disturbing...

"You be soldier boy, If you no carry helmet sun go beat you, if you no carry boot snake go bite you, if you no carry gun bullet go kill you.." M.I ft. SAS - Hustle rmx

So two posts in one day? not new is it? Anyways me get stuff to yan as usual so sit down, grab a pack of crisps and sip some juice while you enjoy...no choke sha!

Apparently some folks think I'm a bit mean cos in some of my posts I say less than admirable things about celebrities and famous folk in general. I was tempted to do one of two things, apologise for some of my quips or tell dem to sod off, I will do neither. What I will do is re-establish some already evident facts, Is it your blog? NO! Are you Sir Scribbles II? OFCOURSE NOT! Did I drag you kicking and screaming to come and read 'The Royal Scribbles'? NO I DIDN'T! So if you dnt like what you see here, if you have a problem with any word, sentence or paragraph, if your heart burns with anger and disgust at the sort of humour on display then you brought it upon yourself cos nobody beg you make you reach area. Infact...

Actress and former Playboy bunny Pamela Anderson will make her pantomime debut this Christmas in a production of Aladdin. The former baywatch star is going to be playing the part of the Genie and just like in her sex tape the audience will see how rubbing her lamp will make cum out. In other news, Statistics show that by the year 2015 the world's population will have increased by 20%, 2face please use a condom! Finally, a reliable source told The Sun newspaper that Amy Winehouse loves showing off her new boobs and wanted to get sexy underwear to make the most of them. I believe that when Miss Winehouse has a baby and takes up breast feeding it'd be advisable to label her boobs accordingly, 'Alchoholic and Non-alchoholic'. Now if you like dis paragraph u can liek to chew on a grenade...moving on!

I ran into a vile human being a few days ago and I swear to you this man was so vile that I was shocked to numbness. Now most black peeps in a white man's country will claim to have be a victim of one form of rascism or the other but to be honest I haven't really seen a direct, blatant rascist person since I stepped into this country...until a few days ago.
I was jejely sitting on the train oh, been out all day and was heading home tired and hungry as feck! Two dudes got on the train some stops after me and cos it was rush hour there were no empty seats so they had to stand. I'd had earphones in my ears throughout the journey and could hardly hear what anyone in the carriage was saying but I glanced towards one of the dudes who'd gotten on the train and the look on his face made me curious enuf to pause Trey Songs 'Yo side of the bed' (mad song btw) and eavesdrop. I remember his comments like they were words from our national anthem and this is exactly what we was muttering to his friend,

*Warning: What you are about to read contains strong language, reader discretion is advised*

"...fucking immigrants, wish they'd go back to their fucking countries. Look at them, all sitting there in our chairs acting like they own the fucking place, bunch of cunts if you ask me. They are all the same to me, cunts who take our jobs and pollute our streets. Yeah they work like hell but they breed like hell too. Bunch of Niggars, Pakis and Chinks all together in one train and I'm fucking on it! Wish I had a gun, shoot every last one of them I tell you, bang! bang! bang! Ethnic cleasing..I love it! Hitler was a man who knew how to deal with cunts, kill em all...dats the only way to get rid of them for good mate...kill em all".

My people I'd be lying to you if I told you I wasn't deeply disturbed by this man's presence on the train. To be honest I couldn't write everything he said cos it'd feel like I was tainting my blog wiv his words. There are still people like this in this world oh, dnt even dull urself thinking it's everyone is as sensible as you. These are the kind of people who's comments should be criticized, not the casual quips found on The Royal Scribbles. I've been thinking about that train ride ever since and the man's hateful expression as all these rascial slurs flew out of his mouth is ethced into my memory and will be there for a very long time unfortunately. I know I should have taken the bus I swear!

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Toilet Graffiti is the devil's way of saying waste ur brain!

