a week in my mind and you won't want to go home...

Sunday, 30 August 2009

100th Teaser

10:00 Posted by Sir Scribbles 38 comments
Ladies and Gentlemen! We are nearly there and the 100th post is at arm's length now. In anticipation of this glorious milestone, I have taken the liberty of providing you with a little trailer. Now as usual I request just one thing from you and it is that you watch this video. If you're at work, carry system enter toilet. If you are in school tell your lecturer to wait. The koko is that u must watch this video. Infact, should I list all the peopel I expect to watch this video? Maybe I should:

1. Everybody
2. All of you
3. If you just read everything before this line.

Una must watch the video o! Here it is pple, The teaser for The Royal Scribbles 100th post


Saturday, 29 August 2009

If you don't know now u know...

01:12 Posted by Sir Scribbles 34 comments
So 2 more posts to go...*rubs palms in excitement* a new era is imminent and men of valour have to stand up and be counted...

I had to single this question out cos answering it in my 100th post wud be a very long thing so today, in this post, I will talk about myself and women.

I know some of the more 'in-touch' pple among you will cringe at the thot of this expose but no, it isn't an expose...trust me!

I also forsee a lengthy post, skimming will be ur loss cos I'm not repeating this ever again.

Okay where do I begin? I'd like to lay a foundation first, I am not like every other guy, analyse that as u like, it's not me being conceited it's me being self- aware. The way I think and operate aren't conevntional, I also understand myself to a confident degree and putting all these things together makes me believe, sorry know, that I am not like every other guy. Stereotype classifications don't work with me whether it's an attempt at identifying me or pointing out what I'm attracted me. Also, I am a romantic, if you did not know this by now then you are on a long thing! Some men don't like to admit it but I ain't scared, I like the ol' sweep a girl of her feet, candlelight dinner, breakfast in bed, Roses and candy after work. I like to woo a girl wiv every weapon in my arsenal, I do not plan, strategies or manipulate, I prefer to let the feelings lead the actions, most times the head nd the heart aren't always in unison when it comes to boy-girl attractions but for me there has to be a consensus between the two b4 I proceed. Most times when I think I've let my heart get the best of me and fear the consequences I realise my head actually allowed me to take the risk, the realisation ultimately leads to an assurance in my own actions.

So you are wondering why I haven't talked about crushes, girlfriends flings and all that shey? No vex oh but that one sef na long thing. I actually realised that the amount of pple who read this blog is way bigger than the estimate I had in my head the the consequnces of such an elaborate detailing of my relationships will be dire, it's the curse of the semi-anonymous I suppose. My reluctance towards talking about them is purely cos I feel the need to respect their privacy whether they read this or not. Besides I believe grown men don't kiss and tell and even though you may not be expecting me to give any names I am pretty sure if some pple were to read what I wrote they'd feel exposed even if it's a little bit.

I am happy about one thing though when it comes to women, I know what I like. I am not confused or indecisive about my attraction to a women, I know when I like someone and I don't question myself further when I make this conclusion. It's a connection thing, If I connect with you, during a 5 mjin conversation or a month of phonecalls then I don connect and there's really nothing I or you can say to change my mind. This doesn't mean you are immdiately put on a hit list and must be chased by moi, it simply means that if an opportunity should present itself where moves can be made then precious time will ntot be wasted on weighing feelings because it has already been settle that I have connected.

Seeing as I am considerd a nice person some will think this is an avenue to exploit, WRONG! I ain't no mugu! If there's anything I hate more than peas in fried rice it's a woman who wants to exploit a good thing. Maybe that's why they say I'm not steady, I am uber steady mehn, it's d manipulation that ticks me off. You are dealing with a nice guy and if that's something u feel u can exploit then I'm out the door b4 u can say AWOOF!

So you are thinking, Robby Scribbles meets a girl and immediately takes out an asssessment sheet and starts ticking off things he likes and doesn't like shey? far from it. No one is perfect and this fact leads me to believe that I, Robert, and the woman I fancy are a work in progress. I may know myself well but knowing and relating to someones else is completely different. I do not change for pple but merely incorporate, I don't alter myself to suit a preference but try to integrate other things into the constantly improving system. I add things because I want to better for someone and it's blissful to be part of a mutual growth relationship where two pple adapt to each other rather than conform. However, when these added things don't gel with the system they have to be taken out, attributes which cause disharmony in teh system end up corrupting it leading to pretence, hurt and damage.


Friday, 28 August 2009

Spoof ad #3

10:10 Posted by Sir Scribbles 24 comments
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Wednesday, 26 August 2009

*sings* This is the way u write a random post...random post....random post

05:52 Posted by Sir Scribbles 48 comments

*scratches head* What cud dis mean? Anyone got any ideas? I know for sure it has something to do with my 100th post but for the life of me I don't know what it means. Oh well....4 more posts to go shey?

Have you ever tried chasing a 9 month baby wiv a vacuum cleaner while she attempts to speed-crawl to safety? Most hilarious thing I've ever seen...I console myself with the fact that after 5 minutes her brain will wipe away every memory of the incident...u gotta love children u know *diabolical laugh*

So....I met Juiceegal yesterday *smirks as Naija bad boi.... raises eyebrow*. The babe was, as expected, a rep. of her pseudonym. Don't look at me like dat jo shey pesin no fit hang wiv fine
gurl again lol. We went to see Inglorious Basterds *spots avenue to change topic* Seeing as I am a sucker for a Quentin Tarantino movie (Kill Bill and Pulp fiction) I have one word for him...Quentin U r a Basterd! I loved the movie, I loved all the charaters especially the villain cos he wa so cunning and diabolical that he made evil look awesome. Juiceegal was squeamish sha and u can trust Quentin to supply u wiv enough dismemberment and blood splatter...it was so cute seeing her cringe lol...platonically cute oh, cos na so una dey start rumour...I knwo some pple go still talk anyhow sha lol

