerian Politician: Sorry, wat was that?

Atheist Writer: Nothing...u were saying something about oyibos?

Religious Leader: This is not a rascist issue Mr. Nigerian Politician, this is a matter of penance or penalty. The Moral decay in the society has sent a bad scent to heaven and God has simply given us a sign that if we do not change our ways he will come down upon us with a fist of fury.

Atheist Writer: Well surely if he was omnipotent he wudn't need to climb down 4rm his thrown and come all d way down to dis insignificant morally decaying rock we call a planet nd slam his fist on our heads furiously. If he is all powerful he cud just snap his fingers and we'd all be dead...but he hasn't has he?

Religious Leader: Because he is merciful and hasn't given up on your soul dear friend. Swine Flu is simply a warning, a teaser of things to come. If I were you I'd get down on my knees and...

Atheist Writer: Hold it right there...u want me to do what? Get down on my knees? You'd like that wudn't you? All you clergymen disgust me!!

Nigerian Politician: You see what I'm talking about? We are here talking about Swine Flu and you two Oyibos are talking many nonsense there. Frankly we, the nigerian leaders, are putting together a task force to prevent the disease from reaching our shores and combating it if it does.

Religious Leader: Oh really, and how much has your government budgeted for this task force?

Nigerian Politician: Approximately N85b

Atheist Writer: and how much will you pocket from this amount?

Nigerian Politician: about N70b...sorry I meant to say none. All the money will be used to implement safety measures for my family sorry our people.

Atheist Writer: I don't know what annoys me more, the religious fascists who wants us to believe that a supreme being wants us all dead of the political leader who plans to siphon a countries budget into his his pocket. Swine Flu isn't a warning from God and it sure as hell isn't an avenue for politicians to embezzle money either. Get that into your thick skulls please!

Nigerian Politician: Wait oh! did he just insult me? Shey dis man dey craze, I swear I go chook you Microphone oh!

Religious Leader: Yes he did Nigerian politician. May God forgive you atheist. I only pray that your soul is not too damned for redemption and Good will touch you before the night is over

Nigerian Politician: God ke? Touch ko? This basterd insulted me and my family on TV, why involve God when we can handle this ourselves? cameraman please turn the camera off, presenter please unplug my mic...This Maga wan dey do anyhow 4 public. God no need to touch u tonight o! Na me go show u d light...BASTERD!

Due to Technical difficulties the broadcast of this program has been suspended. Please tune in next week as another group of 'excitable' analysts tackle another hot topic on the show. I'm Royal Blogger signing out for Feli Feli Issues

Crap or Compos?

2009-10-07T08:41:00.000-07:00

Crap or Compos? I came across this test while wandering round the internet. Wat do u think? it is a load of bullcrap or is there some sense to it?...I thot it was crap btw!

Crap or Compos? The kids in the UK are just so friggin dull, like it's all doom and gloom with them. The only time you can ever see a couple of teenagers simply chatting and laughing is when they are either talking about sex, taking drugs, drunk and absolutely blitzed, planning to shank(stab) someone
or doing all four at the same time. A friend of mine said that the problem is in the society as a whole and we should blame the suggestive movies, the violent video games and the explicit songs, isn't dat just a load of crap? aren't these movies, songs and video games the same ones youths in Naija come in contact with? It's not like David Banners 'Play' was censored for Nigerians or the movie Bruno had some scenes deleted for the african consumer. How can u blame the shooting of school kids on a computer game? or an increase in sexually active youths on a 50 cent music video? I went to school wiv a lot of pple who played video games and there was never an incident where I had to duck under a desk and jump through a glass window cos my classmate had opened fire on us in the middle of our social studies class. In Uni I had a friend who listened to a lot of hard rock and heavy metal but I was never worried that he'd snap one day and start stabbing his roomates, he was 3 playlists away from atheism but miles away from committing suicide...although he did like to cut himself...I shud probably give him a call...see if he's still alive...

Crap or Compos? A couple of days ago my Uncle asked me if I'd heard of a movie called District 9. Now I was shocked cos he never asks me about movies and all of us simply assume that when technology advanced 4rm VHS to DVD he was left behind in d aftermath. I told him I'd seen the movie and in my mind I already knew where the conversation was going. "Some of the pple in the office said it was rascist and nigerians were insulted, is that true?" he asks. Somewhere among the words I will type now was my answer...
Now when I saw District 9 I was tempted to scream foul play but after reconsideration I realised dat the only thing dat felt offensive was d fact that the name of dude in the wheelchair was Obansajo, it was slightest offensive to me but majorly it was hilarious. Apart 4rm dat I actually saw no real insult in the movie. I think pple just like to get worked up on neglible issues and chat shit just to stir up controversy, some pple just like to play the victim all d time cos they love to complain and send invites to their pity parties. Why are Nigerians making so much noise when the pple who shud be pissed are the South Africans, I hope I wasn't the only one who noticed the clever way the writers of the movie disguised South Africa's xenophobia issues under the veil of Aliens vs. Human movie cliches. That is basically what the movie is about and if you really want something to point at and scream racism to then turn to your neighbour and ask them why there isn't a black teletubby. If u feel slighted that we were potrayed as gangsters, arms dealers, scammers and practitioners of witchcraft then u obviously haven't read a Vanguard, Sun, Punch or This day newspaper in a while.

Gist...

2009-10-05T05:08:00.000-07:00

I've never been good at fasting! I think the whole aim of the fast has been accomplished sef. It was my attempt at reconnnecting with my blog and it worked. Oya everybody back to work, The Buju candidate is back and I have gist sha

LOL! Now this is purely gossip, some of you know Miss B, she runs Naija Daydreamer. You shud check it out, like seriously u shud, she's got a very elaborate imagination, definitely not up to mine but she tries to be aweosme like me lol. She's a really good writer plus an A+ friend of moi so check it out. Now that I've given my conscience an alibi to rely on I'll tell u d reason why I've mentioned dis babe. Miss B likes pets, goldfish to be precise. Now dis friend of mine cares for these fishes, she feeds dem, cleans their bowl nd all dat but they always sem to kick d bucket..or shud I say kick d bowl. We don't know whether she's d murderer or the fishes commit suicide but one sure thing is dat they always die. The last one's name was Boubou, Boubou lasted a year nd 3 months b4 he died of mysterious causes and we r yet to receive an officially report from the pet shop coroner. A few days ago I was wiv a mutual friend of moi nd Miss B wen she calls and announces dat she's just bought another goldfish...2 infact. Now ladies nd Gentlemen help me answer this question. If one fish keeps dying, wats d need of getting 2? Apparently Miss B assumes that wen one sees d other dying it'll call 911 or attempt CPR lol. She even told me that she wanted to name one of the fishes after me? isn't dat a threat on my life? We all know d fishes will kpai so naming one after me is a death threat in my book. I know you'll read this B which is why I warned you b4 I posted it, it's all Luv hun.

I was on d bus a few days ago and someone came and sat in front of me. She had a pair of tight jeans on with a sleeveless T-shirt and brown sunglasses. You know wat made things even more interesting? we had d stare game! Her sunglasses glared from the flourescent lighting in the bus but her eyes was still visible. At first wen I noticed she was staring it was weird, but a lil innocent staring never hurt anyone, plus d babe was fine so me sef no dull. She stared, I stared, she looked away, I stared, her phone rang, I looked away, she stared, I considered an inviting smile, she stared, my phone rang, I picked it, the bus stopped, she got off, I cursed in my head, this is to you Juiceegal, it's all your fault!!!!!!!!!!!

Some pple can think of some nonsense scams mehn. Okay there's this 'Magician', his name is Derren Brown. You can google the sucker after you've read this paragraph. So what did this man do? Some time last week he predicted the winning numbers for the National lottery. You know d only problem with his prediction? The maga predicted the numbers AFTER they had been drawn! Is it just me or is something simply wrong with this trick? How can u predict something that's already happened? Okay me sef be magician *places fingers on temples* I predict that the sun will shine tomorrow but only after the moon has shone tonight, I predict that someone will be first to comment on this post and it won't be me, I predict that by the end of dis week Paris Hilton wud have had sex. Who does dis Maga think he's deceiving? If na so magic be dem me sef na magician shey? Bullocks!

Why is it that all women have an arch enemy? I try not to generalise when I can but today, for this post, I will risk it. Why is it that women always have another woman who wants to 'destroy' them, or so they say. I ask this cos 1 in 3 women have at least one arch enemy who they are not speaking to because of reasons like gossip, hating, backstabbing, BF snatching, Husband kpanshing, Borrow-my-stuff-and-never-return, or best friend gone bad! (Scribbles institute of statistics, 2009). Even if a woman has a battalion of friends there is always one babe at least who she isn't speaking to and in d most extreme cases wants to pull out her extensions. You see, dat's why being a guy is sooo cool, when guys have beef we settle it there and then, anything that can't be settled then is either forgotten or sorted out over a friendly game of punch me I punch you. Wiv guys there's no 'eyeing' or pretence, if we no like each other we no like each other and the hating parties are aware of the mutual lack of liking. If there's beef we air it out and if it can't be sorted then everbody goes their way wiv either a miniscule amount of trouble or a traditional chooking of bottle...we r direct no? There are exceptions as always but compared with y'all girls I think dudes are less prone to hating than gurls. oya chop my head...

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2009-10-03T06:02:00.000-07:00

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Terry the Mad man

2009-10-02T13:15:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to be on a blog-fast till the 5th of Oct but screw dat lol. I've been looking through my drafts thinking of what to post but I believe the 2 day adventure I had between thursday(yesterday) and friday (today) was divinely designed to trump all drafts and make u laugh ur (effing) socks off. I don't know how long this post will be but I assure that after reading this ur boss, roommate, flatmate or whoever is in d vicinity will be looking for a straight jakced for you on ebay.

I just completed a 2 day training course for a job with London undergraound and during this course I met Terry and it was after this same course that I added another descriptive phrase to his name, "Mad man" Terry was our Trainer and form teh moment I walked into that class I knew shit was going to happen. Before he began the course he asked us all to write our names on d white plague place before us and introduce ourselves, one by one he asked us our names, age, occupation, our hobbies and if we drank or smoked. When he pointed at me I introudced myself, "Robert Scribbles, I'm 21 and a student studying Strategic Business IT and I like to draw and write, I don't drink and I don't smoke", he cocks his head and says "I think there are some pple who just make up names and say that's what they are studying in school, you say u don't drink and smoke? Do u do drugs?" I smile, "No I don't do drugs" "Well do u like women cos u've got to have some weakness?" "Yes I do like women Terry", "Took you long enuf to reply...u sure u don't like men?" I laugh it off and we finally start the class. During the class he starts talking about Underground tracks and how pple trip on the rails and get electrocuted. He asks if we've ever crossed live rail tracks, we all say yes, he turns to me and asks "Robert is it? Did u get an erection when u crossed d live rails?" I nearly fall of my chair but I still reply "No I didn't Terry" "Well dats gud son, at my age dats the only way we can get one of those anymore". He keeps talking and half way through the class he says "Have you ever gotten sooooo drunk, so fucking blitzed that you start to see Green gorillas under your bed? Oh sorry Robert you don't drink...mummy'll spank you if you did right?", at this point the whole class, including myself, have reaslised that for d duration of this course I will be dat guy who d teacher picks on constantly.

