Scribbles signing out for 2009...

2009 don end shaaaa! Like play like play 2009 is merely hours from ending and Sir Scribbles II has a wheelbarrow's worth of things to be thankful for in 2009. I think what I'm most thankful for is Blogsville, Una too much sha! I cnt even begin to detail how much I've been blessed by you guys I swear! From people I've met to lessons I've learnt, e too much to write for one post! Thanks...that's all I can say...Thank you! Anyways I just wanted to do a recap of stuff dat happened as the year was drawing to a close...enjoy peeps

Na the silent ones dangerous pass mehn! Who'd have thought Tiger Woods would be putting balls in different holes on and off the golf course? If Tiger could do it who am I? Oga was a role model to many and look how he just threw it all away in d laps of a woman..sorry...many women! I still can't believe oga had like 15 mistresses shaaaa! Well he just proved dat truely body no be wood, he simply took his tiger and decided to enter any and all woods he came across...Big ups to you Tiger! Let's see how u come back from this one.

Too many people died in 2009. I dnt want to talk too much on dis cos e go dull d mood but peeps shud please be careful next year cos we lost too many good folks in 2009. I don talk my own sha, in 2010 I'm going to be extra careful and very safety conscious because you never know where or when the Grim reaper go wan play expensive joke. In 2010 I go dey wear helmet butter bread sef.

He's probably the only terrorist who had to repeat playgroup in Suicide bombing school. I'm soooo tempted to go crazy in dis paragraph nd give u an overdose of quips on dis guy but na very serious issue so I'll behave myself. Mutallab messed up shaaaa! D guy fall naija hand on a global scale and even though naija does dat on a normal day I dnt think we need any assistance from terrorists whether d one's wey sabi explode or the one's wey no sabi. However, it does raise some very important questions don't you think? how did he get past the 'omniscient' entity that is Airport security? How did he smuggle a syringe past that uber cool xray machine thingy? Apparently oga's popsy reported him to the authorities and they didn't take him seriously, isn't dat just crazy? How can someone's popsy tell you that his son is a radical and might be a threat to the lives of others and you just file his name under 'Pikin of paranoid papa'? I tire sha, dis is one issue I think will have cause a chain reaction nd not d good kind. Make we dey watch as e dey happen.

I'm tired og yanning joh! Wishing all d lovely folks a wonderful year ahead and that goes out to all of you cos all of you are lovely. Just so this doesn't catch you unaware I might stop blogging...not confirmed yet but I'm thinking about it nd just thot I'd tell you. Happy New year peeps! PEACE OUT!

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Spoof Ad #5

Are you scared of humiliation? Do you hate awkwardness and loathe mortification? If you've answered yes to any of these questions then you know how it feels to be powerless when caught unaware in a less than admirable position. Man has always found a way to solve problems that have faced his society and has done remarkably well in eliminating or curbing the negative effects of such problems but some things just can't be solved, things like embarrassment! According to statitics, embarrassment is the world's most deadly consequence of awkward situatons (Statics unverified) and no one has ever thought to address this issue...until now! Scribble corp. has made another breakthrough discovery just like RAZZ-BE-GONE and VIRTUAL MAMA 2000. Ladies and Gentlemen I give you...

THE TRANSMUGULATOR

The name says it all, THE TRANSMUGULATOR is an anonymous and fast way to transfer a potentially embarrassing position from yourself to someone else making that unsuspecting receipient your Mugu. As is every Scribbles corp. product the Transmugulator is safe and easy to use but we'd rather you hear what a patron had to say about this wonderful product. Here's a testimony from a very staisified customer. (Names and places have been changed to protect the identity of this consumer)

"My name is Sandra Bamboye and I use to be the Vice Principal of Atutupoyoyo Grammar School. A friend of mine got me the Transmugulator as a birthday present and made me promise to carry it on me everyday, I didn't see the point then but I indulged her nontheless. During a PTA meeting a few weeks later I was delivering the term update to parents and teachers alike when I was suddenly arrested by a fart. This wasn't the silent twitch-your-butt cheek and release fart, this was the loud kind and I knew it was because when the fart got to the rim of my rectum the muscles in my waist contracted and I had to clench my butt cheeks to keep this monstrosity of a fart from escaping. Then I remembered the Transmugulator my friend got me, I reached into my pocket calmly, pictured the person I wanted to transfer the fart to in my mind and squeezed the Transmugulator. Instantly I felt relieved and almost immediately the Principal let out a resounding fart. Today, I am the Prinicipal of Atutupoyoyo Grammar School and I owe it all to the Transmugulator. I highly recommend this product to everyone and hope it blesses you as much as it blessed me"

Don't let embarrassment stop you from achieving your goals, Don't be a Mugu when someone else can be a Mugu for you. Place your order now and the first 10 customers to order will receive a priceless 'Marko Blake Parker Pen'. Don't let fate and luck run your life, seize control and never be a mugu again with the TRANSMUGULATOR!!!!!!!!!

THE TRANSMUGULATOR
Why be a Mugu when someone else can do it for you?

DISCLAIMER: Use of the Transmugulator is completely under Consumer discretion and Scribble corp. will not accept responsibility for transfers leading to loss of Life, Money or any other form of property especially over the internet. The Marko Blake Parker Pen comes without Ink. Minor Side effects like irregular bowel movement, tiny cranial fractures and cardio-jerks may be exprienced. Enjoy!

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My mum was a superhero

Anyways your favourite Igbo boy was revisiting his childhood a couple days back and if you aren't familiar with my antics as a child then I'll just give you a summary right now, I was a handful! If my popsy had gotten a receipt for me when I was born he'd have returned me at the age of 6! Ok I kid I kid but I was a nutter as a child. My curiousity sent me to places that only an ass whooping would keep me away from in the future. No points for guessing who dished out the regular whooping needed to keep me in line, Mama Scribbles! She was one of those Mums that as a child you could swear on your Power Rangers lunchbox that she had superpowers. As a growing pikin I believed my mum had three powers, Heat Vision, Superspeed and Telepathy and I'll tell you why.

Mumsy definitely had heat vision, that one na konfirmed gist! It manifested as microwaves that shot out of eyes and enveloped you in utter chatisement. My mumsy could glare at you from across the room and you'd immediately feel like your body was on fire, you'd start to twitch uncontrollably, you'd get sweaty and sometimes you'd just feel like the whole room was on fire! Sometimes she wouldn't even take up a cane and whoop me, all she needed to do was stare at me with her heat vision and I'd immediately feel like I was being flogged with a bamboo stick that'd been spiced with pepper and garnished with tough love. She still has the heat vision sha and it's even more powerful now cos she can send it all the way from naija and I'd feel it anyway in the world via sms, email or voicecall.

Mumsy had superspeed, her reflexes were amazing and if Spiderman thinks he's got skills cos he swings from buildings and somersaults off rooftops then he hasn't seen my mum take off a shoe, fling it as a door knob to lock the door, do a backflip and catch the shoe as it ricocheted back off the door and smack your 4yr old right ass cheek all before Terry G can say 'Free me now!' You know how you go shoping with your mum or dad in a supermarket and as they're pushing the shopping cart across the aisle you throw stuff into the cart? Well my mum made us understand that the only thing that should ever be in the shopping cart were things she put there herself. One day I tried to toss a can of Pringles into the cart and I can swear she caught it in mid-air cos the before I knew it she'd snatched it, whacked me on the head with it and placed it back on the shelf, it was a rebound even Kobe Bryant would envy. Till Today if I see Pringles in a supermarket I feel a subtle bump on my head.

Finally, mumsy was a telepath and for those of you who are running to google it simply means she could communicate with our minds without the use of speech, writing, signs or symbols. Sometimes you'll think you've beaten her and kept something from her only to be ambushed on your bed in the middle of the night and have a confession whooped out of you. When a crime was committed in the Scribbles household she always knew the culprit. Like the time someone broke the windshield of Dad's car, or the time someone left the tap on and flooded the bathroom, or the time someone singed the carpet with a pressing iron cos they'd left it on and gone to play football....if you haven't already guessed it the culprit was always me me me!

Ps: My Bday is 2moro, the 19th...it'll probably be a quiet one :)

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From my playlist...