Omo I know it's rather redundant to keep talking about the wahala in naija but wen shoe dey pinch you 4 leg shey u fi' ignore am? This kidnapping thing na serious sonetin oh! It's basically a business opportunity now, some pple dey sing, some pple dey into politics and some pple are into hijacking human lives, it's that simple. You may not fully grasp the severity of this situation and even I didn't fully relate to the growing fear until the father of a friend of mine got kidnapped. I think it was like d swine flu thing, you don't fully understand how pple feel until you experience it or someone you know does. I imagined the terror the family must have been put through and I was just happy to hear her popsy was released...with a dent in his account but alive nonetheless. The other day I was talking to my popsy and he said it's almost a norm now to hear that someone had been kidnapped and sometimes even a man's son can arrange for his father to be kidnapped (whether the man dey warn me I no know). You know what baffles me, the amount of inhumanity and cruelty human beings are capable of showing each other, the things selfishness will make pple do all in d name of 'hustling'. Kidnapping is a lazy man's way of dodging a 9-5 , a slackers idea of making money and a ignorant person's way of pouring creativity down the drain.

So I love my future career, I love computers and I love IT, I may loathe computer programming but I love IT still. However there are some professions I find absolutely awesome just cos of what they get to do on a daily basis. For instance I wud love to be a Doctor just so I can give pple injections, specifically I'd like to be a gynecologist hehe! "Doctor Robert, I have a spliting headache and sore throat" "Well it's obvious the problem is 4rm ur boobs, please take of ur top so I can examine you closely". I'd love to be a policeman just so I can slap handcuffs on pple and read dem their rights LOL! I'd also want to pull pple over and make thier lives miserable...except you are a woman ofcourse...then we can work out a deal *wink*. I also love to be a Hugh Hefner's Personal Assistant...purely because of the benefits and bonuses attached specified in the job description *wink wink*

Sunday, 23 August 2009

Scribblenation: Omnirandom....

12:20 Posted by Sir Scribbles 40 comments
*glances left and right, bends head* Privacy no dey dis house again, *raises head sharply b4 slowly returning to keyboard* everybody don dey mental now. My lil bro keeps glancing at my laptop wen I'm chatting...en wan see wetin pass en eye shey? My Aunt seems to think I have an underground girlfriend and she trying to catch my offguard by throwing random questons at me, My Mum is around now and I'm on d run inside our own house lol. Wen she's in d room i'm in d parlour and wen she's in d parlour i'm in Australia lol. Been very lazy today but I just gatz to update so make I yan u something...

Yesterday I went to see a couple of friends, I chilled wiv dem till like 8pm and wen I was leaving we all walked to the station together. On our way one of d guys asks if I like skinny jeans? I say no and can't even imagine wearing dem, his sister concurs and says skinny jeans are so gay, I object and tell her that's stereotyping, the other sister says she can just imagine me in a pair of red skinny jeans dancing to "Single ladies". The suggestion sparks my imagination and I, d crazy dude among dem, let's my imagnation get the best of me, I run infront of dem, turn to face dem and do this:
*Arms Akimbo* Oh my goodnessss your hair isss sssooo devine it'sss unbelievaable, and your bag isss sssooo sssexy I cud absolutely die. OMG! OMG!! isss dat your real hair, like ssseriosuly u r soo hot it's a sin to look at you. Wait a minute? are those my shoes? Oh no gurlfriend! Oh no you din't *Z-snap*
we all burst out laughing and in my mind I've done a killa impression of a gay guy. I turn to keep on walking and there, right infront of me is an Asian family staring at us...or rather me. The popsy simply stares at me wiv disgust, shakes his head and they all go back into their house...apparently an Asian Family in Ilford think I'm gay!

I heard 4rm a very respectable source that men who can cook are considered sexy by the opposite sex...Is dis true? As in shey na rumour or na lie? be like sey I go soon go buy cook book! Neva thot I'd see d day dat Ogbono soup got you laid!

It undeniable that the nigerian youth is in deep shit yes? Seriously ehn, how long have Uni's in naija been on strike, everytime I want to talk about this it just skips my mind. Isn't it just annoying? how can a country, after decades of independence and a feasible government in place, find it hard to keep it's universities open? You know what I think, Naija is like a 48yr old who never had potty training and since it no longer has western diapers on it keeps shitting itself. I love naija and all but wen u see d person u love effing up won't you tell dem...Naija get rid of this crap, clean urself up and get ur act together abeg! B4 B4 na studnets dey run 4rm skool oh, now na students dey find skool.

In a world where political correctness is slowly becoming a prerequisite for public and private communication, I forsee a future where simply phrases like
"Pot calling kettle black" will be cited as a racial slur and "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" will be slated as the new slogan for gay rights.

Okay ehn, I don't grab why someone wud send me this, I was jejely checking my mail a few days back when I 'ran into' an email from a friend. The title said something about some "photoshoot" and some pple workng with "Zain" (A Naija telecomms company). There was an attachment so I downloaded the friggin thin, notice they are images, double click the first one and BAM! A picture of some woman jerking-off some dude...see me as I shock na!! I sharply twist laptop and bent d screen b4 pesin go talk sey Robby don dey lokk mojo 4 early mor-mor. I ran through the remaining pix and in summary it's like an immoralty upgrad 4rm Rihanna's bathroom photoshoot. I know most of you know what I'm talking about cos the story was everywhere and the two zain employees who were getting freaky abroad have more internet fame than The Royal Scribbles giving away free cartons of Virtual Mama 2000. So why pesin go send me this thing biko? As in how does it help my life? So some pple went on official duty and were shagging each other even though they were both married and decided to make a collage of it...does that is dat breaking news? shey dem feel sey I wan dey look old man and woman dey kpansh? As n I don't get the concept behind d forwarding of this email. You'd think dat nude pictures wud interest me but this was just plain unnecessary. I checked d number of people the email had been forwarded to...half the internet had to be on dat list lol....friggin hilarious! If you don't know d story of the Zain lovers memory card then google it...don't be expecting me to upload those pix abeg. I read d story and even though I think wat they did was wrong I cud have still lived wivout receiving that email.

