a week in my mind and you won't want to go home...

Saturday, 23 January 2010

Have you met?

03:54 Posted by Sir Scribbles 19 comments
Did you like the last post? Well I know it didn't appeal to everyone but it was in my head and as usual whatever's in there gets thrown in here. Anyway hope y'all liked it?. Moving on, what do I talk about today? Women? School? Work? Ah Yes! I think I'll gist you about my intolerance for lactose. You want to hear about that? Ofcourse you do! No wait...chill...I think I'll gist you that some other time. I have suddenly decided that today you will meet Cynthia. Story, Story...

I was young, innocent and naive and had let myself fall into the typical boy-crush. Mehn I had a major crush on this girl sha no be small! It started the first day I saw her, I was a few months away from taking the entrance exam for Uni and had signed up for some extra-curricular lessons to get me warmed up for exam. The first day I walked into that class I spotted her, tall, slender and a killer smile to boot. The babe was fine! Fine like her face was made of glass and a smile was the reflection of sunlight. I weak! My people I say body weak me! You see I went to an all boys boarding school so you can imagine how the hormones wey messing wiv me after graduation. Anything in a skirt was a potential 'mate' and it's like I said earlier I was young and naive. Did I say Innocent as well? Scratch that one!

It took me about 2 weeks to talk to this babe seeing as every other Maga in the class was drooling over her. That day she sat beside me during a maths class and asked me to explain surds to her. NO DULLIN! Sharply I capitalized on the opportunity even though I couldn't get her to understand surds I sha collected her number...her number people her number!! Maybe I forgot to mention how much of a geek I was back then but that was the first time I'd ever gotten a girl's number and that's cos that was the first tie I'd ever asked for it. Why are you shocked? My fren close ur mouth and let me continue my story pls. Collecting her number was a personal milestone for me but that my friends was the beginning of my wahala. You see Cynthia was a "special" kind of girl. She was tall, pretty and in summary built like a model but she was also very very very clingy...add 5 more 'verys' to that sef. From that day onwards she'd sit with me in class, have lunch with me, sit with me in class again and then walk me home afterwards. To be honest I liked the attention but I wished I was the one doing the chasing. Men like to be chased but we don't like to be hunted and Cynthia was a one-woman manhunt.

The week for the entrance exam had finally arrived and we'd travelled by air a few days earlier just to settle in a bit before the exam day. As expected Cynthia sat beside me on the plane and just before take-off she grabbed my hand and said "I'm afraid of flying Robert. You don't mind holding my hand while we're airborne do you?" I said yes without thinking twice mehn hehehehe! If na you wetin u go talk? We all lodged in a motel and as you'd expect people were going wild. It was an alchohol and sex galore and even though I didn't drink or Kkpansh watching people get smashed as hell at night and hearing the resulting scandalous stories the next day was enough entertainment for me. Cynthia and I were quickly becoming an unoffcial item and one day we'd decided to have lunch together, she asked me to come meet her in her room at 3pm so we'd head out from there and at 3pm I was knocking on her day. Knocked once, knocked twice, door opened and there she was...naked!

Thursday, 21 January 2010

Sir Scribbles' Super Uber Mega Celebrity Blog Brawl

07:16 Posted by Sir Scribbles 15 comments
Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to...
Sir Scribbles'
The Celebrities are Brutal, the Commentary is unforgiven and the Rules are non-existent. This is our first episode so we're going to give you a quik run-through of what you're to expect. We're all about fun and violence and what's more fun than seeing wonderful celebrities tear each other apart in the most hilarious and unreal ways! Ok let's get right into the head-bashing bone-breaking feast on the menu.

From the Okpokwu local government area we bring you a celebrity who's got more babies than Ladies and Gentlemen 2FACE!!!!! "One love my people! 2Baba don enter the place"
And his opponent, from Young money records, a rising star who looks as hot as her lyrics and packs a booty that any Pirate would want to get his hands on. Put your hands together for NICKI MINAJ!!!!! "Yo yo yo! It's the Harajuku Barbie bitches!!! number sign!!

