Gist...

I've never been good at fasting! I think the whole aim of the fast has been accomplished sef. It was my attempt at reconnnecting with my blog and it worked. Oya everybody back to work, The Buju candidate is back and I have gist sha

LOL! Now this is purely gossip, some of you know Miss B, she runs Naija Daydreamer. You shud check it out, like seriously u shud, she's got a very elaborate imagination, definitely not up to mine but she tries to be aweosme like me lol. She's a really good writer plus an A+ friend of moi so check it out. Now that I've given my conscience an alibi to rely on I'll tell u d reason why I've mentioned dis babe. Miss B likes pets, goldfish to be precise. Now dis friend of mine cares for these fishes, she feeds dem, cleans their bowl nd all dat but they always sem to kick d bucket..or shud I say kick d bowl. We don't know whether she's d murderer or the fishes commit suicide but one sure thing is dat they always die. The last one's name was Boubou, Boubou lasted a year nd 3 months b4 he died of mysterious causes and we r yet to receive an officially report from the pet shop coroner. A few days ago I was wiv a mutual friend of moi nd Miss B wen she calls and announces dat she's just bought another goldfish...2 infact. Now ladies nd Gentlemen help me answer this question. If one fish keeps dying, wats d need of getting 2? Apparently Miss B assumes that wen one sees d other dying it'll call 911 or attempt CPR lol. She even told me that she wanted to name one of the fishes after me? isn't dat a threat on my life? We all know d fishes will kpai so naming one after me is a death threat in my book. I know you'll read this B which is why I warned you b4 I posted it, it's all Luv hun.

I was on d bus a few days ago and someone came and sat in front of me. She had a pair of tight jeans on with a sleeveless T-shirt and brown sunglasses. You know wat made things even more interesting? we had d stare game! Her sunglasses glared from the flourescent lighting in the bus but her eyes was still visible. At first wen I noticed she was staring it was weird, but a lil innocent staring never hurt anyone, plus d babe was fine so me sef no dull. She stared, I stared, she looked away, I stared, her phone rang, I looked away, she stared, I considered an inviting smile, she stared, my phone rang, I picked it, the bus stopped, she got off, I cursed in my head, this is to you Juiceegal, it's all your fault!!!!!!!!!!!

Some pple can think of some nonsense scams mehn. Okay there's this 'Magician', his name is Derren Brown. You can google the sucker after you've read this paragraph. So what did this man do? Some time last week he predicted the winning numbers for the National lottery. You know d only problem with his prediction? The maga predicted the numbers AFTER they had been drawn! Is it just me or is something simply wrong with this trick? How can u predict something that's already happened? Okay me sef be magician *places fingers on temples* I predict that the sun will shine tomorrow but only after the moon has shone tonight, I predict that someone will be first to comment on this post and it won't be me, I predict that by the end of dis week Paris Hilton wud have had sex. Who does dis Maga think he's deceiving? If na so magic be dem me sef na magician shey? Bullocks!

Why is it that all women have an arch enemy? I try not to generalise when I can but today, for this post, I will risk it. Why is it that women always have another woman who wants to 'destroy' them, or so they say. I ask this cos 1 in 3 women have at least one arch enemy who they are not speaking to because of reasons like gossip, hating, backstabbing, BF snatching, Husband kpanshing, Borrow-my-stuff-and-never-return, or best friend gone bad! (Scribbles institute of statistics, 2009). Even if a woman has a battalion of friends there is always one babe at least who she isn't speaking to and in d most extreme cases wants to pull out her extensions. You see, dat's why being a guy is sooo cool, when guys have beef we settle it there and then, anything that can't be settled then is either forgotten or sorted out over a friendly game of punch me I punch you. Wiv guys there's no 'eyeing' or pretence, if we no like each other we no like each other and the hating parties are aware of the mutual lack of liking. If there's beef we air it out and if it can't be sorted then everbody goes their way wiv either a miniscule amount of trouble or a traditional chooking of bottle...we r direct no? There are exceptions as always but compared with y'all girls I think dudes are less prone to hating than gurls. oya chop my head...

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Spoof ad #4

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Terry the Mad man

I was supposed to be on a blog-fast till the 5th of Oct but screw dat lol. I've been looking through my drafts thinking of what to post but I believe the 2 day adventure I had between thursday(yesterday) and friday (today) was divinely designed to trump all drafts and make u laugh ur (effing) socks off. I don't know how long this post will be but I assure that after reading this ur boss, roommate, flatmate or whoever is in d vicinity will be looking for a straight jakced for you on ebay.

