Make I gist you...

It's been a while since I gave you pple solid Sir Scribble gist shey? Don't mind me mehn, Tatafo Today wan scatter my head lol. It's like I opened a can of worms wiv dat post cos now I can't watch the news or read a newspaper without interpreteing it satirically lol. It's all gud sha, I sha get gist 4 una. Everyone in this house don dey disturb me about woman, some are merely curious while some are demanding that I get a girlfriend lol. The thing is I've lost d zeal to chase women. Women too dey give headache nd I really don't want to be spending travelcard money on Paracetamol. One of these days I'll gist you guys bout my very complicated nd boring love life but for now just know that I, Sir Scribbles, am on strike. It's rather sad to say this but I have only been meeting 'long' women lately and it has taken its toll on me so the strike is appropriate. However, d flirting department is still functional *wink wink* lol

My aunt thinks I'm gay! The woman has been looking at me one kin' these days and a few weeks back she just cornered me in d kitchen and accused me of being gay! In her own words, "Why don't u ever bring girls home? you hardly go out and even when you do go out we don't know where u go or who u go to see. Your phone never rings and even when it does ring it's either ur mother or your sister. You know u can tell me these things, I was young too you know? I know all these things." Abeg can u see d trap this woman is setting for me? so she don dey trail me shey? I'm now living with a CIA agent oooo! she wants me to start bringing girls back home so dat she can report to Scribble HQ and give Mama Scribbles high BP? No Thank you! The last time I told my Aunt bout a girl I liked she used it to blackmail me for three months! The day I bring a girl into this house is the day Muhammed Ali dances yahoozee lol

My Baby cousin's birthday party is in a couple of days and I manged to get a sample of the jamz the DJ will be playing on dat day. I swear I wanted to smack d dude on d head, if dats wat d man was planning on playing I shud bury his head in a turntable! I think I'm just going to burn some CDs and give him to mix and play cos if I even hear one chorus 4rm any of the jams on those CDs of his I'll flip. You'd think he'd go 4 naija jamz at least but no, d man was planning on playing Barbie Girl nd Mr Bombastic, wat kind of mixed CD is dat biko? Maybe I shud start looking 4 another DJ? it's either dat or I'll just be d DJ dat day.

I've started looking for graduate jobs oh! I'm so happy I know wat I want to do with my life. It took a while for me to figure it out but I know what I've decided to is definitely what I'm going to be happy doing. Sir Scribbles is a business Analyst in the making and this is an official reaching-out-to-those-with-the-experience paragraph. Abeg this young, energetic, confident and hardworking lad is definitely going to be a nuclear business analysts so I dey beg una ehn, anyone with advice nd tips on graduate jobs for business analysts shud just holla at a broda robbyscribbles@gmail.com. If you be fine girl you can include your number with the email but that's not compulsory lol. Seriously though, I'll finish my postgraduates in June '10 and have already started scouting for jobs but if you've got advice either about the Business Analyst career or about jobs in dat area no fear to holla k. Thanks a million.

I was kinda sleepy wen typing this so bear wiv me. I'll give y'all some more cohesive gist later k. peace out

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Tatafo Today 2

Thank you for joining us once again on Tatafo Today, your trusted and verifed source for the latest and stale news with a slight twist. Today's headlines...

A disney movie titled 'Blindness' has recently received serious critisicm from filmwatchers. The movie centres around the events transpiring after a viral breaout take saway people's sight. The most enraged members of the community seem to be the blind and they claim the movie potrays them as vile and incompetent. The movie has been labeled filthy, vicious and depraved by many members of the blind community and they have threatened to employ austere measures to ensure the movie is boycotted . In an offical press conference,Tatafo Today asked the community's spokespoken, Mr One-eyed McMan, one simple question: "Which member of the blind community saw the movie?"