2face is just sizing Nicki up now. Seems like his trying to pick the best strategy to approach the Buxom Vixen. To be honest her figure is quite intimidating, those thighs would make any man think twice. Nicki wants 2face to make the first move, she looks calm and collected and I'm sure 2face knows he can't attack without careful consideration. 2face feints a right jab, Nicki flinces, he feints a left jab, Nicki ducks and 2face sees and opening, he connects a vicious round-house kick to Nicki's jaw and the African/Trinidadian/Indo-Asian recoils with a moan. 2face dashes towards her before she has time to recover and throws a careless right hook, Nicki parries it and unleashes a 3-punch combo on his face leaving 2face wiv a busted lip and a large bump on his right cheek. 2face steps back but Nicki isn't done with him yet. As the nigerian steadies himslef Nicki reaches into her cleavage and pulls out a large CD pouch. She screams "Harajuku technique Mixtape-shuriken" and immediately the pouch opens up and all the CDs inside hurl themselves at 2face. He tries to dodge the salvo of CDs but he isn't fast enough and gets caught in the knee. The singer drops to the floor clucthing his bleeding knee and Nicki goes in for the kill. "Oh you sleeping on me nigga? U think it's slumber time? Imma put you out of your misery. Harajuku technique Barbie-bitch-battalion!!!" Her jeans rip at the sides and her thighs begin to pulsate. Suddenly her thighs burst open and little harajuku barbie creatures pour out of it in their hundreds. The battalion of barbies lunge at 2face heaping themselves on him while constantly chanting the words "Itty bitty piggy. Itty bitty piggy. Itty bitty piggy" As 2face is slowly swallowed in the heap of barbies he screams "NOTHING DEY HAPPEN!!" and the barbie battalion's rhythmic chants cease. One by one they begin to writhe and moan and all of a sudden protrusions appear on their bellies. In a matter of seconds he managed to impregnate the whole Barbie-Bitch-battalion and as each barbie's belly enlarges Nicki screams in pain. Nicki is bleeding through her nose now and 2face slowly gets to his feet, pulls a replica of his MTV award from his pants and hobbles over to Nicki wiv one hand still clutching his bleeding knee. As he poises to deliver the final blow she pulls out a condom from her butt crack and hurls it at his face. As soon as the condom touches his face it catches fire and 2face lets out a deafening scream while trying to get it off, the fire envelopes his face and he drops to the flow squirming. As his head is slowly reduced to a small heap of ash his body stills and a few moments later the only sign that the body on the floor was ever living is a lump in its crotch area which seems to not be shrinking even though the body is lifeless. KO Ladies and Gentlemen! NICKI MINAJ IS OUR WINNER TONIGHT!!!

What a cracking opening battle folks. Nicki Minaj obviously did her homework before the battle tonight and capitalised on her opponent's only weakness. Join us again next time as another pair of celebrities go head-to-head in Sir Scribbles' "Super Uber Mega Celebrity Blog Brawl"

Monday, 18 January 2010

That's what I think sha...

07:11 Posted by Sir Scribbles 24 comments
CHEI! It's been a while sha! If you cross reference the dates between this post and my last post and then compare the values with the factorised sum of the intervals between my posts 3 months ago and then relate your results to the exact moment I started blogging then you realised that the coefficient of 10SINZU is how many days it's been since my last post. YES! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I JUST TYPED! lol. Le tÄ— shkojnÄ— atje!! (Albanian for "Let's go there")

There should be a public holiday dedicated to the men who risk their lives everyday in the ruthless jungle called dating with nothing to defend themselves except cheesy pickup lines and cliches. Don't you just think it's rather brave of a young man too walk up to you, a babe of evident class, and say something like 'Nice legs baby, what time do they open?'. What I always wonder about is the state of mind of a guy who thinks "Your dad must be a baker cos I love ur buns" is an appropriate way of potraying yourself as an eligible suitor. I think I've told you, my lovely wonderful beautiful readers (make ur head no swell sha), that I detest pickup lines especially since a creative one today is tomorrow's cliche. Let's just say I prefer a less 'mechanical' approach to starting a conversation with a young woman. I'm not saying pickup lines are bad oh! I'm not saying they shud be abolished and anyone caught using a pickup line shud be executed by firing squad, dats not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is there shud be an organised body established with the sole aim of regulating the creation, use and expiration of pickup lines. Anyone who invents one without getting it verified, uses one without the right authorization or after it's expiration date shud then be sent to the gallows. That's all I'm saying. That's not so bad is it? it's a gud idea no? at least Magas will stop approaching and talking rubbish to you ladies and we men will raise our game a bit...not that I need to anyways *wink wink*