There are some things in this life that I fail to comprehend properly, not like I'm supposed to understand everything but there are some little things that just elude my understanding and anytime I try to appreciate or at least grasp the motive behind these things I end up more confused than I was in the beginning. One of the things I can't seem to wrap my head around is toilet graffiti...I FRIGGIN HATE TOILET GRAFFITI!!!!!!!! I don't get why people write on the walls of a toilet to be honest. First of all I hate public toilets, I'd rather wear a diaper for the whole friggin day than do a number 1, 2 or even 3 in a public toilet but seeing as I have a reputation to think about I have to compromise when situatiosn become 'dire'. I was forced to compromise one day and take a leak in a public toilet, it was at a train station and I wasn't sure I had the 'bladderbility' to hold it till I got to my stop. Anways I was in the one of the stalls and it was one of those moments where you aren't really thinking straight until you are done taking a leak, after that u start to take in your surroundings and realise what's really going on around you. This toilet stall was marred with graffiti mehn, as in everywhere! There were so many drawings of private parts and sex positions that you could lose your virginity just from just touching the wall. Doodles about anything and everything were everywhere I tell you and someone even wrote down all the lyrics from a 2-pac song on the stall's door. Seriously ehn if I've never heard a 2-pac song before would the inside wall of a public toilet be the best place to advertise it to me? Now this is just baffling! How do people come up with this stuff please? how long does it take some people to shit that they get so bored that they have to entertain themselves by writting 2-pac songs on the wall? How nasty do you have to be to be thinking about sex when you're sitting on the porcelain thrown biko? Is it on some people's to-do list?
1. Buy milk,
2. Pick up laundry
3. Defac public toilet wiv drawings of male genitals.
It's really hard for me to get why someone would take out a pen, chalk, pencil or marker and start writting or drawing on the walls of a public toilet. Think about it for a second, a dude stands infront of a wall after doing his business and then says to himself:
"This wall looks rather bland, maybe I should entertain myself and the other innocent, unsuspecting patrons of this here stall by carving all the pet names I have for my johnson onto it, afterall I'm in a public toilet and bored out of my mind" Please can someone enlighten me on this issue?
Everytime I walk into a toilet and see graffiti on the walls I'm hit by a wave of bewilderment, to me it's just an exhibition of how bored, gross and irresponsible peeps can be to be honest. Don't even get me started on folks who throw gum on d streets or stick it under chairs...I go just vex fling laptop 4 wall!!!

btw if you haven't seen my birthday wishlist then hop on over to http://royalscribblesdeux.blogspot.com/2009/11/wish-list.html. For the lovely people interested in making this Igbo boy happy on the 19th of december you can mail me for delivery as well as other miscellaneous details at robbyscribbles@gmail.com.

I haven't done a spoof ad in a while you know?...Peace out peeps!!!!

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The Wish list

~THE WISHLIST '09~

So here it is, my birthday wishlist! My Birthday is on 19th of December and this is a list of things I'd love from anyone and possibly everyone planning on getting me a gift. I found it hard to narrow down some of my choices because I liked different styles or colours of an item in a category so I decided to give those of you who are interested options to choose from. You know I don't have wahala and as expected this isn't obligatory, the list doesn't mean a card of a text won't be appreciated.

~Hawes and Curtis Shirt~

I love Hawes and Curtis, they do the most alluring shirts I've seen so far. Here are a couple I'm partial to and they're arranged in order of decending preference. Just by looking at the colours and patterns I'm sure you've deduced that I have a thing for striped brightly coloured shirts :)

~Diesel: Fuel for life and/or Hugo Boss Ambre Baldessarini~

I'd love to get a a bottle of any one of these colognes. I've used tons of colognes in my short life and any one of these two would be absolutely awesome. Is it too much to ask for 75ml and above? well that's up to you really but like I said I'd love any one of them.

~Fred Perry Track Top~

They look good right? yes I know! Once again anyone of these would be perfect, I kinda like the red one better but blue stripes on the black one keep stalling my decision on which one I'd prefer. I'll let you decide. My size in these should be Extra large (XL), can be found at JD.

~Royal Republiq 'Be Open Eagle' leather belt~

I like the belt and it's as simple as that! I think it's because of the buckle, don't know really. Can be found at equip.com

~Fred Perry and/or Nanny State Plimsoll Shoes~

Sir Scribbles loves plimsoll shoes and Fred Perry and Nanny State know how to make konfirmed Plimsoll shoes mehn. Once again anyone of these would be awesome. I'm usually a size 46/12 but it'd be safer to go with a 47/13. I know shey? my feet are massive lol. Can be found at Asos.com and JD

So that's my birthday wish list for the 19th of December 2009. You see? I told you I wasn't fussy :). Any questions don't hesitate to ask. Peace out!