If for any reason you read the previous post and thot to yourself "hmmm that's actually a possibilty' I'd like to have you as a roommate when I get my padded cell lol. Have you heard Charlie boy's new single? It's called 'Commercial waist' and as you may already guessed I have a comment on the tune hehehehe. Part of the chorus goes 'This one na commercial waist, this kin wasit no dey lacky o, na everything man dey find o...". Ok as usual I require you to keep an open mind here cosvour expert analysts here at The Royal Scribbles have concluded that Charlie boy deals in human parts lol. Let me prove it to you. According to Microsoft Encarta the term 'Commercial' relates to commerce which involves the buying and selling of goods and services. Now by attaching this term to a body part as Charlie boy has done as well as cross-referencing our findings with the release date of the video I can only conclude that this christman period Charlie boy will be doing a sale of female waists lol. Replace 'Commercial waist' in the chorus wiv another commodity, let's use 'Air force ones'. "This one na Air force ones, this kin Air force one no dey lack o, na everything man dey find o..." doesn't that sound like something a shop keeper will be screaming at you in alaba market? With these few points of mine I hope I have been able to convince and not confuse you that Charlie Boy will be handing out discount vouchers on thighs and armpits in the near future.

For those of you how are part of my wonderful Twitfam you will have noticed I have taken a certain liking to this mad man you see preceding this paragraph lol. He is mad shey? I KNOW! The man is a nutcase and his video 'Free madness' is more than a subtle sign of his craze! I think I knwo why he's so hyper, he brushes his teeth with Redbull or maybe he shampoos his hair with Suya pepper, or maybe as a child he was dropped on his head..onto a live wire. Wateva assumption you make about Terry G's behaviour it still points to the fact that the man is mental...but I DEY FEEL THE GUY JAMZ!!!!!!!!!!!! I won't lie to you sha, I've listened to that Free madness song loads of times...evevn listening to it now hehehehe lol.

Finally I'll talk about another favourite song of mine and it's a fav song not cos I like it but cos the lyrics crack me up big time. Sound Sultan's 'Bushmeat'. I'll go straight to the point with this one, the chorus goes "One day Bushmeat go catch the hunter (x3), catch the hunter. catch the hunter eeeee". I can't help but imagine driving from Abuja to Enugu and then just after 9th mile I see a the figure of a man hanging from a piece of rope and then Bushmeat standing beside him wiv a sign dat reads 'Freshly caught Hunter for sale'. Btw can someone please let me know when Jim Iyke finally figures out who he really is? from his song 'Who am I' I deduced he'd been struck with some degree of amnesia cos he called himself a street corner among other things lol. Maybe I shud help with his rehabilitation..."Jim, you are a tellytubby, but not just any tellytubby, you are a tellytubby who's a sex offender as well" lol I'm mean shey?

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The Bermuda Triangle

Have you heard of the Bermuda triangle? The Bermuda Triangle, also known as the Devil's Triangle, is a region in the western part of the North Atlantic ocean in which a number of aircraft and surface vessels are alleged to have mysteriously disappeared in a manner that cannot be explained by human error, piracy, equipment failure or natural disasters. Popular culture has attributed these disappearances to the paranormal, a suspension of the laws of physics, or activity by exraterrestrial beings. I have come to a very shocking yet insightful conclusion within the past few days and it explains a lot of things in my life. I have concluded that all the sock(s), pens, pencils, pencil sharpers, crayons, keys, coins, sim cards, remote controls that have ever vanished mysterioulsy in my life somehow found their way to the bermuda triangle. No laugh, dis na serious problem I swear! How many times have you wanted to go out and looked for a pair of socks only to find one sock? as if the other sock said "Omo dis job 'socks', I quit" lol. And I'm sure you have lost pens, pencils and sim cards b4 shey? You know what trips me? When I leave the house I know I dnt have a pen on me but when someone asks me for a pen outside I start to frisk myself like olokpa trying to find a pen I know I dnt have on me. Seriously think about it, where do all these items go? I believe there's a big container in the bermuda triangle labelled 'Property of Sir Scribbles II' and in that container you will find all my missing crayons 4rm primary 1-4, about 68 different single socks, 2 of my Econet (now zain) sim cards, 2 unused condoms and possibly my Gameboy advance. I just have one request for the Aliens who have been stealing my stuff and stashing it in the bermuda triangle, you can have the socks, take the Sim cards and keep the condoms, just give me back my Gameboy please....ok nd the condoms too lol.

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Sunday evening with Kate

It's sunday evening and I'm on my bed trying to get some work done when my sister calls me from the kitchen to tell me some of her friends are coming over. Now my sister's friends have dis common trait, some of them have this suggestive behaviour around me and to be honest I find it cute but sometimes it's a bit uncomfortable and that's because most of them are between the ages of 15-17 . It's normal for them to have all those fairytale crushes on an older guy even though I'm still a young broda but sometimes some of them take it a bit too far. The girls come over and I go downstairs to say hi, they all go into the kitchen and I decide to sit in the living room with my laptop. I'm sitting there listening to music and tweeting when one of the girls comes into the living room, she smiles, I smile back and she sits beside me trying to form all interested in what I'm doing. Now I have to give u a short back-story concerning me and this young lady, her name is Kate, she's 17, she has a sister who's 23, they are family friends, while back I flirted wiv her sister but it was perfectly harmless, just me being all charming and funny, I noticed Kate wasn't very excited about me flirting wiv her sis and she was kinda avoiding me throughout the rest of the day but I didn't read too much meaning into it cos I just thot we were all having fun. Anyway Kate was siting beside me now and I'm watching 'QI' on my laptop. She compliments my haircut, I thank her for the compliment and ask her if she went to church today, she said she was just coming from church and decided to just pop in to see me, "See me?" I say, "Dnt you mean see us?", she said seeing 'us' means the same thing cos it still involves seeing 'me', now I'm interested in what this young lady is putting on the table cos only a mugu will not sense that he's being flirted with at that very moment. Unconsciously, I had closed 'QI' on my laptop and started playing naija jamz, 'Plantain Boy' was playing now and she got up and started dancing in front of me. If it was an attempt to impress me it wasn't working, no be sey the babe no fine or she no get fine body (a fact I feel uneasy accepting), it just felt wrong cos we are family friends, harmless flirting is alright but if she was attempting to get me 'excited' then that wud just be wrong. If you dnt accpet that excuse then blame it on the song, 'Plantain Boy' is not a jam dat can get many boys 'excited'. She sits back down, I get up to switch on the TV in an attempt to divert attention, I'm standing infront of the TV flicking through channels and then she gets up, walks up to me and presses her boobs up against my arm. This isn't the first time she's done this, infact it's become her M.O. I didn't want to act all edgy cos her boobs were on my arm so I just stood there acting all calm, 'I like your glasses Robby, will you give them to me? she asks, " Well I know the glasses are hot but if you want them you'll have to join the queue cos a lot of my friends want them too", She smiles and says "Well if you give me the glasses I'll let you have something of mine free of charge". Now I wish I was one of those naive people who'd hear this sentence and think she's talking about some discount vouchers at NEXT or something but the only thing dat kept echoing in my head was 'SEX SEX SEX SEX'. Now I know things have gone too far, I know her popsy for crying out loud! Her brother is one of my best mates, My mumsy calls them all her children, if dis babe was thinking wat I think she ws thinking then wahala dey! Besides I dnt do underage, I hear the legal age of consent is 16, well you can go and tell Mr. Prime minister that mine's is 18 thank you!! My sister walks into the room and Kate immediately retracts her booobs 4rm my arm lol, Me I just dey behave like sey nothing happen sef lol. The other girls come into the living room too and announce that they might be leaving soon, I'm half-tempted to ask for Kate's number because I realised I'd never bothered to collect it prior to dis evening. However collecting her number wud mean I was interested in dis 'venture' she was proposing right? well I dnt need to add to d stress in my life so I decided not to ask for the number. The girls start filing out of the house, Kate is the last to leave and as she walked out into the night she turned and blew me a kiss which I dodged Matrix-style in my head. To be honest it was an interesting night but I doubt anything will happen between us, the wahala will be too much for me abeg! My phone beeped, it was a message from a number I didn't recognise, I opened it and couldn't help but laugh. It read:

"Maybe next time Robby...Kate xxx"

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disturbing...

