King Ode Kahn and the Curse of The Royal Sceptre (Part 2)

It felt like King Kahn had just awakened from a nightmare. His mind struggled to comprehend what had just occurred in his throne room. Merely moments ago, he had been sitting on this very throne struggling with the boredom of having to choose a wife from a crowd of women wanting to be his queen. Now, he had witnessed what looked like a suicide by a woman who had apparently taken the power of everlasting wood from his sceptre. In his hand, he held what Ozor's spell had replaced his sceptre with, a piece of dried wood. A stick. The guards had tried to settle the confused crowd who had immediately realized what they had witnessed and quickly been gripped with fear. Everyone in the kingdom knew the origin of the sceptre and the power it possessed. As kids, they were told of the great Genesis wars where the first Kahn, Doro Kahn, had forged the sceptre from the the celestial Falus and had infused it with the power of everlasting wood sent down from the heavens by the great god Ayagra. The sceptre had been a sign of peace, prosperity and stability in the kingdom and no Kahn had ever ruled without having the power of everlasting wood. To lose it, was to lose his throne, people and ultimately the kingdom. It had barely been thirty minutes after the incident and the people were already in a state of disarray. Total chaos may has obviously only moments away. King Kahn slumped into his throne, feeling both confused and afraid. The images of Ozor slicing her throat repeatedly flashed in his mind. Her words kept echoing in his head as the images of her blood slithering towards him and wrapping itself around his arm replayed themselves in his mind. "Today, the era of the Kahn's will come to an end. Today, you lose your power. You lose Kongdobia". A voice from the crowd screamed "King Kahn. You must give me audience. I need to speak to you about what has just happened before all hope is lost". Still in a daze, Ode Kahn motioned for the whoever it was to be brought forward. One guard immediately forced his way into he crowd, past several visibly irritated people and fished out the one who had spoken. He brought her before the throne saying "Your highness, it was this little girl who spoke". She was a little girl, no more than 16 years of age, dressed in old garments which looked tattered and unwashed. Her hair was long, blonde, thick and matted. She looked like she had not seen the inside of a washroom in a very long time, but king Kahn cared not for her appearance at this time for he was more interested in what she had to say. "You were the girl who spoke? Tell me, what do you know of what happened here moments ago" said King Kahn. 

Beeb had always wondered why people mistook him for a girl. He had examined himself many times and had never noticed anything about himself which could possibly lead people to continuously assume he was a girl. When he was much younger, people who had mistaken him for a girl usually felt the wrath of his very scathing tongue. However, his father, being the wise man he had always been, had thought Beeb to respond to situations with a bit more deliberation rather than impulse. This was why, when the guard who held his arm had introduced him to the King as "The girl who spoke", he had deliberated carefully on whether or not he would kick the guard in the crotch for making such a stupid mistake. He decided not to at this time.The guard relinquished his vice-like grip on Beeb's arm and Beeb immediately bowed to the king, while muttering under his breath about how much of an idiot the guard had been."King Kahn,.." began Beeb, my name is Beeb, son of Banj of the house of Ber. I'm sorry for screaming so disrespectfully in your presence but we have no time to waste. You must come with me immediately or else..", "Watch your tongue peasant" interrupted the guard who had brought Beeb forward, "you are in the presence of a Kahn. He will go nowhere with the likes of you". "Enough Akunai" said Ode Kahn as he rose from the throne and walked slowly towards Beeb who immediately bowed his head respectfully. "You say your name is Beeb? from house Ber? I know your house. Banj, your father, was once the greatest entertainer in this kingdom. What does the son of a once great entertainer know about what has occurred here today? Speak. Beeb raised his head and kissed his teeth at Akunai the guard before replying king Kahn. "Yes, my father was once a great entertainer till he journeyed to the west to seek more fortune and fame. However, my father is also the reason I am here with knowledge of what this woman has done here. You must speak with him immediately or you will lose everything you hold true and dear. Many years ago, my father foresaw the events of today in a vision and made me attend each and every presentation hoping to thwart the efforts of the Edochies before their servant could accomplish her diabolical plans, but I failed. My father had seen the events of today in a vision but did neither knew the exact moment when it would occur, nor the exact identity of the servant, he only knew that if the Edochie's succeeded, it would mean the end of your reign and your life. I could stay here all day and tell you everything I know about the things to come but it would be wise to hear it from my father instead. Please, we do not have much time to waste. You must come with me" 

King Ode Kahn listened to Beeb intently, occasionally catching glimpses of Akunai gnashing his teeth and leering at Beeb as he spoke. When Beeb had finished speaking, Ode considered his current predicament. The royal sceptre had been taken from him and the power of everlasting wood was no longer in his possession. Only the gods knew what sort of consequences he and his kingdom would face if he the sceptre and its power remained absent from him. Beeb and Banj seemed to be the only people at the moment with any answers to the numerous questions he had swirling around in his head. It would be foolish not to explore the possibilities of a solution by visiting the house of Bar. He turned to Akunai "Ready the royal whip, Akunai. We will be going to the house of Bar tonight"

Apart from his drink and drugs Banj didn't enjoy many things in life anymore. As a young boy he had loved to sing and dance and practiced for hours non-stop in the family courtyard. As a young man, he had traveled to every corner of Kongdobia performing for the rich and poor because he simply loved to express himself through his art. As an older man, he had journeyed to the west in search of more adoration, wealth and recognition but had found only a vulnerability in himself for debauchery. Sex, drugs and alcohol may have stolen his gift for art but it had given this old man something else, sight. Banj and gone to the west as an entertainer and returned as a seer. Even though he could not sing as he used to because the seerup had irrecoverably damaged his vocal cords and he could not move his body as freely as he did in his prime because the kokane and mariwana had left his body weak and shrivelled, Banj the uneducated boy from the house of Bar had now been given the gift of sight. Banj sat slumped in his favorite chair, facing the entrance to his home. A few hours ago, he had poured a sizable amount of kokane on the table in front of him and snorted it all within minutes. Seconds later, he had fallen into his customary high where he saw visions of son, Beeb, distracted by the ample bosom of a woman, supposedly waiting for her turn to present herself for the king's consideration, in the palace throne room. The image was then replaced with visions of a woman slicing her throat in the throne room of the palace and the royal sceptre vanishing from the king's hand. When the visions finally faded and his mind returned to reality, he knew what he feared for years had become real. Years ago he had seen a similar vision, albeit not as vivid as the one he just had, and had done all he could to try and prevent the events which he now knew had occurred in the palace. Since the Edochie's had succeeded in stealing the power of everlasting wood from king Kahn, Beeb would have to convince the king to meet with him because it would be only a matter of time before things took a turn for the worst in the kingdom. Banj sat in his chair, smoking his homegrown mariwana through his khalifa pipe and staring at the door hoping Beeb would walk through them with King Kahn. 