A few months back video game giant CAPCOM released another installment of the Resident Evil Series titled Resident Evil 5. The game gives players control of a caucasian protagonist and puts them in a fictional african town overrun wiv native zombies and sees players slay numeorus native zombies to achieve certain goals. The game has been reviewed and criticized by members of the community with people claiming the game habours subtle rascist allusions beacuse the protagonist is caucasian and he is slaying african zombies. Our reporters her at Tatafo Today are doing our best to keep you up to date on the situation but we are still unable to contact an African Zombie for an official statement

Fu Bingli has recently proven that he has the world's strongest fingers. The Kung Fu master has been practicing Kung Fu for 32 years since the age of seven and in a show of amazing strength Fu Bingli was able to stand upside down supporting himself on just one index finger before topping this feat by completing 12 press ups on just one finger on his right hand. The Kung Fu master is very optimistic about his chances of getting into the Guniess world record books and seemed very enthusiastic when talking to Tatafo Today. A few moments ago we confirmed that the night before, Fu Bingli's wife had been rushed to the emergency room with a suspected damaged Cervix.

Katie price, recently divorced, star of a sextape and rumoured girlfriend of a porn star has just been shortisted for the mother of the year award. Our analysts and pundits here at Tatafo Today have given us their expert opinion and believe the probability of Katie winning the award are as high as Obama featuring on MTv Cribs.

And that's it from us here at Tatafo Today, we hope to see you again next time on the show. Goodbye!

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Tatafo Today!

Good evening, My name is Robert Scribbles and this is Tatafo today bringing you the world's latest and stale news with a twist. Before we begin we'd like to observe a minute silence for the Premeir league teams Liverpool and Chelsea as once again they have shown that anyone foolish enough opposes Manchester United will be put to sleep by teams of lesser standard and managers with smaller bellies. Now the world's Tatafo....

Singer Leona Lewis was attacked at the book signing for her new autobiography in Piccadilly, London. The attacker screamed the words 'I love you' before punching Miss Lewis in the face. In his defence, the attacker's lawyer claims his client was simply trying to show his appreciation for Miss Lewis's work and he was innocent because he had been misled by Miss Lewis to believe that she bled love. In another press conference Mikey Mouse announced that he too would be launching an autobiography, his exact words were "What could she possibly have seen in life that I haven't"

Victoria Beckham was drafted in as a guest judge on American Idol in place of Paula Abdul and Our sources say she received a £3 million pay deal for her services. In a secret interview which was leaked to Tatafo Today, Posh spice spoke about her amazing figure and when asked to break down her diet for the audience she replied "I take a deep breath every morning"

73 year old Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi has tipped Tony Blair for the EU presidency. In a letter to an Italian newspaper he said that he believed the former prime minister of England had the right credentials for the job and should get the job as soon as legally possible. Silvio Berlusconi has been rifled with several sex scandals varying from allegedly paying protitutes to have parties at his official residences to hiring escorts to have intercourse with him without the use of condoms. Members of the EU have not given an official statement concerning Berlusconi's support for Blair but we at Tatafo Today know that the EU will only consider Berlusconi's suggestion when Osama Bin Laden finally decides to make a rap video.


Statistics show that in Britain a mobile phone is stolen every 12 seconds. We asked Nokia for an official comment and they have assured owners of the 3310 that they have nothing to be worried about.

World footballer of the year Cristiano Ronaldo is currently sidelined due to an ankle injury on his right foot. The right winger cost Real Madrid £80 million and the club subsequently had his legs insured for £90 million. Tatafo Today has confirmed that Ronaldo's girlfriend is not happy with this arrangement because she is required to undertake 6 weeks traning before she is allowed to cuddle or caress her boyfriend and feels the 6 bodyguards which must be present whenever she is giving him a foot massage is an invasion of her privacy.

Thank you for joing us Ladies and Gentlemen, see you again next week. I'm Robert Scribbles signing out for Tatafo Today.

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Revelations of little insanities part 5

It's been a while since I did one of these, quite odd really considering the world has an endless supply of craziness. Anyway as usual these are observations that you shud not waste your time googling unless you take shit way too seriously and consequently may end up in the next installment of the series lol...enjoy!