"You be soldier boy, If you no carry helmet sun go beat you, if you no carry boot snake go bite you, if you no carry gun bullet go kill you.." M.I ft. SAS - Hustle rmx

So two posts in one day? not new is it? Anyways me get stuff to yan as usual so sit down, grab a pack of crisps and sip some juice while you enjoy...no choke sha!

Apparently some folks think I'm a bit mean cos in some of my posts I say less than admirable things about celebrities and famous folk in general. I was tempted to do one of two things, apologise for some of my quips or tell dem to sod off, I will do neither. What I will do is re-establish some already evident facts, Is it your blog? NO! Are you Sir Scribbles II? OFCOURSE NOT! Did I drag you kicking and screaming to come and read 'The Royal Scribbles'? NO I DIDN'T! So if you dnt like what you see here, if you have a problem with any word, sentence or paragraph, if your heart burns with anger and disgust at the sort of humour on display then you brought it upon yourself cos nobody beg you make you reach area. Infact...

Actress and former Playboy bunny Pamela Anderson will make her pantomime debut this Christmas in a production of Aladdin. The former baywatch star is going to be playing the part of the Genie and just like in her sex tape the audience will see how rubbing her lamp will make cum out. In other news, Statistics show that by the year 2015 the world's population will have increased by 20%, 2face please use a condom! Finally, a reliable source told The Sun newspaper that Amy Winehouse loves showing off her new boobs and wanted to get sexy underwear to make the most of them. I believe that when Miss Winehouse has a baby and takes up breast feeding it'd be advisable to label her boobs accordingly, 'Alchoholic and Non-alchoholic'. Now if you like dis paragraph u can liek to chew on a grenade...moving on!

I ran into a vile human being a few days ago and I swear to you this man was so vile that I was shocked to numbness. Now most black peeps in a white man's country will claim to have be a victim of one form of rascism or the other but to be honest I haven't really seen a direct, blatant rascist person since I stepped into this country...until a few days ago.
I was jejely sitting on the train oh, been out all day and was heading home tired and hungry as feck! Two dudes got on the train some stops after me and cos it was rush hour there were no empty seats so they had to stand. I'd had earphones in my ears throughout the journey and could hardly hear what anyone in the carriage was saying but I glanced towards one of the dudes who'd gotten on the train and the look on his face made me curious enuf to pause Trey Songs 'Yo side of the bed' (mad song btw) and eavesdrop. I remember his comments like they were words from our national anthem and this is exactly what we was muttering to his friend,

*Warning: What you are about to read contains strong language, reader discretion is advised*

"...fucking immigrants, wish they'd go back to their fucking countries. Look at them, all sitting there in our chairs acting like they own the fucking place, bunch of cunts if you ask me. They are all the same to me, cunts who take our jobs and pollute our streets. Yeah they work like hell but they breed like hell too. Bunch of Niggars, Pakis and Chinks all together in one train and I'm fucking on it! Wish I had a gun, shoot every last one of them I tell you, bang! bang! bang! Ethnic cleasing..I love it! Hitler was a man who knew how to deal with cunts, kill em all...dats the only way to get rid of them for good mate...kill em all".

My people I'd be lying to you if I told you I wasn't deeply disturbed by this man's presence on the train. To be honest I couldn't write everything he said cos it'd feel like I was tainting my blog wiv his words. There are still people like this in this world oh, dnt even dull urself thinking it's everyone is as sensible as you. These are the kind of people who's comments should be criticized, not the casual quips found on The Royal Scribbles. I've been thinking about that train ride ever since and the man's hateful expression as all these rascial slurs flew out of his mouth is ethced into my memory and will be there for a very long time unfortunately. I know I should have taken the bus I swear!

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Toilet Graffiti is the devil's way of saying waste ur brain!

There are some things in this life that I fail to comprehend properly, not like I'm supposed to understand everything but there are some little things that just elude my understanding and anytime I try to appreciate or at least grasp the motive behind these things I end up more confused than I was in the beginning. One of the things I can't seem to wrap my head around is toilet graffiti...I FRIGGIN HATE TOILET GRAFFITI!!!!!!!! I don't get why people write on the walls of a toilet to be honest. First of all I hate public toilets, I'd rather wear a diaper for the whole friggin day than do a number 1, 2 or even 3 in a public toilet but seeing as I have a reputation to think about I have to compromise when situatiosn become 'dire'. I was forced to compromise one day and take a leak in a public toilet, it was at a train station and I wasn't sure I had the 'bladderbility' to hold it till I got to my stop. Anways I was in the one of the stalls and it was one of those moments where you aren't really thinking straight until you are done taking a leak, after that u start to take in your surroundings and realise what's really going on around you. This toilet stall was marred with graffiti mehn, as in everywhere! There were so many drawings of private parts and sex positions that you could lose your virginity just from just touching the wall. Doodles about anything and everything were everywhere I tell you and someone even wrote down all the lyrics from a 2-pac song on the stall's door. Seriously ehn if I've never heard a 2-pac song before would the inside wall of a public toilet be the best place to advertise it to me? Now this is just baffling! How do people come up with this stuff please? how long does it take some people to shit that they get so bored that they have to entertain themselves by writting 2-pac songs on the wall? How nasty do you have to be to be thinking about sex when you're sitting on the porcelain thrown biko? Is it on some people's to-do list?
1. Buy milk,
2. Pick up laundry
3. Defac public toilet wiv drawings of male genitals.
It's really hard for me to get why someone would take out a pen, chalk, pencil or marker and start writting or drawing on the walls of a public toilet. Think about it for a second, a dude stands infront of a wall after doing his business and then says to himself:
"This wall looks rather bland, maybe I should entertain myself and the other innocent, unsuspecting patrons of this here stall by carving all the pet names I have for my johnson onto it, afterall I'm in a public toilet and bored out of my mind" Please can someone enlighten me on this issue?
Everytime I walk into a toilet and see graffiti on the walls I'm hit by a wave of bewilderment, to me it's just an exhibition of how bored, gross and irresponsible peeps can be to be honest. Don't even get me started on folks who throw gum on d streets or stick it under chairs...I go just vex fling laptop 4 wall!!!

btw if you haven't seen my birthday wishlist then hop on over to http://royalscribblesdeux.blogspot.com/2009/11/wish-list.html. For the lovely people interested in making this Igbo boy happy on the 19th of december you can mail me for delivery as well as other miscellaneous details at robbyscribbles@gmail.com.

I haven't done a spoof ad in a while you know?...Peace out peeps!!!!

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The Wish list

~THE WISHLIST '09~

So here it is, my birthday wishlist! My Birthday is on 19th of December and this is a list of things I'd love from anyone and possibly everyone planning on getting me a gift. I found it hard to narrow down some of my choices because I liked different styles or colours of an item in a category so I decided to give those of you who are interested options to choose from. You know I don't have wahala and as expected this isn't obligatory, the list doesn't mean a card of a text won't be appreciated.

~Hawes and Curtis Shirt~

I love Hawes and Curtis, they do the most alluring shirts I've seen so far. Here are a couple I'm partial to and they're arranged in order of decending preference. Just by looking at the colours and patterns I'm sure you've deduced that I have a thing for striped brightly coloured shirts :)

~Diesel: Fuel for life and/or Hugo Boss Ambre Baldessarini~

I'd love to get a a bottle of any one of these colognes. I've used tons of colognes in my short life and any one of these two would be absolutely awesome. Is it too much to ask for 75ml and above? well that's up to you really but like I said I'd love any one of them.

~Fred Perry Track Top~

They look good right? yes I know! Once again anyone of these would be perfect, I kinda like the red one better but blue stripes on the black one keep stalling my decision on which one I'd prefer. I'll let you decide. My size in these should be Extra large (XL), can be found at JD.

~Royal Republiq 'Be Open Eagle' leather belt~

I like the belt and it's as simple as that! I think it's because of the buckle, don't know really. Can be found at equip.com

~Fred Perry and/or Nanny State Plimsoll Shoes~

Sir Scribbles loves plimsoll shoes and Fred Perry and Nanny State know how to make konfirmed Plimsoll shoes mehn. Once again anyone of these would be awesome. I'm usually a size 46/12 but it'd be safer to go with a 47/13. I know shey? my feet are massive lol. Can be found at Asos.com and JD

So that's my birthday wish list for the 19th of December 2009. You see? I told you I wasn't fussy :). Any questions don't hesitate to ask. Peace out!