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Scribbles says

*WARNING: The following post may offend some readers*

The following are 12 wise sayings from the Sagacious Sir Scribbles, read it, absorb it and live it. Don't be dismayed if you do not understand some of them though, understanding will come with time.

Scribbles says..

A Man with big head has a lot on his mind

A Man who plays the cookie jar song at his wedding is giving his wife a heads up

A Man with big feet is always one step ahead.

Just because a Calabar man called you a bitch doesn't make him a Cannibal

When a hausaman says "I want to poke you" on Facebook it's best to read between the lines

A Woman who buries her head in laps likes to help men get 'ahead'

The coward lives to point out the grave of the brave man.

Sex is technological, Men like software and women like hardware

If your Papa is a half-cast and your Mama is a half-cast it doesn't make you one full Oyibo

A Man who cheats on his wife with her twin is stuck in a deja vu

Childbirth and abortion are like the two sides of a glass door, one side needs you to push while the other needs to be pulled.

Pre-marital sex is like meat in jollof rice, if u eat it first there's nothing to look forward to at the end of the meal

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Oya collect your usual medicine.....

Una don dey craze shey? seriously wat the hell is going on? fight fight fight everywhere! Why is there so much beef going around ehn? pple are taking swipes at each other, calling each other names, being hateful and spiteful like it's a normal thing. I tire 4 una oh, there use to be a time wen we'd all laugh, say what we wanted and still be friends after the last full stop. I tire 4 una drama oh, I thot it wasn't getting to me but lately I can't even blog right cos of all d wahala everywhere. It's no longer fun to blog u know, everyone is so cautious, so critical, so uptight now and frankly it's pissing me off. I cnt even read 3 posts wivout coming across a discourteous reference to another blogger. How? wen dis one happen biko? wen we start to dey craze like dis? It's not cool at all! Isn't there enuf drama in our lives already? do we really need to turn blogsville into a living soap opera? Anyways dat one na 4 una pocket sha cos Sir Scribbles' is resuming activties like sey nothing dey happen!

Ladies and Gentlemen my birthday don dey come *gen gen* hehehe! You shud have been expecting this since naw, 4rm Januray till now I haven't said anything about a birthday so obvioulsy it's around d corner. I'm thinking of making a wishlist but it's dat kind of thing dat makes ur friends avoid you till d following year lol. Frankly I dnt do lists cos I think it puts pple who care in awkward positions and takes d whole fun of gifting giving out of a birthday. However, my friend got 2 iphones 4rm 'platonic' friends so I'm looking to invest in dis list making market. WAAAAAAAAAIIT!! Una don dey run shey? dnt worry I dnt want an iphone joh! Not to make too much mouth but I'm a very satisfied young man so wat do u think? list or no list? well I guess the more appropriate question to ask wud be publish the list or not? I have already drafted the it and by just looking at it I know that even the people who care will revolt. If I do publish the list I expect to see a small placared weilding mob gathered on my lawn chanting something like "Hell no! Scribbles list must go!"

I heard Nkem Owoh aka Osuofia was kidnapped lol. I don't know why I find that so frigging funny I swear! I also heard the kidnappers made a ransom demand of N15m LOL! Abeg who is going to pay that amount of money for Nkem Owoh? I'm not saying he's not worth it oh, what I'm asking is who's going to pay it? I'm expecting some of his usual movie co-stars to stand up and be counted, Sam Loco where are you? John Okafor aka Mr. Ibu pay dis ransom, Patience Ozokwor aka Mama Gee show us how much of a mama u are biko! Come to think of it this kidnapping business is a way of measuring how famous you are you know. I forsee a future where if ur an A-list celeb and you haven't been kidnap you'll get demoted to the B-kist and if you still dnt attract kidnappers you get a further demotion. Actors go dey vex sey dem neva kidnap dem, muscians will be hustling to be kidnapped lol. You can trust Timaya to mention it in one of his tracks naw, "My name na Timaya ransomed cos I'm handsome dey strike like a thunder dey blow like a bazooka" LMAO!