...well looky here...5 more posts to go...Baba God we campaign for you oh!

Wednesday, 19 August 2009

Insane Mail

03:31 Posted by Sir Scribbles 57 comments
Make una run for cover oooo! Ms. 'dufa is not in a gud mood mehn! Why? cos none of us been comment on her last post...but does she know that her comment link is not working and anytime we click the comment link it doesn't work? Ms. 'dufa it's not that we didn't want to comment oh, it's cos your blog isn't allowing us to comment...take am easy wiv us na...lol

Now what did i want to say again...

Women I dey pity una seriously, the amount of insane mail u pple get on a regular basis must be seriously annoying. Last week I was talking to my sis and she was complaining about the numerous dudes who add her on facebook and attach some scary "love" messagse to their requests. Some dudes will narrate their whole life's story and include lame lines like "You are an angel that fell from heaven" and "If you add me I will be a gud friend cos all i want to do is get yo know you baby". As is that wasn't enough, a few days back I was talking to a friend and she told me that pple actually proposed to her on facebook....as in seriously....dudes....has technology made us this lazy. I can forgive the proposing thing if you are proposing to someone you have a connection wiv or probably if it's a romantic gesture but random insensitive offline proposals are annoying talk less of dudes doing it online. I think wat some dudes do is just type d first name of their fantasy girl in the search box, do tumbor-tumbor (ini-mini-myni-mo to d more ajebo ones ) and based on ur profile pic and network they decide you are naive enuf to fall for the cheesy intros they attach to d friend request, how else can u explain d way these random dudes find ur profile in d midst of the millions on facebook. When did facebook become and an online dating serive biko? See ehn I am not saying hooking up on faceboiok is wrong *glances towards Buttercup and Chari*, I'm just assuming that all d "love"messages random dudes attach to their friend requests must be really friggin annoying. Me sef, wey get very "motivated" imagination, I can't imagine myself sending some random chick a friend request telling her I'm a student in London and am looking to settle down and she looks like d right kinda girl to....even trying to imagine it sef is both hilarious and annoying.

LOL! Two days ago I got this message in my inbox:
"my name is miss juliet princess i am a young lady,
i real want to know you,
and i have some thing to tell you about my self,
so try to reply me so that i can send you my photo
and tell you what i want to tell you.
Yours Faithfull
Juliet princess."
Hilarious isn't it? At first I though it was a blogger...then I felt ashamed for thinking a member of this fine commuinty, after readin my blog, wud think to send me this. I apologise 4 suspecting you guys. Shey dis pesin feel sey I be Mugu? this is d oldest trick in d parchment not even book sef, Juilet Princess ke?...imagine dis kin craze biko

On a more random note, something scares me about Lady Gaga...same feeling I had about Madonna...still love d song 'Chillin' sha!

ps: i just added this afetr i saw a few of d comments 4rm u guys, i know it's Wale's song but the reason I liek it is cos of Gaga's voice...hence d reference.

Monday, 17 August 2009

My mama supposed kill me...

03:26 Posted by Sir Scribbles 44 comments
Mehn I have a lot of catching up to do, when I was glued to my laptop una no dey update blog o! But wen Sir Scribbles steps out for just three days everyone comes out to update. Well I have opened all your blogs in seperate windows here and even if it takes the whole day I will read dem all...just need to get a can of redbull first. Anyway, I just had a couple or my usual random flashbacks and realised that I don do my Mama strong tin many times. My Popsy hasn't even experienced half d crap I've put my Mum through sef. These are just a couple of the incidents I have had wiv my mum:

Mumsy was coming over to London on business and three days after arrving she'd be off to Italy and a week after that she'd have to be in Istanbul. Trips like this aren't new to me and I know my repsonsibilities when she needs to make them. I'm supposed to meet her at the Airport wen she flies in from Naija, meet her at the airport again wen she flies back into London from Italy, and finally follow her to the airport on her way back to Naija from London. Now you'd expect that after a while I'd have familiarised myself wiv d flight times and known when I shud leave d house to meet her at the airport so she doesn't have to wait for me right? Well this time I didn't and wen she arrived in London 4rm naija she ended up waiting at the airport for me for 2 hours, then wen she flew back in 4rm Italy I was late again...dis time she waited 3 hrs. LOL! you shud have heard d phonecall on those two occassions, as in she was mental and raping so many things In Igbo that I actually think there's an Igbo phrase for "this is fucking irresponsible".

On another occasion she came to visit us and my younger sister had gone to work leaving me at home alone. Mumsy called and said she was five minutes away so I arranged the sitting room and did all smal small arrangements to make the place look presentable at least. I stood by the window in the sitting room staring outside and wen I saw the car slowly making it's way up to our house I walked out to greet my lovely mother. As she emerged from the car I stepped out of the house with my arms aloft and as we hugged and exchanged greetings, the love permeating both of us, the front door slowly shut itself wiv a softly audible and sabotaging 'click'. Mumsy looked over my shoulder at the door then back at me and asked, wiv a smile on her face, "Do you have the key?", No reponse "OMG! You don't have d key?", my silence was enough acknowlegdement. Love vanished, smiles faded and all was replaced wiv piercing maternal glares, insensate igbo-worded castigation, a snickering cab driver and a very a awesome looking anambara boy jumping in through the sitting room window.