The human race has been seen alot of technological advancements, for example we've put a man on d moon and are now bombing the heck out of it, we've moved from computers which were bigger than an Audi TT to Laptops and smart phones. It is quite ironic that after all these technological advancements we are still stuck with a very common and basic problem WHY THE HELL CAN'T WE UNDO TEXTS? As in it is mind boggling, we have call waiting which practically allows you to put one convo on hold and attend to another, we have 3G telephony which gives most of us (who aren't with shitty service providers) access to the greatness that is the internet on the miniscule screens of our phones, yet wen u send a text to the wrong number you can't undo it! Have u ever mistexted someone and just wished u could cover ur phone with a pot so the text wudn't get out? A few days ago I mistexted someone and cos of the extent to which I knew I had effed up I actually tried to catch the text in the air, I swear I thot I saw the text leave my phone nd float through the window! Is it too much to ask? I mean we have sattelites in space and bladeless fans, I doubt it'd be a big deal for someone, Samsung, Microsoft or T mobile, to simply allow us too 'ctrl z' a text even after sending it. Now I have to cook up a damn gud excuse 4 dat text...SHITE!

Dialling a wrong number seems to be the curse of the telecommunication. I can confidently say, without any statistical support, that you have dialled a wrong number at least 5 times in your life. You know d funny thing about it? You realise it's a wrong number about 10 seconds into the conversation, first of all the voice on d other end is definitely not the one you were expecting but you still proceed further into the convo, then u mention the name of the person you are trying to reach and the person on the other end gives you the reply that you knew deep down u were going to get. Some pple even argue oh! As in it's obvious it's a wrong number but u keep telling the person on d other end that u r sure you have d right number and you are sure that he or she is the person you are looking for when all d evidence presented to you so far proves that he or she is not. You know what's even funnier and crazier? some pple will end the call, stare at the numbers on the paper or on their screen like it's the number's fault and then dial it all again only to get the same voice on the other end, have the same conversation all over again and reach the same conclusion, IT'S A WRONG NUMBER!.

Apparently research has show that if you put a frog in a pot of hot water it will jump out immediately but if u put it in a pot of cold water and boil it the frog will stay in there completely oblivious to the increasing temperature and die...now isn't that exciting? That's a thrilling piece of information right there isn't it? Scientist have alot of time on their hands shey? WHO THE HELL AUTHORISES THIS SHIT? obviously the cure for cancer can wait and the discovery of alternative fuels can be pushed back a bit to make space for more importantt scientific research like trying to get a steriod hyped baboon to beat the guitar hero high score by playing the elctronic guitar with it's butt cheeks! Doesn't it bother them that something as common as a cold can't be sorted, that after years of medical breakthroughs there isn't a defined method of preventing, curing or eradicating the common cold? Next thing you'll see on Yahoo news is that Scientists in Russia are trying to figure out how many Chocomilos an agama lizard can swallow b4 it cocks it's head and chokes to death!