He goes on with the lecture and then he stops again and says "You guys are on this course to better yourselves, you want to make more money and have more responsibility right? You want to be like me, on my level? The thing is you only get to my level when after you're done giving the nasty to a woman she takes a deep breath and says "Ooooh thank you" for me it takes 3-4 hours but for you Robert I think 2-3 minutes" everyone bursts out laughing, even me, it's so funny that I spill coffee on d desk and this gives Terry another chance to hit me below d belt, "Oh look at that! Robert has just spilt coffee all over his lovely jacket, mummy's gonna be very cross with you son, we'll now call you Mr. A.P cos u are fucking accident prone son". He gives us a 15 minute break and I walk to d nearest shopping centre to check out books. I'm looking at books nd trying to pick one I'd like to read when I realise I've spent about 20mins in d store, "SHIT!!!" echoes through my mind nd I run out the store back to class, by the time I get there everyone's sitting nd taking notes, Terry turns to me and says "Where d fucking hell have you been?" "Sorry Terry, I was at the shopping centre and..." he cuts me off and retorts"Oh you were at the shopping centre were you? Looking at a couple of shoes and scarfs were we? forgot you were on a course today? well you are 15 mins late son and I am not going to repeat myself! Sit down!" He continues the class and goes on for about an hour without teasing me and just when I'm about to let my guard down he turns to me and says "What's your name again? Anthony? Gerald? Ringo?...Gladys? Well Gladys since you are a graduate you must be able to handle this simple math problem? If it takes us 20 seconds to walk from point A to point B and it takes the train 39 seconds to get from Point C to Point B, do u think we can get to point B before we are smashed by the train taking into account an additional 50% of our estimated time to the estimated time?" Now you know ur boy cannot dull so I answered him "Well it takes the train 39 seconds to get to point B nd if we add d additional 50% it'll take us a total of 30 seconds to get to point B. We can get to Point B b4 d train gets to our position". "Well aren't we bright nd sparky? Your not as thick as you look son" once again everyone burts into fits of laughter...including me. The class ends and just when I'm about to sneeak out he says "Ringo, you'll be in charge of class tomorrow, I'll want you to do a lil question and answer session b4 d final assessment, when do u want these fellas to be in class tomorrow?" I say 9am, he says 8am, we agree on 8:30am and I go home feeling tired and tormented.

It takes me an 1hr and 30mins to get to class from my house, we're supposed to be there at 8:30 but at 8:00am I was still in bed, my alarm didn't ring at 6am as it was supposed to cos d battery dies during d night and when I woke up and saw d static hands on d clock I knew sommething was wrong, I picked up my watch, saw that it was 8:17am nd screamed "SHHHHIIT" all d way to d bathroom. I got there at 9:30am nd as I walked into d class Terry glanced towards me nd said "WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN? WHERE IN D WORLD HAVE U BEEN? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN CHARGE TODAY AND YOU COME IN LATE? GOODNESS ME MAN YOU ARE AS THICK AS A BRICK AREN'T YOU?" I sha make my way to my seat nd handle d Q&A session with d fellas, he asks us to do a presentation on any topic we want, first guy talks about his days in d army, second guy talks about his job as an estate agent, third guy talks about his dyslexia (learning disorder), fourth guy was me and I talked about Football and how I'm crap at playing it in real life, My love for Man utd, My love for to writing and drawinng and the little caricature I did of Terry d day b4 which I didn't want anyone to see, Teryy seems interested in my presentation now and asks 4 d caricature, I tell him I left is at home "Well that's bloody useful isn't it? Are you dyslexic or are you just thick like that?" Once again d class is filled with laughter and I walked back to my seat smiling. He later finishes d lecture and tells us that the cut-off mark for the assessment is 80 out of 100, we take d test, I score 97 out of 100. and on d back of my sheet he writes:

"Robert, you are a cracking guy and I intentionally picked on you throughout this course to see how you handle yourself. Even though you need mentoring for this job I realised that you are a confident and enthusiastic young man and with yoru brains you'll do fine here."

I take my certificate nd as I leave d class he calls me, shakes my hand and says "It was a pleasure having you here, hope to see u again son. I like you, very good lad...now off u go with your fucking self"

My penance

2009-09-28T13:02:00.000-07:00

So I haven't been a good blogger PERIOD! I don't read, I don't comment and I don't even post anymore. Blame it on addictive social networking sites and impulsive social networking in real-life. I humbly seek ur forgiveness blogsville and to show that I'm a changed man I will go on a blog-fast. I will not blog for seven days and I'll use these seven days to ransack every update and post I haven't read yet! It's a long thing but notin dey happen! Shey una forgive me shey?

Next Update: 5th october 2009.

A whole week?!!!

2009-09-25T01:37:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a week....dat is just wrong...what is happening to me? You know what the problem is? TWITTER!!! Lord help us all, Twitter is....some addictive sh*t! I swear I have woken up everyday after joining simply wanted to tweet. You see you can never understand the magnitude of Twitter until u join, you'll never know how engaging it is until you follow someone and then someone else follows you and then you end up following 145 pple and 178 are following you and you can't think straight. You think it's just a glorified version of FB's status updates? YES it is and it packs alot of glory mehn. I apologe for not reaching these endz all this while, I apologise for not commenting on my fav blogs and updating mine as well, I apologise for going AWOL altogether but trust me Twitter is d bomdigidi!!!

I was in d barbershop getting a haircut last week, it's a unisex salon so there were some women in d salon getting their hair done as well. There was a TV there and Ricki Lake was on at the time. They were talking about women who wanted to get platic surgery and as u can already imagine a major part of the show settled on breast augmentation. As you can imagine my attention was divided, on one hand I wanted to hear and see what these women had against their own boobs and on the other hand I had to keep my head still so that the Barber wudn't slice my head open with his clipper. As the show went on teh women in teh salon began to argue and I must confess that I was more irritated than interested. You'd think that hearing women talk about their boobs wud interst me but not these women oh, they managed to turn one of the most cherished appendages of a woman into a friggin science experiment. One woman, who looks like she's in her late 40's, stood up, grabbed her flappy boobs and measured it with another women's! It was hilarious and irritating I tell you. You know d problem? I cudn't leave, cos I was getting a haircut and didn't want to be seen around town looking like Mr T from The A-Team. I sat there for 30 minutes as they compared and contrasted Bra sizes, screamed at some of the women on the TV who they thot didn't need plastic surgery and concluded in unison that men shud be blamed for it all. I left that barbershop feeling abused and violated by these women.

Funniest thing happened a few days ago. Okay my Uncle was in d storage room a few days back and saw a mouse, we were sha vexed dat a mouse cud get into d storage room so I bought a mouse trap and set it at the door of the store leaving it slightly ajar. Two days later I'm in d living room, my baby cousin, 2, is runnign around d house and runs out of the living room screaming in a language I will never understand. Anyway I'm sitting there, alone in d sitting room when I hear a 'SNAP' outside d room, next thing my cousin runs into the room screaming and waddling. I ask her what teh problem is but the kid is too shaken to reply and onlfy after a while did i notice dat there was a mousetrap on one of her toes. I actaullay laughed for about ten seconds b4 taking it off. Now she must know how Jerry feels whenever Tom catches him in one of those things hehe. Thank goodness it was this oyibo type mousetrap and not those ones in naija with the jagged mouth dat look like they've been designed to catch Ojuju calaba.

Have you ever thought about the phrase 'Funny as hell'. It always makes me wonder I tell you. If we were to analyse the etymology of this word our findings wud be really bizzare if not disturbing. We shall therefore assume that a comedian journeyed to the depths of hades just to bring us this phrase. He probably did a show for all d minions of evil and just to show their appreciation they branded his jokes 'Funny as hell'. I mean the origin of this phrase is in the words itself...FUNNY AS HELL!!!

Okay I'm off to Twitter...been sitting here for about 20 minutes and bodi don dey scratch me so see u soon...I hope

YOU GO FEAR NAW!!!

2009-09-18T03:26:00.000-07:00

My baby cousin is going to have a first birthday soon and guess what my Aunt and Uncle had decided to do? They want me to be the MC at the party, YOU GO FEAR NAW!! I am still tryin to figure out if it's a priviledge they want to give me or a crafty way of saving money cos they know I'll do it for free. The only issue is I've never MCed b4 and don't even know what I'm supposed to do. Abeg blogsville make una help me abeg, what am I supposed to do? They told me that I'm funny and I should just be natural but I keep having flashbacks of my Final year defence where I was drippign in sweat, my Secondary school award night where I nearly fainted and Primary school christmas carol where I cudn't stop waving at my parents lol...of which I'm planning on charging dem sef, wat do they mean lol.

I have an Uncle who drives the most run-down car you've ever seen in your life. The car is so beat-up dat the police give you a trophy if they catch you speeding, it's so beat-up that traffic lights always turn green wen he drives by cos they don't want it hanging around too long, it's so beat-up that Al-Qaeda can't use it for a car bomb cos it's bad PR. So one day Uncle Felix came to the house nd announced he was buying a new car, we were so thrilled ehn, nearly pop champagned for the man. We were all congratulating him when he made another announcement, he said he didn't want to sell the old man but wants to give it to me....YOU GO FEAR NAW! I'd rather ride on London's crowded buses and share MY air with smelly strangers at tube stations than be caught in Uncle Felix's 'embarrasmobile'. Maybe d man feel sey en dey do me favour? Well thanks but no thanks, allow me to dey use leg go supermarket abeg! If I drive that thing for a month it'd be better for me to go gay cos no woman will ever speak to me again, if I drive dat thing to a car wash d attendatns will slap me, If i drive dat thing to church they'll ask d car for a prayer request! Mba! not me oh, my God has bigger things planned for me.

I saw something quite weird a few days ago and I'll let you guys decided wat was really going on. I was walking past a restaurant and I saw this woman hugging a kid by a car. It was a very intimate hug nd it just seemed weird. She had was squatting, rubbing his back nd then slowly she reached down, grabbed d boys butt nd squeezed it...YOU GO FEAR NAW! You know d way Kanye hugs nd grabs Amber? yeah like dat! that's how dis woman was grabbing this kid. At this point the only thing I cud hear 4rm my earphones was static, my jaw nearly fell from my face, I just stood there staring as this woman as she continued grabbing and sqeezing this boy's pre-school butt. It's not like he was a dwarf or something oh, dis one na confirmed pikin so abeg somebody help me explain this cos d weirdness of it all is quite confusing. Didn't know whether to call d police or R Kelly's therapist...Oooooh snap!!!!