Finally, and most recently I was booking a flight for her online (come to think of it all these incidents are coonecetd to air travel in some way...pattern?), anyway I was booking a flight for her and because I'm used to fillnig out forms and application online wiv my name I ended up using her card to book a flight for her to Italy wiv me as the passenger instead of her. I realised this mistake 3 seconds after confirming payment for 'MR ROBERT's' ticket and I gave a short yelp, she asked what the problem was, I said my charger shocked me lol. I immdiately went to cancel the flight hoping that since it has just booked a few seconds ago I cud still change it but it's at times like dis that I hate technology. They cancelled the flight alright and I booked another one feeling like a problem solver only for her to check her balance online and see dat the airline had charged her twice for the same ticket lol. She asked me what happended...I lied, she was absolutely livid and then called the airline. They told her the first deduction was for the ticket of a "Mr Robert Scribbles" but it had been cancelled and the fee was non-refundable, they told her to read their terms and conditions but they had lost her at "Mr. Robert"...her attention and anger had now switched from the Airline to said owner of cancelled ticket.

Sunday, 16 August 2009

Oh yeah! I'm back!

07:24 Posted by Sir Scribbles 32 comments
Oh baby...*kiss**kiss*...I swear I will neva leave u gain...*kiss**kiss**kiss*, as in I missed you ehn, cudn't stop thinking about you *kiss*. Kai if I try and take a hiatus again make una handcuff me to my keyboard...nearly ran mad I swear. Okay so where does the gist start from? Shey I shud tell you what I've been doing siiiiince? Or I shud just jump into the main gist of today's post? Okay chill first, b4 I begin I'd like to say that those of who who took time out to send me questions for my 100th post are too much, i really appreciate the effort...even though some of you want answers to some very "interesting" questions I'll do my best to deliver. robbyscribbles@gmail.com is d destination for your questions so if you still want to send dem in you can, thanks mehn!

So my ex came over for the summer hols, she's gonna spend just 10 days here and go back to naija so we decided to meet up and just chill u know...as friends oh.....don't raise ur eyebrows jo calm down, d thing is we were friends for quite a long time b4 we decided to make things more complicated, we're gud now sha, really gud sef, I no sey some of u go still look 4 trouble wen commneting so why i dey bother to explain sef lol. We had a blast sha and she concurs, went to see G.I Joe together, btw G.I Joe is a gud movie, not awesome but definitely worth paying full price after getting a student discount lol. I particularly love Storm Shadow or the Ninja in white for the less geeky ones out there, he's definitely the coolest character after Snake eyes/ The Ninja in black. You know wat trips me about the dude, he wears only white, even wen he's not in the ninja outfit he still dons white all through...means he's one clean morrasucking Ninja doesn't it? I can only imagine wat he's drycleaning bill will look like. Anyway back to the main gist, mehn d babe was looking gud oh, as in for about 30 seconds I reconsidered the babe, the breakup and a possible makeup but rationality prevailed again and I didn't let my mind wander too far b4 I do the wan wey pass my power. It's been a year and about 6 months since the relationship pafuga but I was glad we cud still be friends sha, she's a gud person and besides both of us have moved on...even though where we move go get too much headache lol

Next gist, apparently two guys, one black and one white, robbed a jewelry store in bond street London and made off with about £40 million/$63 million worth of jewelry and they did it so efficiently that the whole heist sef dey trip police lol. I won't go into details here but the thing that caught my "native" attention is the reward for anyone who has useful info on the robbers or the heist in general. Authorities are offering £1 million for anyone who can provide useful info on the whole thing so now blogsville I come to you on my hands and knees...I want to buy three things, a new phone (anything wiv a qwerty keyboard), a new ipod (Matilda has tried but I think it's time we both see other pple), a new laptop (just cos I'm changing everything else), so I need your help, abeg if na ur nephew, cousin, brother, boyfriend, partner, co-worker, penpal or myspace friend wey u neva see b4 wey go rob that jewelry store abeg u go like snitch. All I need is an email address, no be sey one thing-two thing it's really simple, you provide d detail(s) nd we split the remaining £2k that's left after I've given the rest to the Gadget.4.Scribbles.tech.poverty.alleviation charity group. As in as I hear dat reward money my ear stand and I started to skim through my phone contacts to see if I knew anyone who cud be related in any way to a jewelry heist lol. One milla no be joke mehn!!!! If I handle dat reward money una no go dey even see me 4 blogsville sef...I will go and start my own internet and call it "Meganbytenet" and all d websites there must have pictures of Megan good on their frontpage....oh yeah I', in love wiv Megan Good.

LOL! Recently Bill clinton went to North Korea to seek pardon for some US journalists who were sentenced to life in prisonment for allegedly crossing the border illegally. Why did I choose to bring this story to you today? cos of the way the media potrayed the whole thing...nd ofcourse the way I analysed it lol. The papers, news channels and radio stations all used the same words to describe it "President Bill Clinton goes on a mission with his special team to rescue the imprisoned US journalists" So clinton don turn special agent na? This is how my mind analysed the issue:

Anonymous: Codename MonicaBJ, is this line secure"

Bill Clinton: Yes it is, what's the situation Raventower

Anonymous: Agent BJ, it's a code red situation, it's the orientals....they're back

Bill Clinton: Oh dear lord, assemble the others...looks like it's a job for Team Presi-Sutra

*insert dramatic soundtrack*

After arriving at the secret underground HQ that can only be accessed by triple clicking the secret Monica L. photograph hidden on the PC in the Folder named "Serious files that will blow the computer if you click them". Clinton/Agent MonicaBJ addresses the Presido-sutra team made up of hot blondes donning black spandex.