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Sire's threads

The house was quiet but for the humming of the washing machine. Odera was home alone once again and left with only his random thoughts for company. Odera sat by the bedroom window staring at the concrete clad street below, his eyes darted from pedestrains to passing cars but his mind had wandered far beyond the limits of his sight. He never complained about the boring afternoons he had to spend at home alone, moments like this gave him a chance to gather his thoughts and analyse various aspects of his life. However, today was different and his thoughts seemed unfamiliar to him. Seconds before he had realised he had not mused over school, work or the typical satirical ideas which swirled around in his mind but he had spent most of the hour thinking about women. He smiled sheepishly, relieved no one could hear or see his thoughts. He had been wading through the waters of memories bringing to mind the women who had made their way into his life. Some had come, made their mark and left while some still painted pictures which sometimes baffled him. Faces began to materialise in his mind accompanied with memories which drove Odera's mind further away from the busy street below and into his own thoughts which seemed more interesting than the changing traffic lights and endless stream of cars driving past. He stood up and made his way to the large double bed adjacent to the window, reminiscing was definitely not the best way to spend his afternoon alone but the urge to recall every sweet and bitter moment with each and everyone of these women was too good to pass up. The rumpled bed covers gave the bed a disheveled mien and the ruffled green duvet lay in a crumpled heap at the foot of the bed. For a split second he contemplated straightening out the sheets but the excitement building up in him would definitely not be patient enough to wait for the sanitary detour. He flipped his laptop open and despite the glaring sunlight beaming into the room through the glass window the luminescence from the screen was still bright enough to expose the rugged yet refined features of his face. He stared at the screen for a few seconds and a few clicks later a blank page stared back at him. Deep in his own thoughts he glanced towards the window once more then back at the blank page again and from the depths of his memories he began to type. He paused half way into his makeshift prologue, did he really want to do this? Was this really a good idea? Maybe he would tone it down a bit? Keep some details to himself and let only the generic gist be put into writting. Once again he glanced over to the window which was was now sporting little globules of water, an indication that London's crappy weather was about to live up to it's reputation once more. The excitement seemed to tone down a bit, was this really a risk or was he simply being overdramatic? The more questions he asked the more contradictory the answers became. He argued with himself while inadvertently clicking and double-clicking on his mouse and by the time his thoughts had given him leave to realise what he'd done the draft which held his unfinished manuscript had been replaced by the Twitter homepage. Odera knew that it would take a miracle for him to even decide to rewrite what he had just unintentionally absented from his screen and another sheepish smile drew itslef unto his face as he concluded that the website before him had made his decision for him. The faces he had conjured in his mind slowly faded away and the respective stories that had started to take form dissolved like cubes of sugar being spattered by the pouring rain outside. A slight shudder emanated beside Odera as his phone rang, he glanced at the screen, steadied himself, answered, and as the voice from the other end of the line engaged him in harmless banter the last traces of the compulation to detail his love life vanished.

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Feli Feli Issues S01E01

Welcome to Feli Feli Issues, I'm your host Royal Blogger and on this show our expert analysts analyse the hot topics in the world today giving us their expert opnions and insight. Today we have three guest analysts and they are Nigerian Politician, Religious Leader and Atheist Writer. Welcome everyone and todays topic is Swine Flu. what are your opinions?

Nigerian Politician: Bloody white pple, una too get wahala, always catching nonsense nonsense diseases, if it's not bird flu it's anthrax, if no be anthrax na swinne flu. Why can't you just close your mouths when you sneeze for crying out loud?

Religious Leader: Well there's really no need to start insulting people Nigerian Politician. I personally think swine flu is God's way of telling us the end is near.

Atheist Writer: Bullshit! If he was as omnipotent as u claim then why wud he need swine flu to inform us of the so-called 'end time' when he cud easily turn on the heavely public address system and announce that our time was up! afterall he is God right?

Religious Leader: Well I wudn't expect you to understand atheist, you do not believe in him and most definitely will not undersand the way he works

Atheist Writer: This is the same crap you feed your misguided followers and then pass a collection plate around so that u can afford to drive a BMW. If I had a penny for everytime I've heard 'God works in mysterious ways' you'd be living in a mansion in Venice cos you'd have collected it all under the guise of funding for a new building.

Nigerian Politician: Whether there is or isn't a God is absolutely inconsiquential to the severity of the matter at hand. The problem is that you devious oyibos have once again decided to throw the world into panic by concocting another preposterous disease just so you can tell us 'third world countries' that if we ever rose up against you you'd wipe us out with a handkerchief full of nasal mucus. You think you scare us? we have a saying where I come from, "Disease no dey kill black man"

Atheist Writer: Except AIDS, Malaria, Polio and Cholera...

Nigerian Politician: Sorry, wat was that?

Atheist Writer: Nothing...u were saying something about oyibos?

Religious Leader: This is not a rascist issue Mr. Nigerian Politician, this is a matter of penance or penalty. The Moral decay in the society has sent a bad scent to heaven and God has simply given us a sign that if we do not change our ways he will come down upon us with a fist of fury.