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Scribbles says

*WARNING: The following post may offend some readers*

The following are 12 wise sayings from the Sagacious Sir Scribbles, read it, absorb it and live it. Don't be dismayed if you do not understand some of them though, understanding will come with time.

Scribbles says..

A Man with big head has a lot on his mind

A Man who plays the cookie jar song at his wedding is giving his wife a heads up

A Man with big feet is always one step ahead.

Just because a Calabar man called you a bitch doesn't make him a Cannibal

When a hausaman says "I want to poke you" on Facebook it's best to read between the lines

A Woman who buries her head in laps likes to help men get 'ahead'

The coward lives to point out the grave of the brave man.

Sex is technological, Men like software and women like hardware

If your Papa is a half-cast and your Mama is a half-cast it doesn't make you one full Oyibo

A Man who cheats on his wife with her twin is stuck in a deja vu

Childbirth and abortion are like the two sides of a glass door, one side needs you to push while the other needs to be pulled.

Pre-marital sex is like meat in jollof rice, if u eat it first there's nothing to look forward to at the end of the meal

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Oya collect your usual medicine.....

Una don dey craze shey? seriously wat the hell is going on? fight fight fight everywhere! Why is there so much beef going around ehn? pple are taking swipes at each other, calling each other names, being hateful and spiteful like it's a normal thing. I tire 4 una oh, there use to be a time wen we'd all laugh, say what we wanted and still be friends after the last full stop. I tire 4 una drama oh, I thot it wasn't getting to me but lately I can't even blog right cos of all d wahala everywhere. It's no longer fun to blog u know, everyone is so cautious, so critical, so uptight now and frankly it's pissing me off. I cnt even read 3 posts wivout coming across a discourteous reference to another blogger. How? wen dis one happen biko? wen we start to dey craze like dis? It's not cool at all! Isn't there enuf drama in our lives already? do we really need to turn blogsville into a living soap opera? Anyways dat one na 4 una pocket sha cos Sir Scribbles' is resuming activties like sey nothing dey happen!

Ladies and Gentlemen my birthday don dey come *gen gen* hehehe! You shud have been expecting this since naw, 4rm Januray till now I haven't said anything about a birthday so obvioulsy it's around d corner. I'm thinking of making a wishlist but it's dat kind of thing dat makes ur friends avoid you till d following year lol. Frankly I dnt do lists cos I think it puts pple who care in awkward positions and takes d whole fun of gifting giving out of a birthday. However, my friend got 2 iphones 4rm 'platonic' friends so I'm looking to invest in dis list making market. WAAAAAAAAAIIT!! Una don dey run shey? dnt worry I dnt want an iphone joh! Not to make too much mouth but I'm a very satisfied young man so wat do u think? list or no list? well I guess the more appropriate question to ask wud be publish the list or not? I have already drafted the it and by just looking at it I know that even the people who care will revolt. If I do publish the list I expect to see a small placared weilding mob gathered on my lawn chanting something like "Hell no! Scribbles list must go!"

I heard Nkem Owoh aka Osuofia was kidnapped lol. I don't know why I find that so frigging funny I swear! I also heard the kidnappers made a ransom demand of N15m LOL! Abeg who is going to pay that amount of money for Nkem Owoh? I'm not saying he's not worth it oh, what I'm asking is who's going to pay it? I'm expecting some of his usual movie co-stars to stand up and be counted, Sam Loco where are you? John Okafor aka Mr. Ibu pay dis ransom, Patience Ozokwor aka Mama Gee show us how much of a mama u are biko! Come to think of it this kidnapping business is a way of measuring how famous you are you know. I forsee a future where if ur an A-list celeb and you haven't been kidnap you'll get demoted to the B-kist and if you still dnt attract kidnappers you get a further demotion. Actors go dey vex sey dem neva kidnap dem, muscians will be hustling to be kidnapped lol. You can trust Timaya to mention it in one of his tracks naw, "My name na Timaya ransomed cos I'm handsome dey strike like a thunder dey blow like a bazooka" LMAO!

I watched a CNN backstory segment about the Mafia in Italy a while back. The reporter was very enthusiastic and I was really interested in the story especially since it involved the mafia. The reporter focused on a particular town and how the mafia had the inhabitants in a chokehold. He said they were forced to pay protection money to the ruling mafia and the amount of extortion going on there was unbelievable. Now you'd think doing a story on the mafia in a mafia controlled town wudn't be risky enuf for this reporter right? well like I said he was very enthusiastic and this man wanted to really capture the essence of a mafia controlled town. He said he wanted to see if he cud get one of the shop owners on a street to confess that he paid protection money to the mafia, LMAO! Dats just mad shey? Now I'm no mafia boss and most of my mafia knwoledge was acquired courtesy of Grand theft auto but I believe getting someone to confess they pay protection money to the mafia on international televisiosn isn't really a smart thign to do, kinda like signing ur death warrant on a global scale. You know this reporter actually walked up to a man in a store and told the man he was on CNN and asked if he paid protection money, Omo u for see d man face naw, I swear he cudn't believe that was wat he was being asked on camera. The reporter was indirectly trying to get the poor man killed. The man didn't even answer the reporter, he just went into his store muttering something under his breath in italian. My Italian is a bit rusty seeing as I dnt speak the language but common sense tells me that what that man said was "Fecking maga! Be like sey bomb dey your papa head"

Do you know M.I? I love M.I, Mr incrdible is a genius and one of d most lyrically sound artists of in naija but something always gets to me wen I hear his rhymes. Now those of you who listen to M.I will know that in his lyrics he likes to declare that he is Nigerian and proud, infact he usually says he's a black boy nd he's proud. Now I just think dats stating d obvious, is there really need to reinform us about the colour of your skin M.I.? have u seen M.I? dat broda is blacker than charcoal with a sun tan. He keeps repeating he's black like sey we dey follow am argue. Is there a debate going on somewhere about M.I's complexion? who is d maga dat thinks M.I is a halfcast or mixed race or even oyibo sef? That's like saying Fela never smoked weed or Chris brown pays attention to all those warnings at the beginning of wrestling shows that say "Don't try this at home"

I love blogsville you know, I really can't elaborate what I've learned and experienced cos of the people here and it's soo no cool seeing all this spite and strife. I don talk my own sha!

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Uncles in the house!

I wanted to post the concluding part of my last post but that will have to be pushed back for now because I have more important gist. I remember telling you guys that my baby cousin's first birthday was coming up, on the 7th of November to be precise. I have to settle down to give y'all the gist so make I start.
We started planning this party like a month ago, my uncle is a confirmed party monger and he wanted it to be massive. By friday the 6th the house was filled with crates and cartons of drinks, trays and coolers of food and we'd managed to re-arrange the whole house to give peeps enough space to display their kolo. As usual the league of extraordinary Uncle's was invited and the plan was to have the kids party at 6pm in a rented hall, end it by 7pm so the adults would have time to get to the house for the house party at 8pm. Trust Naija peeps now, invitation said party starts at 8pm shey? 8:45 the house was still empty, 9pm only one person had shown up. 9:15pm the house was full, some stereotypes just can't be disproved lol. 9:30pm peeps were just chilling, feeling the athmosphere, mostly sober and having lucid conversations. I had 3 cameras on me, a bit too much u say? You'd think it was because of some cliched motive like wanting to capture the memorable moments on the occasion right? Well you'd be partially right if you thought so but my other reason was absolute mischief hehehehe! U think sey I go dull b4? My Uncles were all going to be under the same roof, there'd be loud music and enough drinks and food to humble the strongest of men, wacky and hilarious things wud happen, I was certain of it and wanted to be the first on the scene, cameras flashing and laughing my ass off. Trust my uncles naw, they didn't disappoint!