The journey from the palace had not been an easy one but they finally arrived at the doorstep of Banj & Beep's home. The house of Bar had never been known for wealth or prosperity and Beeb's father had been the only one in the bloodline to ever attain recognition through his music. After his decline in fame, Banj had returned to his family home in the squalor of Kongdobia's moochin district where neighbors claimed he drowned himself in alcohol, drugs and women of questionable virtue. It was no place for a king to grace with his presence but Ode had seen a certain sincerity in Beeb as he spoke in the throne room earlier. It would not cost him anything to investigate the claims the boy made. Still, Akunai looked very displeased with the whole affair and cautioned the king once more as Beeb opened the door, steeped into the house and invited them to come into his home. "Sire, I urge you to reconsider what you are doing. Pay no mind to this wretched child and his delinquent father. Let us take leave of this place before the tongues of peasants begin to wag. Surely we are able to retrieve the royal sceptre without consorting with drug addicts and alcoholics". Ode turned to Akunai and replied in a stern yet calm tone "Akunai, so far, it seems like only drug addicts and alcoholics can make sense of our current situation. I will give them audience, even if it is for a few hours. If nothing worthwhile comes of this visit then I shall explore other options. For now, we consort with Beeb and his father."  King Kahn walked through the entrance into the house and was immediately greeted with a the stench of uncleanliness and sloth. The living room was littered with empty bottles of seerup, alor-omo and biyer. The carpet was dirty and riddled with burn marks and alcohol stains. Unwashed clothes and dishes lay scattered all over the room and walking around in the room was a task accomplished only with careful deliberation and navigation. The room was poorly lit and by the time king Kahn's eyes had adjusted to the lighting in the room, a voice came forth from a chair overlooking the entrance of the house where Beeb and the royal guests stood. "King Kahn, Una welcome oh. First of all, make I tell you sorry for my pikin, En no dey take eye see breast. If to sey en no be like en papa wey follow like woman too, we no go dey this wahala wey we dey so. My name na Banj, abeg make una enter, siddon, we get big matter to yarn. Una fit make unasef comfortable" King Kahn took another look at the room he had been offered to sit in by Banj and decided against making himself comfortable. "Worry not about my comfort Banj" replied Ode Kahn. "Your son tells me you have knowledge of the events that just occurred in the palace. Tell me what you know please". Banj smoked on his khalifa pipe for a few seconds before addressing the king's request. "hmmm e no go easy o. I go explain everything but wait make I high first. E dey easier for me to explain matter when I dey high". Banj continued to smoke the mariwana in his pipe as Akunai seized him by the throat. "Have you lost possession of your senses? you are in the presence of king Kahn of Kongdobia and you choose to disrespect him in this manner? You will tell him what you know or...". "Enough Akunai" bellowed Ode Kahn. "Unhand him and remove yourself from our presence. You will remain outside until my business here is concluded. Leave us". Akunai obeyed his orders with an audible grunt and exited the room while king Kahn addressed Banj "Your son repeatedly stressed how little time we had to remedy the problem we now face. Surely your preference for drugs cannot be a priority at a time like this". Banj had finished smoking and placed the khalifa pipe beside the scattered particles of kokane on the table in front of him. "I am well aware of the immediacy of our situation King Ode Kahn. As I was saying, before that idiot interrupted me so brutishly, I tend to be more coherent when I'm slightly intoxicated" King Kahn's expression prompted Banj to continue speaking "I know you are surprised. My journey to the west made me discover a lot of new things about myself both physically and mentally. For example, there was this woman I met in the kingdom of Cadashia, her name was Kaam. Or Koom. or was it Keem? I cannot remember. I do remember how big her..." "Father!" interrupted Beeb, who had been quietly standing beside the king since their arrival. "You're doing it again father" said Beeb. Banj took a second to gather his thoughts and spoke again "Yes, as I said, I needed to get high to communicate properly and I know it comes as a surprise to you. The drugs and alcohol not only give me the ability to speak like a nobleman but they also give me sight. Spiritual sight. 20 years ago I had a vision of a woman, her face shrouded by a dark malevolent cloud, bringing an end to your reign. She did this by performing an evil spell which conjured ancient spirits that once walked this land. I did not fully understand what the vision meant until I had a series of other visions, triggered by various moments of intoxication and reprobate sexual encounters...or both at the same time...depending on my mood...or how much money I had...sigh I miss having a lot of money you know...do u know how much kokane u can buy with just...". "Banj...please focus." said Ode Kahn as Banj's digression had visibly irritated him. "Oh yes. I had other visions which opened my mind to the details of the first vision. The woman was a descendant of the Edochies, the first men. I'm assuming we are all familiar with the tales of the first men and how the Edochies ruled and enslaved the people of Kongdobia until the first Kahn defeated them in the genesis wars? Well, in my visions, this woman used an ancient spell to summon the spirits of the Edochies. These forces can only be summoned by the Edochie bloodline and require the summoner to sacrifice his or her own life to complete the spell. In return, the spirits will vanquish the enemy of the summoner and grow in strength, usually by possessing a host." Banj paused to scratch his crotch area before continuing "If they are allowed to reach full strength, the spirit of the Edochie's will consume the host and the enemy of the summoner and use them to do whatever they desire...which, in this case, is to conquer kill the Kahns and conquer Kongdobia". King Kahn's attention had been wrapped around every word that came out of Banj's mouth. He did not know whether to believe the man alcoholic drug addict or order the palace physicians to assess his sanity. "Ok, lets say I believe what you have said. What do they want to the sceptre? why take it from me?". Banj seemed distracted by events occurring within the crotch of his pants "Urgh! why is this thing so damn itchy? Beeb! when was the last time you washed these?". Beeb, who had gone into the kitchen and returned with drinks for the royal guests answered "Last month father". "Last month? no wonder they are so itchy. I told you I don't like clean clothes, idiot pikin. Anyways, they took the sceptre because the power of ever lasting wood is what defeated them the last time they encountered a Kahn. The power which has been in your family for centuries is an ancient force which the Edochie's underestimated when they first fought the first Kahn. Now, they have preemptively neutralized that power by taking it away from you...or so they think." said Banj with a smirk. "What do you mean by that? " asked Ode Kahn. "Well I had another vision a few days ago that revealed the true power of the royal sceptre. It has none. Granted, it is a conduit for the power of ever lasting wood, but the power is not in the sceptre at all. It is in you. It is in the Kahn. The power of everlasting wood merely flows from you into the royal sceptre. The spirits have taken the sceptre but were not able to fully relieve you of the power you Kahn's possess. However, they did succeed in blocking it withing you. As you are, the power of ever lasting wood cannot manifest because the Edochie's spirit placed a barrier over it within you. In essence, retrieving the sceptre is pointless, what you need to do is remove the barriers to unleash the power within you before the Edochie's return to full strength. E dey make sense?". King Kahn felt like every sentence Banj uttered placed a heavy stone on his shoulders. He motioned for his guards to clear a small patch of space on a couch opposite Banj and sat down beside a small pile of used condoms, bottles and clothes. "So...ok..." he began, sounding confused and scared. "Ok so why take the sceptre and leave me with a stick? and is this why the Kahn's always had to take a wife? because a Kahn cannot fully summon the power of everlasting wood without a queen? is that why?". "Ah! you are starting to catch on King Kahn." replied  "A Kahn cannot be king without the power of everlasting wood and the power cannot fully manifest for the king without a queen. As for the stick, it was simply a sign of mockery from the spirits of the Edochies. They took away the power of everlasting wood and ridicule you by replacing it with a useless piece of wood". King Kahn let out a sigh and rubbed his forehead contemplating everything he had just heard and asked "So what do I have to do". Banj called for Beeb and whispered into his ear. Beeb responded by dashing into another room and returning with a bag in his hands and placed the bag on the table with the khalifa pipe. Banj opened the bag and retrieved a small transparent pouch filled with white powder, another transparent bag filled with what looked like green shredded grass and three green bottles, one with out labels and the other two having yellow covers and yellow labels around them. He laid them out on the table carefully and when he was done, looked at king Kahn with a smile on his face and said "Kokane, e dey. Mariwana, e dey. Seerup or Alor-mor, that one sef dey. For my last vision, I see sey the only way to restore your power na to find wife. I no sey to find wife don dey hard you since tey tey so for you to find the one babe wey fit your spec, you sef go follow see vision with me. Pick one of these make me high together. You no fit do am alone because na me get the eye wey dey see spiritual tings. Pick one and we go high, you go see your wife, then you gats go find am, marry am, restore your power and save our nyash before them bad belle Edochie's use use chop suya. U hear?" King Ode Kahn sat with an expression of digust, disbelief and exhaustion on his face. It was obvious he had no other options at the moment.