Tonto is the Koko

2009-09-16T04:33:00.000-07:00

~BABY BOO, SUGAR MI', SWEETY CHEEKS~

Baba God see me oh! Dis babe n'agbaka m isi! she dey scatter my head into many many pieces biko! My pple wahala dey!!! Sir Scribbles II, that is me, don enter gbase. Her name is Tonto Dikeh or should I say Mrs. Tonto Scribbles...ah d name fit sef! but the name is not improtant, the issue at hand is that if you know this babe, if she is your relative, friend, schoolmater, neighbour, customer, infact if you have spent more than five minutes in the same room with this piece of african goodness you must forward all details to me ASAP. I no dey follow una play oh, when Love is involved nobody supposed dey joke nd I am ready to chook pesin bottle and keep chooking until someone spills her email address. KAI! Tonto...Omoge u go wound pesin oh! Shey I never mad as I dey like dis? I'm sorry Megan Good but Tonto na d way forward now oh, besides wetin Umunna go talk wey I carry Black Oyibo reach village. I've heard so many stories about you Tonto but all is forgiven, I forgive you because love is forgiving and it is all inconsequencial cos it's in the past. All dem Nollywood actors wey dem eye dey chook wen dem see fine babe make una hands off oh! Una no reach, no mind Jim Iyke and hyperactive acting skills or Emeka Ike who is more bush than posh or Desmond Elliot who's chewed his fingernail so much that each finger has a different flavour or that Maga Saint Obi who's acting skills lead me to beleive that he's African China's estranged father. Baby girl na you nd no one else oh, HELL NO WE WANT TONTO!!!!!!!!! I wrote this while thinking of you Tonto:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My sister seize TV
come force me watch naija movie
I dey vex cos I no like all these home movies
but today I no wan argue so I just fashi
I just dey watch as Jim Iyke dey shout, d guy sef dey vex me
and Nkiru Sylvanus dey cry, na d only thing wey she sabi
then suddenly
from the corner of the screen
like sey she dey stand beside my TV
waka enter one beauitful beauty
d babe scatter my head thoroughly
and d way she dey waka dey spin my brain seriously
sharp sharp I rush go google
cos I be sharp boy and my mama didn't raise no mugu
Babe your face dey tie my eye,
you dey make my medulla hyper
you dey make my heart get attack
if na you be the reason why dem born me
then time don reach to fulfill my destiny
Tonto
na u biko
You are the koko
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Feed the ego

2009-09-13T02:59:00.000-07:00

I have been instructed to inform you that Leggychukwu has moved house and now resides at
leggymoved.blogspot.com.

I was cleaning up my draft inventory when I came across the manuscript for this post, I wanted to talk about this a long time ago but I think I got distracted with my 50th post propaganda, yeah the draft is dat old. Recently, a couple of my close friends have had some unsavory experiences and running into the draft today felt quite serendipitious. Who else is more qualified to talk about the male ego than moi, a male with an ego. As I wrote this my ideas seemed to unceasing so this is only a fraction of my opnion on this matter.

We all have egos, that's pretty basic and evident, some bigger than others and some more gluttonous than required. Whether a man realises it or not he lives his life in order to please his ego and it in turn defines a substantial part of him. The ego defines the man and the way he feeds it defines the nature of the ego.

Now since the ego influences a major part of our lives it usually affects most of our decisions and actions. You want to know why a guy will continue pestering a girl even when she's rejected him so many times to the point of dejection? It's cos most male ego thrives on challenge and the possibility of conquest. Why will a married man with a loving family choose to have a jump-off on d side? it's cos risk is like adrenaline for some egos. Why will a man who knows a lady is being courted by several other men still be optimistic enough to believe he will end up with her? It's cos the ego is always starving and survives on challenges spiced with competition. Men are built to compete whether we accpet it or not, we are designed to rate ourselves with others and depending on the nature of the ego a man will either want to be more or want others to be less.

Egos can be constructive or destructive, Most men will refuse to adopt self growth and improvement and prefer to pull others below them in an attempt to appease and benchmark their ego. Egos are constructive and destructive but also subjective, this means that different men have different ego treats. Money, Cars, Clothes, Sex and Power are just some of the treats an ego can snack on. A workaholic needs to feeds is ego with success, a gigolo needs to feed his ego with women and sex, a wife beater needs to feed his ego with hurt. I had to insert the last example cos it's something which bothers and annoys me. It's pure common sense which is cloudy by unrealistic fear and dependency. If a man treats a woman worse than he treats his car, phone or job then isn't it sensible for her to realise that on his priority meter, scale of preference and/or affection bar you are less important than a phone. Do u think I'm veering of fthe subject matter? Well I'm not, cos like everything else, the ego has a role to play in this as well. Why do you think a man will pester you for months and when you finally do have sex he won't call you? Conquest. Why do u think he's cheating on you with your best friend? Risk. Why do you think he says he loves you just to get in knickers? Reward. Why do you think he won't stop bugging you even though you have a boyfriend? Challenge. I could go on for ages but I'll assume you get the point.

So how does this apply to relationships? It's quite simple, a productive ego will want to grow and improve for the partner while a destructive ego will want accept stagnation and look to reduce others. A productive ego will not compete with others but compete with itself, it will challenge itself to surpass itself and spur the man to be better as long as there's a reward in sight. A man will only envy his more successful partner because his ego demands she be the lesser of the two, A man will only hit his woman because his ego depends on a show of superiority based on force and violence, A man will always want to show love and affection because his ego will starve if he doesn't, A man will want to give his woman everything because if he doesn't his ego will be restless. I hope I'm making sense to you because this is one of those posts where I know I'm producing a nuclear amount of sense.

The idea of happiness in a relationship is bipartite and must be mutual. This post has leaned towards the male perspective and in your spare time you can talk about how to make a woman happy but the following sentence is simply the fundamental of male happiness, A productive ego must be fed and a destructive one deserves starvation.

Just a thought...LOL!

2009-09-11T09:21:00.001-07:00

Ahn ahn, una no even halla sey Sir Scribbles no dey yarn liek b4, wiv all thsio 100th post talk and Mumsy gist I have strayed away from the foundation of this blog, the basis of my posts and the soul of my writtings. Oya back to business, Sir Scribbles has few observatiosn and opnions and once again the requirements are a very vivid imagination and a love for absolute nonsense lol.

We all know the stories about wise tortoise and how he scammed half the animal kingdom but nobody has ever asked why tortoise was so successful? I mean tortoise scammed the elephant and took his chieftancy title, scammed the hare and wrecked his self esteem and let's not forget he scammed the birds into giving him an I.V to their heavenly owambe. After all this you'd think all the other animals wud think twice before accepting an offer from this devious reptile but no they didn't! It started as whispers in the jungle, rumours exchanged ears and all the animals gasped as they read the front page of Great Vine news the next day, their king, their leader, their only hope for a solution to tortoise's tyranny had been overthrown in a bloodless coup by none other than the shattered shelled one. How you still remain the king of the jungle baffles me but Lion, if you are reading this, I have one word for you....MUGU!

I'm sure most of you are familiar with this lullaby

Rock-a-bye baby, in the treetop,
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall,
And down will come baby, cradle and all.

Abeg make una look this thing well ehn, how is this supposed to make a baby sleep? infact any child with diaper's worth of an imagination should hear this lullaby and immediately assume it is a death threat! It's all fine and dandy for the first two lines until the third line where the child is told that the bough on which the cradle it sleeps in rests will break and the child will plummet to it's death. Seriously ehn, who sets their baby's cradle on a tree? infact this lullaby is an evidence of parental negligence as well as a threat on the child's life cos only the most cavalier of parents will let their baby go to sleep on a tree branch. If I be pikin and I hear mumsy or popsy dey sing this song I no go even watse time, na to just throway sucker , jump cradle and pick race GBAM! why threaten me when you cud have just gotten an abortion.

It's Mummy season...

2009-09-09T01:23:00.000-07:00

So Mumsy is around...again! This post is just a recap of the 'going-downs' since she stepped into this house...by now u shud know wat to expect

Her first night here was christened with her bed collapsing in the middle of the night. I was In the living room at 2am when I heard a loud 'BANG' and 'KABOOM' from the bedroom. The next thing that echoed from the bedroom, down the staircase and into the living room was a loud "ROBBBBBBYYYYYYY!!!!" I ran upstairs and there, amongst the pile of wood, duvet and pillows was my mumsy shaking her head in acceptance that the holiday with her children had begun in the finest of ways. Seeing as I love DIY, I decided to fix the bed myself and even though Mumsy begged me to let her buy a new one I refused and the next day I drilled and hammered the bloody thing back into shape. Two nights later, like an irritating deja vu, I heard the crashing sound from the bedroom again and the same name being screamed from the bedroom, only this time it sounded more accusing than a cry for help. I ran up to the room and once again, in a heap of wood, blankets and bedsheets lay my mum preparing a 15 minute speech on how my refusal to listen to her is connected to every problem in my life and with the world at large. She actually found a way to connect my stubborness with my addiction/love of chinese food and my cousin's love for white girls, the ways she does this is still beyond me I tell you.

One fine fall morning I was crashing in the living room because when Mumsy is around we end up revamping our sleeping arrangements and I usually end up on the couch. I'm crashing on the couch and I realise that across the room mumsy is seated with my laptop staring excitedly at the screen. Initially I wasn't bothered and drifted back into sleep, then several scenarios started playing out in my head, what if she found my blog? what if she found out how many times she'd featured in my posts? what of she read my emails?, what if she reached the facebook endz? A few minutes later she answered my question by asking me a question. "Robby" she said, "How do I add you to my facebook account?". I was awake and alert immdiately because someone had just set fire to the mountain, "Your account" I asked, "Yes oh, Mrs Olu has been pestering me to join so I decided to just join the thing, how can I add you?", "Well Mummy I'm not on Facebook anymore because it ended being a waste of my time and I heard people nick youe details and use it for malicious stuff" The lie flowed from my lips marinated in guilt. "Oh okay, well it's just so that I can say I'm on facebook and Mrs Olu can get off my back". I must admit I felt guilty but what's guilt compared to my Mumsy reading and commenting on my status updates.

We all went to wedding together and weren't we looking smashing! I was proud of the Scribbles mehn, Scribbles dudes in suits and Scribble Gurls in gowns. The bride and groom are really close family friends so we were feeling a bit special because we knew almost every member of the family, I say 'we' in an attempt to disguise the fact that it was just me being subtly smug. So the newly weds did were having their first dance and it was all mushy mushy with people awwwing and oooing everywhere. Then after the ceremonial dance the song changed and so did the tempo, it was all fine and normal when they were playing the old skool song which I have no details on ATM, mumsy decided to spray money on them, a notion I thought was illegal in london and knew Popsy wud be livid over. As the oldskool tune played mumsy sprayed and when she was done and about to leave the dancefloor the DJ went mental, Yemi Sax's 'Bere mole' blasted form the speakers and I could not help myself. With no younger babes on dancefloor I seized mumsy and was surprised to see she had started boogying before me sef. It was hilarious, Mother and Son grooving on the dancefloor and my cousin, also at the wedding, went crazy with her camera. Now you'd think the DJ wud behave himself and let us leave but NO! 'Ara ga gba ndiara' followed and then 'Fokasibe' and then Kelly Handsome's 'Like play like play'. At this point I was not myself again, I was busting out different versions of yahoozee and even attempted a posh looking version of alanta, mumsy was dropping some old skool moves as much as her joints would permit, Me and mumsy were just singing along with the choruses of each song and my sis and bro were laughing their butts off at the table. It was only when we had finally returned to our seats that I realised Mumsy ad been singin along with every naija song that had come on....pesin don dey spoil dat woman sha.

Her birthday is tomorrow the 10th and as usual it's going to be quiet cos she loves it quiet. We'll probably just surprise her at 12am cos right now we are all acting like we've forgotten. You'd think that after years of pulling thr same stunt it'd get old but it hasn't, every year we surprise her at 12am and I think she likes it more than she let's us know. However, after all this I would like Popsy to come and carry his wife cos I don tire, I love this woman mehn but for that love to remain she must be at least a continent awat from me. ttyl pples!