It was the usual house party athmosphere, music, chatter, slurping and munching. At about 11pm all the people who had stuff to do the next day like church or work started leaving and by 12am my Uncles began to display. Now the funny thing about all this is the fact that they were all tipsy but if you didn't know them you wouldn't have guessed it. I'll just give you a quick run through of some of the things that happened. My Uncles started a dance competition between themselves but there was no skanking, jerking or breakdancing oh, it was confirmed Igbo steps mehn. At a point one of dem took off his jacket and lay flat on d floor while another danced around him. Since I was fuly equipped for the situation there was no shortage of camera flashes and that led to one Uncle dubbing me paparazzi for the night. That same Uncle asked me why I wasn't drinking anything, another Uncle told him I don't drink, he looked confused and asked me to reaffirm, I told him I really didn't drink and that's when they he decided to finish me! Apparently a few months back he'd seen me hugging a girl at the train station but he had never said anything...until tonight. "See dis man oh, u talk sey u no dey drink but I see you 4 ilford 2 months back with one girl like dat. Una just dey hug like sey una wan swallow urselves. I dey fear you oh Scribbles! I think sey u be holy-holy b4 but afta dat day I start to dey salute you!" My mouth fell open, another Uncle turned and asked if it was true, I didn't answer, all the others rounded on me and by the time they were done teasing and joshing me I was so red in the face that if I stood on the street cars would stop in front of me. But u trust me now, I had my revenge a few hours later.

4am, the only people left in the house were my uncles, my baby cousins were in bed, mumsy and my little sister were crashing and I was already nodding off in the siting room. I'd already exhasted two 2GB memory cards but the 3rd would hold the most satisying information of the day beacause in addition to containing videos of my uncles dancing and hollering like sey dem dey mad, I caught one of my uncle's, the one who started teasing me, trying to smuggle the last bottle of courvoisier into his car. I swear it was hilarious and what heightened the hilarity was the fact that it was caught on camera. I would have let him take the bottle because we're all family but the man refused to pay for my silence. Abeg no judge me joh, the man even owes me £30 for fixing his laptop and he's been dodging me ever since I gave it back to him. I knew I should have taken a deposit first. Anyway I told him to pay only £10 for my silence if he wanted to leave with the courvoisier but he was being stubborn and even played the "we are family" card. Omo I no gree oh, the bottle is in the kitchen now and it's not my fault, uncle was just being cheap abeg because technically I was telling him to pay 10 quid for a bottle of courvoisier. I'm still going to collect my 30 quid from him, maybe I'll use the picture to threaten him.

Everything that happened could never match up to what happened the following day. We'd been cleaning the house for a while and I decided to take a break. I sat in the living room watching TV, my baby cousin was crawling towards me, stopped half-way, gripped the edge of a table and started walking fo the first time. I was ecstatic! I screamed for eveyone to come see and everybody came to the living room. I stood her up, took a few steps back and she walked towards me again. My aunt screamed, my mum screamed, my sister screamed, my uncle was fronting but I knew he wanted to scream. The reason why we were all excited was simply because the pikin no wan walk before. we'd been trying to get her to walk but she just like crawling. I was so happy because it broght back memories. The last baby that walked infront of me for the first time was my lil brother and even after he's begged me to stop telling the story I still can't get the image out of my head. My baby cousin can only walk in a straight line though and when she walks it's like an impersonation onf Klint the drunk but she can sha move without being on all fours. Before that day I was scared that in a decade I'd have a 10yr old cousin who still crawled lol.

In summary it was a wonderful weekend and only reached an anticlimax today when we found out london bus drivers were on strike. Thank goodness I'm not going anywhere today, my sister was livid because she had to take a cab to school and will probably take one back home too. Mumsy leaves on tuesday so at least I'll have my privacy back even if it's just for a month. Peace, love and prosperity to y'all. We go jam l8r.

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The Division (concluded)

If you read the last post then you already know what the deal is, my pal Richie is in a bit of a dilemna because he's dating a white girl and his mum isn't happy with the idea. I was always accused of negligence because I let my friend fall into teh hands of a white girl. Now this wasn't what bothered me abouut the whole issue, what bothered me was the way Richie's mum and uncle analysed the whole thing. I decided to quote two comments from the previous post not because I felt they were the most accurate or important but because they were actually related to teh analysis I wanted to give in this concluding post.

First off is Neo's comment and I believe it was a very concise way of explaining why interracial relationships received tons of raised eyebrows. Rascism has affected a lot of things in our society and mindsets have either been modelled or remodelled based on it. The reason why Richie's mum and uncle are so critical of is relationship with the girl is simply because when they were Richie's age the thought of even associating with a white person cordially was precareious. The disposition of the 'old folk' towards interracial associations has been passed down through generations and that's the reason why some people in this modern time still see a these sort of associations as finite and unserious. The modern mind always tries to criticse the folk who frown on interracial relationships but sometimes we forget that their idealogies are modelled based on experiences they had and situations they've been in which in most cases they couldn't control. An old black man will tell his son not to marry a white woman simply because he's seen it lead to disaster before and he'll be absolutely justified. Also a friend will tell you that it's cool to date someone from another race simply because in this day and age the line between races and cultures has been blurred to insignificance, also justifiable.

The second and final comment is Lady X's becasue it gives insight into the issue of racial division and ethic preferences. After analysing the incident at the wedding you'd be pretty close to concluding that Richie's mum and uncle were rascist right? Now consider this, there's a possibility that rather than racism being the root of their idealogy it's stereotyping. In my opinion stereotyping is an infant form of rascism along with other types of prejudice and one can only become prejudiced concerning issues like this after reaching a climax in stereotyping. They said a white woman will just use Richie and dump him, same way they might say a Hausa woman will not be able to make eba the way he wants it or a yoruba woman will put too much oil in his stew. When it comes to stereotyping, experiences lead to opinions which gain doggedness as the effects of the experiences seep deeper into one's being. In the end the most dogged opinions give birth to stereotyped dispostions. The message here is similar to the previous paragraph, their mindsets may be questionable but their experiences cannot be disregarded.

In conclusion, I didn't talk to Richie about his white girlfriend because I didn't see the need to do so. If he's doing it for the right reasons then who are we to judge? If he's got less than admirable intentions then that's between him and his 'girlfriend'. We can't deny that most interracial relationships are met with raised eyebrows and stereotyping will always play a role in the analysis of such relations but consider this and correct me if I'm wrong; genuine interracial relationships require a lot of understanding, patience, compromise and confidence. People who consider getting involved in them must ask themselves if they are ready to exude all these traits constantly because the society, as modern as you may think it is, will never let an opportunity to test them all go unused.

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The Division

This is a post that's like 3 months old but the subject matter is as fresh as bread out of an oven. I'll give you a run-through of the incident that prompted it all and if you haven't already realised it this is going to be one of those moments where Sir Scribbles isn't as comical as customary.

The sister of a friend of mine was getting married. I'm really close to the family especially the last-born, Richard, nd we are basically like brothers. I didn't go for the church wedding and since I skipped that I ended up running into Richie for the first time that day at the reception which was when he told me was he'd brought his 'current' girlfriend to the wedding. Prior to today I had no idea Richie was even in the process of dating someone seeing as he is a womanizer of immense proportions and the news left me curious and excited. However, when I asked him how the church wedding went he told me he had left the church rather annoyed because, in his words, "They want me to be like them". Later the bride's mum who's a close friend of my mum arrived and after we exchanged greetings her and my mum went into a little room to talk. 30 minutes later my mum reappears, pulls me gently to a corner of the room where we wouldn't be overhead and tells me that Richie's mum is worried because he's dating a white girl and can't understand why I would let that happen seeing as we are close friends. Now remember I hadn't even known Richie had a girlfriend till that very day and her race was definitely still unknown to me but being accused of 'negligence' wasn't even what bothered me. The next person to talk to me was Richie's 80-something year old looking uncle and the man gave me a long speech on how white women lure black men into marriages, wreck their lives and then divorce them leaving the men useless and distraught. I was attentive throughout the whole speech because I found it rather intriguing but not for the reasons Richie's uncle would have preferred. What really intrigued me was the concluding part of the speech, he likened interracial marriages to slavery and said that no matter how much 'love' interracial couples think they have it can't overcome the western individual's tendecy to consider the black man as a slave, this was the sentence that intrigued me the most. I had already started to feel uncomfortable seeing as it was my best friend who was the subject matter of the 'interesting' discussion and after I informed them that I hadn't even known Richie had a girlfriend till that very day I assured his mum and uncle that I'd have a word with Richie as soon as possible and find out the reason behind his decision to date a white girl. However, I had no intentions of doing anything of the sort.

to be continued...