Outside, listening to every word being uttered in the room, was Akunai. After hearing Banj's offer to king Kahn, he unsheathed his sword and charged into the room. He was the head of the royal guard, he had trained most of the men remaining guards in the room with the king, it would be easy to slay them all. He burst into the room, sent his sword into the belly of the guard closest to him and screamed "In the name of the first men, the true rulers of Kongdobia, I swear to kill you all"

to be continued 

Read More

King Ode Kahn and Curse of The Royal Sceptre

In the far away kingdom of Kongdobia, lived a king named Ode Kahn. King Kahn was the last descendant of royal Kahn bloodline which had sat on the throne of Kongdobia and ruled the kingdom for centuries. The Kahn bloodline was the oldest and most respected bloodline in the kingdom and was revered not only because it was a royal bloodline but also because the dynasty stretched as far as the days of the early men when Kongdobia was under the tyranny of the the barbaric Edochies. The first Kahn conquered the early men and brought about centuries of prosperity and peace to Kongdbia through the power of the royal sceptre. The royal sceptre, infused with the power of everlasting wood, had been used by the first Kahn, Doro Kahn, to subdue and defeat the first Edochie's and was traditionally passed down to the bloodline to the first son born to a ruling Kahn. King Ode Kahn, the present king of Kongdobia, had inherited this mark of power and peace from his father, Van Kahn, and had also been told that for the sceptre to maintain its power of everlasting wood, a Kahn must take a wife and use the union of man and woman to sustain the sceptre's power and prolong peace of prosperity in the kingdom. However, King Ode had found it difficult to take a wife as he had found no woman in the kingdom worthy of his affection. Ode Kahn may have been a proud king but he was also shrewd in his dealings with women of the kingdom for many of them only sought his affection to satisfy their selfish ulterior motives. It had been 16 years since Ode Kahn had come of age to take a wife and he had quickly learned that the women of Kongdobia would do and say anything to share in the glory the royal sceptre brings to the king and queen of the kingdom. Ode Kahn had been presented with hundreds of women from many houses in the kingdom and none of them had found worthy in the eyes of the Kahn. In two days, there would be another presentation of houses and every house in the kingdom would bring forth a woman who they hoped would be the next queen of Kongdobia. One house had been looking forward to this day more than any other.

Ozor sat in the middle of her living room staring at her gown. She had made it herself and adorned it with so many gems that many in the house of Kwor feared she might blind the King if he stared at her for too long. There were jewels at strategic positions on the chest and crotch area of the gown and she made extra efforts to sew in added padding at the rear of the gown just to make sure the king noticed her among the hundreds of other women who would be at the presentation the next day. Ozor was the first daughter of the house of Kwor and had been attending presentations since she was 6 years old. As a child, she had attended as spectator, watching as numerous women presented themselves in the presence of the one they had hoped would be their king, each failing to catch the attention of the King Ode the boy king. When she came of age, she attended as a prospective queen, appearing on several occasions and failing, like the women she watched as a child, to find favour in the eyes of the King Kahn. With every failed attempt, she had grown more contemptuous of the king. King Kahn had found her unworthy on so many occasions and intense feelings of scorn and disdain had filled her heart for the king. In her younger years, she wished to marry the king because she was certain he was her soul mate. She had dreamt of kissing him in the throne room, basking in the glory of the royal sceptre of everlasting wood and ruling Kongdobia at the right hand side of the King, her husband. However, a lot had changed for Ozor between then and now. Ozor wished she could stop attending the presentations and putting herself on display for the arrogant king to embarrass with his egotistical refusals. Ozor had become the topic of kingdom gossip and she knew she was the laughing stock of the kingdom because of the her numerous attempts at winning the king's heart. She had sworn to make each and every one of them pay when she became queen. Everyone who laughed at her and mocked her would pay severely for their disrespect. The king would too, for he had been the reason they had seen her as nothing more than a pariah in the kingdom. He had shook his head in refusal to Ozor on too many occasions, but he would not tomorrow, she had made sure of it. She had made efforts to ensure that tomorrow would be King Kahn's last presentation and he would either choose her as his queen or Kongdobia would need a new king. She continued staring at her gem-covered gown for the presentation running her fingers across the seams and gems in the gown with a malicious smile on her face.

Ode Kahn had lost count of the number of presentations he had been made to attend. He had definitely also lost count of the number of women who had attended the presentations seeking to be crowned queen of Kongdobia. Sometimes a woman would step forward during the presentations and he would remember her from her previous attempts at past presentations. Some women went to great lengths to sway his affection their way. Some would sing, some of would dance, some of sing and dance at the same time and some would sing and dance while taking their clothes off in his presence. Sometimes these presentations amused him, other times they left him feeling exasperated. He had given up being optimistic about these presentations and had attended them with a certain nonchalance which tended to annoy some of the heads of the house presenting their women. He did not care though, as far as he was concerned, all they wanted were the wealth of the Kahn and the power of the Sceptre. They would never get it as long as he remained King of Kongdobia. "Today's presentation would likely be no different from the rest" thought Ode Kahn as he walked down the royal hallway heading to the throne room, royal sceptre in hand. "Who knows, I may finally find a wife today...unlike the other 300 times I've tried" he thought sarcastically as he emerged through the doors into the throne room and was greeted with the royal trumpets blaring the Kongdobian anthem. He walked to his throne, taking a moment to look around the room and estimating how many houses and women were in attendance. He motioned to the trumpeters to cease playing and addressed the crowd, "Good morning Kongdobia. It is I, your King. Tradition demands that a King Kahn must have a queen for the kingdom to prosper under the protection of the royal sceptre and its everlasting wood. With this in mind, you are all here, yet again, to hopefully witness me find one of the women here worthy to sit at my right hand. I will not bore you with my words anymore, let us begin..." 

Ozor watched as women from every house in the kingdom presented themselves to King Kahn and each of them had been found unworthy. Ozor had been comparing each of these women to herself throughout the presentations and had concluded that they were neither as pretty as she was or as royally dressed as her. She had painted and blushed her face with the best powders of the kingdom and had doused herself with the richest perfumes she could find. Her hair had been tended to by the best stylists in Kongdobia and her handmade dress had no equal in the throne room today. King Kahn would have no choice but to choose her to be his queen. He would have to because no other option would be advisable for him or the kingdom. Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the words of the royal announcer, "None have been found worthy yet! Next, Ozor of the house of Kwor. Present yourself to his highness, King Kahn of Kongdobia"

Ode Khan was already exhausted. He had stopped counting at 102 and hours of presentations had left him tired and irritable. So far, he had been presented with a poem which had been recited by a woman with a voice more deep and coarse than that of the first Kahn. He had been tortured with a song and dance rendition which he mistook for a demonic possession and one woman had told him, in explicit detail, how being his queen would grant him unlimited access to the wonders between her legs. She even brought her former lovers to testify to the goodness of the wonders, which they took turns in doing. All 10 of them. He glanced at the crowd of remaining women who had yet to present themselves and let out an inaudible sigh. If he had known this was what he would have to endure as King of Kongdobia, his first act as king would have been to either abolish these presentations or simply have every woman in the nation tested for cases of malady or psychosis. King Kahn was lost in his own thoughts as the next women stepped forward to present herself. However, the sight of her quickly jolted him back to reality. 

Ozor stepped forward in her long flowing gem-endowed dress and the sunlight from the windows struck her dress in such an angle that the glare blinded many in the throne room. Those who were not blinded by the glare from the gems on the dress were not spared an assault on their sense as her perfume forced many to cover their noses not because the scent was foul but because it was so intense and overpowering. She approached the center of the presentation circle and bowed to the king who, at this point, was shielding his eyes with his left hand and waving his sceptre at her. Ozor could not help but smile, the king had obviously seen that she was the only woman in the hall worthy to be called his queen..

Ode Kahn did not know which of his senses to protect first. With the royal sceptre in his right hand. he had shielded his eyes with his left and attempted to use the sceptre to fan away the severely potent scent which had filled the throne room. He peaked through his fingers to catch a glimpse of the woman who was presenting herself and immediately knew that even if he could forgive the blinding dress and the offensive perfume, he could not forgive the monstrous makeup and hairdo she had chosen for her presentation. She had face as pale as the buttocks of snow giants and had blushed her cheeks redder than ripe tomatoes. Her eyelashes were so long and thick that he could swear he heard her blink and her hair had been extended and dyed with so many colours that he could not tell if she was a woman or a rainbow. She had barely began to introduce herself when he made his decision. 