I watched a CNN backstory segment about the Mafia in Italy a while back. The reporter was very enthusiastic and I was really interested in the story especially since it involved the mafia. The reporter focused on a particular town and how the mafia had the inhabitants in a chokehold. He said they were forced to pay protection money to the ruling mafia and the amount of extortion going on there was unbelievable. Now you'd think doing a story on the mafia in a mafia controlled town wudn't be risky enuf for this reporter right? well like I said he was very enthusiastic and this man wanted to really capture the essence of a mafia controlled town. He said he wanted to see if he cud get one of the shop owners on a street to confess that he paid protection money to the mafia, LMAO! Dats just mad shey? Now I'm no mafia boss and most of my mafia knwoledge was acquired courtesy of Grand theft auto but I believe getting someone to confess they pay protection money to the mafia on international televisiosn isn't really a smart thign to do, kinda like signing ur death warrant on a global scale. You know this reporter actually walked up to a man in a store and told the man he was on CNN and asked if he paid protection money, Omo u for see d man face naw, I swear he cudn't believe that was wat he was being asked on camera. The reporter was indirectly trying to get the poor man killed. The man didn't even answer the reporter, he just went into his store muttering something under his breath in italian. My Italian is a bit rusty seeing as I dnt speak the language but common sense tells me that what that man said was "Fecking maga! Be like sey bomb dey your papa head"

Do you know M.I? I love M.I, Mr incrdible is a genius and one of d most lyrically sound artists of in naija but something always gets to me wen I hear his rhymes. Now those of you who listen to M.I will know that in his lyrics he likes to declare that he is Nigerian and proud, infact he usually says he's a black boy nd he's proud. Now I just think dats stating d obvious, is there really need to reinform us about the colour of your skin M.I.? have u seen M.I? dat broda is blacker than charcoal with a sun tan. He keeps repeating he's black like sey we dey follow am argue. Is there a debate going on somewhere about M.I's complexion? who is d maga dat thinks M.I is a halfcast or mixed race or even oyibo sef? That's like saying Fela never smoked weed or Chris brown pays attention to all those warnings at the beginning of wrestling shows that say "Don't try this at home"

I love blogsville you know, I really can't elaborate what I've learned and experienced cos of the people here and it's soo no cool seeing all this spite and strife. I don talk my own sha!

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Uncles in the house!

I wanted to post the concluding part of my last post but that will have to be pushed back for now because I have more important gist. I remember telling you guys that my baby cousin's first birthday was coming up, on the 7th of November to be precise. I have to settle down to give y'all the gist so make I start.
We started planning this party like a month ago, my uncle is a confirmed party monger and he wanted it to be massive. By friday the 6th the house was filled with crates and cartons of drinks, trays and coolers of food and we'd managed to re-arrange the whole house to give peeps enough space to display their kolo. As usual the league of extraordinary Uncle's was invited and the plan was to have the kids party at 6pm in a rented hall, end it by 7pm so the adults would have time to get to the house for the house party at 8pm. Trust Naija peeps now, invitation said party starts at 8pm shey? 8:45 the house was still empty, 9pm only one person had shown up. 9:15pm the house was full, some stereotypes just can't be disproved lol. 9:30pm peeps were just chilling, feeling the athmosphere, mostly sober and having lucid conversations. I had 3 cameras on me, a bit too much u say? You'd think it was because of some cliched motive like wanting to capture the memorable moments on the occasion right? Well you'd be partially right if you thought so but my other reason was absolute mischief hehehehe! U think sey I go dull b4? My Uncles were all going to be under the same roof, there'd be loud music and enough drinks and food to humble the strongest of men, wacky and hilarious things wud happen, I was certain of it and wanted to be the first on the scene, cameras flashing and laughing my ass off. Trust my uncles naw, they didn't disappoint!

