Terry the Mad man

I was supposed to be on a blog-fast till the 5th of Oct but screw dat lol. I've been looking through my drafts thinking of what to post but I believe the 2 day adventure I had between thursday(yesterday) and friday (today) was divinely designed to trump all drafts and make u laugh ur (effing) socks off. I don't know how long this post will be but I assure that after reading this ur boss, roommate, flatmate or whoever is in d vicinity will be looking for a straight jakced for you on ebay.

I just completed a 2 day training course for a job with London undergraound and during this course I met Terry and it was after this same course that I added another descriptive phrase to his name, "Mad man" Terry was our Trainer and form teh moment I walked into that class I knew shit was going to happen. Before he began the course he asked us all to write our names on d white plague place before us and introduce ourselves, one by one he asked us our names, age, occupation, our hobbies and if we drank or smoked. When he pointed at me I introudced myself, "Robert Scribbles, I'm 21 and a student studying Strategic Business IT and I like to draw and write, I don't drink and I don't smoke", he cocks his head and says "I think there are some pple who just make up names and say that's what they are studying in school, you say u don't drink and smoke? Do u do drugs?" I smile, "No I don't do drugs" "Well do u like women cos u've got to have some weakness?" "Yes I do like women Terry", "Took you long enuf to reply...u sure u don't like men?" I laugh it off and we finally start the class. During the class he starts talking about Underground tracks and how pple trip on the rails and get electrocuted. He asks if we've ever crossed live rail tracks, we all say yes, he turns to me and asks "Robert is it? Did u get an erection when u crossed d live rails?" I nearly fall of my chair but I still reply "No I didn't Terry" "Well dats gud son, at my age dats the only way we can get one of those anymore". He keeps talking and half way through the class he says "Have you ever gotten sooooo drunk, so fucking blitzed that you start to see Green gorillas under your bed? Oh sorry Robert you don't drink...mummy'll spank you if you did right?", at this point the whole class, including myself, have reaslised that for d duration of this course I will be dat guy who d teacher picks on constantly.

He goes on with the lecture and then he stops again and says "You guys are on this course to better yourselves, you want to make more money and have more responsibility right? You want to be like me, on my level? The thing is you only get to my level when after you're done giving the nasty to a woman she takes a deep breath and says "Ooooh thank you" for me it takes 3-4 hours but for you Robert I think 2-3 minutes" everyone bursts out laughing, even me, it's so funny that I spill coffee on d desk and this gives Terry another chance to hit me below d belt, "Oh look at that! Robert has just spilt coffee all over his lovely jacket, mummy's gonna be very cross with you son, we'll now call you Mr. A.P cos u are fucking accident prone son". He gives us a 15 minute break and I walk to d nearest shopping centre to check out books. I'm looking at books nd trying to pick one I'd like to read when I realise I've spent about 20mins in d store, "SHIT!!!" echoes through my mind nd I run out the store back to class, by the time I get there everyone's sitting nd taking notes, Terry turns to me and says "Where d fucking hell have you been?" "Sorry Terry, I was at the shopping centre and..." he cuts me off and retorts"Oh you were at the shopping centre were you? Looking at a couple of shoes and scarfs were we? forgot you were on a course today? well you are 15 mins late son and I am not going to repeat myself! Sit down!" He continues the class and goes on for about an hour without teasing me and just when I'm about to let my guard down he turns to me and says "What's your name again? Anthony? Gerald? Ringo?...Gladys? Well Gladys since you are a graduate you must be able to handle this simple math problem? If it takes us 20 seconds to walk from point A to point B and it takes the train 39 seconds to get from Point C to Point B, do u think we can get to point B before we are smashed by the train taking into account an additional 50% of our estimated time to the estimated time?" Now you know ur boy cannot dull so I answered him "Well it takes the train 39 seconds to get to point B nd if we add d additional 50% it'll take us a total of 30 seconds to get to point B. We can get to Point B b4 d train gets to our position". "Well aren't we bright nd sparky? Your not as thick as you look son" once again everyone burts into fits of laughter...including me. The class ends and just when I'm about to sneeak out he says "Ringo, you'll be in charge of class tomorrow, I'll want you to do a lil question and answer session b4 d final assessment, when do u want these fellas to be in class tomorrow?" I say 9am, he says 8am, we agree on 8:30am and I go home feeling tired and tormented.

It takes me an 1hr and 30mins to get to class from my house, we're supposed to be there at 8:30 but at 8:00am I was still in bed, my alarm didn't ring at 6am as it was supposed to cos d battery dies during d night and when I woke up and saw d static hands on d clock I knew sommething was wrong, I picked up my watch, saw that it was 8:17am nd screamed "SHHHHIIT" all d way to d bathroom. I got there at 9:30am nd as I walked into d class Terry glanced towards me nd said "WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN? WHERE IN D WORLD HAVE U BEEN? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN CHARGE TODAY AND YOU COME IN LATE? GOODNESS ME MAN YOU ARE AS THICK AS A BRICK AREN'T YOU?" I sha make my way to my seat nd handle d Q&A session with d fellas, he asks us to do a presentation on any topic we want, first guy talks about his days in d army, second guy talks about his job as an estate agent, third guy talks about his dyslexia (learning disorder), fourth guy was me and I talked about Football and how I'm crap at playing it in real life, My love for Man utd, My love for to writing and drawinng and the little caricature I did of Terry d day b4 which I didn't want anyone to see, Teryy seems interested in my presentation now and asks 4 d caricature, I tell him I left is at home "Well that's bloody useful isn't it? Are you dyslexic or are you just thick like that?" Once again d class is filled with laughter and I walked back to my seat smiling. He later finishes d lecture and tells us that the cut-off mark for the assessment is 80 out of 100, we take d test, I score 97 out of 100. and on d back of my sheet he writes:

"Robert, you are a cracking guy and I intentionally picked on you throughout this course to see how you handle yourself. Even though you need mentoring for this job I realised that you are a confident and enthusiastic young man and with yoru brains you'll do fine here."

I take my certificate nd as I leave d class he calls me, shakes my hand and says "It was a pleasure having you here, hope to see u again son. I like you, very good lad...now off u go with your fucking self"