"Unworthy?!!" Ozor thought as she stared at the king with her mouth agape. She had barely even begun her introduction. She attempted to speak again and the king simply waved his hand in refusal and motioned her to leave. "My goodness woman.." he said. "Why did you chose to assault your king and your people this way? Did you do this on purpose or was this a cruel mistake the gods allowed you to make? Please, for the sake of this throne room and the people within it, remove yourself from our presence." Ozor stood there, soaked in shame. Once again she had been found unworthy, but this time, the King had worsened his refusal by embarrassing her in front of hundreds. She could hear the disapproving comments from the people in the crowd, "My goodness, what was she thinking?", "Is she mad, did she want to kill us?", "Isn't this her 100th appearance at these presentations? maybe she got desperate". The comments, the refusal, the embarrassment, it all made her shame quickly contort into anger. Anger that would be the end of King Kahn and his kingdom. "ENOUGH!!!" She screamed as she wiped tears from her eyes. "I said enough! King Kahn you have embarrassed me for the last time. I have watched you refuse nothing but mad and horny women all day today and you refuse me too? Do you really consider me equals with these horrible mistakes that have tried to win your affection today? I give you one more chance. Look upon me again and find me worthy or your refusal will bring doom to you and your kingdom". Look upon me again King Kahn...it is for your own good.

"Surely not another mad woman"  thought King Kahn. "Only a mad woman would subject her king and her people to such punishment and then aggregate her circumstances by threatening the king in his throne room". He motioned to his guards while still speaking to Ozor, " There is no way in 7 hells that I will find you worthy. You have appeared before me in the most ridiculous outfits and insulted me in my own home. Guards! escort this woman out of the palace. I have had enough of these ludicrous presentations for one day. If she dares speak another word against me..." his words were interrupted by Ozor has a bright burst of light shot forth from where she stood.

While the King had been talking,, Ozor dislodged several gems from her dress, muttered incantations under her breath and hurled them at the ground. a bright light exploded from the the gems as they hit the floor and it rendered everyone in the room paralysed. She looked around the room, ensuring that no one could move and made her way towards King Kahn who was sitting on his throne completely motionless with his left hand still shielding his eyes and his royal sceptre pointed towards Ozor. "Unworthy?" she began, as she pulled out a dagger from under her gown. "You find me unworthy, King Kahn? You find me disrespectful to you and insulting to your kingdom? Do you realize how many times you have rejected me? Do you know how many times you've left me insulted and disrespected right in this very room?". She leaned in towards King Kahn's face, pressing the blade of her dagger on his neck. "You think you are so handsome don't you. With your pretty face and royal sceptre. You think you are every woman's dream, that's why you so arrogantly refuse us every month. Month after month, we gather here to stroke your ego and make you feel even more pompous because you are the King Kahn who cannot find a worthy women to be his queen. No more I say. No more!" She pressed the dagger into the king's neck and blood tricked onto the blade. "I know you can not move, but you can hear me. I could have killed you, you know? Killed you right here and none of your guards or your magic sceptre would be able to save you. I won't though" Ozor dislogded another set of gems from her gown and smeared the king's blood on the gems. "You love that royal sceptre so much King Kahn. You and your ancestors used your everlasting wood to conquer this land and crown yourselves rulers of Kongdobia. You killed the first Edohies and almost ended our bloodline. That sceptre was what gave you the power to take the lives of my fathers and almost end our bloodline. Even till this day, you Kahns still find ways to torment us. You mock me in a kingdom you stole from my fathers. You deem me unworthy to rule as queen of a land where I should be seen as a deity rather than some poor unfortunate woman seeking your affection. No more King Kahn. Today, the era of the Kahn's will come to an end. Today, you lose your power. You lose Kongdobia". She stepped back, away from the king, to the center of the throne room and with blood stained gems in hand, stretched out her arms and began reciting

"Blood of a Kahn, blood of a first, here my voice. I am Ozor, of the house of Kwor. Daughter of the first bloodline and avenger of the Edochies. Fathers, hear my words. Your kingdom was stolen, your slaves have forgotten their masters and your murderers rule your lands. I, Ozor of the house of Kwor, hereby give my life to restore what was yours. The Kahns and their royal sceptre of everlasting wood took what was not theirs to take. Today, with the blood of a Kahn on my life gems, and my life as an offering, take from them as they took from you. This I ask, with my life."

King Kahn had been forced to watch Ozor, completely unable to move. He had felt the blade prick his neck and had tried to move his hands to stop Ozor but couldn't. He watched her smear his blood on gems, recite her incantation and then slit her throat. He screamed for her to stop, but no sound came forth from his mouth. His body slumped to the ground, blood pouring from her throat and forming a dark red pool around her body. Suddenly, the blood moved. It moved like a thick red snake, flowing across the floor of the throne room towards the throne. Sllithering it's way up King Kahn's legs, across his chest and arm and unto the sceptre. King Kahn felt the blood curl itself around his arm and the sceptre and then a sharp burning sensation quickly followed. The blood seemed to be burning the sceptre but leaving King Ode Kahn's arm unharmed. Merely seconds later, the blood floated off his arm into the air and then explode into absolute nothingness, immediately releasing Ode Kahn and everyone in the room from their paralysis. King Kahn immediately clutched his throat, hoping to stop anymore blood flow, if any. He looked around the throne room, ushering his guards to inquire about the safety of his subjects. He then suddenly realized everyone in the room was now staring at him, specifically the royal sceptre in his hand. Confused, he looked at the sceptre, and realised why they had all been staring, the sceptre of ever lasting wood was gone. What he held in his hand was a mere stick. Suddenly, a voice from the crowd said

"By the gods, it has happened. King Kahn...we are in grave danger. I should have known. I should have stopped it. Now, we will all die"

To be Continued

Read More

A love letter to my fingers

Dear Fingers,

I don't think I give you guys enough credit. I do not show you how much I care about you and appreciate everything you do for me. You've been an ever-present companion. An friend who literally sticks closer than a brother. You have been there for me in times of uncertainty, curiosity, weakness and strength. This is just my way of showing how much you mean to me and it is but a minute rendition of how I really feel and an insufficient portrayal of your true worth.

Fingers, you have been with me since birth. From my curious infancy to my inquisitive adulthood, you have been a constant channel for many moments of uncertainty and exploration. With every moment, when my need to "know" has peaked, you have been the pioneer explorer and have consequently been a victim of my unending and insatiable curiosity. I have placed you into numerous situations which have left you burned, numb, electrocuted, pricked and sliced. For this, I am sorry. My curiosity has been your undoing on several occasions and even though I can not promise that you will no longer be victim of my need to investigate and understand the things of the world, I can promise that with every instance where I send you forth to chart unknown territory, be it the temperature of the face of a pressing iron, sharpness of a blade or possibility of current passing through a set of wires, you will have sacrificed yourself and your selflessness will never go unappreciated ever again. I am also certain my tongue and nose appreciate your sacrifice as well because we all know that if I had no fingers and I wanted to check how hot a bucket of water was, they would be the ones I'd use in your place. Imagine.

As a child, I sucked my thumb. I sucked that finger to the point where it started looking pale and shriveled like I had Joan Rivers for a finger. Finger, you spent an obscene amount of time in my mouth where you were drenched in toddler saliva and suffered relentless sucking. I did this without considering your well-being and I reaped nothing but selfish infantile satisfaction. As if this wasn't enough, I've made you pick, pull and flick in my nose, ears and mouth and you did it all without a single complaint. Like some deranged nasal-miner, I've made you pull boogers from my nose. You've picked food from between my teeth when I was too barbaric to use a toothpick and I've stuck you into my own throat to jump-start vomits. For all this and more, I am sorry. I'm sorry it took me this long to acknowledge your bravery and realize that without you, I am just a man with a nose full of boogers.

Fingers, they have been carnal and you have not judged them. I say "they" and "them" because you and I have never been involved in anything deviant, unlike these lustful hedonists. These heathens have forced you to explore, pinch, poke and prod in so many lewd places simply for sensual gratification and you have done it all with total disregard for your own moral disposition and hygiene. We both know that they fail to recognize your contribution to most of their coital activities and may never ever see you for the real maverick you are when it comes to poking and sliding. That is why I am taking it upon myself to be a proxy for their appreciation. On their behalf, I'd like to thank you for letting them use you to fulfill their lecherous desires and I hope that this letter will make more people appreciate the work you do so effortlessly and willingly.