Make way, Buju Boy coming through...

2009-09-03T02:31:00.000-07:00

Been madly occupied lately but by next week the buju boy will be back on track. However, more pressing matters brought me here today...

2 Scribblessians 3 v 14
"and it shal come to pass, after 5 score treatises, one shall come forth from the midst of the eastern men and declare a desire to lead the musers and meditators into an era of untold abundance. He will ride in the company of the men of coal skin and with a fiery eyes blazing like a furnace he shall point to the promised land and the people will be compelled to follow"

So you see people, I did not choose this, rather, it chose me. The prophecy speaks of one who will come from the midst of the eastern men (Anambara State), after 5 score treatises (100 posts), to lead the musers and meditators (Blogsville) into an era of untold abundance. It says he will ride in the company of the men of coal skin (Buju boys) and with fiery eyes blazing like a furnace he shall point to the promised land and the people will be compelled to follow (Let's go there!!!!!)

Now only one who knows the intricacies of blogging and every corner of blogsville should even come close to running for mayor right? Well Sir Scribbles cannot boast that he has ben there and done that but what I can say is Sir Scribbles has ben busy and research carried out in conjuction with The Scribbles Institute of Blog Dynamics has unearthed many factors and tendcies common in this community. Here are seven blog/blogger/reader tendenices we have uncovered.

Disclaimer: Research is still in the alpha phase but if u feel slighted by our findings then dat one na 4 ur pocket...or u can jump inside empty swimming pool.

1. Readers like pictures but loathe videos. They are helpless when it comes to viewing uploaded pics cos looking at pics is both involuntary and effortless, they are there are the human eyes is a biological amebor and can't help but see them. But with videos, the reader gets defensive and says "So you want me to watch your video? you expect me to drag my mouse cursor over to your little play button, click play, wait for it to buffer and watch 7mins of absolute nonsense? U must think I am jobless? I will not watch the video but since I'm a nice person I'll say "Nice video" when I'm commenting.

2. If you want to be loved you must first love, show love and you'll get love in return, in blogsville love is measured in comments, bloggers may love comments whether long or short, bland or elaborate but what bloggers hate is patronisind blog ads. Do not drop comments like "Nice blog, check out mine at www.xxxxx.blogspot.com". Bloggers find it quite rude and insensitive and usually end up not checking out the blog. Majority of the readers and bloggers who add the phrase "Nice blog you have here, will definitely come back" never actually come back.

3. Word verification is like snoring, the snorer/blogger never knows how annoying it is and commentators never really bring it up unless they lose sleep/comments because of it.

4. In blogsville everyone is a friend, an e-relation or a soul mate...until you share your views on sexuality, religion or discard anonymity.

5. Depending on your preferences, the fastest way to gather followers and raise comment frequency is to add an "Adult content warning to your blog" and meet the expectations by providing said adult content.

6. Anonymous bloggers must be aware of the risks of meeting up with fellow bloggers outside blogsville, keep the hook ups to a minimum and you'll be fine, meet too many and your anonymity will make no sense. In the end, you will slowly begin to lose touch with your own posts and your blog as a whole.

7. Controversy, Humour, Gossip and Sex are the Four cardinal points of a frequently patronised blog. If you currently have just 2 followers and a post-comment ratio of 3:1 then you may conisider being freakishly blunt about yourself or sensitive issues, adopting a more comical approach to your musings, talking smack about other people for no lucidly conceivable reason or giving us the 411 on any and all nookie u have gotten, are getting or intend to get.

see y'all soon I hope, i get plenty gist no worry, Make I tease una small, A few days ago....My mumsy joined facebook!

100th edition. Spoof Campaign: LET'S GO THERE...

2009-09-02T13:30:00.001-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, beautiful people of Blogsville, a century of blogging has finally been reached, a glorious milestone acheived and a new era has begun. It is with immense joy in my heart that I blog before you today to make this announcement. I, Sir Scribbles II, am running for Mayor of Blogsville. Some may ask what makes him so special, he hasn't even been here a year and he wants to be Mayor, a century of posts doesn't mean he can lead us, there are others who have twice as many posts. To these critics I say; where are these people when leaders are needed? Where are these more qualified bloggers when a shoulder is needed to carry responsibility of the masses...Where dem dey? Nowhere is the answer my fellow bloggers, in the midst of blog wars, hater comments, gossip folk and an emergence from a blog recession no one will choose to take responisibility and become the face for the faceless and the shoulder for the shoulderless. I have stepped forward and stepped up, to lead the masses and guide the bloggers, to touch your hearts and feed your souls, to point to progress and say....LET'S GO THERE!

Ladies and Gentlemen, who sure pass sure boy? Who maga pass maga? If you maga pass maga you go surely wound! The BUJU BOYS PEOPLE'S PARTY is the only way forward, a party of the blogger by the blogger for the blogger. No be sey one-thing two-thing, we are here to take you there! We are taking over and with the needs of the blogger at heart and the fire of determination burning deep within us we will deliver.

Now I will answer questions that you, the wonderful people of blogsville chose to send in. I am not afraid to share myself with the people, what sort of leader would hide from his followers? These are your questions, unedited and as pure as you asked.... But una sha dey mad! I remeber saying that I doubted anyone could come up with questions that would fluster me...oh I was so wrong!

What will you spend most of the time, which you've used to blog, on if you didn't do any blog-related stuff?
Blogging doesn't take up most of my time ironically, the amount of time I spend of updateing and commenting is quite miniscule compared to some people. If I didn't have I blog I think I'd spend my time reading cook books, learning to play the piano and learning a new language, probably french or spanish.

Do You think Slim Shady is 'childish' for dissing MC and Nick and do you think MC was childish for singing Obsessed?
I've always believed that grown men don't kiss and tell, the answer is yes, Eminem is being petty and even though we've come to expect some brash and non chalant behaviour from him I think what he did was an inappropriate attempt at an ego trip as well as petty. Besides I think it was just an attempt to publicise his comeback album 'Relapse', many artist have used "beef" to sell records, and this might just have been another marketing strategy for Slim Shady. As for Mariah and 'obsessed', I say it was self defence, I like Eminem btu sometimes a bully needs to be stood up to rather than ignored. She could have handled it in a number of ways and in my opinion people like Eminem needa dose of their own medicine to set them straight.

Who are ur celeb and blogsville crushes?
Megan Good and Scarlet Johanson, these two women can threaten any relationship and even marriage lol. As for blogsville crushes, if I'd had just one I would have answered this question in a heartbeat, but I haven't and therefore cannot give you an answer, however I do give myself away sometimes...if you are still curious then you have your work cut out for you.

What inspired you to start blogging?
How I started blogging? Well it was Exschoolnerd's idea. I was talking to her a while back and halfway through the conversation she told me to start blogging ASAP. I asked why and she said it's cos I was awesome (her words not mine...she'll deny it but have I have proof). Immediately she said it everything just clicked cos in addition to my many sketchbooks and journals I've been looking for another way to express myself as well as broaden my horizon so I guess that's why I started blogging...to express myself.

How do I come wiv these things?

Like I said in the blog(s)ville gist Interview, I honestly do not know and I'm telling the truth, it just comes to me unexpectedly. Lately I've had alot of time on my hands sha and my inspiration is random and undefined really. It's like I said "A week in my mind and you won't want to go home...guaranteed!"

When was your first kiss?
Ah that was a long time ago, I was like 13 then, abi 14?...can't really remember. Didn't even know what I was doing, I sha knew that it felt good and consequently it led to other things...what I do remember is that the babe was waaaay more experienced than me...I'm surprised she didn't give me hadnouts and lecture notes afterwards

Describe your ideal woman.
My ideal woman is quite awesome as well, most def she must have a good sense of humour, should be stylish and know what makes her look good, God fearing, intelligent and ambitious. Creative and focused. I like a woman who I can grow with, someone who I can teach and learn from, someone who I can grow with rather than meet up with. My ideal woman knows how to appreciate the little things and big gestures alike....plus she must sabi kiss die!

What is/are your ultimate goal(s)?
Well all this book I am reading and planning to read no be for play-play. TBH I want to be comfortable, I want a loving wife, 3 or 4 kids, equally spread across both genders. I want to be able to spend money not thinking of how I'll get it back but knowing I'll get it back, I want to either own a consultancy or be a friggin big shot in someone else's. I have a very active mind and don't want to get stuck in a dead end dulling job playing minesweeper during office hours and I want to contibute something to people's lives near and far.

What is your major in school.
I'm doing my postgraduates in Strategic Business IT

What's your Igbo name?
Lol....it's Odera

What inspires you?
Alot of things inspire me, I get inspired by people alot, people who've gone through similar things like myself, people who I want to be like or even be better than, people's visions and success. Sometimes I even inspire myself by simply recalling moments where I triumphed and overcame certain challenges. However, if your question refers to my awesomeness then I can tell you that Ineed not be inspired to be awesome because na so dem born me lol.

What turns you on?
Very simple, If a girl walked up to me wearing a tank top, shorts and french knickers
underneath and started telling me how her Laptop's Intel integrated graphics card was so useless compared to her desktop's dedicated one....I'd be absolutely helpless

What turns you off?
Bad manners, excessive make-up, Body odour, improper use of high heeled shoes, ignorance and stereotyping.

Most treasured possession
My laptop, if you take it away you'd better replace it with Megan Good or a straight jacket

If you could change one thing about yourself it will be?
I want a ponytail, oh you mean change not add shey? Well, I want to be less rational, take more risks and live more in the moment sometimes

What kind of man are you, Boobs or Bum?
Disclaimer: I have a brains over boobs principle and only consider a woman's physical structure after verifying her intellectual potency. That being said...I am a Boob man lol.

Have you ever been asked to stick anything in ur bum?
No...where did you even get this question biko?

Are you a Virgin? If No, detail your first.
You do realise that every man in the world wakes up each day a virgin, even if you've shagged an army of women once a dude gets up 4rm bed in the morning he is a virgin lol. That being said, I am not a virgin and then again I think I am, I think I've gone all the but my memory is fuzzy...maybe it's because it was so long ago. Well I was 13...abi 14...can't remember really. Her name was Felicia, she was waaaay older than me like I said b4 and waaay hornier sef. It started with smal-small play play, touch me I touch you, then one day, we were at home alone, I was watching Cousin Skeeter in my room, she came in, play play started and then next thing I knew boobs were in my hands and I didn't know what to do with them lol. I think I remember doing more explicit things but like I said it's all a bit fuzzy...infact I am still a virgin abeg...I want to be a virgin cos if that was my first time I messed it up bad! Felicia if you are reading this I would like to say I am sorry...sorry I had waaaaaaayy more fun than you did. LMAO!

Why be sey an only ur Mama you dey talk about?
Well I do talk about my dad and didn't even realise I talked about my mum so much until the Blog(s)ville Gist Interview. My Dad is an awesome guy, we are alike in many ways, too many sef, I'm like the Dj Khaled remix of him, same song, different artists. Sometimes it's both fun and scary to be this similar but my popsy is a cool guy, he's a bit reserved and doesn't really do 'bloggable' stuff. I just felt blogging about Mumsy wanting to break my head was more fun than blogging about my popsy and he's addiction to TIME magazine.