Atheist Writer: Well surely if he was omnipotent he wudn't need to climb down 4rm his thrown and come all d way down to dis insignificant morally decaying rock we call a planet nd slam his fist on our heads furiously. If he is all powerful he cud just snap his fingers and we'd all be dead...but he hasn't has he?

Religious Leader: Because he is merciful and hasn't given up on your soul dear friend. Swine Flu is simply a warning, a teaser of things to come. If I were you I'd get down on my knees and...

Atheist Writer: Hold it right there...u want me to do what? Get down on my knees? You'd like that wudn't you? All you clergymen disgust me!!

Nigerian Politician: You see what I'm talking about? We are here talking about Swine Flu and you two Oyibos are talking many nonsense there. Frankly we, the nigerian leaders, are putting together a task force to prevent the disease from reaching our shores and combating it if it does.

Religious Leader: Oh really, and how much has your government budgeted for this task force?

Nigerian Politician: Approximately N85b

Atheist Writer: and how much will you pocket from this amount?

Nigerian Politician: about N70b...sorry I meant to say none. All the money will be used to implement safety measures for my family sorry our people.

Atheist Writer: I don't know what annoys me more, the religious fascists who wants us to believe that a supreme being wants us all dead of the political leader who plans to siphon a countries budget into his his pocket. Swine Flu isn't a warning from God and it sure as hell isn't an avenue for politicians to embezzle money either. Get that into your thick skulls please!

Nigerian Politician: Wait oh! did he just insult me? Shey dis man dey craze, I swear I go chook you Microphone oh!

Religious Leader: Yes he did Nigerian politician. May God forgive you atheist. I only pray that your soul is not too damned for redemption and Good will touch you before the night is over

Nigerian Politician: God ke? Touch ko? This basterd insulted me and my family on TV, why involve God when we can handle this ourselves? cameraman please turn the camera off, presenter please unplug my mic...This Maga wan dey do anyhow 4 public. God no need to touch u tonight o! Na me go show u d light...BASTERD!

Due to Technical difficulties the broadcast of this program has been suspended. Please tune in next week as another group of 'excitable' analysts tackle another hot topic on the show. I'm Royal Blogger signing out for Feli Feli Issues

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Crap or Compos?

Crap or Compos? I came across this test while wandering round the internet. Wat do u think? it is a load of bullcrap or is there some sense to it?...I thot it was crap btw!


Crap or Compos? The kids in the UK are just so friggin dull, like it's all doom and gloom with them. The only time you can ever see a couple of teenagers simply chatting and laughing is when they are either talking about sex, taking drugs, drunk and absolutely blitzed, planning to shank(stab) someone
or doing all four at the same time. A friend of mine said that the problem is in the society as a whole and we should blame the suggestive movies, the violent video games and the explicit songs, isn't dat just a load of crap? aren't these movies, songs and video games the same ones youths in Naija come in contact with? It's not like David Banners 'Play' was censored for Nigerians or the movie Bruno had some scenes deleted for the african consumer. How can u blame the shooting of school kids on a computer game? or an increase in sexually active youths on a 50 cent music video? I went to school wiv a lot of pple who played video games and there was never an incident where I had to duck under a desk and jump through a glass window cos my classmate had opened fire on us in the middle of our social studies class. In Uni I had a friend who listened to a lot of hard rock and heavy metal but I was never worried that he'd snap one day and start stabbing his roomates, he was 3 playlists away from atheism but miles away from committing suicide...although he did like to cut himself...I shud probably give him a call...see if he's still alive...