As I come to the end of this letter, I'd like to also highlight some of the things you do that has gone unappreciated by myself and a large portion of society. Thank you for being there for us when we want to point, click, swipe, pick, twiddle, press, double-tap and so much more. They may seem like menial tasks but you do them without pride or prejudice. Please accept this letter for what it is, a acknowledgement of your importance and miniature token of my appreciation.

Fingers, you the real MVP.

Robert. 

Read More

When a rich guy wants you....

I was listening to Chris Brown's "Loyal" and the chorus just makes me laugh all the time, "When a rich nigga wants you, and your man can't do nothing for you...". It's funny because this is actually a serious problem. Money is changing the way people are dating, particularly in Nigeria. Personally, I think it's a combination of several factors but the main one is definitely greed.

Please note that from here on out, when I say "Rich guys", I'm not referring to the recharge card buyers and PHCN electricty credit suppliers. There're levels to this.... 

Love is expensive these days. I say this because I believe I'm not the only one who agrees that falling in love is now a financial investment. You need to consider if you have the capital to start the relationship and the deep pockets to maintain a certain standard of living for you and your partner. Why? because for every girlfriend out there, there are over 20 other guys, both single and married, who will gladly be willing to invest in your woman. Am I being to ambiguous? Ok let me rephrase. Your girlfriend could have 20 boyfriends, including you, and those 20 boyfriends will be capable of taking care of her whether you can or can not. Let me make one thing clear at this point, this is in no way a generalization. This isn't the case for every girlfriend and not every relationship is vulnerable to the outside influence of money. Not every Nigerian girl is swayed by money and it doesn't even matter how well off the girl is, whether rich or poor, not every Nigeria girl can be financially manipulated. However, we're talking about the ones that can be swayed because their gist is far more interesting isn't it? Exactly. 

Now I'll ask you ladies this question, What do you do when a rich guy wants you and your present man can't take care of you? I know the first reference for most of your replies will be "Love". If you love your present man, no amount of money will sway you to leave him for a rich guy. Right?...story. That's in theory isn't it? Granted, some girls will fend off every rich guy who tries to steal her from her man but there are a good number of girlfriends out there who will switch lanes quicker than a premature ejac' in fast-forward. You see greed is simply wanting more than you need and that's the source of the recurring problem we're see in relationships today. One guy has multiple girlfriend's, each one serving some carnal coital purpose, all predominately acquired by financial persuasion. On the other side, one girl has multiple "benefactors" who she informally exchanges "companionship" with for money because money makes her life so much better. The sheer excess of money in the hands of the sexually-greedy Nigerian man, combined with the a greedy Nigerian girl's insatiable financial appetite, all combine to form the growing trend of multi-dating in Nigeria. Am I exaggerating? Well answer this then, If a rich guy comes for a girl who is dating a man who can't take care of her, do you think the rich guy's chances of getting the girl are slim? Haba! "...these hoes aint loyal".

 Loyalty and faithfulness are disappearing fast among Nigerian relationships. There's obviously no official statistic except the fact that as you are reading this, you know at least one guy with multiple girlfriends and/or one girl with multiple boyfriends. Greed. We cant see to have enough of anything these days. The motive is, if you can have more, why settle for less. For the rich guy, it's an ego-fueled challenge to acquire wealth and use this wealth to acquire female companionship. It's not just about the sex. It's about the immoral satisfaction of ego. The more women he can "maintain", the more satisfied his ego becomes. Problem is, egos are usually insatiable. For the girl, the chance of a rich guy coming into your life holds the promise of a better standard of living. The more guys you maintain, the higher your standard of living. Couple that with the general state of of the Nigerian education system and labour market and you have a situation where multiple boyfriends and high influx of multi-dating cash seems more lucrative than filling out job applications.

The thing is, I can understand why money is such a deciding factor these days. Why would a girl want to suffer when she can enjoy. Why would she want a trip to Obudu cattle ranch for Valentine's day when someone can offer her a weekend in Paris? It's almost insane to invest in Kito when you could be rocking red bottoms. Can a brother really afford to fall in love then? In this economic-relationship market? Like i said, we are not generalizing here. It would be a waste of time for one "good girl" to start a riot just because I'm saying loyalty is a myth in the face of money. Don't fight me, fight the hoes.

Read More

Transformers: Obi's H.E.A.D. II

Episode Recap:

Dr. Saint Obi: Formerly in possession of the Sphere but killed while being pursued by Eguje

Eguje: Anunobicon who transforms into a Police car. Ordered to retrieve H.E.A.D. at all costs

Somto Okoro: Nephew of Dr. Saint Obi and currently in possession of The Sphere

Gidibee: Robot who transforms into a Yellow Black Taxi. Currently protecting H.E.A.D & Somto from Eguje.

and now for Part 2.....

Somto sat back in the passenger seat of what he now knew as a talking robot transforming taxi cab, GidiBee, speeding down the highway with a another transforming robot car in hot pursuit. A little light on Gidibee's dashboard lit up and "PING!!" flashed across the windshield followed by "Gidibee! Is the sphere secure?". 'I think someone's.....texting you?" Somto said. Gidibee remained silent but another message typed it's way onto the screen "Yes Prime. I've gotten H.E.A.D. Currently in my possession as well as the nephew but...", a second reply followed "...Eguje is in pursuit. Rendevous after neutralisation Brb". Seconds later, a reply flashed on the screen, "be careful Gidibee. Protect the sphere and Somto at all costs. Ttyl". Gidibee sped into a junction and swerved left, screeching tyres leaving a thick scent of burning rubber, "Somto, I need to draw Eguje away from innocent civilians. Geo-scans of the area show an abandoned construction site 0.5miles from our position so that's where were headed. Hold on"

They crashed through the loosely chained gate of the construction yard and Gidibee sped towards a dusty skip at the end of the yard. The passenger door popped open and he swerved infront of the skip tossing Somto through the open door onto the a pile of abandoned timber and mattresses in it. "Take cover and wait Somto. Keep the sphere safe and stay low until I'm done" said Gidibee as he shifted into Robot form and aimed at the construction yard entrance with a massive revolving canon which had egressed from his right arm. Eguje sped into the yard and Gidibee fired several shots at the pursuing Anunobicon who veered, transformed mid-drive and rolled under the last 2 shota before diving headfirst into Gidibee's midsection sending the grunting yellow & black robot crashing into the uncompleted building behind. Somto watched as Eguje threw punches at Gidibee who blocked and ducked each one before landing a metal crunching uppercut, sending the Anunobicon flying backwards. Eguje rolled to its feet, pulled out a canon from it's left thigh and shot at Gidibee who took cover behind subsequent pillars as Eguje blasted each one to bits. The Anunobicon charged at him shooting as Gidibee pulled out a thick metal rod from an uncompleted pillar and hurled it at Eguje, spearing him in d shoulder. He pulled out the rod from his shoulder, which bled sparks and pieces of metal, just in time to parry a Gidibee left hook but not the following midriff kick which sent the anunobicon staggering backwards. Eguje fired at the advancing Gidibee who deftly sidestep the shot, grabbed its firing arm and crashed his elbow into it, severing it from Eguje's body. He then grabbed the severed arm and swung it at Eguje, smacking the damaged Anunobicon in the face. The defiant one-armed Anunobicon threw a fleeting punch at Gidibee who leaned away from it and blasted the arm off with a severing canon shot to the shoulder. The armless Eguje feebly kicked Gidibee backwards & shifted back into its police car form, in an attempt to escape but it was futile as Gidibee took aim and fired a flurry of shots landing scorching hits on the fleeing police car which flipped and spun with each hit before hitting the ground as a lifeless heap of metal. Somto, still hiding in the skip, emerged with the sphere in hand as Gidibee approached him with his canon retracting back into his right arm. "Are you ok Somto?" He asked. "I'm fine" Somto replied, staring at d downed Anunobicon, "...that was friggin amazing!!". "Thank you but we must move quickly and rendevous with the others" said Gidibee as he shifted back into the yellow and black taxi cab. Somto slid into d passenger seat and they pulled out of the construction yard and drove off.