What's ur most embarassing moment?
There are plenty as you might imagine but if I was to pick one I'd have to say Sec School, SS2. Class prefect nomination and election day, they all screamed that I shud be nominated and I put my hand up for nomination along with 2 other dudes in my class. Oya make una vote now, they all voted and when form teacher counted the votes it was just unbelievable. Dozie 15. Osi 18. Robby 1. I swear this is not a joke...the only person that voted for me was myself.
**************************************************************************************

There, I have answered them all, shey I no try? Now that I am one with the masses and have nothing to hide I ask of you one favour, look deep inside your hearts and your wallets, consider the community and how much this campaign will cost, sum it all up in ur mind and your chequebooks and make a contibution to blogsville and it's destined Mayor. With your help we can effect change and restore order. Let the sure boy lead you, Sir Scribbles II, a true Buju for Blogsville...LET's GO THERE!!!

100th Teaser

2009-08-30T10:00:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen! We are nearly there and the 100th post is at arm's length now. In anticipation of this glorious milestone, I have taken the liberty of providing you with a little trailer. Now as usual I request just one thing from you and it is that you watch this video. If you're at work, carry system enter toilet. If you are in school tell your lecturer to wait. The koko is that u must watch this video. Infact, should I list all the peopel I expect to watch this video? Maybe I should:

1. Everybody
2. All of you
3. If you just read everything before this line.

Una must watch the video o! Here it is pple, The teaser for The Royal Scribbles 100th post

~ONE NAZI MAGA~

If you don't know now u know...

2009-08-29T01:12:00.000-07:00

So 2 more posts to go...*rubs palms in excitement* a new era is imminent and men of valour have to stand up and be counted...

I had to single this question out cos answering it in my 100th post wud be a very long thing so today, in this post, I will talk about myself and women.

I know some of the more 'in-touch' pple among you will cringe at the thot of this expose but no, it isn't an expose...trust me!

I also forsee a lengthy post, skimming will be ur loss cos I'm not repeating this ever again.

Okay where do I begin? I'd like to lay a foundation first, I am not like every other guy, analyse that as u like, it's not me being conceited it's me being self- aware. The way I think and operate aren't conevntional, I also understand myself to a confident degree and putting all these things together makes me believe, sorry know, that I am not like every other guy. Stereotype classifications don't work with me whether it's an attempt at identifying me or pointing out what I'm attracted me. Also, I am a romantic, if you did not know this by now then you are on a long thing! Some men don't like to admit it but I ain't scared, I like the ol' sweep a girl of her feet, candlelight dinner, breakfast in bed, Roses and candy after work. I like to woo a girl wiv every weapon in my arsenal, I do not plan, strategies or manipulate, I prefer to let the feelings lead the actions, most times the head nd the heart aren't always in unison when it comes to boy-girl attractions but for me there has to be a consensus between the two b4 I proceed. Most times when I think I've let my heart get the best of me and fear the consequences I realise my head actually allowed me to take the risk, the realisation ultimately leads to an assurance in my own actions.

So you are wondering why I haven't talked about crushes, girlfriends flings and all that shey? No vex oh but that one sef na long thing. I actually realised that the amount of pple who read this blog is way bigger than the estimate I had in my head the the consequnces of such an elaborate detailing of my relationships will be dire, it's the curse of the semi-anonymous I suppose. My reluctance towards talking about them is purely cos I feel the need to respect their privacy whether they read this or not. Besides I believe grown men don't kiss and tell and even though you may not be expecting me to give any names I am pretty sure if some pple were to read what I wrote they'd feel exposed even if it's a little bit.

I am happy about one thing though when it comes to women, I know what I like. I am not confused or indecisive about my attraction to a women, I know when I like someone and I don't question myself further when I make this conclusion. It's a connection thing, If I connect with you, during a 5 mjin conversation or a month of phonecalls then I don connect and there's really nothing I or you can say to change my mind. This doesn't mean you are immdiately put on a hit list and must be chased by moi, it simply means that if an opportunity should present itself where moves can be made then precious time will ntot be wasted on weighing feelings because it has already been settle that I have connected.

Seeing as I am considerd a nice person some will think this is an avenue to exploit, WRONG! I ain't no mugu! If there's anything I hate more than peas in fried rice it's a woman who wants to exploit a good thing. Maybe that's why they say I'm not steady, I am uber steady mehn, it's d manipulation that ticks me off. You are dealing with a nice guy and if that's something u feel u can exploit then I'm out the door b4 u can say AWOOF!

So you are thinking, Robby Scribbles meets a girl and immediately takes out an asssessment sheet and starts ticking off things he likes and doesn't like shey? far from it. No one is perfect and this fact leads me to believe that I, Robert, and the woman I fancy are a work in progress. I may know myself well but knowing and relating to someones else is completely different. I do not change for pple but merely incorporate, I don't alter myself to suit a preference but try to integrate other things into the constantly improving system. I add things because I want to better for someone and it's blissful to be part of a mutual growth relationship where two pple adapt to each other rather than conform. However, when these added things don't gel with the system they have to be taken out, attributes which cause disharmony in teh system end up corrupting it leading to pretence, hurt and damage.

~END~

Spoof ad #3

2009-08-28T10:10:00.000-07:00

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sings This is the way u write a random post...random post....random post

2009-08-26T05:52:00.000-07:00

*scratches head* What cud dis mean? Anyone got any ideas? I know for sure it has something to do with my 100th post but for the life of me I don't know what it means. Oh well....4 more posts to go shey?

Have you ever tried chasing a 9 month baby wiv a vacuum cleaner while she attempts to speed-crawl to safety? Most hilarious thing I've ever seen...I console myself with the fact that after 5 minutes her brain will wipe away every memory of the incident...u gotta love children u know *diabolical laugh*

So....I met Juiceegal yesterday *smirks as Naija bad boi.... raises eyebrow*. The babe was, as expected, a rep. of her pseudonym. Don't look at me like dat jo shey pesin no fit hang wiv fine
gurl again lol. We went to see Inglorious Basterds *spots avenue to change topic* Seeing as I am a sucker for a Quentin Tarantino movie (Kill Bill and Pulp fiction) I have one word for him...Quentin U r a Basterd! I loved the movie, I loved all the charaters especially the villain cos he wa so cunning and diabolical that he made evil look awesome. Juiceegal was squeamish sha and u can trust Quentin to supply u wiv enough dismemberment and blood splatter...it was so cute seeing her cringe lol...platonically cute oh, cos na so una dey start rumour...I knwo some pple go still talk anyhow sha lol

Omo I know it's rather redundant to keep talking about the wahala in naija but wen shoe dey pinch you 4 leg shey u fi' ignore am? This kidnapping thing na serious sonetin oh! It's basically a business opportunity now, some pple dey sing, some pple dey into politics and some pple are into hijacking human lives, it's that simple. You may not fully grasp the severity of this situation and even I didn't fully relate to the growing fear until the father of a friend of mine got kidnapped. I think it was like d swine flu thing, you don't fully understand how pple feel until you experience it or someone you know does. I imagined the terror the family must have been put through and I was just happy to hear her popsy was released...with a dent in his account but alive nonetheless. The other day I was talking to my popsy and he said it's almost a norm now to hear that someone had been kidnapped and sometimes even a man's son can arrange for his father to be kidnapped (whether the man dey warn me I no know). You know what baffles me, the amount of inhumanity and cruelty human beings are capable of showing each other, the things selfishness will make pple do all in d name of 'hustling'. Kidnapping is a lazy man's way of dodging a 9-5 , a slackers idea of making money and a ignorant person's way of pouring creativity down the drain.

So I love my future career, I love computers and I love IT, I may loathe computer programming but I love IT still. However there are some professions I find absolutely awesome just cos of what they get to do on a daily basis. For instance I wud love to be a Doctor just so I can give pple injections, specifically I'd like to be a gynecologist hehe! "Doctor Robert, I have a spliting headache and sore throat" "Well it's obvious the problem is 4rm ur boobs, please take of ur top so I can examine you closely". I'd love to be a policeman just so I can slap handcuffs on pple and read dem their rights LOL! I'd also want to pull pple over and make thier lives miserable...except you are a woman ofcourse...then we can work out a deal *wink*. I also love to be a Hugh Hefner's Personal Assistant...purely because of the benefits and bonuses attached specified in the job description *wink wink*

Scribblenation: Omnirandom....

2009-08-23T12:20:00.001-07:00

*glances left and right, bends head* Privacy no dey dis house again, *raises head sharply b4 slowly returning to keyboard* everybody don dey mental now. My lil bro keeps glancing at my laptop wen I'm chatting...en wan see wetin pass en eye shey? My Aunt seems to think I have an underground girlfriend and she trying to catch my offguard by throwing random questons at me, My Mum is around now and I'm on d run inside our own house lol. Wen she's in d room i'm in d parlour and wen she's in d parlour i'm in Australia lol. Been very lazy today but I just gatz to update so make I yan u something...

Yesterday I went to see a couple of friends, I chilled wiv dem till like 8pm and wen I was leaving we all walked to the station together. On our way one of d guys asks if I like skinny jeans? I say no and can't even imagine wearing dem, his sister concurs and says skinny jeans are so gay, I object and tell her that's stereotyping, the other sister says she can just imagine me in a pair of red skinny jeans dancing to "Single ladies". The suggestion sparks my imagination and I, d crazy dude among dem, let's my imagnation get the best of me, I run infront of dem, turn to face dem and do this:
*Arms Akimbo* Oh my goodnessss your hair isss sssooo devine it'sss unbelievaable, and your bag isss sssooo sssexy I cud absolutely die. OMG! OMG!! isss dat your real hair, like ssseriosuly u r soo hot it's a sin to look at you. Wait a minute? are those my shoes? Oh no gurlfriend! Oh no you din't *Z-snap*
we all burst out laughing and in my mind I've done a killa impression of a gay guy. I turn to keep on walking and there, right infront of me is an Asian family staring at us...or rather me. The popsy simply stares at me wiv disgust, shakes his head and they all go back into their house...apparently an Asian Family in Ilford think I'm gay!

I heard 4rm a very respectable source that men who can cook are considered sexy by the opposite sex...Is dis true? As in shey na rumour or na lie? be like sey I go soon go buy cook book! Neva thot I'd see d day dat Ogbono soup got you laid!

It undeniable that the nigerian youth is in deep shit yes? Seriously ehn, how long have Uni's in naija been on strike, everytime I want to talk about this it just skips my mind. Isn't it just annoying? how can a country, after decades of independence and a feasible government in place, find it hard to keep it's universities open? You know what I think, Naija is like a 48yr old who never had potty training and since it no longer has western diapers on it keeps shitting itself. I love naija and all but wen u see d person u love effing up won't you tell dem...Naija get rid of this crap, clean urself up and get ur act together abeg! B4 B4 na studnets dey run 4rm skool oh, now na students dey find skool.

In a world where political correctness is slowly becoming a prerequisite for public and private communication, I forsee a future where simply phrases like "Pot calling kettle black" will be cited as a racial slur and "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" will be slated as the new slogan for gay rights.

