Feli Feli Issues S01E01

Welcome to Feli Feli Issues, I'm your host Royal Blogger and on this show our expert analysts analyse the hot topics in the world today giving us their expert opnions and insight. Today we have three guest analysts and they are Nigerian Politician, Religious Leader and Atheist Writer. Welcome everyone and todays topic is Swine Flu. what are your opinions?

Nigerian Politician: Bloody white pple, una too get wahala, always catching nonsense nonsense diseases, if it's not bird flu it's anthrax, if no be anthrax na swinne flu. Why can't you just close your mouths when you sneeze for crying out loud?

Religious Leader: Well there's really no need to start insulting people Nigerian Politician. I personally think swine flu is God's way of telling us the end is near.

Atheist Writer: Bullshit! If he was as omnipotent as u claim then why wud he need swine flu to inform us of the so-called 'end time' when he cud easily turn on the heavely public address system and announce that our time was up! afterall he is God right?

Religious Leader: Well I wudn't expect you to understand atheist, you do not believe in him and most definitely will not undersand the way he works

Atheist Writer: This is the same crap you feed your misguided followers and then pass a collection plate around so that u can afford to drive a BMW. If I had a penny for everytime I've heard 'God works in mysterious ways' you'd be living in a mansion in Venice cos you'd have collected it all under the guise of funding for a new building.

Nigerian Politician: Whether there is or isn't a God is absolutely inconsiquential to the severity of the matter at hand. The problem is that you devious oyibos have once again decided to throw the world into panic by concocting another preposterous disease just so you can tell us 'third world countries' that if we ever rose up against you you'd wipe us out with a handkerchief full of nasal mucus. You think you scare us? we have a saying where I come from, "Disease no dey kill black man"

Atheist Writer: Except AIDS, Malaria, Polio and Cholera...

Nigerian Politician: Sorry, wat was that?

Atheist Writer: Nothing...u were saying something about oyibos?

Religious Leader: This is not a rascist issue Mr. Nigerian Politician, this is a matter of penance or penalty. The Moral decay in the society has sent a bad scent to heaven and God has simply given us a sign that if we do not change our ways he will come down upon us with a fist of fury.

Atheist Writer: Well surely if he was omnipotent he wudn't need to climb down 4rm his thrown and come all d way down to dis insignificant morally decaying rock we call a planet nd slam his fist on our heads furiously. If he is all powerful he cud just snap his fingers and we'd all be dead...but he hasn't has he?

Religious Leader: Because he is merciful and hasn't given up on your soul dear friend. Swine Flu is simply a warning, a teaser of things to come. If I were you I'd get down on my knees and...

Atheist Writer: Hold it right there...u want me to do what? Get down on my knees? You'd like that wudn't you? All you clergymen disgust me!!

Nigerian Politician: You see what I'm talking about? We are here talking about Swine Flu and you two Oyibos are talking many nonsense there. Frankly we, the nigerian leaders, are putting together a task force to prevent the disease from reaching our shores and combating it if it does.

Religious Leader: Oh really, and how much has your government budgeted for this task force?

Nigerian Politician: Approximately N85b

Atheist Writer: and how much will you pocket from this amount?

Nigerian Politician: about N70b...sorry I meant to say none. All the money will be used to implement safety measures for my family sorry our people.

Atheist Writer: I don't know what annoys me more, the religious fascists who wants us to believe that a supreme being wants us all dead of the political leader who plans to siphon a countries budget into his his pocket. Swine Flu isn't a warning from God and it sure as hell isn't an avenue for politicians to embezzle money either. Get that into your thick skulls please!

Nigerian Politician: Wait oh! did he just insult me? Shey dis man dey craze, I swear I go chook you Microphone oh!

Religious Leader: Yes he did Nigerian politician. May God forgive you atheist. I only pray that your soul is not too damned for redemption and Good will touch you before the night is over

Nigerian Politician: God ke? Touch ko? This basterd insulted me and my family on TV, why involve God when we can handle this ourselves? cameraman please turn the camera off, presenter please unplug my mic...This Maga wan dey do anyhow 4 public. God no need to touch u tonight o! Na me go show u d light...BASTERD!

Due to Technical difficulties the broadcast of this program has been suspended. Please tune in next week as another group of 'excitable' analysts tackle another hot topic on the show. I'm Royal Blogger signing out for Feli Feli Issues