It was the usual house party athmosphere, music, chatter, slurping and munching. At about 11pm all the people who had stuff to do the next day like church or work started leaving and by 12am my Uncles began to display. Now the funny thing about all this is the fact that they were all tipsy but if you didn't know them you wouldn't have guessed it. I'll just give you a quick run through of some of the things that happened. My Uncles started a dance competition between themselves but there was no skanking, jerking or breakdancing oh, it was confirmed Igbo steps mehn. At a point one of dem took off his jacket and lay flat on d floor while another danced around him. Since I was fuly equipped for the situation there was no shortage of camera flashes and that led to one Uncle dubbing me paparazzi for the night. That same Uncle asked me why I wasn't drinking anything, another Uncle told him I don't drink, he looked confused and asked me to reaffirm, I told him I really didn't drink and that's when they he decided to finish me! Apparently a few months back he'd seen me hugging a girl at the train station but he had never said anything...until tonight. "See dis man oh, u talk sey u no dey drink but I see you 4 ilford 2 months back with one girl like dat. Una just dey hug like sey una wan swallow urselves. I dey fear you oh Scribbles! I think sey u be holy-holy b4 but afta dat day I start to dey salute you!" My mouth fell open, another Uncle turned and asked if it was true, I didn't answer, all the others rounded on me and by the time they were done teasing and joshing me I was so red in the face that if I stood on the street cars would stop in front of me. But u trust me now, I had my revenge a few hours later.

4am, the only people left in the house were my uncles, my baby cousins were in bed, mumsy and my little sister were crashing and I was already nodding off in the siting room. I'd already exhasted two 2GB memory cards but the 3rd would hold the most satisying information of the day beacause in addition to containing videos of my uncles dancing and hollering like sey dem dey mad, I caught one of my uncle's, the one who started teasing me, trying to smuggle the last bottle of courvoisier into his car. I swear it was hilarious and what heightened the hilarity was the fact that it was caught on camera. I would have let him take the bottle because we're all family but the man refused to pay for my silence. Abeg no judge me joh, the man even owes me £30 for fixing his laptop and he's been dodging me ever since I gave it back to him. I knew I should have taken a deposit first. Anyway I told him to pay only £10 for my silence if he wanted to leave with the courvoisier but he was being stubborn and even played the "we are family" card. Omo I no gree oh, the bottle is in the kitchen now and it's not my fault, uncle was just being cheap abeg because technically I was telling him to pay 10 quid for a bottle of courvoisier. I'm still going to collect my 30 quid from him, maybe I'll use the picture to threaten him.

Everything that happened could never match up to what happened the following day. We'd been cleaning the house for a while and I decided to take a break. I sat in the living room watching TV, my baby cousin was crawling towards me, stopped half-way, gripped the edge of a table and started walking fo the first time. I was ecstatic! I screamed for eveyone to come see and everybody came to the living room. I stood her up, took a few steps back and she walked towards me again. My aunt screamed, my mum screamed, my sister screamed, my uncle was fronting but I knew he wanted to scream. The reason why we were all excited was simply because the pikin no wan walk before. we'd been trying to get her to walk but she just like crawling. I was so happy because it broght back memories. The last baby that walked infront of me for the first time was my lil brother and even after he's begged me to stop telling the story I still can't get the image out of my head. My baby cousin can only walk in a straight line though and when she walks it's like an impersonation onf Klint the drunk but she can sha move without being on all fours. Before that day I was scared that in a decade I'd have a 10yr old cousin who still crawled lol.

In summary it was a wonderful weekend and only reached an anticlimax today when we found out london bus drivers were on strike. Thank goodness I'm not going anywhere today, my sister was livid because she had to take a cab to school and will probably take one back home too. Mumsy leaves on tuesday so at least I'll have my privacy back even if it's just for a month. Peace, love and prosperity to y'all. We go jam l8r.

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The Division (concluded)

If you read the last post then you already know what the deal is, my pal Richie is in a bit of a dilemna because he's dating a white girl and his mum isn't happy with the idea. I was always accused of negligence because I let my friend fall into teh hands of a white girl. Now this wasn't what bothered me abouut the whole issue, what bothered me was the way Richie's mum and uncle analysed the whole thing. I decided to quote two comments from the previous post not because I felt they were the most accurate or important but because they were actually related to teh analysis I wanted to give in this concluding post.