Okay ehn, I don't grab why someone wud send me this, I was jejely checking my mail a few days back when I 'ran into' an email from a friend. The title said something about some "photoshoot" and some pple workng with "Zain" (A Naija telecomms company). There was an attachment so I downloaded the friggin thin, notice they are images, double click the first one and BAM! A picture of some woman jerking-off some dude...see me as I shock na!! I sharply twist laptop and bent d screen b4 pesin go talk sey Robby don dey lokk mojo 4 early mor-mor. I ran through the remaining pix and in summary it's like an immoralty upgrad 4rm Rihanna's bathroom photoshoot. I know most of you know what I'm talking about cos the story was everywhere and the two zain employees who were getting freaky abroad have more internet fame than The Royal Scribbles giving away free cartons of Virtual Mama 2000. So why pesin go send me this thing biko? As in how does it help my life? So some pple went on official duty and were shagging each other even though they were both married and decided to make a collage of it...does that is dat breaking news? shey dem feel sey I wan dey look old man and woman dey kpansh? As n I don't get the concept behind d forwarding of this email. You'd think dat nude pictures wud interest me but this was just plain unnecessary. I checked d number of people the email had been forwarded to...half the internet had to be on dat list lol....friggin hilarious! If you don't know d story of the Zain lovers memory card then google it...don't be expecting me to upload those pix abeg. I read d story and even though I think wat they did was wrong I cud have still lived wivout receiving that email.

...well looky here...5 more posts to go...Baba God we campaign for you oh!

Insane Mail

2009-08-19T03:31:00.001-07:00

Make una run for cover oooo! Ms. 'dufa is not in a gud mood mehn! Why? cos none of us been comment on her last post...but does she know that her comment link is not working and anytime we click the comment link it doesn't work? Ms. 'dufa it's not that we didn't want to comment oh, it's cos your blog isn't allowing us to comment...take am easy wiv us na...lol

Now what did i want to say again...

Women I dey pity una seriously, the amount of insane mail u pple get on a regular basis must be seriously annoying. Last week I was talking to my sis and she was complaining about the numerous dudes who add her on facebook and attach some scary "love" messagse to their requests. Some dudes will narrate their whole life's story and include lame lines like "You are an angel that fell from heaven" and "If you add me I will be a gud friend cos all i want to do is get yo know you baby". As is that wasn't enough, a few days back I was talking to a friend and she told me that pple actually proposed to her on facebook....as in seriously....dudes....has technology made us this lazy. I can forgive the proposing thing if you are proposing to someone you have a connection wiv or probably if it's a romantic gesture but random insensitive offline proposals are annoying talk less of dudes doing it online. I think wat some dudes do is just type d first name of their fantasy girl in the search box, do tumbor-tumbor (ini-mini-myni-mo to d more ajebo ones ) and based on ur profile pic and network they decide you are naive enuf to fall for the cheesy intros they attach to d friend request, how else can u explain d way these random dudes find ur profile in d midst of the millions on facebook. When did facebook become and an online dating serive biko? See ehn I am not saying hooking up on faceboiok is wrong *glances towards Buttercup and Chari*, I'm just assuming that all d "love"messages random dudes attach to their friend requests must be really friggin annoying. Me sef, wey get very "motivated" imagination, I can't imagine myself sending some random chick a friend request telling her I'm a student in London and am looking to settle down and she looks like d right kinda girl to....even trying to imagine it sef is both hilarious and annoying.

LOL! Two days ago I got this message in my inbox:

"my name is miss juliet princess i am a young lady,
i real want to know you,
and i have some thing to tell you about my self,
so try to reply me so that i can send you my photo
and tell you what i want to tell you.
Yours Faithfull
Juliet princess."

Hilarious isn't it? At first I though it was a blogger...then I felt ashamed for thinking a member of this fine commuinty, after readin my blog, wud think to send me this. I apologise 4 suspecting you guys. Shey dis pesin feel sey I be Mugu? this is d oldest trick in d parchment not even book sef, Juilet Princess ke?...imagine dis kin craze biko

On a more random note, something scares me about Lady Gaga...same feeling I had about Madonna...still love d song 'Chillin' sha!

ps: i just added this afetr i saw a few of d comments 4rm u guys, i know it's Wale's song but the reason I liek it is cos of Gaga's voice...hence d reference.

My mama supposed kill me...

2009-08-17T03:26:00.000-07:00

Mehn I have a lot of catching up to do, when I was glued to my laptop una no dey update blog o! But wen Sir Scribbles steps out for just three days everyone comes out to update. Well I have opened all your blogs in seperate windows here and even if it takes the whole day I will read dem all...just need to get a can of redbull first. Anyway, I just had a couple or my usual random flashbacks and realised that I don do my Mama strong tin many times. My Popsy hasn't even experienced half d crap I've put my Mum through sef. These are just a couple of the incidents I have had wiv my mum:

Mumsy was coming over to London on business and three days after arrving she'd be off to Italy and a week after that she'd have to be in Istanbul. Trips like this aren't new to me and I know my repsonsibilities when she needs to make them. I'm supposed to meet her at the Airport wen she flies in from Naija, meet her at the airport again wen she flies back into London from Italy, and finally follow her to the airport on her way back to Naija from London. Now you'd expect that after a while I'd have familiarised myself wiv d flight times and known when I shud leave d house to meet her at the airport so she doesn't have to wait for me right? Well this time I didn't and wen she arrived in London 4rm naija she ended up waiting at the airport for me for 2 hours, then wen she flew back in 4rm Italy I was late again...dis time she waited 3 hrs. LOL! you shud have heard d phonecall on those two occassions, as in she was mental and raping so many things In Igbo that I actually think there's an Igbo phrase for "this is fucking irresponsible".

On another occasion she came to visit us and my younger sister had gone to work leaving me at home alone. Mumsy called and said she was five minutes away so I arranged the sitting room and did all smal small arrangements to make the place look presentable at least. I stood by the window in the sitting room staring outside and wen I saw the car slowly making it's way up to our house I walked out to greet my lovely mother. As she emerged from the car I stepped out of the house with my arms aloft and as we hugged and exchanged greetings, the love permeating both of us, the front door slowly shut itself wiv a softly audible and sabotaging 'click'. Mumsy looked over my shoulder at the door then back at me and asked, wiv a smile on her face, "Do you have the key?", No reponse "OMG! You don't have d key?", my silence was enough acknowlegdement. Love vanished, smiles faded and all was replaced wiv piercing maternal glares, insensate igbo-worded castigation, a snickering cab driver and a very a awesome looking anambara boy jumping in through the sitting room window.

Finally, and most recently I was booking a flight for her online (come to think of it all these incidents are coonecetd to air travel in some way...pattern?), anyway I was booking a flight for her and because I'm used to fillnig out forms and application online wiv my name I ended up using her card to book a flight for her to Italy wiv me as the passenger instead of her. I realised this mistake 3 seconds after confirming payment for 'MR ROBERT's' ticket and I gave a short yelp, she asked what the problem was, I said my charger shocked me lol. I immdiately went to cancel the flight hoping that since it has just booked a few seconds ago I cud still change it but it's at times like dis that I hate technology. They cancelled the flight alright and I booked another one feeling like a problem solver only for her to check her balance online and see dat the airline had charged her twice for the same ticket lol. She asked me what happended...I lied, she was absolutely livid and then called the airline. They told her the first deduction was for the ticket of a "Mr Robert Scribbles" but it had been cancelled and the fee was non-refundable, they told her to read their terms and conditions but they had lost her at "Mr. Robert"...her attention and anger had now switched from the Airline to said owner of cancelled ticket.

Oh yeah! I'm back!

2009-08-16T07:24:00.000-07:00

Oh baby...*kiss**kiss*...I swear I will neva leave u gain...*kiss**kiss**kiss*, as in I missed you ehn, cudn't stop thinking about you *kiss*. Kai if I try and take a hiatus again make una handcuff me to my keyboard...nearly ran mad I swear. Okay so where does the gist start from? Shey I shud tell you what I've been doing siiiiince? Or I shud just jump into the main gist of today's post? Okay chill first, b4 I begin I'd like to say that those of who who took time out to send me questions for my 100th post are too much, i really appreciate the effort...even though some of you want answers to some very "interesting" questions I'll do my best to deliver. robbyscribbles@gmail.com is d destination for your questions so if you still want to send dem in you can, thanks mehn!

So my ex came over for the summer hols, she's gonna spend just 10 days here and go back to naija so we decided to meet up and just chill u know...as friends oh.....don't raise ur eyebrows jo calm down, d thing is we were friends for quite a long time b4 we decided to make things more complicated, we're gud now sha, really gud sef, I no sey some of u go still look 4 trouble wen commneting so why i dey bother to explain sef lol. We had a blast sha and she concurs, went to see G.I Joe together, btw G.I Joe is a gud movie, not awesome but definitely worth paying full price after getting a student discount lol. I particularly love Storm Shadow or the Ninja in white for the less geeky ones out there, he's definitely the coolest character after Snake eyes/ The Ninja in black. You know wat trips me about the dude, he wears only white, even wen he's not in the ninja outfit he still dons white all through...means he's one clean morrasucking Ninja doesn't it? I can only imagine wat he's drycleaning bill will look like. Anyway back to the main gist, mehn d babe was looking gud oh, as in for about 30 seconds I reconsidered the babe, the breakup and a possible makeup but rationality prevailed again and I didn't let my mind wander too far b4 I do the wan wey pass my power. It's been a year and about 6 months since the relationship pafuga but I was glad we cud still be friends sha, she's a gud person and besides both of us have moved on...even though where we move go get too much headache lol

Next gist, apparently two guys, one black and one white, robbed a jewelry store in bond street London and made off with about £40 million/$63 million worth of jewelry and they did it so efficiently that the whole heist sef dey trip police lol. I won't go into details here but the thing that caught my "native" attention is the reward for anyone who has useful info on the robbers or the heist in general. Authorities are offering £1 million for anyone who can provide useful info on the whole thing so now blogsville I come to you on my hands and knees...I want to buy three things, a new phone (anything wiv a qwerty keyboard), a new ipod (Matilda has tried but I think it's time we both see other pple), a new laptop (just cos I'm changing everything else), so I need your help, abeg if na ur nephew, cousin, brother, boyfriend, partner, co-worker, penpal or myspace friend wey u neva see b4 wey go rob that jewelry store abeg u go like snitch. All I need is an email address, no be sey one thing-two thing it's really simple, you provide d detail(s) nd we split the remaining £2k that's left after I've given the rest to the Gadget.4.Scribbles.tech.poverty.alleviation charity group. As in as I hear dat reward money my ear stand and I started to skim through my phone contacts to see if I knew anyone who cud be related in any way to a jewelry heist lol. One milla no be joke mehn!!!! If I handle dat reward money una no go dey even see me 4 blogsville sef...I will go and start my own internet and call it "Meganbytenet" and all d websites there must have pictures of Megan good on their frontpage....oh yeah I', in love wiv Megan Good.