Crap or Compos? A couple of days ago my Uncle asked me if I'd heard of a movie called District 9. Now I was shocked cos he never asks me about movies and all of us simply assume that when technology advanced 4rm VHS to DVD he was left behind in d aftermath. I told him I'd seen the movie and in my mind I already knew where the conversation was going. "Some of the pple in the office said it was rascist and nigerians were insulted, is that true?" he asks. Somewhere among the words I will type now was my answer...
Now when I saw District 9 I was tempted to scream foul play but after reconsideration I realised dat the only thing dat felt offensive was d fact that the name of dude in the wheelchair was Obansajo, it was slightest offensive to me but majorly it was hilarious. Apart 4rm dat I actually saw no real insult in the movie. I think pple just like to get worked up on neglible issues and chat shit just to stir up controversy, some pple just like to play the victim all d time cos they love to complain and send invites to their pity parties. Why are Nigerians making so much noise when the pple who shud be pissed are the South Africans, I hope I wasn't the only one who noticed the clever way the writers of the movie disguised South Africa's xenophobia issues under the veil of Aliens vs. Human movie cliches. That is basically what the movie is about and if you really want something to point at and scream racism to then turn to your neighbour and ask them why there isn't a black teletubby. If u feel slighted that we were potrayed as gangsters, arms dealers, scammers and practitioners of witchcraft then u obviously haven't read a Vanguard, Sun, Punch or This day newspaper in a while.

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Gist...

I've never been good at fasting! I think the whole aim of the fast has been accomplished sef. It was my attempt at reconnnecting with my blog and it worked. Oya everybody back to work, The Buju candidate is back and I have gist sha

LOL! Now this is purely gossip, some of you know Miss B, she runs Naija Daydreamer. You shud check it out, like seriously u shud, she's got a very elaborate imagination, definitely not up to mine but she tries to be aweosme like me lol. She's a really good writer plus an A+ friend of moi so check it out. Now that I've given my conscience an alibi to rely on I'll tell u d reason why I've mentioned dis babe. Miss B likes pets, goldfish to be precise. Now dis friend of mine cares for these fishes, she feeds dem, cleans their bowl nd all dat but they always sem to kick d bucket..or shud I say kick d bowl. We don't know whether she's d murderer or the fishes commit suicide but one sure thing is dat they always die. The last one's name was Boubou, Boubou lasted a year nd 3 months b4 he died of mysterious causes and we r yet to receive an officially report from the pet shop coroner. A few days ago I was wiv a mutual friend of moi nd Miss B wen she calls and announces dat she's just bought another goldfish...2 infact. Now ladies nd Gentlemen help me answer this question. If one fish keeps dying, wats d need of getting 2? Apparently Miss B assumes that wen one sees d other dying it'll call 911 or attempt CPR lol. She even told me that she wanted to name one of the fishes after me? isn't dat a threat on my life? We all know d fishes will kpai so naming one after me is a death threat in my book. I know you'll read this B which is why I warned you b4 I posted it, it's all Luv hun.

I was on d bus a few days ago and someone came and sat in front of me. She had a pair of tight jeans on with a sleeveless T-shirt and brown sunglasses. You know wat made things even more interesting? we had d stare game! Her sunglasses glared from the flourescent lighting in the bus but her eyes was still visible. At first wen I noticed she was staring it was weird, but a lil innocent staring never hurt anyone, plus d babe was fine so me sef no dull. She stared, I stared, she looked away, I stared, her phone rang, I looked away, she stared, I considered an inviting smile, she stared, my phone rang, I picked it, the bus stopped, she got off, I cursed in my head, this is to you Juiceegal, it's all your fault!!!!!!!!!!!

Some pple can think of some nonsense scams mehn. Okay there's this 'Magician', his name is Derren Brown. You can google the sucker after you've read this paragraph. So what did this man do? Some time last week he predicted the winning numbers for the National lottery. You know d only problem with his prediction? The maga predicted the numbers AFTER they had been drawn! Is it just me or is something simply wrong with this trick? How can u predict something that's already happened? Okay me sef be magician *places fingers on temples* I predict that the sun will shine tomorrow but only after the moon has shone tonight, I predict that someone will be first to comment on this post and it won't be me, I predict that by the end of dis week Paris Hilton wud have had sex. Who does dis Maga think he's deceiving? If na so magic be dem me sef na magician shey? Bullocks!