Bill Clinton: "Okay pple listen up, Big mama-who-lost-to-a-black-dude is in Africa trying to show Yar' adua how to buy blood tonic on ebay. I, therefore, am horny and there zre 2 absolutely spanking asian babes in Northa Korea who'll show alot of 'gratitude' if we 'rescue' them. Kim jong il's FB status says he'll release dem if we can get him Monica's email address and I've got that covered so C'MON PEOPLE, LET'S GET ME LAID!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, 9 August 2009

Reality TV...up yours...wiv a plunger....spiced with Suya pepper!

18:39 Posted by Sir Scribbles 26 comments
First of all, shout out to my e-sister leggychukwu on her 50th post!!!!! If u think sey e easy to do 50 posts just try reading her posts...long as hell! (pot saying something rascist to kettle lol). Congrats babe!!
As for me, as in I don't get, shey una wan make I beg una ehn? 100th post on d way, 9 posts to go, I politely asked that you send in questions you'd like me to answer, did u guys send? NO! Shey una wan sabotage my celebrations. The email addy is robbyscribbles@googlemail.com, I even paint am red for una. The idea is for the questions to be anonymous that's why I pleaded that u send dem to me by email. Shey u will send in questions? Anything, I say anything will be accepted...depending on how liberal I'm feeling lol. Big ups in advance...now to buisiness

I HATE REALITY TV!!! There's no nice way to put it but I cannot stand reality TV, I consider it a waste of cerebral disk space and a poor chronological investment. As in I can't grab d concept yet. Some celebrity decides that aside from d internet, gossip mags, their faces poppin up everytime I want to check my e-mail and elaborate sex tapes, we, the public, wud like to know how they live their everyday lives. Is it an attepmt to show us they are normal like us? You live in a million dollar mansion possibly wiv a toilet for each of R kelly's attempted comebacks and you think me, who shares toothpaste wiv four other people, and you, said multiple WC owner, are on par? I no gree! How does getting a camera to follow you while you shop, eat and go on diets u never fully commit to serve as entertainment? You want to see entertainment? Stick a camera on an average Naija dude as we navigates d perilous streets of his naija fighting d urge to kidnap his rich Uncle's daughter just so he can use d ransom money to buy a PS3 which will keep him busy during the long ass strike his University is on....that's Reality TV pple! Not a group of women under a duplex/makeshift mansion all of whom are pretending they use fork nd knives to eat at home wen we all know that in their homes table knives are like Bibles around Hugh Hefner...U never find any!

Yes my last statment was directed at Koko Duplex..I say duplex cos I was expecting something bigger, you can't deceive me wiv a swimming pool and a couple of staircases, I know what a mansion looks like, my papa no get mansion but google's resources are proof enough. You see d way naija pple carry cutlass chook dat Rita girl 4 back? Friggin hilarious! As in una no try 4 Rita, everywhere I looked I saw pple hailing d chick despite her epilepsy-indusive grammar, they were saying she was natural nd she was a sure winner cos she was d only one who was real (apparently being real goes hand-in-hand wiv setting webster's dictionary on fire). Sunday evening, I was chillin u know, keepin d sabbath day holy nd all, wen I hear dat it's dis Bolanle girl who won it. I was surprised I swear! after all d texts pple sent to the show showing support nd even comparing her grammatical inconsistencies wiv Tu-face's (who by d way only knows 2 phrases in his whole life wen he isnt in d studio, "Notin dey happen" nd "One love"). I pity d babe mehn, na dis kin thing dey turn pesin to terrorist. Imagine how she felt after d show wen she reach house nd dem tell am sey during d show na she popular pass, she'll feel sad, feelings of sadness becom feelings of betrayal, feelings of betrayal become feelings of anger, feelings of anger become urges for revenge and before you know it Osama don get en first Naija representative to Al-Qaeda on Tense, grammar and vocabulary suicide bombing!

Omo as u don read finish u go like go ur mailbox send question shey? robbyscribbles@googlemail.com. No dullin oh! we must make dis 100th post a success cos my announcement depends on it....9 posts to go...LET'S GOOOO THERE!!!

C/O Angel Gabe

12:19 Posted by Sir Scribbles 35 comments
Sir Robby Scribbles II
Obodo Oyibo
09 August 2009

Dear Baba God,

I would like to thank you for providing all the amenities necessary for me, Chalene, 18, and Colly ,15, to live comfortably and proudly in this Godforsken, recession stricken, subtly rascist, meteorically cursed country. I appreciate your consistent and, most of all, free-of-charge, blessings to us and as the first-born child of the Scribbles household I will always maitain the standard that you desire and they, my two siblings, must emulate. However, I write this letter with a heavy heart because as at 6am this morning I realised that your two children are mental...as in dem two don kolo! Consequently, the sole purpose of this letter is to inform you that very soon me sef go kolo pass dem!!

As at 10pm on the 8th of August 2009 I had declared that we all must attend sunday service the following day because it had been almost 4 weeks since we had been to church. I told these two maniacs that we'd have to be awake by 6am and I was going to set the alarm to ring at 5:55am. I told them to go and sleep oooo! I warned them that I didn't want to hear any story wen I woke dem up for church the following day, did they listen? No! Both of dem went to bed around 2am and when I woke them up the following mornining I was greeted wiv mummurs, moans and grumbles. I sent Chalene to the bathroom first cos it takes much more time for her to get dressed than me and Colly combined. She grabbed her towel and left the room. 5 Mins later I decided to go downstairs and get something to eat and as I approached the staircase, there, crounced on in the middle of the stairwell was Chalene...sleeping! She was crashing on d staircase wen I thought she was taking a shower. I nearly kick am for back I swear! I screamed at her and she woke up startled and annoyed , grabbed her towel again and walked off to the bathroom.