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Make I gist you...

It's been a while since I gave you pple solid Sir Scribble gist shey? Don't mind me mehn, Tatafo Today wan scatter my head lol. It's like I opened a can of worms wiv dat post cos now I can't watch the news or read a newspaper without interpreteing it satirically lol. It's all gud sha, I sha get gist 4 una. Everyone in this house don dey disturb me about woman, some are merely curious while some are demanding that I get a girlfriend lol. The thing is I've lost d zeal to chase women. Women too dey give headache nd I really don't want to be spending travelcard money on Paracetamol. One of these days I'll gist you guys bout my very complicated nd boring love life but for now just know that I, Sir Scribbles, am on strike. It's rather sad to say this but I have only been meeting 'long' women lately and it has taken its toll on me so the strike is appropriate. However, d flirting department is still functional *wink wink* lol

My aunt thinks I'm gay! The woman has been looking at me one kin' these days and a few weeks back she just cornered me in d kitchen and accused me of being gay! In her own words, "Why don't u ever bring girls home? you hardly go out and even when you do go out we don't know where u go or who u go to see. Your phone never rings and even when it does ring it's either ur mother or your sister. You know u can tell me these things, I was young too you know? I know all these things." Abeg can u see d trap this woman is setting for me? so she don dey trail me shey? I'm now living with a CIA agent oooo! she wants me to start bringing girls back home so dat she can report to Scribble HQ and give Mama Scribbles high BP? No Thank you! The last time I told my Aunt bout a girl I liked she used it to blackmail me for three months! The day I bring a girl into this house is the day Muhammed Ali dances yahoozee lol

My Baby cousin's birthday party is in a couple of days and I manged to get a sample of the jamz the DJ will be playing on dat day. I swear I wanted to smack d dude on d head, if dats wat d man was planning on playing I shud bury his head in a turntable! I think I'm just going to burn some CDs and give him to mix and play cos if I even hear one chorus 4rm any of the jams on those CDs of his I'll flip. You'd think he'd go 4 naija jamz at least but no, d man was planning on playing Barbie Girl nd Mr Bombastic, wat kind of mixed CD is dat biko? Maybe I shud start looking 4 another DJ? it's either dat or I'll just be d DJ dat day.

I've started looking for graduate jobs oh! I'm so happy I know wat I want to do with my life. It took a while for me to figure it out but I know what I've decided to is definitely what I'm going to be happy doing. Sir Scribbles is a business Analyst in the making and this is an official reaching-out-to-those-with-the-experience paragraph. Abeg this young, energetic, confident and hardworking lad is definitely going to be a nuclear business analysts so I dey beg una ehn, anyone with advice nd tips on graduate jobs for business analysts shud just holla at a broda robbyscribbles@gmail.com. If you be fine girl you can include your number with the email but that's not compulsory lol. Seriously though, I'll finish my postgraduates in June '10 and have already started scouting for jobs but if you've got advice either about the Business Analyst career or about jobs in dat area no fear to holla k. Thanks a million.

I was kinda sleepy wen typing this so bear wiv me. I'll give y'all some more cohesive gist later k. peace out

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Tatafo Today 2

Thank you for joining us once again on Tatafo Today, your trusted and verifed source for the latest and stale news with a slight twist. Today's headlines...

A disney movie titled 'Blindness' has recently received serious critisicm from filmwatchers. The movie centres around the events transpiring after a viral breaout take saway people's sight. The most enraged members of the community seem to be the blind and they claim the movie potrays them as vile and incompetent. The movie has been labeled filthy, vicious and depraved by many members of the blind community and they have threatened to employ austere measures to ensure the movie is boycotted . In an offical press conference,Tatafo Today asked the community's spokespoken, Mr One-eyed McMan, one simple question: "Which member of the blind community saw the movie?"

A few months back video game giant CAPCOM released another installment of the Resident Evil Series titled Resident Evil 5. The game gives players control of a caucasian protagonist and puts them in a fictional african town overrun wiv native zombies and sees players slay numeorus native zombies to achieve certain goals. The game has been reviewed and criticized by members of the community with people claiming the game habours subtle rascist allusions beacuse the protagonist is caucasian and he is slaying african zombies. Our reporters her at Tatafo Today are doing our best to keep you up to date on the situation but we are still unable to contact an African Zombie for an official statement

Fu Bingli has recently proven that he has the world's strongest fingers. The Kung Fu master has been practicing Kung Fu for 32 years since the age of seven and in a show of amazing strength Fu Bingli was able to stand upside down supporting himself on just one index finger before topping this feat by completing 12 press ups on just one finger on his right hand. The Kung Fu master is very optimistic about his chances of getting into the Guniess world record books and seemed very enthusiastic when talking to Tatafo Today. A few moments ago we confirmed that the night before, Fu Bingli's wife had been rushed to the emergency room with a suspected damaged Cervix.

Katie price, recently divorced, star of a sextape and rumoured girlfriend of a porn star has just been shortisted for the mother of the year award. Our analysts and pundits here at Tatafo Today have given us their expert opinion and believe the probability of Katie winning the award are as high as Obama featuring on MTv Cribs.

And that's it from us here at Tatafo Today, we hope to see you again next time on the show. Goodbye!

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Tatafo Today!

Good evening, My name is Robert Scribbles and this is Tatafo today bringing you the world's latest and stale news with a twist. Before we begin we'd like to observe a minute silence for the Premeir league teams Liverpool and Chelsea as once again they have shown that anyone foolish enough opposes Manchester United will be put to sleep by teams of lesser standard and managers with smaller bellies. Now the world's Tatafo....

Singer Leona Lewis was attacked at the book signing for her new autobiography in Piccadilly, London. The attacker screamed the words 'I love you' before punching Miss Lewis in the face. In his defence, the attacker's lawyer claims his client was simply trying to show his appreciation for Miss Lewis's work and he was innocent because he had been misled by Miss Lewis to believe that she bled love. In another press conference Mikey Mouse announced that he too would be launching an autobiography, his exact words were "What could she possibly have seen in life that I haven't"

Victoria Beckham was drafted in as a guest judge on American Idol in place of Paula Abdul and Our sources say she received a £3 million pay deal for her services. In a secret interview which was leaked to Tatafo Today, Posh spice spoke about her amazing figure and when asked to break down her diet for the audience she replied "I take a deep breath every morning"

73 year old Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi has tipped Tony Blair for the EU presidency. In a letter to an Italian newspaper he said that he believed the former prime minister of England had the right credentials for the job and should get the job as soon as legally possible. Silvio Berlusconi has been rifled with several sex scandals varying from allegedly paying protitutes to have parties at his official residences to hiring escorts to have intercourse with him without the use of condoms. Members of the EU have not given an official statement concerning Berlusconi's support for Blair but we at Tatafo Today know that the EU will only consider Berlusconi's suggestion when Osama Bin Laden finally decides to make a rap video.


Statistics show that in Britain a mobile phone is stolen every 12 seconds. We asked Nokia for an official comment and they have assured owners of the 3310 that they have nothing to be worried about.

World footballer of the year Cristiano Ronaldo is currently sidelined due to an ankle injury on his right foot. The right winger cost Real Madrid £80 million and the club subsequently had his legs insured for £90 million. Tatafo Today has confirmed that Ronaldo's girlfriend is not happy with this arrangement because she is required to undertake 6 weeks traning before she is allowed to cuddle or caress her boyfriend and feels the 6 bodyguards which must be present whenever she is giving him a foot massage is an invasion of her privacy.

Thank you for joing us Ladies and Gentlemen, see you again next week. I'm Robert Scribbles signing out for Tatafo Today.

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Revelations of little insanities part 5

It's been a while since I did one of these, quite odd really considering the world has an endless supply of craziness. Anyway as usual these are observations that you shud not waste your time googling unless you take shit way too seriously and consequently may end up in the next installment of the series lol...enjoy!