Why is it that all women have an arch enemy? I try not to generalise when I can but today, for this post, I will risk it. Why is it that women always have another woman who wants to 'destroy' them, or so they say. I ask this cos 1 in 3 women have at least one arch enemy who they are not speaking to because of reasons like gossip, hating, backstabbing, BF snatching, Husband kpanshing, Borrow-my-stuff-and-never-return, or best friend gone bad! (Scribbles institute of statistics, 2009). Even if a woman has a battalion of friends there is always one babe at least who she isn't speaking to and in d most extreme cases wants to pull out her extensions. You see, dat's why being a guy is sooo cool, when guys have beef we settle it there and then, anything that can't be settled then is either forgotten or sorted out over a friendly game of punch me I punch you. Wiv guys there's no 'eyeing' or pretence, if we no like each other we no like each other and the hating parties are aware of the mutual lack of liking. If there's beef we air it out and if it can't be sorted then everbody goes their way wiv either a miniscule amount of trouble or a traditional chooking of bottle...we r direct no? There are exceptions as always but compared with y'all girls I think dudes are less prone to hating than gurls. oya chop my head...

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Spoof ad #4

Do you have no skillz on d dancefloor? Do u Skank to RnB, break dance to classic music or/and slow dance to rock? Do u consider yourself a disgrace to the art of dancing? Do u want to change all of this? If you recognise the need for cohesive and rhythmic movment on the dancefloor but still move like an epileptic gorilla whenever you hear a tune then we have the solution for you. From the makers of Nutrablog and Virtual Mama 2000 comes a revolution that will change your life forever. Introducing...

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LANKO-TILL-U-WOUND was developed with the initial purpose of aiding paralytics regain locomotive skills and has since been reengineered by the hard working researchers and developers of BUJU CORP. to turn your disgraceful attempts at dancing to sublime feats of bumping, grinding, whinining, jerking, skanking, Lankoing, Alantaing etc.

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Terry the Mad man

I was supposed to be on a blog-fast till the 5th of Oct but screw dat lol. I've been looking through my drafts thinking of what to post but I believe the 2 day adventure I had between thursday(yesterday) and friday (today) was divinely designed to trump all drafts and make u laugh ur (effing) socks off. I don't know how long this post will be but I assure that after reading this ur boss, roommate, flatmate or whoever is in d vicinity will be looking for a straight jakced for you on ebay.

I just completed a 2 day training course for a job with London undergraound and during this course I met Terry and it was after this same course that I added another descriptive phrase to his name, "Mad man" Terry was our Trainer and form teh moment I walked into that class I knew shit was going to happen. Before he began the course he asked us all to write our names on d white plague place before us and introduce ourselves, one by one he asked us our names, age, occupation, our hobbies and if we drank or smoked. When he pointed at me I introudced myself, "Robert Scribbles, I'm 21 and a student studying Strategic Business IT and I like to draw and write, I don't drink and I don't smoke", he cocks his head and says "I think there are some pple who just make up names and say that's what they are studying in school, you say u don't drink and smoke? Do u do drugs?" I smile, "No I don't do drugs" "Well do u like women cos u've got to have some weakness?" "Yes I do like women Terry", "Took you long enuf to reply...u sure u don't like men?" I laugh it off and we finally start the class. During the class he starts talking about Underground tracks and how pple trip on the rails and get electrocuted. He asks if we've ever crossed live rail tracks, we all say yes, he turns to me and asks "Robert is it? Did u get an erection when u crossed d live rails?" I nearly fall of my chair but I still reply "No I didn't Terry" "Well dats gud son, at my age dats the only way we can get one of those anymore". He keeps talking and half way through the class he says "Have you ever gotten sooooo drunk, so fucking blitzed that you start to see Green gorillas under your bed? Oh sorry Robert you don't drink...mummy'll spank you if you did right?", at this point the whole class, including myself, have reaslised that for d duration of this course I will be dat guy who d teacher picks on constantly.