They'd parked in large backalley and Somto stood beside Gidibee while he transformed into Robot form, pulled out a little black device from its left wrist and began typing on it "Wait while I ping the others" said Gidibee. A few minutes later, Somto heard the sound of approaching vehicles and a series of bright headlights appear at the other end of the alley. As they got closer, Somto recognised each vehicle: a silver Honda Accord on the far left, a black Hummer right beside it, a red volkswagen Camper on the far right and Big blue Tipper with a red bonnet in the centre. The vehicles stopped a few yards from Somto and Gidibee with d Tipper further forward than the rest and, just like Gidibee and Eguje, they transformed. The Accord shifted into a mid-sized robot who stepped over to the wall on his right and leaned on it playing what sounded like "Bad Guy". The Camper shifted into a larger-sized robot and step forward towards Somto. The Hummer transformered into a bulkier Robot than the last two and finally the Tipper transformed into a gigantic Robot who walked towards Somto, crouched and spoke

"Good evening Somto Okoro" it said.

"....Goo-good evening..." replied a stuttering Somto.

"Do not be afraid. We mean you no harm" said the Tipper robot.

"err ok. Shey you will explain what's been going on abi? cos one minute I'm getting a glass of water at home and the next, I'm being chased by a crazy police car robot and watching two robots beat the crap out of each other from the comfort of a skip".

"All will be explained soon Somto. Do you have the sphere?" asked the Tipper.

"Yes I do" replied somto, handing over the seemingly coveted object to him. The robot took the sphere and latched it onto an exposure in its chest which clamped the sphere down.

"Finally brothers, we've retrieved H.E.A.D. Please Somto, permit me to introduce ourselves." He turned to the accompanying robots and began:

"We are the Lasmabots. This is 2-Shot" pointing at the Hummer Robot to his right. "My Lieutenant and our weapons expert. We've seen many battles together and he's both a fine soldier and a loyal friend" 2-Shot pulled out massive glowing canons on each of his arms and looked at each of them before staring at Somto saying "..492 and countinng....".

"He's been keeping count of the number of Anunobicons he's deautomated." said Egbon who proceeded to his left, "This is Panelbeater, our chief medical officer. Many Lasmabots have been saved from de-automation thanks of him. Panelbeater, who'd been approached by Gidibee, seemed to be scanning his fellow Lasmabot. He nodded at Somto and said to Gidibee "No serious damage detected Gidibee. Nice work"

Egbon continued, "Our intelligence expert, Diskus" gesturing to the leaning Honda Accord robot who immediately stopped the playing music and sprang towards them on introduction "Yes boss!" Diskus said. "How far Somto wetin dey happen? I hear sey you and Gidibee enter small gbese before. Gidibee handle the situation like a boss abi? Sure bot!"

"Where did you learn to talk like that" asked Somto, to which Egbon replied. "Gidilounge. He's spent quite some time studying human culture and communication. Apparently this language & English are the most common syntax of communication." Suddenly the music started playing again "Yes boss" said Diskus "Somto no worry, boyz don show and Egbon dey your side so, nothing dey happen."

Egbon proceed "You've already met our recon officer Gidibee. I am Egbon Prime, leader of the Lasmabots. We have come here from our home planet Alabatron in search of this sphere, the Hyper Evo-Alabatron Database or H.E.A.D. You must have a lot of questions and hopefully this will answer them"."Alabatron was once a peaceful planet where our race flourished for many megacenturies, surviving on our power source, Alomogeon. As our technology and intelligence evolved, a rogue faction called the Anunobicons, led by the malevolent Eucharitron, sought to seize power of our planet, all its Alomogeon and thereafter, the galaxy. We, the Lasmabots, chose to fight back and thus began the Alabatronian civil war. We fought for many centuries and inevitably depleted our planets resources, draining it of all its Alomogeon. In the end, our planet could no longer sustain our race and the battles between the Lasmabots and Anunobicons spread to other parts of the galaxy. This sphere is the origin of our planet. It is the pinnacle of Alabatronian engineering and contains the purest known form of Alomogeon. It basically holds the key to saving Alabatron. Many years ago, the first Prime, Arugbo Prime, embarked on a mission to discover a planet void of life so we could rebuild Alabatron with the sphere. However he was ambushed by Euchariatron and his fiendish Anunobicons before he could locate a viable uninhabited planet. He fought valiantly and managed to fend them off but was mortally wounded and couldn't complete his mission. He made it to earth and that's where your uncle, Dr. Saint Obi, through circumstances we are not quit certain of yet, found him and the sphere. We sent Gidibee in search of both of them and after searching countless planets, he tracked them down to Earth but only found Arugbo's crashed ship which was void of both Arugbo and the Sphere. We had hoped the knowledge of its location was only known to us but after Gidibee encountered Anunobicon presence on earth, he pinged us for reinforcements. The Anunobicon you encountered earlier was Euchariatron's, as human's call it, hitman. A ruthless assassin who was probably ordered to retrieve the sphere too and even though Gidibee handled Eguje, I fear Euchariatron will not be so easily swept aside"

"Seeeeeeeeen" said Somto, who had been listening intently. "So basically, that thing I was carry about is capable if birthing a planet? Na wa! and Gidibee tossed me into a skip with it in my hands? what if it had exploded or something? hmmmmm!. Ok so now that you have it, what will you do next?". he asked

"I'm hoping we can use the sphere's original schematic to rebuild our planet somwhere else. Euchariatron seeks to use Earth as a draft from Alabatron, wiping away humanity and replacing it with Alabatronians. Dr Obi had transcribed Alabatronian text he received from Arugbo Prime before he died and the schematics of the sphere must have been in his possession."

"Err..schematics?" asked a puzzled Somto. "Nope. No idea about that. I did notice some suitcases back home when I first saw the sphere though"

.

"Then they must still be in those suitcases. We must head back to your residence and retrieve them before Euchariatrtron. If Eguje knew the sphere was at your house then the other Aninobicons must have been informed too. We must......." Egbon paused mid-setence, staring intensely behind him...

"What is it Egbon" asked Panelbeater.

"LASMABOTS!!..." bellowed Egbon, who had suddenly unsheathed a glowing matchet from his right hand and had a massive canon in the other. "Battle formation! We have company...."

Read More

Transformers: Obi's H.E.A.D. I

6:34pm. Somto slowly walked home, he recounted how dreadfully boring another day at college had been. He'd managed to muster no motivation for school so far, nothing in general excited him anymore and once again, he felt like his sanity was gradually sipping away courtesy of his constantly dreary life. He tapped a button on his phone, stared at the screen for a few seconds and let out a defeating sigh. "No mentions. No DMs" he said to himself. as much as nothing mattered to him anymore, it also seemed like he didn't matter to anyone either. He arrived at the gate to the house and banged on it, waiting for d gateman to respond. As Kasali unbolted the gate's locks, Somto noticed the police car parked across the street with its tinted windows. "...still there sha...weird" he thought as he once again tried to catch a glimpse of the driver through the tinted windows but couldn't. He'd noticed it 3 days ago and thought it was just making a routine patrol of the neighbourhood but it had parked and not moved from that spot since. Kasali opened the gate, distracting Somto from present thought, and greeted him with his trademark "welcome small oga." Somto walked past the gateman, who looked slightly irritated and hasty, and entered the house with only food & sleep on his mind. Kasali, relieved to see the back of Somto, locked the gate and returned to the Indian porn VCD which small oga had rudely interrupted. Somto made his way to the kitchen, mentally noting the voices in the living room, and as he pulled out a pot, plate and 3 satchets of Indomie noodles, he realised the voices belonged to his father and Uncle Obi. Somto urged himself to pop into d living room to say hello but the need to feed himself and sleep wouldn't permit any detours tonight. 5 minutes later, with a bowl of steamy indomie in one hand and a glass of water in the other, he retired to his bedroom for what would be an almost acceptable end to another boring day. Meanwhile, the parked Police Car, which hadn't moved in three days started it's engine....