Chalene was now out and had started her 2 hour makeup process, I told Colly get into the shower, he grabbed his towel, like Chalene and headed off to the bathroom. As I sat in theliving room flicking through channels I felt the need to use the loo. I stood up, walked to the toilet, opened the door and there was Colly crashing on the friggin toilet bowl wiv his towel over his head. It was both amusing and annoying, I woke him up wiv a lil smack on d head and screamed at him to get into the shower cos we were already running late. He glared at me and slowly made his way to the bathroom banging the door behind him...the only act of insolence he could exhibit.

Do you know we finally didn't go to church today? In addition to your daughter sleeping on d staircase and your son crashing on d toilet bowl you daughter took almost 30min extra in addition to her usual 2hrs to get dressed, your son took half an hour to locate an Mp3 player filled wiv songs that go against wateva we were going to hear in church and by the time we got to the bus stop it made no chronological sense to go to church again cos from our calculations there were only 30 mins of service left. Baba God these are your children and my siblings I know, but Baba God u won't blame me if next sunday I carry cold water keep for room, once alarm blow like dis all man must arrange demself jump inside bathroom if not na military treatment dem two go receive. I know we haven't seen you in almost a month but I swear today I was in d mood but na dis two crase pikin spoil everything. By ur grace and my bucket of water we go jam next week.

Your sincerly,
Sir Robby Scribbles II

ps: 10 post from now I will be celebrating a century of blogging and to mark this wonderful milestone I, like my good sister Leggychukwu, will also like to ask all readers to send in questions they'd like me to answer. I doubt y'all can ask anything that'd fluster me so be creative, somewhat unrestricted and family-friendly if possible. I want y'all to be unhindered so if you like you can email them to me at "sirscribbles@rocketmail.com". In addition to this thing I will make an announcement in my hundredth post the likes of which blogsville has never seen before....GUARATEED!!

Saturday, 8 August 2009

What if we were all straight?

06:00 Posted by Sir Scribbles 23 comments
So you've read the title and thot to yourself "Well Robby is going to talk about how the world wud be a better place if we were all heterosexuals" right?...Well no! Ha! Take ur Homophobic fantasies and huddle up with the Republicans and Conservatives cos my frontyard isn't big enuf to accomodate a mob of protesting gay pple. Imagine how easy this life wud be if we were all honest, imagine how much wahala wud be avoided by simply being straight with each other. Imagine a world were all of mankind was forced to be straight with each other,

Politics wud be so much easier cos instead of lying to us throughout the campaign period candidates wud just bluntly tell us what their real agenda is "If you elect me to be your president I can assure and reassure you that I will suck this country dry and while you have no electricity to power ur house for at least 2hrs a week and proper healthcare is absolutely inaccessible to the average citizen I will use the embezzled money to build an empire of illegitimate children, irresponsible legitimate children and truckloads of expenisve traditionall outfits which may make me look ordinary but are really expenisve enough to cover up all d potholes in Lagos and Kaduna."
If we were all striaght with each other North Korea cud simply come out and tell us "Look here, we've heard wat South Korea and Japan have been saying bout us and just cos we don't have as many restaurants abroad like d chinese doesn't mean y'all can run ur mouth infront of the UN so we are investing in nuclear weapons in a bid to take over the world and destroy every single chinese restaurant our nuclear warheads can locate as well as Japanese Sushi bars and the whole of North Korea simply for fun d of it.

In a completely straight world Osama wud probably have to confess that the reason why he hates America so much is cos wen he was a sophmore in an american Uni. he got kicked out of the school volleyball team cos he kept trippin on his beard.

Relationships wud be sooo much easier wudn't they? A man wud walk up to you at the train station and instead of complimenting ur skirt wat he'd really say was "My my! I wud really like to grab that, may i grope u on d train as we proceed to our various destinations?". Instead of changing her walk from a simple stroll to a strut everytime she walks past ur desk that very suggestive female colleague wud simply send u a memo detailing how ur nicely fitted shirt and tailored pants make certain aspects of ur masculinity hard to resist and working late tonight would be more productive for both of you than the company.

In a completely straight world, there wud be no anonymous bloggers wud they? I don't think so, Anonymous blogging wud be a crime and we'd all have to turn our blogs into mini-facebook profiles...then again in a straight world some bloggers wud have no need for blogging cos they'd be able to say what they wanted to say, to who they wanted to say it to, about whatever they felt like saying and this wud mean that in a straight world the Police would be looking for a tall Igbo dude who is wanted for attacking Barney the Dinosaur and the Teletubbies in addition to an attempted bombing of Sesame street.

Tuesday, 4 August 2009

Update addict...

18:33 Posted by Sir Scribbles 39 comments
I need to update my blog regularly, it's not you it's me, I'm an addict, two days wivout an update and I get the shakes and start hallucinations lol...alright enuf blabber let's yarn, I do not wish to offend but merely arouse productive thinking...

Now this may be a paragraph u don't normally see in my posts but i just had to ask you guys this. Abeg, on a scale of 1 to absolute nutcase where wud u rate pple who open their eyes while kissing and interrogate, not just talk, but interrogate while kpanshing. Okay maybe I can forgive those who open their eyes cos u neva know when ur lips might be stolen or when d person u r kissing will pull out your tongue wiv pliers but those pple wey dey ask too many question while kpanshing is just flat or insane and hilarious. "Do u like that?" "Should I do that?" "Why don't we try this?" "How was it for you?" C'MON!!!! Why don't you just take out a survey mid-kpanshing and tell him/her to fill it out for you. Oh and whoever started saying "Who's ur daddy?" first must have had some serious family issues. Why wud I want a lecture on your family tree in d middle of a kpansh. "C'mon baby tell me, who's your daddy?".."Well since you asked his name is Ezekiel H. Okoro wud you like his email address later on?"