He goes on with the lecture and then he stops again and says "You guys are on this course to better yourselves, you want to make more money and have more responsibility right? You want to be like me, on my level? The thing is you only get to my level when after you're done giving the nasty to a woman she takes a deep breath and says "Ooooh thank you" for me it takes 3-4 hours but for you Robert I think 2-3 minutes" everyone bursts out laughing, even me, it's so funny that I spill coffee on d desk and this gives Terry another chance to hit me below d belt, "Oh look at that! Robert has just spilt coffee all over his lovely jacket, mummy's gonna be very cross with you son, we'll now call you Mr. A.P cos u are fucking accident prone son". He gives us a 15 minute break and I walk to d nearest shopping centre to check out books. I'm looking at books nd trying to pick one I'd like to read when I realise I've spent about 20mins in d store, "SHIT!!!" echoes through my mind nd I run out the store back to class, by the time I get there everyone's sitting nd taking notes, Terry turns to me and says "Where d fucking hell have you been?" "Sorry Terry, I was at the shopping centre and..." he cuts me off and retorts"Oh you were at the shopping centre were you? Looking at a couple of shoes and scarfs were we? forgot you were on a course today? well you are 15 mins late son and I am not going to repeat myself! Sit down!" He continues the class and goes on for about an hour without teasing me and just when I'm about to let my guard down he turns to me and says "What's your name again? Anthony? Gerald? Ringo?...Gladys? Well Gladys since you are a graduate you must be able to handle this simple math problem? If it takes us 20 seconds to walk from point A to point B and it takes the train 39 seconds to get from Point C to Point B, do u think we can get to point B before we are smashed by the train taking into account an additional 50% of our estimated time to the estimated time?" Now you know ur boy cannot dull so I answered him "Well it takes the train 39 seconds to get to point B nd if we add d additional 50% it'll take us a total of 30 seconds to get to point B. We can get to Point B b4 d train gets to our position". "Well aren't we bright nd sparky? Your not as thick as you look son" once again everyone burts into fits of laughter...including me. The class ends and just when I'm about to sneeak out he says "Ringo, you'll be in charge of class tomorrow, I'll want you to do a lil question and answer session b4 d final assessment, when do u want these fellas to be in class tomorrow?" I say 9am, he says 8am, we agree on 8:30am and I go home feeling tired and tormented.

It takes me an 1hr and 30mins to get to class from my house, we're supposed to be there at 8:30 but at 8:00am I was still in bed, my alarm didn't ring at 6am as it was supposed to cos d battery dies during d night and when I woke up and saw d static hands on d clock I knew sommething was wrong, I picked up my watch, saw that it was 8:17am nd screamed "SHHHHIIT" all d way to d bathroom. I got there at 9:30am nd as I walked into d class Terry glanced towards me nd said "WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN? WHERE IN D WORLD HAVE U BEEN? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN CHARGE TODAY AND YOU COME IN LATE? GOODNESS ME MAN YOU ARE AS THICK AS A BRICK AREN'T YOU?" I sha make my way to my seat nd handle d Q&A session with d fellas, he asks us to do a presentation on any topic we want, first guy talks about his days in d army, second guy talks about his job as an estate agent, third guy talks about his dyslexia (learning disorder), fourth guy was me and I talked about Football and how I'm crap at playing it in real life, My love for Man utd, My love for to writing and drawinng and the little caricature I did of Terry d day b4 which I didn't want anyone to see, Teryy seems interested in my presentation now and asks 4 d caricature, I tell him I left is at home "Well that's bloody useful isn't it? Are you dyslexic or are you just thick like that?" Once again d class is filled with laughter and I walked back to my seat smiling. He later finishes d lecture and tells us that the cut-off mark for the assessment is 80 out of 100, we take d test, I score 97 out of 100. and on d back of my sheet he writes:

"Robert, you are a cracking guy and I intentionally picked on you throughout this course to see how you handle yourself. Even though you need mentoring for this job I realised that you are a confident and enthusiastic young man and with yoru brains you'll do fine here."

I take my certificate nd as I leave d class he calls me, shakes my hand and says "It was a pleasure having you here, hope to see u again son. I like you, very good lad...now off u go with your fucking self"

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