Obi could only pray it was safe. He'd handed over 2 suitcases and a large cannister to his brother for safe keeping but made sure he convinced him it was merely excess luggage which he could not take with him on his little vacation to London. Obi knew it was the only he he could guarantee it's safety and hopefully, if he hadn't been followed, it would stay safe in his brother's care until it was needed. "Heaven forbid it fall into their hands....." he thought, as he drove out through his brother's gate and sped off towards the airport. He loved his brother dearly but he knew secrecy was the only way to ensure the item's safety and ossibly the safety of mankind. His conscience tore at him like a invisible beast and deep down, a pestering voice reminded him that he had possibly put the his brother's entire household in danger. He glanced at the rearview mirror and spotted a police car, with tinted windows behind him. His gazed returned to the road ahead momentarily before quickly snapping back to the rear-view mirror again. "CHINEKE!" he screamed as the police car passed under a lit streetlight and he recognised the glinting insignia on its bonnet. He planted his foot firmly on the accelarator and the needle on the speedometer swung across the dial. Obi swung his steering hands to the right, hurling his 1997 Peugeot 504 into a right turn as it's tyres screeched on the road beneath. He looked up at the red light he'd just sped past and then behind to see the Police car speedily giving chase and just then, he felt a sudden crushing pain in the left side of his body just before his world went dark. The Tanker had come out of nowhere and smashed into the left side of the Peugeot hurling a grotesque mixture of metal, flesh and blood through it's passernger window. The Tanker screeched to a halt and as onlookers gathered and gasped at Obi's bloody carcase in the driver's seat, The Police Car pulled up behind the wreckage....

"Eguje transmitting.......

Target Obi: Terminated........

Scanning for H.E.A.D...................N/A. H.E.A.D not found.

Awaiting orders...."

None of the onlookers heard the car's transmission but and some started to wonder why a Police car was parked so idly at the scene of an accident. A few seconds later, it received a response

"Transmission received.

If H.E.A.D is not with Dr. Obi then he must have left it at his last location.

Return to the Okoro residence and retrieve it at all cost.

End Transmission"

Egujecon screeched into a 180 degree turn and sped down the road back to the Okoro's. It weaved past other vehicles whose drivers honked their horns in complaint, and swerved away from screaming pedestrians who scuttled to pavements to avoid the speeding police car.

"Orders confirmed.

Enroute: Okonkwo residence. H.E.A.D must be retrieved.

All Hail Euchariatron"

Back at the Okoro residence, Somto's had awoken with a thirst. He made is way down to the kitchen and noticed the odd looking cylindrical cannister on the dining table. Curiosty overtook thirst now and he grabbed the cannister, twisted the top off, turned it upside down and tap it's bottom until an odd looking spherical item fell onto the table. It was an odd looking thing with weird markings across the surface. Somto picked it up and stared at it confusingly for a few minutes before it suddenly started vibrating in his hands and glowing. Somto, confused and curious now, attempted to recognise the markings on the sphere and at that very moment, a yellow & black taxi crashed through the kitchen wall. It stopped in the middle of the room amidst a pile of rubble and Somto watched as the cab creaked and twisted until bonnet broke apart into chestplate, tires flipped into ankles and what was a cab a few seconds ago, had now become a Huge Robot crouched in the kitchen possibly to avoid destroying the ceiling.

"Somto Okoro?" It asked. Somto, frozen with fright, stared back without reply. "Are you Somto Okoro? Do you have H.E.A.D?"

"ye-ye-yes...I'm Somto. What the hell.....wetin be dis? What the hell are you?!"

The Robot glanced at Somto's hand, spotted the sphere and immediately shifted back into it's previous yellow and black cab form. Somto could hear Kasali screaming in hausa outside the house but his mind was far more interested in the Robot-car transformation going on in the kitchen. The passenger door opened by itself and the car spoke more urgently this time...

"Your life is in danger Somto. You must come with me now. Get in now"

"Come with you where?" Somto asked, clutching the sphere close to his chest. "Na so people go just enter moto wey dey change to Robot abi? What is going on?"

Before the cab could reply, a burning bright wave of light shot through the kitchen wall, past Somto and hit the wall behind him. A series of shots followed and Somto caught a glimspe of what looked like another Robot, with Police car parts and markings, running towards the house.

"SOMTO! get in the car now!" commanded the cab.

Somto dove into the gaping passernger's seat and as the door shut behind him, the cab reversed out of the kitchen, slammed into the shins of the oncoming Police car robot and sent it tumbling over them. The cab spun the other way and accelearated out of the Okoro residence as a watching Kasali wailed "AHHH! Gaskiya Oga go kill am por me tomorrow. Kai!". Somto stuck his head out of the window to see the other robot shift into a familiar looking Police Car and speed after them.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" screamed Somto. "Abeg wetin be all dis one now? what are you?!"

"That was an Anunobicon Somto. I am Gidi-Bee and you need to hold onto that sphere tight and brace yourself. Eguje can be very persistent...."

Read More

The Crazy, The Broke & the downright Worwor

as usual... spell checking is for weaklings...

You know what baffles me? When people don't cut their cloth according to their cloth. I read something a young lady wrote and it went something like this: "I want an independent, handsome, tall, rich man to come and sweep me off my feet. I'm not easy to please so he has his work cut out for him", Naturally I became curious and I decided to check out the author of the statement. You go fear now! I checked the babe out and shock seize me! My people I say shock seize me for throat! I don't want to offend anyone but if the next few sentence rub you the wrong way then na ur fault cos nobody force u 2 read blog. If the babe snags a rich, tall, independent, handsome man then the universe is doing partiality for Jennifer Aniston.

Sometimes you'll hear a woman say "I don't want a man who's too possessive and won't give me space to just be myself, have friends and be independent". Yet the same seemingly normal babes will turn out to be crazyass chicks who do autopsies on laptops and Blackberries just to find that which Facebook profiles you've had the audacity to look up. Have you ever seen a crazy chick in action b4? SHET! It's not a pretty sight. You know what's worse than crazyass chicks? Worwor chicks! Now Thats definitely not a pretty sight. You know what's worse than a Worwor chick? A Worwor chick who calls other people ugly. That, my people, is a new version of insanity where a person is afflicted with the killer 3hit combo of Worwor, self-deceit & the audacity to still open mouth and yarn nonsense. Situations and people like this should be a warning to all mankind that the end is definitely nigh and even if it is, their continued existence is only hastening Armageddons plans

Baffling it is, wen u hear a brokeass woman say she wants a rich man who can afford to buy them all the things they desire. Brokeass chick oh! The kind that has to hustle cab fair to go and visit the potential buyer of all the things she desires. The kind that walks around with an empty purse like a subliminal message to other prospective mugus to come, explore, spend & jonz. I'm talking about the big bad babes who'd rather leech off other people than organise what's left of their self-respect and make something of themselves. In the Hierarchy of Respect, we have The Independent Womam at the top and somewhere in the middle is the Humble Lady who's content with what she has. Then, at the bottom, after Crazyass hypocritical chicks and judgmental Worworass chicks, you'll find Brokeass chicks. Brokeass chicks who don't respect themselves embody the essence of humanities basic problem.......craze!

.......*wipes sweat* Now think happy thoghts

Read More

Hoe: A non-agricultural approach

The following post may rub some of you the wrong way. As usual, spell-checking is for weaklings...

You may have come across the term "Hoe" at some point in your life. You may have heard it in a conversation, used it yourself to "compliment" someone or maybe even had the "honour" of being addressed as one before. Whichever way, it's undeniable that "Hoe" is a part of everyday life. Today, I simply wish to enlighten those who may be mystified by The Hoe. If you already grasp the concept of then this will simply supplement your knowledge. Either way, learning never stops. Today, we learn about The Hoe. Let's Begin

Concept

The origin of the Hoe, like the reason behind Kim Kardashian's fame, is shrouded in mystery. Some say it dates back as far as early 17th century while others say it may even be as old as Sean Connery himself (which is pretty dam old by the way. We may not be able to trace the origin of The Hoe but we can confidently say that like its track record with men/women, it's been around. What or Who is a Hoe then? "A Hoe is a gardening tool used for digging the earth". If you wanna get technical then you can also say "A Hoe is a man or woman who's been with more guys/girls than WAEC". A Hoe is a Slut. An Ashewo. A man-hoe. A pers0n who's decided that come rain or shine, everytime is shagging time (Choc City sign me up!). A hoe will hop on a penis or VJJ faster than you can say 'Osondi Owendi' backwards and if you are wondering if a hoe has self-respect or self-control, the answer is no! These things are foreign to a hoe; for Shame, a hoe has not. The concept of "The Hoe" basically revolves around the nuts of a man or the orifice of a woman. Now that we've elaborated on the concept of The Hoe. Let's move on....