LOL! Okay I just had to call her out, by show of hands how many of you think leggy has been seriously holding out on us....1...2...4...10...I see I'm not the only one. She tells us it's fiction but c'mon pple are we buying it? LEGGYCHUKWU this one is too much fiction to remain fiction I swear. You must come clean and tell us what other extracurricular actvities have been going on in that new apartment of yours or we will...we'll....we'll do something sha lol

I read in d news that a girl was sueing her school cos she cudn't get a job after graduating and alight bulb lit over my head. I'd just like to say that God forbid I am unemployed 6 months after graduating I will take Aunty Blessing from Primary 5 Red Social Studies, Mr. Musa from Jss 2C Maths, Dr. E from 4th year Algorthm analysis and Mr. Po Yang from PgD Computer networking for every cent they've got...I'm thinking £15k each

Skank [skangk]: an offensive term for a girl or woman who is regarded as unpleasant-looking and sexually promiscuous.
Jerk [jurk]: an offensive term for somebody who is regarded as behaving foolishly.
What do these two have in common apart from being elaborate descriptions of the kiosk girls in my high skool? Yes, they are the reigning dancesteps and their inventors have acheived something close to superstardom by simply christening erratic body movments wiv flattering names as the ones above. Therefore, it is a sagacious venture for me, who wants to be uber famous (not like Bruno), to invent a dancestep of my own. Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you "Ashawo convulse!!!" You heard it here first ooo, d dance is quite simple sef, all you need is a woman of easy virtue, a couple of sporadically flashing lights and a Doctor on speeddial. Make nobody copy my dance abeg, if I see Chris Brown Lee pullin any of my moves in public I go crase ooo! I wanna see u show some luv in d clubs nd on d streets, pple Do d Ashawo convulse mehn!! It's d new ish!!!...~~eh eh! let me see u open ur legs nd do the Ashawo convulse! Let me see u go in and out nd do d Ashawo convulse!! Stick a spoon in ur mouth nd do the Ashawo convulse!!!~~ LOL!

You must feel my video oooooo!!!!

09:59 Posted by Sir Scribbles 27 comments
Shey una see dis video? It took me about 2hrs to try and upload it...and that was the one wiv better quality oh! Dis one here and to go through two converters to make it unto this post so I advice you watch it make I no vex. If u r at work I suggest u carry ur PC to d toilet now and watch dis video, if u r not at work u have no excuse...don't even think about skipping it and readin d post....I no dey follow u joke oh! click the big play sign now!

If u r readin dis paragraph u must have watched d video...if not please take ur disobeying posterior nd click out of this post now...una think sey e easy to convert nd upload video! Now that we are all video-watching friends let us begin...

LMAO! If you watched this video then you shud be laughing your ass off right now. You know wetin trip me pass for the video? the second and third dudes that were flogged, they remind me sooo much of myself in primary and secondary skool. Me i no dey form, I can't chest cane to save humanity. If Obama came up to me and said "Robert, the fate of the entire world rests upon your shoulders, you can save mankind from destruction if you can just chest 3 strokes from ur Jss 2 maths teacher (Yes Mr. Musa I'm lookin' at you)" I'd be like "No vex o Bros. Barack but can I just take one stroke nd save Anambara state?"

Back in sec skool I use to hate flogging ehn, especially all those mass flogging wey dem dey give pesin for crimes I knew nothin off. Omo wetin consin me wiv who shit for back of hostel? if u didn't see d pesin wat will flogging all of us prove abeg! (Mr. Musa I'm still lokking at you). In my opinion he who found it number 2ed it mehn! Omo I no dey accept flogging easily o, aaaahhh u have to work for it! before u get to deliver ur full quota of caning you must have either run after me, sent pple to run after me or ambushed me after classes, one way or the other you are not getting me that easily. Imagine o! u tell me stand here and collect cane and you expect me, wiv me working brain, to just stand there like a mugu and wait for you to appease your secret femdom fetish..I beg to differ Aunty my ass don't come cheap!!

You see d way that kid ran out of the classroom after the first attack? Omo d boy was even brave sef, ME! ROBBY! I 4 follow window b4 d woman say stretch out your hand Infact if worse comes to worse I prefer the arm flogging than the back-to-the -cane. I want to see it coming, don't tell me to turn my back and then flod me wiv anxiety b4 u flod me wiv pain, this ain't a friggin SAW movie.

If you do get to flog me I'd like to know how many strokes u plan to give me, don't flog me like it's a friggin lottery and you don't know what the winning numbers will be today, failure to plan to planning to fail and if you fail to plan how many strokes you will give me then your plan to flog me in peace will fail woefully.

You know what I hate again? Teachers like d one in d video, d ones wey dey smile as dem dey flog. ARE U FRIGGIN INSANE? you are flogging me wiv a 34 inch bamboo stick and you are smiling? FRIGGIN SADIST!!! *Holding a Placard wiv Mr. Musa's name on it*

Finally you know what I also hate, class prefects wey no sabi co-operate. Having a class prefect that doesn't co-operate is like living with a known spy, you know dis guy is leaking information that is damaging your organisation but you are powerless to stop him (except when u r in d refectory and NEPA takes light nd he can't see it coming lol). I swear I can be sitting down minding my business throughout afternoon prep but 15 minutes to the end just when I think I'm home free someone farts and I can't help but laugh and maybe even make a tintili sketch nd pass it round class...then my name goes into the list of doom (names of noise makers) nd wiv lil asterixes and multiple "x2" accompanying it...I swear just remebering it now dey make me vex *Looking for Mr. Musa on Facebook*


05:25 Posted by Sir Scribbles 31 comments
First of all I'd like to say that I love blogsville and every single blogger in it especially the ones who commented on my last post. Una too much I swear! if pple in the world could show themselves half the consideration bloggers show to each other we wudn't have so much global headache. I will try and keep y'all posted on how it goes wiv me and her but when it comes to blogging about stuff like that I cannot be trusted lol...see how long it took me to tell u guyz about it sef. Now let's talk about something else shall we?