LOL! Recently Bill clinton went to North Korea to seek pardon for some US journalists who were sentenced to life in prisonment for allegedly crossing the border illegally. Why did I choose to bring this story to you today? cos of the way the media potrayed the whole thing...nd ofcourse the way I analysed it lol. The papers, news channels and radio stations all used the same words to describe it "President Bill Clinton goes on a mission with his special team to rescue the imprisoned US journalists" So clinton don turn special agent na? This is how my mind analysed the issue:

Anonymous: Codename MonicaBJ, is this line secure"

Bill Clinton: Yes it is, what's the situation Raventower

Anonymous: Agent BJ, it's a code red situation, it's the orientals....they're back

Bill Clinton: Oh dear lord, assemble the others...looks like it's a job for Team Presi-Sutra

*insert dramatic soundtrack*

After arriving at the secret underground HQ that can only be accessed by triple clicking the secret Monica L. photograph hidden on the PC in the Folder named "Serious files that will blow the computer if you click them". Clinton/Agent MonicaBJ addresses the Presido-sutra team made up of hot blondes donning black spandex.

Bill Clinton: "Okay pple listen up, Big mama-who-lost-to-a-black-dude is in Africa trying to show Yar' adua how to buy blood tonic on ebay. I, therefore, am horny and there zre 2 absolutely spanking asian babes in Northa Korea who'll show alot of 'gratitude' if we 'rescue' them. Kim jong il's FB status says he'll release dem if we can get him Monica's email address and I've got that covered so C'MON PEOPLE, LET'S GET ME LAID!!!!!!!!!

Reality TV...up yours...wiv a plunger....spiced with Suya pepper!

2009-08-09T18:39:00.000-07:00

First of all, shout out to my e-sister leggychukwu on her 50th post!!!!! If u think sey e easy to do 50 posts just try reading her posts...long as hell! (pot saying something rascist to kettle lol). Congrats babe!!
As for me, as in I don't get, shey una wan make I beg una ehn? 100th post on d way, 9 posts to go, I politely asked that you send in questions you'd like me to answer, did u guys send? NO! Shey una wan sabotage my celebrations. The email addy is robbyscribbles@googlemail.com, I even paint am red for una. The idea is for the questions to be anonymous that's why I pleaded that u send dem to me by email. Shey u will send in questions? Anything, I say anything will be accepted...depending on how liberal I'm feeling lol. Big ups in advance...now to buisiness

I HATE REALITY TV!!! There's no nice way to put it but I cannot stand reality TV, I consider it a waste of cerebral disk space and a poor chronological investment. As in I can't grab d concept yet. Some celebrity decides that aside from d internet, gossip mags, their faces poppin up everytime I want to check my e-mail and elaborate sex tapes, we, the public, wud like to know how they live their everyday lives. Is it an attepmt to show us they are normal like us? You live in a million dollar mansion possibly wiv a toilet for each of R kelly's attempted comebacks and you think me, who shares toothpaste wiv four other people, and you, said multiple WC owner, are on par? I no gree! How does getting a camera to follow you while you shop, eat and go on diets u never fully commit to serve as entertainment? You want to see entertainment? Stick a camera on an average Naija dude as we navigates d perilous streets of his naija fighting d urge to kidnap his rich Uncle's daughter just so he can use d ransom money to buy a PS3 which will keep him busy during the long ass strike his University is on....that's Reality TV pple! Not a group of women under a duplex/makeshift mansion all of whom are pretending they use fork nd knives to eat at home wen we all know that in their homes table knives are like Bibles around Hugh Hefner...U never find any!

Yes my last statment was directed at Koko Duplex..I say duplex cos I was expecting something bigger, you can't deceive me wiv a swimming pool and a couple of staircases, I know what a mansion looks like, my papa no get mansion but google's resources are proof enough. You see d way naija pple carry cutlass chook dat Rita girl 4 back? Friggin hilarious! As in una no try 4 Rita, everywhere I looked I saw pple hailing d chick despite her epilepsy-indusive grammar, they were saying she was natural nd she was a sure winner cos she was d only one who was real (apparently being real goes hand-in-hand wiv setting webster's dictionary on fire). Sunday evening, I was chillin u know, keepin d sabbath day holy nd all, wen I hear dat it's dis Bolanle girl who won it. I was surprised I swear! after all d texts pple sent to the show showing support nd even comparing her grammatical inconsistencies wiv Tu-face's (who by d way only knows 2 phrases in his whole life wen he isnt in d studio, "Notin dey happen" nd "One love"). I pity d babe mehn, na dis kin thing dey turn pesin to terrorist. Imagine how she felt after d show wen she reach house nd dem tell am sey during d show na she popular pass, she'll feel sad, feelings of sadness becom feelings of betrayal, feelings of betrayal become feelings of anger, feelings of anger become urges for revenge and before you know it Osama don get en first Naija representative to Al-Qaeda on Tense, grammar and vocabulary suicide bombing!

Omo as u don read finish u go like go ur mailbox send question shey? robbyscribbles@googlemail.com. No dullin oh! we must make dis 100th post a success cos my announcement depends on it....9 posts to go...LET'S GOOOO THERE!!!

C/O Angel Gabe

2009-08-09T12:19:00.000-07:00

Sir Robby Scribbles II
Obodo Oyibo
09 August 2009

Dear Baba God,

I would like to thank you for providing all the amenities necessary for me, Chalene, 18, and Colly ,15, to live comfortably and proudly in this Godforsken, recession stricken, subtly rascist, meteorically cursed country. I appreciate your consistent and, most of all, free-of-charge, blessings to us and as the first-born child of the Scribbles household I will always maitain the standard that you desire and they, my two siblings, must emulate. However, I write this letter with a heavy heart because as at 6am this morning I realised that your two children are mental...as in dem two don kolo! Consequently, the sole purpose of this letter is to inform you that very soon me sef go kolo pass dem!!

As at 10pm on the 8th of August 2009 I had declared that we all must attend sunday service the following day because it had been almost 4 weeks since we had been to church. I told these two maniacs that we'd have to be awake by 6am and I was going to set the alarm to ring at 5:55am. I told them to go and sleep oooo! I warned them that I didn't want to hear any story wen I woke dem up for church the following day, did they listen? No! Both of dem went to bed around 2am and when I woke them up the following mornining I was greeted wiv mummurs, moans and grumbles. I sent Chalene to the bathroom first cos it takes much more time for her to get dressed than me and Colly combined. She grabbed her towel and left the room. 5 Mins later I decided to go downstairs and get something to eat and as I approached the staircase, there, crounced on in the middle of the stairwell was Chalene...sleeping! She was crashing on d staircase wen I thought she was taking a shower. I nearly kick am for back I swear! I screamed at her and she woke up startled and annoyed , grabbed her towel again and walked off to the bathroom.

Chalene was now out and had started her 2 hour makeup process, I told Colly get into the shower, he grabbed his towel, like Chalene and headed off to the bathroom. As I sat in theliving room flicking through channels I felt the need to use the loo. I stood up, walked to the toilet, opened the door and there was Colly crashing on the friggin toilet bowl wiv his towel over his head. It was both amusing and annoying, I woke him up wiv a lil smack on d head and screamed at him to get into the shower cos we were already running late. He glared at me and slowly made his way to the bathroom banging the door behind him...the only act of insolence he could exhibit.

Do you know we finally didn't go to church today? In addition to your daughter sleeping on d staircase and your son crashing on d toilet bowl you daughter took almost 30min extra in addition to her usual 2hrs to get dressed, your son took half an hour to locate an Mp3 player filled wiv songs that go against wateva we were going to hear in church and by the time we got to the bus stop it made no chronological sense to go to church again cos from our calculations there were only 30 mins of service left. Baba God these are your children and my siblings I know, but Baba God u won't blame me if next sunday I carry cold water keep for room, once alarm blow like dis all man must arrange demself jump inside bathroom if not na military treatment dem two go receive. I know we haven't seen you in almost a month but I swear today I was in d mood but na dis two crase pikin spoil everything. By ur grace and my bucket of water we go jam next week.

Your sincerly,
Sir Robby Scribbles II

ps: 10 post from now I will be celebrating a century of blogging and to mark this wonderful milestone I, like my good sister Leggychukwu, will also like to ask all readers to send in questions they'd like me to answer. I doubt y'all can ask anything that'd fluster me so be creative, somewhat unrestricted and family-friendly if possible. I want y'all to be unhindered so if you like you can email them to me at "sirscribbles@rocketmail.com". In addition to this thing I will make an announcement in my hundredth post the likes of which blogsville has never seen before....GUARATEED!!

What if we were all straight?

2009-08-08T06:00:00.000-07:00

So you've read the title and thot to yourself "Well Robby is going to talk about how the world wud be a better place if we were all heterosexuals" right?...Well no! Ha! Take ur Homophobic fantasies and huddle up with the Republicans and Conservatives cos my frontyard isn't big enuf to accomodate a mob of protesting gay pple. Imagine how easy this life wud be if we were all honest, imagine how much wahala wud be avoided by simply being straight with each other. Imagine a world were all of mankind was forced to be straight with each other,

Politics wud be so much easier cos instead of lying to us throughout the campaign period candidates wud just bluntly tell us what their real agenda is "If you elect me to be your president I can assure and reassure you that I will suck this country dry and while you have no electricity to power ur house for at least 2hrs a week and proper healthcare is absolutely inaccessible to the average citizen I will use the embezzled money to build an empire of illegitimate children, irresponsible legitimate children and truckloads of expenisve traditionall outfits which may make me look ordinary but are really expenisve enough to cover up all d potholes in Lagos and Kaduna."
If we were all striaght with each other North Korea cud simply come out and tell us "Look here, we've heard wat South Korea and Japan have been saying bout us and just cos we don't have as many restaurants abroad like d chinese doesn't mean y'all can run ur mouth infront of the UN so we are investing in nuclear weapons in a bid to take over the world and destroy every single chinese restaurant our nuclear warheads can locate as well as Japanese Sushi bars and the whole of North Korea simply for fun d of it.

In a completely straight world Osama wud probably have to confess that the reason why he hates America so much is cos wen he was a sophmore in an american Uni. he got kicked out of the school volleyball team cos he kept trippin on his beard.

Relationships wud be sooo much easier wudn't they? A man wud walk up to you at the train station and instead of complimenting ur skirt wat he'd really say was "My my! I wud really like to grab that, may i grope u on d train as we proceed to our various destinations?". Instead of changing her walk from a simple stroll to a strut everytime she walks past ur desk that very suggestive female colleague wud simply send u a memo detailing how ur nicely fitted shirt and tailored pants make certain aspects of ur masculinity hard to resist and working late tonight would be more productive for both of you than the company.

In a completely straight world, there wud be no anonymous bloggers wud they? I don't think so, Anonymous blogging wud be a crime and we'd all have to turn our blogs into mini-facebook profiles...then again in a straight world some bloggers wud have no need for blogging cos they'd be able to say what they wanted to say, to who they wanted to say it to, about whatever they felt like saying and this wud mean that in a straight world the Police would be looking for a tall Igbo dude who is wanted for attacking Barney the Dinosaur and the Teletubbies in addition to an attempted bombing of Sesame street.

Update addict...

2009-08-04T18:33:00.000-07:00

I need to update my blog regularly, it's not you it's me, I'm an addict, two days wivout an update and I get the shakes and start hallucinations lol...alright enuf blabber let's yarn, I do not wish to offend but merely arouse productive thinking...