Terms of Use

"Hoe" is usually used to describe a woman who's attained a well above average record in humping anything with 2 & a half legs or sliding into anything regularly willing enough to have bending over as a hobby. It should only be used to identify a woman who deserves the accolade simply because she's turned the space between her legs into a tool free parking zone. For a man to be a Hoe, he must have turned his penis into a VJJ tollgate (Figuratively ofcourse). So, Is "Hoe" an insult? Well that depends on the mentality of the man or woman. Some people strive towards Hoedom and if such a person is called a hoe, it's mission accomplished. Nowadays, Hoe is being used as a salutation, a compliment even. It's common to see girls addressing each other as hoes without ill intent or desire to insult. It's rare to see guys use it on each other outside the usual banter and joke-filled scenarios but it's still considered a misuse of the term. Like drugs, black magic & Soulja Boy, Hoe is a bad thing. It's not a compliment, nor is it praise. Give honour to whom honour is due and Hoedom to who Hoedom deserves.

Evolution & Conclusion

The Evolution of a Hoe is a concept not many researchers have bothered to investigate. It simply focuses on what a Hoe was, is, and will be. The evolution of a Hoe can be determined simply from the woma's track record. For example, that primary school classmate of yours who loved doing "Show me yours and I'll show you mine" during Break time, will probably be the same girl in Secondary school who discovers how many different ways a candle can "light up" her world. She'll probably also be the same one in Uni who's VJJ has more attendants than the library the day before vacation. A habit turns into a character and a character builds a lifestlye. In the end, Hoedom becomes a lifestyle and like Homoerectus became Homosapien, Hoe-trainee becomes Hoe-Director. Same thing for guys, a pervert can be a man-hoe but a man-hoe is not always a pervert. Man-hoes will usually try to conceal their dealings in order not to scare away propestive prey with a bad reputation. However, like fart in crowded elevator, a man-hoe's bad reputation will still spread. The Hoe has not evolved much over the years though, what has evolved are the instruments of Hoedom, a subject which will be discussed in a later post. In conclusion, Hoedom shares a symbiotic relationship with mankind and for as long as we have dick or VJJ (and some have both), Hoes will always exist to offer patronage.

Read More

Technology is evil

(NB: This is a satirical post) Ladies and Gentlemen, I am posting today to bring an argument before you. I am here with one intention and it is to convince you that Technology is evil! It is the the spawn of malevolent minds and intentions. It is the bringer of sorrow and despair. It is the epitome of torment and torture. I won't be making such bold claims if I lacked the evidence to back them up so let me elaborate on why I think the world would have been better off without technology. I will focus on three minions of technology in my argument and they are: Television, Mobile Phones and The Internet. Let us begin

Television:

This is the oldest minion of technology among the three I just listed. It is the four-edged bringer of violence and immorality. Television has evolved from the black and white pictures which dazzled our fore-fathers to the HD ready televisions of today which are ever-ready to bring scenes of gore and kpanching to our very eyes in stunning high definition pictures. Some of you might be saying, "But Scribbles, wetin you dey yan sef? Television is a source of information and not all shows are violent and explicit" and your argument would be completely valid. However, television is not just a bearer of violence and immorality. It is also one of the major sources of depression anxiety, tension and heartache. For Example, where did we all see Sani Kaita show off his kung fu/match-selling skills? At the World Cup via the television. Where did we see Greece beat Nigeria 2-1 and consequently give Zeus and Hercules the right to call Amadioha and Sango their b#tches? On the television. Where did we first see Yakumumu Ayegbeni miss an open net from 3yrds? on the frigging television. I am sorry but despite bringing us Godly channels like TBN, informative channels like CNN and educational yet painfully boring channels like The History Channel, I think Television is a device concocted by diabolical minds to serve us an information-entertainment soft drink but then spike it with sorrow and torment with little ice cubes of kpannching and kpoxing. I am watching a television now and guess what's on? The England manager giving a press conference on England's exit from the World Cup and his future career as their manager. Isn't that just depressing? The man just got kicked out of the competition by a team who almost, if not actually, molested them on the field and you are making him give a press conference instead of getting him to a psychiatrist to make sure the whole ordeal didn't tamper with him mentally? That's just unfair and uncalled for but such is the habit of television. It never fails to milk embarrassment and humiliation out of it's victims and if you think that's a lie why don't you ask Tiger Woods or Umar Mutallab what it feels like to be breaking news.

Mobile Phones:

Take a look at the picture on the left. Take a good hard look at it. That my friends is the face of evil. There is a saying in the Scribble household: "Man wey carry mobile phone no know sey e dey give devil piggyback ride". Despite the questionable source of this saying, it cannot be ignored or denied that mobile phones are indeed the devils minions. Every feature of the average mobile phone has be designed diabolically to carry a facade of innovation but entrails of pure menace. Nowadays people can have sex via text which just undermines the whole point of kpanching which is 2 (or more) pple getting down and getting jiggy which each other while there's physical contact between them. The iPhone and BlackBerry are evil devices which don't need any more description than a prostitute with a tattoo on her forehead saying "I bang for bucks". Everything from BlackBerry messenger to the gazillion apps the iPhone offers points only in one direction, a total abandonment of self-reliance and a complete dependency on the mobile phone. Have you seen Lady Gaga and Beyonce's "Video phone" music video? You have? do I need to say anything more in this paragraph? I don't think so.

The Internet:

Oh my goodness! I had to clutch my bible in one hand and put rosary beads between my teeth before typing the name "Internet". Forget sey I dey use internet type this post, it is unfortunately a necessary evil. The Internet is the No1 source of evil and I can bet you that down there, in the bowels of hell, the devil has the best broadband and BIS the underworld has to offer. How else can he deploy his minions into Facebook? The same minions who send odd, annoying messages to people declaring their undying love and proposals of marriage. Where do you think all the wahala people on Twitter originate from? it is from the bowels of the devil's BIS. The internet may be a resource filled with immeasurable knowledge but it is also the home of such evils as Hi5 and MySpace. If you are still on Hi5 and MySpace I can give you the number of a very renowned exorcist who will force that ungodly spirit out of you and make you join Twitter. I am not saying Hi5 and MySpace are for devilish people, I'm just saying that it is like the Old testament and Twitter is the New Testament. Do you realize I haven't even talked about Pornography? I am have basically reached the end of this paragraph and I haven't even touched pornography or yahoo-yahoo sef. Somewhere in the world right now there is a little boy who is trying to do his English Language homework. The teacher asked the class to find the meaning of certain words and the innocent soul just googled the word "Analyse". He expected google to take his innocent search request and bring back the definition for his homework. Instead, what google brought back will shock the little boy and the picture he is now staring at will leave an imprint in the back of his mind like the imprint the kondo will leave while "Analysing".

My argument may be one-sided but it is expected since I am trying to drive home the fact that Technology is evil! Television, Mobile phones and the Internet are the bringers of despair and corruption and the sooner you toss your TV out the window, dunk your mobile phone in the toilet and toss you laptop into a river, the closer the world will be to sancticty. It starts with just one person. Someone has read this post, infact you have read this post and said to yourself "But Scribbles is right, technology is actually evil". To you, the one who has realised the truth in my words, I say GO FORTH AND RID THE WORLD OF TECHNOLOGY! Don't be afraid to stop someone on the street, grab their mobile phone and toss it into the nearest lake. Don't tremble when you send the £900 HD TV ur popsy just bought flying out the window. Do not fear for I am with you in sprit and I am only going to be with you in spirit cos if you actually do any of the things I just said you will be physically get the shit kicked out of you.

Read More