I read juiceegal's post on Metrosexuality and I cudn't help laughing cos just two weeks before that someone had called me a Metrosexual. Now I treat any word that has "-sexual" at the end of it and is not preceded by "hetero-" wiv caution so for the purpose of this post we will boycott the word "Metrosexual" and use "Metroawesome" instead capiche? Nice one! Now I want you to help me judge if Sir Scribbles II aka Robby Scribbles aka Bobbby-too-much aka Barrister feel-good is truely metroawesome or just plain awesome. Let's go there...

I like to match my shirts, ties, cufflinks, trousers belt, socks and shoes. I don't mean like wearing blue all through and looking like a teletubby's nephew, what I mean is there has to be cohesion between the colours of my outfits...I hate colour riot like Megan fox hates calculus. Wearing any combination of colours that do not match, compliment or associate will drive me crazy. My graduation gown was had green, red and purple on it...I nearly ran mad in the grad. hall lol.

I hate dirty trainers, sometimes I get on d train and I see someone wearing a pair of filthy white converse trainers and I just want to take a machete and amputate their legs. I have to clean all my trainers at least one a week depending on how many times they've been worn that week. If you are picturing me wiv a discarded toothbrush, a little bowl of soapy water, another little bolw of clean water nd a lil rag then ur imagination is on point.

I love suede, right from when I was a kid till dis very moment. If it's suede I want it, shoes, blazers, wallets, wateva! If they had a suede liver I'd sign up for a transplant.

It takes me about a whole day to pick out something to wear to a date. I have to start preparing at least a week before a date cos I know I will be changing my mind on d regular. When I was in Uni it was easier cos I had a rota for my clothes...every shirt, trouser, T-shirt and shorts had a day of week assigned to them and if I had a date sometime during the week the outfit assigned to that week wud be used but wud then have to be slotted in at the end of the rota to avoid repitition within a 2 week period.

I am a sucker for colognes and am therefore a mugu for a girl wiv a captivating scent. If a lady walks past me and smells absolutely divine it'd take 300 spartans to hold me down. I love colognes and can never leave d house wivout using either a cologne or body spray. When I say leave d house it includes going out in my pyjamas to buy bread, post letters or order pizza.

I hate creases wiv a passion. It takes me ages to finish ironing cos i hate creases so much. I hate the lil ones that hide around d shoulder-armpit area of the shirt, I hate d ones that hide around d crotch are of trousers..I hate creases! Cos I hate creases so much I hate linen...linen is a nightmare for me, they say it's supposed to look that way but me wearing linen can be likened to a suicide bomber who has second thoughts, I'm tense, always staring down at what I'm wearing and wishing I'd hadn't worn it in the first place. If you see when I'm ironing a Linen shirt you'd think I was demented.

This is the point where you tell me all this stuff is normal and it's in no way weird or unheard. For crying out loud David Beckham paints his friggin nails mehn...my own is small sef!!!

Monday, 3 August 2009

Spoof Ad #2

05:19 Posted by Sir Scribbles 22 comments
We live in dark times, the state of the global economy is dire and it seems like there is no end in sight. The recession has affected everything and everyone everywhere....even our dear blogsville. With blog foreclosures, the crash of the comment stock market and updates at an all-time low if a solution is not found soon we may be facing....online extiction. Who can lead us out of this turmoil towards a prosperous future? What must we do? Where must we go? My dear citizens of blogsville....We have the answer. From the people who brought you NUTRABLOG and VIRTUAL MAMA 2000 comes the answer you have all been looking for.....


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Touching blogsville one blog at a time.

(Scribblesoft corp will not be held responsible for blocked Orifises and placement of the MB 3.o is solely the responsibility of customers. Side effects include minor electricution and sudden muscle spasms)

Saturday, 1 August 2009

Blame d Maga

12:50 Posted by Sir Scribbles 12 comments
Recently I've been getting emails telling me to send my name, address, age nd all what not to some dude's email address cos I've won £1,000,000,000....imagine the insult!!! Abeg wetin dey worry yahoo boyz sef? shey of all the prospective mugus on the planet they think Sir Scribbles will be gullible enuf to fall for their crap? Maybe they think I'm naive enuf to assume the email's legit cos the names they used are Dan Smith or Henry Silverman ...fancy names won't get me cos I know ur real names....Emeka, Yusuf nd Gbola lol.

I don't know who we shud even blame for scamming sef, it's typical to blame the yahoo boys but doesn't it bother you that there're still suckers falling for these get-rich-right friggin now emails? "My uncle died and left me an inheritance and I need a spouse to claim it so send money for the lawyer"....nd some pple fall for this?...seriously ehn what makes you so special that some random dude want's to share his inheritance with you? The other day someone sent my mum a text telling her she'd won N10,000,000, in some Globacom raffle draw...which she didn't even enter for. They told her to visit one website nd drop all her info, thank God she asked for my opinion first, one look at that website and I knew it designed simply for maga purposes. She was like "They have a website, they must be legit" I simply told her she was lucky to have a wonderful pikin like me cos if not she'd be the inspiration for Kelly handsome's next hit song.

Sir Scribbles has a solution though, I think we shudn't even be trying to catch Yahoo boys, the pple we shud catch and jail are Mugus...YES MUGUS!!! If we start jailing Mugus pple won't fall for scams anymore...they won't even consider d offers sef! If you read in next weeks paper that 12 pple have been arrested and are in questioning on account of being Mugus what do u think the effect will be on the society at large...a scarcity of mugus that's what...a Mugu recession and yahoo yahoo extinction!!!