The human race has been seen alot of technological advancements, for example we've put a man on d moon and are now bombing the heck out of it, we've moved from computers which were bigger than an Audi TT to Laptops and smart phones. It is quite ironic that after all these technological advancements we are still stuck with a very common and basic problem WHY THE HELL CAN'T WE UNDO TEXTS? As in it is mind boggling, we have call waiting which practically allows you to put one convo on hold and attend to another, we have 3G telephony which gives most of us (who aren't with shitty service providers) access to the greatness that is the internet on the miniscule screens of our phones, yet wen u send a text to the wrong number you can't undo it! Have u ever mistexted someone and just wished u could cover ur phone with a pot so the text wudn't get out? A few days ago I mistexted someone and cos of the extent to which I knew I had effed up I actually tried to catch the text in the air, I swear I thot I saw the text leave my phone nd float through the window! Is it too much to ask? I mean we have sattelites in space and bladeless fans, I doubt it'd be a big deal for someone, Samsung, Microsoft or T mobile, to simply allow us too 'ctrl z' a text even after sending it. Now I have to cook up a damn gud excuse 4 dat text...SHITE!

Dialling a wrong number seems to be the curse of the telecommunication. I can confidently say, without any statistical support, that you have dialled a wrong number at least 5 times in your life. You know d funny thing about it? You realise it's a wrong number about 10 seconds into the conversation, first of all the voice on d other end is definitely not the one you were expecting but you still proceed further into the convo, then u mention the name of the person you are trying to reach and the person on the other end gives you the reply that you knew deep down u were going to get. Some pple even argue oh! As in it's obvious it's a wrong number but u keep telling the person on d other end that u r sure you have d right number and you are sure that he or she is the person you are looking for when all d evidence presented to you so far proves that he or she is not. You know what's even funnier and crazier? some pple will end the call, stare at the numbers on the paper or on their screen like it's the number's fault and then dial it all again only to get the same voice on the other end, have the same conversation all over again and reach the same conclusion, IT'S A WRONG NUMBER!.

Apparently research has show that if you put a frog in a pot of hot water it will jump out immediately but if u put it in a pot of cold water and boil it the frog will stay in there completely oblivious to the increasing temperature and die...now isn't that exciting? That's a thrilling piece of information right there isn't it? Scientist have alot of time on their hands shey? WHO THE HELL AUTHORISES THIS SHIT? obviously the cure for cancer can wait and the discovery of alternative fuels can be pushed back a bit to make space for more importantt scientific research like trying to get a steriod hyped baboon to beat the guitar hero high score by playing the elctronic guitar with it's butt cheeks! Doesn't it bother them that something as common as a cold can't be sorted, that after years of medical breakthroughs there isn't a defined method of preventing, curing or eradicating the common cold? Next thing you'll see on Yahoo news is that Scientists in Russia are trying to figure out how many Chocomilos an agama lizard can swallow b4 it cocks it's head and chokes to death!

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Sire's threads

The house was quiet but for the humming of the washing machine. Odera was home alone once again and left with only his random thoughts for company. Odera sat by the bedroom window staring at the concrete clad street below, his eyes darted from pedestrains to passing cars but his mind had wandered far beyond the limits of his sight. He never complained about the boring afternoons he had to spend at home alone, moments like this gave him a chance to gather his thoughts and analyse various aspects of his life. However, today was different and his thoughts seemed unfamiliar to him. Seconds before he had realised he had not mused over school, work or the typical satirical ideas which swirled around in his mind but he had spent most of the hour thinking about women. He smiled sheepishly, relieved no one could hear or see his thoughts. He had been wading through the waters of memories bringing to mind the women who had made their way into his life. Some had come, made their mark and left while some still painted pictures which sometimes baffled him. Faces began to materialise in his mind accompanied with memories which drove Odera's mind further away from the busy street below and into his own thoughts which seemed more interesting than the changing traffic lights and endless stream of cars driving past. He stood up and made his way to the large double bed adjacent to the window, reminiscing was definitely not the best way to spend his afternoon alone but the urge to recall every sweet and bitter moment with each and everyone of these women was too good to pass up. The rumpled bed covers gave the bed a disheveled mien and the ruffled green duvet lay in a crumpled heap at the foot of the bed. For a split second he contemplated straightening out the sheets but the excitement building up in him would definitely not be patient enough to wait for the sanitary detour. He flipped his laptop open and despite the glaring sunlight beaming into the room through the glass window the luminescence from the screen was still bright enough to expose the rugged yet refined features of his face. He stared at the screen for a few seconds and a few clicks later a blank page stared back at him. Deep in his own thoughts he glanced towards the window once more then back at the blank page again and from the depths of his memories he began to type. He paused half way into his makeshift prologue, did he really want to do this? Was this really a good idea? Maybe he would tone it down a bit? Keep some details to himself and let only the generic gist be put into writting. Once again he glanced over to the window which was was now sporting little globules of water, an indication that London's crappy weather was about to live up to it's reputation once more. The excitement seemed to tone down a bit, was this really a risk or was he simply being overdramatic? The more questions he asked the more contradictory the answers became. He argued with himself while inadvertently clicking and double-clicking on his mouse and by the time his thoughts had given him leave to realise what he'd done the draft which held his unfinished manuscript had been replaced by the Twitter homepage. Odera knew that it would take a miracle for him to even decide to rewrite what he had just unintentionally absented from his screen and another sheepish smile drew itslef unto his face as he concluded that the website before him had made his decision for him. The faces he had conjured in his mind slowly faded away and the respective stories that had started to take form dissolved like cubes of sugar being spattered by the pouring rain outside. A slight shudder emanated beside Odera as his phone rang, he glanced at the screen, steadied himself, answered, and as the voice from the other end of the line engaged him in harmless banter the last traces of the compulation to detail his love life vanished.

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Feli Feli Issues S01E01

Welcome to Feli Feli Issues, I'm your host Royal Blogger and on this show our expert analysts analyse the hot topics in the world today giving us their expert opnions and insight. Today we have three guest analysts and they are Nigerian Politician, Religious Leader and Atheist Writer. Welcome everyone and todays topic is Swine Flu. what are your opinions?

Nigerian Politician: Bloody white pple, una too get wahala, always catching nonsense nonsense diseases, if it's not bird flu it's anthrax, if no be anthrax na swinne flu. Why can't you just close your mouths when you sneeze for crying out loud?

Religious Leader: Well there's really no need to start insulting people Nigerian Politician. I personally think swine flu is God's way of telling us the end is near.

Atheist Writer: Bullshit! If he was as omnipotent as u claim then why wud he need swine flu to inform us of the so-called 'end time' when he cud easily turn on the heavely public address system and announce that our time was up! afterall he is God right?

Religious Leader: Well I wudn't expect you to understand atheist, you do not believe in him and most definitely will not undersand the way he works

Atheist Writer: This is the same crap you feed your misguided followers and then pass a collection plate around so that u can afford to drive a BMW. If I had a penny for everytime I've heard 'God works in mysterious ways' you'd be living in a mansion in Venice cos you'd have collected it all under the guise of funding for a new building.

Nigerian Politician: Whether there is or isn't a God is absolutely inconsiquential to the severity of the matter at hand. The problem is that you devious oyibos have once again decided to throw the world into panic by concocting another preposterous disease just so you can tell us 'third world countries' that if we ever rose up against you you'd wipe us out with a handkerchief full of nasal mucus. You think you scare us? we have a saying where I come from, "Disease no dey kill black man"

Atheist Writer: Except AIDS, Malaria, Polio and Cholera...

Nigerian Politician: Sorry, wat was that?

Atheist Writer: Nothing...u were saying something about oyibos?

Religious Leader: This is not a rascist issue Mr. Nigerian Politician, this is a matter of penance or penalty. The Moral decay in the society has sent a bad scent to heaven and God has simply given us a sign that if we do not change our ways he will come down upon us with a fist of fury.

Atheist Writer: Well surely if he was omnipotent he wudn't need to climb down 4rm his thrown and come all d way down to dis insignificant morally decaying rock we call a planet nd slam his fist on our heads furiously. If he is all powerful he cud just snap his fingers and we'd all be dead...but he hasn't has he?

Religious Leader: Because he is merciful and hasn't given up on your soul dear friend. Swine Flu is simply a warning, a teaser of things to come. If I were you I'd get down on my knees and...

Atheist Writer: Hold it right there...u want me to do what? Get down on my knees? You'd like that wudn't you? All you clergymen disgust me!!