First off is Neo's comment and I believe it was a very concise way of explaining why interracial relationships received tons of raised eyebrows. Rascism has affected a lot of things in our society and mindsets have either been modelled or remodelled based on it. The reason why Richie's mum and uncle are so critical of is relationship with the girl is simply because when they were Richie's age the thought of even associating with a white person cordially was precareious. The disposition of the 'old folk' towards interracial associations has been passed down through generations and that's the reason why some people in this modern time still see a these sort of associations as finite and unserious. The modern mind always tries to criticse the folk who frown on interracial relationships but sometimes we forget that their idealogies are modelled based on experiences they had and situations they've been in which in most cases they couldn't control. An old black man will tell his son not to marry a white woman simply because he's seen it lead to disaster before and he'll be absolutely justified. Also a friend will tell you that it's cool to date someone from another race simply because in this day and age the line between races and cultures has been blurred to insignificance, also justifiable.

The second and final comment is Lady X's becasue it gives insight into the issue of racial division and ethic preferences. After analysing the incident at the wedding you'd be pretty close to concluding that Richie's mum and uncle were rascist right? Now consider this, there's a possibility that rather than racism being the root of their idealogy it's stereotyping. In my opinion stereotyping is an infant form of rascism along with other types of prejudice and one can only become prejudiced concerning issues like this after reaching a climax in stereotyping. They said a white woman will just use Richie and dump him, same way they might say a Hausa woman will not be able to make eba the way he wants it or a yoruba woman will put too much oil in his stew. When it comes to stereotyping, experiences lead to opinions which gain doggedness as the effects of the experiences seep deeper into one's being. In the end the most dogged opinions give birth to stereotyped dispostions. The message here is similar to the previous paragraph, their mindsets may be questionable but their experiences cannot be disregarded.

In conclusion, I didn't talk to Richie about his white girlfriend because I didn't see the need to do so. If he's doing it for the right reasons then who are we to judge? If he's got less than admirable intentions then that's between him and his 'girlfriend'. We can't deny that most interracial relationships are met with raised eyebrows and stereotyping will always play a role in the analysis of such relations but consider this and correct me if I'm wrong; genuine interracial relationships require a lot of understanding, patience, compromise and confidence. People who consider getting involved in them must ask themselves if they are ready to exude all these traits constantly because the society, as modern as you may think it is, will never let an opportunity to test them all go unused.

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The Division

This is a post that's like 3 months old but the subject matter is as fresh as bread out of an oven. I'll give you a run-through of the incident that prompted it all and if you haven't already realised it this is going to be one of those moments where Sir Scribbles isn't as comical as customary.

The sister of a friend of mine was getting married. I'm really close to the family especially the last-born, Richard, nd we are basically like brothers. I didn't go for the church wedding and since I skipped that I ended up running into Richie for the first time that day at the reception which was when he told me was he'd brought his 'current' girlfriend to the wedding. Prior to today I had no idea Richie was even in the process of dating someone seeing as he is a womanizer of immense proportions and the news left me curious and excited. However, when I asked him how the church wedding went he told me he had left the church rather annoyed because, in his words, "They want me to be like them". Later the bride's mum who's a close friend of my mum arrived and after we exchanged greetings her and my mum went into a little room to talk. 30 minutes later my mum reappears, pulls me gently to a corner of the room where we wouldn't be overhead and tells me that Richie's mum is worried because he's dating a white girl and can't understand why I would let that happen seeing as we are close friends. Now remember I hadn't even known Richie had a girlfriend till that very day and her race was definitely still unknown to me but being accused of 'negligence' wasn't even what bothered me. The next person to talk to me was Richie's 80-something year old looking uncle and the man gave me a long speech on how white women lure black men into marriages, wreck their lives and then divorce them leaving the men useless and distraught. I was attentive throughout the whole speech because I found it rather intriguing but not for the reasons Richie's uncle would have preferred. What really intrigued me was the concluding part of the speech, he likened interracial marriages to slavery and said that no matter how much 'love' interracial couples think they have it can't overcome the western individual's tendecy to consider the black man as a slave, this was the sentence that intrigued me the most. I had already started to feel uncomfortable seeing as it was my best friend who was the subject matter of the 'interesting' discussion and after I informed them that I hadn't even known Richie had a girlfriend till that very day I assured his mum and uncle that I'd have a word with Richie as soon as possible and find out the reason behind his decision to date a white girl. However, I had no intentions of doing anything of the sort.

to be continued...

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