I keep saying that I don't think there will ever be any publication that accurately defines, precisely elaborates and utterly summarises the relationship between Men and Women. Now remember we are excluding holy books here cos I don't want any divine wahala on my hands. I have realised that no matter how big the book is, how extensive the research was or how much time was invested in study you will always find one person who will prove any existing theory, suggestions or laws concerning relationship wrong. Opposites don't always attract, Long distance relationships do work and age really is just a number when you see it from people's perspectives. All I'm saying is don't be stereotypical when analysing your life or the life or others. Thinking outside the box usually shows you how small the box really is. I dey form relationship analyst shey? dnt mind me oh! Wat do I know? I'm just saying what I feel as usual and if you agree or object then there's a very big box provided for you below to make it known. PEACE!

Friday, 8 January 2010

We begin scribbling for 2010...

20:05 Posted by Sir Scribbles 17 comments
WAAAIT! Before you even conclude that I have left just hold it! Yes, I considered leaving, I thogth about quitting blogging and callind an end to the blogging edifice that is The Royal Scribbles...for about 5 mins lol! Did you really think I'd leave you liek dat? If was to leave blogsville where I go kon go? Where else will my insanity be considered creativity and my sillyness be seen as addictive humour? I haven't blogged this year simply cos I hadn't found d right trigger for 2010. I'm definitely not losing my mojo! I just wanted to start 2010 in a new yet traditional way and needed to find my sweet spot for this year. What do u look for when you come here, thought provoking satires, mind boggling wit, bewildering creativity and the occasional rant about some girl who is vexing me shey? Ladies and Gentlemen we commence 2010 in d same fashion...make I gist you something.

I was jejely on my own oh! you know I dnt look for trouble naw? I was walking thru d shopping mall yesterday minding my own business when some random stranger (obviously all strangers r random wth am i saying?) just walks up to me and tells me I'm looking gud. If to say na woman I 4 no worry but it was a guy....see me see wahala o! I didn't even know whether to take it as a compliment or see it as a source of concern. I thanked the guy and walked away facing him cos I didn't want him staring at my posterior ('butt' to you laymen). Now why was I concerned? I'm assuming the guy was gay cos the way he stopped me to compliment me is d same way I, an astute heterosexual, would stop a girl nd compliment her too (practical still pending). Did his compliment mean I was looking gud in general and would also be found attractive by the female folk of like sexuality or did he mean I looked gud such dat only members of the gay community would find me 'interesting'? You see the dilemma dat morrasucker brought upon me in d middle of my stern window-shopping? I went out to stare at stuff I can't afford and came back query every outfit in my closet. I shud start wearing darker colours mehn...

Sexual innuendos are everywhere these days. It's like d world has just gone sex crazy and it's alright to advertise a burger as if it's a new item on the Karma sutra menu. You can't listen to 3 songs today without coming across one with cleverly yet somewhat overtly embedded innuendos. The thing about sexual inferences in songs is dat you can never win. If you don't identify them someone else will and point them out to you, in that moment when you are enlightened you also feel ignorance tapping you on d shoulder thanking you for letting him sleepover. However, if you do identify the innuendos single-handedly then you simply credit you mind with 5 more naughty points and hence feel more perverted than you were before you hit the play button. I'm now bordering on paranoia when it comes to analysing songs, I tear lyrics apart just to be sure I'm not singing along to something that indirectly instructs the nearest female to slobber my 'nether' regions. Very soon I'll resort to listening to silence but wiv d way d world is going I'm sure Def Jam will find a way to pollute silence as well.

Ah! dis feels gud! How could I ever think of leaving? Btw r u on Twitter? U rnt? why? is ur computer allergic? r u lucid? why rnt you on twitter? my fren pack ur load nd get to tweeting mehn! Dnt worry if u sign up nd u don't understand it immediately, it's natural and you can't be like me so give yourself time to get the hang of it. As for those of you on twitter hope you are following me? I dnt mean literally following me cos if u walk behind me for more than 10 secs ur gonna be receivng my size 12s in a less than receptive area. My twitfam (twitter family to u laymen) are awesome and that's cos they r all mad nd I say dat wiv love lol. much luv to d Twitfam...#youwerecooluntil you joined twitter and followed me, now u r cooler lol.