Nigerian Politician: You see what I'm talking about? We are here talking about Swine Flu and you two Oyibos are talking many nonsense there. Frankly we, the nigerian leaders, are putting together a task force to prevent the disease from reaching our shores and combating it if it does.

Religious Leader: Oh really, and how much has your government budgeted for this task force?

Nigerian Politician: Approximately N85b

Atheist Writer: and how much will you pocket from this amount?

Nigerian Politician: about N70b...sorry I meant to say none. All the money will be used to implement safety measures for my family sorry our people.

Atheist Writer: I don't know what annoys me more, the religious fascists who wants us to believe that a supreme being wants us all dead of the political leader who plans to siphon a countries budget into his his pocket. Swine Flu isn't a warning from God and it sure as hell isn't an avenue for politicians to embezzle money either. Get that into your thick skulls please!

Nigerian Politician: Wait oh! did he just insult me? Shey dis man dey craze, I swear I go chook you Microphone oh!

Religious Leader: Yes he did Nigerian politician. May God forgive you atheist. I only pray that your soul is not too damned for redemption and Good will touch you before the night is over

Nigerian Politician: God ke? Touch ko? This basterd insulted me and my family on TV, why involve God when we can handle this ourselves? cameraman please turn the camera off, presenter please unplug my mic...This Maga wan dey do anyhow 4 public. God no need to touch u tonight o! Na me go show u d light...BASTERD!

Due to Technical difficulties the broadcast of this program has been suspended. Please tune in next week as another group of 'excitable' analysts tackle another hot topic on the show. I'm Royal Blogger signing out for Feli Feli Issues

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Crap or Compos?

Crap or Compos? I came across this test while wandering round the internet. Wat do u think? it is a load of bullcrap or is there some sense to it?...I thot it was crap btw!


Crap or Compos? The kids in the UK are just so friggin dull, like it's all doom and gloom with them. The only time you can ever see a couple of teenagers simply chatting and laughing is when they are either talking about sex, taking drugs, drunk and absolutely blitzed, planning to shank(stab) someone
or doing all four at the same time. A friend of mine said that the problem is in the society as a whole and we should blame the suggestive movies, the violent video games and the explicit songs, isn't dat just a load of crap? aren't these movies, songs and video games the same ones youths in Naija come in contact with? It's not like David Banners 'Play' was censored for Nigerians or the movie Bruno had some scenes deleted for the african consumer. How can u blame the shooting of school kids on a computer game? or an increase in sexually active youths on a 50 cent music video? I went to school wiv a lot of pple who played video games and there was never an incident where I had to duck under a desk and jump through a glass window cos my classmate had opened fire on us in the middle of our social studies class. In Uni I had a friend who listened to a lot of hard rock and heavy metal but I was never worried that he'd snap one day and start stabbing his roomates, he was 3 playlists away from atheism but miles away from committing suicide...although he did like to cut himself...I shud probably give him a call...see if he's still alive...

Crap or Compos? A couple of days ago my Uncle asked me if I'd heard of a movie called District 9. Now I was shocked cos he never asks me about movies and all of us simply assume that when technology advanced 4rm VHS to DVD he was left behind in d aftermath. I told him I'd seen the movie and in my mind I already knew where the conversation was going. "Some of the pple in the office said it was rascist and nigerians were insulted, is that true?" he asks. Somewhere among the words I will type now was my answer...
Now when I saw District 9 I was tempted to scream foul play but after reconsideration I realised dat the only thing dat felt offensive was d fact that the name of dude in the wheelchair was Obansajo, it was slightest offensive to me but majorly it was hilarious. Apart 4rm dat I actually saw no real insult in the movie. I think pple just like to get worked up on neglible issues and chat shit just to stir up controversy, some pple just like to play the victim all d time cos they love to complain and send invites to their pity parties. Why are Nigerians making so much noise when the pple who shud be pissed are the South Africans, I hope I wasn't the only one who noticed the clever way the writers of the movie disguised South Africa's xenophobia issues under the veil of Aliens vs. Human movie cliches. That is basically what the movie is about and if you really want something to point at and scream racism to then turn to your neighbour and ask them why there isn't a black teletubby. If u feel slighted that we were potrayed as gangsters, arms dealers, scammers and practitioners of witchcraft then u obviously haven't read a Vanguard, Sun, Punch or This day newspaper in a while.

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Gist...

I've never been good at fasting! I think the whole aim of the fast has been accomplished sef. It was my attempt at reconnnecting with my blog and it worked. Oya everybody back to work, The Buju candidate is back and I have gist sha

LOL! Now this is purely gossip, some of you know Miss B, she runs Naija Daydreamer. You shud check it out, like seriously u shud, she's got a very elaborate imagination, definitely not up to mine but she tries to be aweosme like me lol. She's a really good writer plus an A+ friend of moi so check it out. Now that I've given my conscience an alibi to rely on I'll tell u d reason why I've mentioned dis babe. Miss B likes pets, goldfish to be precise. Now dis friend of mine cares for these fishes, she feeds dem, cleans their bowl nd all dat but they always sem to kick d bucket..or shud I say kick d bowl. We don't know whether she's d murderer or the fishes commit suicide but one sure thing is dat they always die. The last one's name was Boubou, Boubou lasted a year nd 3 months b4 he died of mysterious causes and we r yet to receive an officially report from the pet shop coroner. A few days ago I was wiv a mutual friend of moi nd Miss B wen she calls and announces dat she's just bought another goldfish...2 infact. Now ladies nd Gentlemen help me answer this question. If one fish keeps dying, wats d need of getting 2? Apparently Miss B assumes that wen one sees d other dying it'll call 911 or attempt CPR lol. She even told me that she wanted to name one of the fishes after me? isn't dat a threat on my life? We all know d fishes will kpai so naming one after me is a death threat in my book. I know you'll read this B which is why I warned you b4 I posted it, it's all Luv hun.

I was on d bus a few days ago and someone came and sat in front of me. She had a pair of tight jeans on with a sleeveless T-shirt and brown sunglasses. You know wat made things even more interesting? we had d stare game! Her sunglasses glared from the flourescent lighting in the bus but her eyes was still visible. At first wen I noticed she was staring it was weird, but a lil innocent staring never hurt anyone, plus d babe was fine so me sef no dull. She stared, I stared, she looked away, I stared, her phone rang, I looked away, she stared, I considered an inviting smile, she stared, my phone rang, I picked it, the bus stopped, she got off, I cursed in my head, this is to you Juiceegal, it's all your fault!!!!!!!!!!!

Some pple can think of some nonsense scams mehn. Okay there's this 'Magician', his name is Derren Brown. You can google the sucker after you've read this paragraph. So what did this man do? Some time last week he predicted the winning numbers for the National lottery. You know d only problem with his prediction? The maga predicted the numbers AFTER they had been drawn! Is it just me or is something simply wrong with this trick? How can u predict something that's already happened? Okay me sef be magician *places fingers on temples* I predict that the sun will shine tomorrow but only after the moon has shone tonight, I predict that someone will be first to comment on this post and it won't be me, I predict that by the end of dis week Paris Hilton wud have had sex. Who does dis Maga think he's deceiving? If na so magic be dem me sef na magician shey? Bullocks!

Why is it that all women have an arch enemy? I try not to generalise when I can but today, for this post, I will risk it. Why is it that women always have another woman who wants to 'destroy' them, or so they say. I ask this cos 1 in 3 women have at least one arch enemy who they are not speaking to because of reasons like gossip, hating, backstabbing, BF snatching, Husband kpanshing, Borrow-my-stuff-and-never-return, or best friend gone bad! (Scribbles institute of statistics, 2009). Even if a woman has a battalion of friends there is always one babe at least who she isn't speaking to and in d most extreme cases wants to pull out her extensions. You see, dat's why being a guy is sooo cool, when guys have beef we settle it there and then, anything that can't be settled then is either forgotten or sorted out over a friendly game of punch me I punch you. Wiv guys there's no 'eyeing' or pretence, if we no like each other we no like each other and the hating parties are aware of the mutual lack of liking. If there's beef we air it out and if it can't be sorted then everbody goes their way wiv either a miniscule amount of trouble or a traditional chooking of bottle...we r direct no? There are exceptions as always but compared with y'all girls I think dudes are less prone to hating than gurls. oya chop my head...

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