Now this may be a paragraph u don't normally see in my posts but i just had to ask you guys this. Abeg, on a scale of 1 to absolute nutcase where wud u rate pple who open their eyes while kissing and interrogate, not just talk, but interrogate while kpanshing. Okay maybe I can forgive those who open their eyes cos u neva know when ur lips might be stolen or when d person u r kissing will pull out your tongue wiv pliers but those pple wey dey ask too many question while kpanshing is just flat or insane and hilarious. "Do u like that?" "Should I do that?" "Why don't we try this?" "How was it for you?" C'MON!!!! Why don't you just take out a survey mid-kpanshing and tell him/her to fill it out for you. Oh and whoever started saying "Who's ur daddy?" first must have had some serious family issues. Why wud I want a lecture on your family tree in d middle of a kpansh. "C'mon baby tell me, who's your daddy?".."Well since you asked his name is Ezekiel H. Okoro wud you like his email address later on?"

LOL! Okay I just had to call her out, by show of hands how many of you think leggy has been seriously holding out on us....1...2...4...10...I see I'm not the only one. She tells us it's fiction but c'mon pple are we buying it? LEGGYCHUKWU this one is too much fiction to remain fiction I swear. You must come clean and tell us what other extracurricular actvities have been going on in that new apartment of yours or we will...we'll....we'll do something sha lol

I read in d news that a girl was sueing her school cos she cudn't get a job after graduating and alight bulb lit over my head. I'd just like to say that God forbid I am unemployed 6 months after graduating I will take Aunty Blessing from Primary 5 Red Social Studies, Mr. Musa from Jss 2C Maths, Dr. E from 4th year Algorthm analysis and Mr. Po Yang from PgD Computer networking for every cent they've got...I'm thinking £15k each

Skank [skangk]: an offensive term for a girl or woman who is regarded as unpleasant-looking and sexually promiscuous.
Jerk [jurk]: an offensive term for somebody who is regarded as behaving foolishly.
What do these two have in common apart from being elaborate descriptions of the kiosk girls in my high skool? Yes, they are the reigning dancesteps and their inventors have acheived something close to superstardom by simply christening erratic body movments wiv flattering names as the ones above. Therefore, it is a sagacious venture for me, who wants to be uber famous (not like Bruno), to invent a dancestep of my own. Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you "Ashawo convulse!!!" You heard it here first ooo, d dance is quite simple sef, all you need is a woman of easy virtue, a couple of sporadically flashing lights and a Doctor on speeddial. Make nobody copy my dance abeg, if I see Chris Brown Lee pullin any of my moves in public I go crase ooo! I wanna see u show some luv in d clubs nd on d streets, pple Do d Ashawo convulse mehn!! It's d new ish!!!...~~eh eh! let me see u open ur legs nd do the Ashawo convulse! Let me see u go in and out nd do d Ashawo convulse!! Stick a spoon in ur mouth nd do the Ashawo convulse!!!~~ LOL!

You must feel my video oooooo!!!!

2009-08-04T09:59:00.000-07:00

Shey una see dis video? It took me about 2hrs to try and upload it...and that was the one wiv better quality oh! Dis one here and to go through two converters to make it unto this post so I advice you watch it make I no vex. If u r at work I suggest u carry ur PC to d toilet now and watch dis video, if u r not at work u have no excuse...don't even think about skipping it and readin d post....I no dey follow u joke oh! click the big play sign now!

If u r readin dis paragraph u must have watched d video...if not please take ur disobeying posterior nd click out of this post now...una think sey e easy to convert nd upload video! Now that we are all video-watching friends let us begin...

LMAO! If you watched this video then you shud be laughing your ass off right now. You know wetin trip me pass for the video? the second and third dudes that were flogged, they remind me sooo much of myself in primary and secondary skool. Me i no dey form, I can't chest cane to save humanity. If Obama came up to me and said "Robert, the fate of the entire world rests upon your shoulders, you can save mankind from destruction if you can just chest 3 strokes from ur Jss 2 maths teacher (Yes Mr. Musa I'm lookin' at you)" I'd be like "No vex o Bros. Barack but can I just take one stroke nd save Anambara state?"

Back in sec skool I use to hate flogging ehn, especially all those mass flogging wey dem dey give pesin for crimes I knew nothin off. Omo wetin consin me wiv who shit for back of hostel? if u didn't see d pesin wat will flogging all of us prove abeg! (Mr. Musa I'm still lokking at you). In my opinion he who found it number 2ed it mehn! Omo I no dey accept flogging easily o, aaaahhh u have to work for it! before u get to deliver ur full quota of caning you must have either run after me, sent pple to run after me or ambushed me after classes, one way or the other you are not getting me that easily. Imagine o! u tell me stand here and collect cane and you expect me, wiv me working brain, to just stand there like a mugu and wait for you to appease your secret femdom fetish..I beg to differ Aunty my ass don't come cheap!!

You see d way that kid ran out of the classroom after the first attack? Omo d boy was even brave sef, ME! ROBBY! I 4 follow window b4 d woman say stretch out your hand Infact if worse comes to worse I prefer the arm flogging than the back-to-the -cane. I want to see it coming, don't tell me to turn my back and then flod me wiv anxiety b4 u flod me wiv pain, this ain't a friggin SAW movie.

If you do get to flog me I'd like to know how many strokes u plan to give me, don't flog me like it's a friggin lottery and you don't know what the winning numbers will be today, failure to plan to planning to fail and if you fail to plan how many strokes you will give me then your plan to flog me in peace will fail woefully.

You know what I hate again? Teachers like d one in d video, d ones wey dey smile as dem dey flog. ARE U FRIGGIN INSANE? you are flogging me wiv a 34 inch bamboo stick and you are smiling? FRIGGIN SADIST!!! *Holding a Placard wiv Mr. Musa's name on it*

Finally you know what I also hate, class prefects wey no sabi co-operate. Having a class prefect that doesn't co-operate is like living with a known spy, you know dis guy is leaking information that is damaging your organisation but you are powerless to stop him (except when u r in d refectory and NEPA takes light nd he can't see it coming lol). I swear I can be sitting down minding my business throughout afternoon prep but 15 minutes to the end just when I think I'm home free someone farts and I can't help but laugh and maybe even make a tintili sketch nd pass it round class...then my name goes into the list of doom (names of noise makers) nd wiv lil asterixes and multiple "x2" accompanying it...I swear just remebering it now dey make me vex *Looking for Mr. Musa on Facebook*

Metroawesome!!!!

2009-08-04T05:25:00.001-07:00

First of all I'd like to say that I love blogsville and every single blogger in it especially the ones who commented on my last post. Una too much I swear! if pple in the world could show themselves half the consideration bloggers show to each other we wudn't have so much global headache. I will try and keep y'all posted on how it goes wiv me and her but when it comes to blogging about stuff like that I cannot be trusted lol...see how long it took me to tell u guyz about it sef. Now let's talk about something else shall we?

I read juiceegal's post on Metrosexuality and I cudn't help laughing cos just two weeks before that someone had called me a Metrosexual. Now I treat any word that has "-sexual" at the end of it and is not preceded by "hetero-" wiv caution so for the purpose of this post we will boycott the word "Metrosexual" and use "Metroawesome" instead capiche? Nice one! Now I want you to help me judge if Sir Scribbles II aka Robby Scribbles aka Bobbby-too-much aka Barrister feel-good is truely metroawesome or just plain awesome. Let's go there...

I like to match my shirts, ties, cufflinks, trousers belt, socks and shoes. I don't mean like wearing blue all through and looking like a teletubby's nephew, what I mean is there has to be cohesion between the colours of my outfits...I hate colour riot like Megan fox hates calculus. Wearing any combination of colours that do not match, compliment or associate will drive me crazy. My graduation gown was had green, red and purple on it...I nearly ran mad in the grad. hall lol.

I hate dirty trainers, sometimes I get on d train and I see someone wearing a pair of filthy white converse trainers and I just want to take a machete and amputate their legs. I have to clean all my trainers at least one a week depending on how many times they've been worn that week. If you are picturing me wiv a discarded toothbrush, a little bowl of soapy water, another little bolw of clean water nd a lil rag then ur imagination is on point.

I love suede, right from when I was a kid till dis very moment. If it's suede I want it, shoes, blazers, wallets, wateva! If they had a suede liver I'd sign up for a transplant.

It takes me about a whole day to pick out something to wear to a date. I have to start preparing at least a week before a date cos I know I will be changing my mind on d regular. When I was in Uni it was easier cos I had a rota for my clothes...every shirt, trouser, T-shirt and shorts had a day of week assigned to them and if I had a date sometime during the week the outfit assigned to that week wud be used but wud then have to be slotted in at the end of the rota to avoid repitition within a 2 week period.

I am a sucker for colognes and am therefore a mugu for a girl wiv a captivating scent. If a lady walks past me and smells absolutely divine it'd take 300 spartans to hold me down. I love colognes and can never leave d house wivout using either a cologne or body spray. When I say leave d house it includes going out in my pyjamas to buy bread, post letters or order pizza.

I hate creases wiv a passion. It takes me ages to finish ironing cos i hate creases so much. I hate the lil ones that hide around d shoulder-armpit area of the shirt, I hate d ones that hide around d crotch are of trousers..I hate creases! Cos I hate creases so much I hate linen...linen is a nightmare for me, they say it's supposed to look that way but me wearing linen can be likened to a suicide bomber who has second thoughts, I'm tense, always staring down at what I'm wearing and wishing I'd hadn't worn it in the first place. If you see when I'm ironing a Linen shirt you'd think I was demented.

This is the point where you tell me all this stuff is normal and it's in no way weird or unheard. For crying out loud David Beckham paints his friggin nails mehn...my own is small sef!!!

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2009-08-03T05:19:00.000-07:00

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Blame d Maga

2009-08-01T12:50:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been getting emails telling me to send my name, address, age nd all what not to some dude's email address cos I've won £1,000,000,000....imagine the insult!!! Abeg wetin dey worry yahoo boyz sef? shey of all the prospective mugus on the planet they think Sir Scribbles will be gullible enuf to fall for their crap? Maybe they think I'm naive enuf to assume the email's legit cos the names they used are Dan Smith or Henry Silverman ...fancy names won't get me cos I know ur real names....Emeka, Yusuf nd Gbola lol.

I don't know who we shud even blame for scamming sef, it's typical to blame the yahoo boys but doesn't it bother you that there're still suckers falling for these get-rich-right friggin now emails? "My uncle died and left me an inheritance and I need a spouse to claim it so send money for the lawyer"....nd some pple fall for this?...seriously ehn what makes you so special that some random dude want's to share his inheritance with you? The other day someone sent my mum a text telling her she'd won N10,000,000, in some Globacom raffle draw...which she didn't even enter for. They told her to visit one website nd drop all her info, thank God she asked for my opinion first, one look at that website and I knew it designed simply for maga purposes. She was like "They have a website, they must be legit" I simply told her she was lucky to have a wonderful pikin like me cos if not she'd be the inspiration for Kelly handsome's next hit song.

Sir Scribbles has a solution though, I think we shudn't even be trying to catch Yahoo boys, the pple we shud catch and jail are Mugus...YES MUGUS!!! If we start jailing Mugus pple won't fall for scams anymore...they won't even consider d offers sef! If you read in next weeks paper that 12 pple have been arrested and are in questioning on account of being Mugus what do u think the effect will be on the society at large...a scarcity of mugus that's what...a Mugu recession and yahoo yahoo extinction!!!