I just completed a 2 day training course for a job with London undergraound and during this course I met Terry and it was after this same course that I added another descriptive phrase to his name, "Mad man" Terry was our Trainer and form teh moment I walked into that class I knew shit was going to happen. Before he began the course he asked us all to write our names on d white plague place before us and introduce ourselves, one by one he asked us our names, age, occupation, our hobbies and if we drank or smoked. When he pointed at me I introudced myself, "Robert Scribbles, I'm 21 and a student studying Strategic Business IT and I like to draw and write, I don't drink and I don't smoke", he cocks his head and says "I think there are some pple who just make up names and say that's what they are studying in school, you say u don't drink and smoke? Do u do drugs?" I smile, "No I don't do drugs" "Well do u like women cos u've got to have some weakness?" "Yes I do like women Terry", "Took you long enuf to reply...u sure u don't like men?" I laugh it off and we finally start the class. During the class he starts talking about Underground tracks and how pple trip on the rails and get electrocuted. He asks if we've ever crossed live rail tracks, we all say yes, he turns to me and asks "Robert is it? Did u get an erection when u crossed d live rails?" I nearly fall of my chair but I still reply "No I didn't Terry" "Well dats gud son, at my age dats the only way we can get one of those anymore". He keeps talking and half way through the class he says "Have you ever gotten sooooo drunk, so fucking blitzed that you start to see Green gorillas under your bed? Oh sorry Robert you don't drink...mummy'll spank you if you did right?", at this point the whole class, including myself, have reaslised that for d duration of this course I will be dat guy who d teacher picks on constantly.

He goes on with the lecture and then he stops again and says "You guys are on this course to better yourselves, you want to make more money and have more responsibility right? You want to be like me, on my level? The thing is you only get to my level when after you're done giving the nasty to a woman she takes a deep breath and says "Ooooh thank you" for me it takes 3-4 hours but for you Robert I think 2-3 minutes" everyone bursts out laughing, even me, it's so funny that I spill coffee on d desk and this gives Terry another chance to hit me below d belt, "Oh look at that! Robert has just spilt coffee all over his lovely jacket, mummy's gonna be very cross with you son, we'll now call you Mr. A.P cos u are fucking accident prone son". He gives us a 15 minute break and I walk to d nearest shopping centre to check out books. I'm looking at books nd trying to pick one I'd like to read when I realise I've spent about 20mins in d store, "SHIT!!!" echoes through my mind nd I run out the store back to class, by the time I get there everyone's sitting nd taking notes, Terry turns to me and says "Where d fucking hell have you been?" "Sorry Terry, I was at the shopping centre and..." he cuts me off and retorts"Oh you were at the shopping centre were you? Looking at a couple of shoes and scarfs were we? forgot you were on a course today? well you are 15 mins late son and I am not going to repeat myself! Sit down!" He continues the class and goes on for about an hour without teasing me and just when I'm about to let my guard down he turns to me and says "What's your name again? Anthony? Gerald? Ringo?...Gladys? Well Gladys since you are a graduate you must be able to handle this simple math problem? If it takes us 20 seconds to walk from point A to point B and it takes the train 39 seconds to get from Point C to Point B, do u think we can get to point B before we are smashed by the train taking into account an additional 50% of our estimated time to the estimated time?" Now you know ur boy cannot dull so I answered him "Well it takes the train 39 seconds to get to point B nd if we add d additional 50% it'll take us a total of 30 seconds to get to point B. We can get to Point B b4 d train gets to our position". "Well aren't we bright nd sparky? Your not as thick as you look son" once again everyone burts into fits of laughter...including me. The class ends and just when I'm about to sneeak out he says "Ringo, you'll be in charge of class tomorrow, I'll want you to do a lil question and answer session b4 d final assessment, when do u want these fellas to be in class tomorrow?" I say 9am, he says 8am, we agree on 8:30am and I go home feeling tired and tormented.

It takes me an 1hr and 30mins to get to class from my house, we're supposed to be there at 8:30 but at 8:00am I was still in bed, my alarm didn't ring at 6am as it was supposed to cos d battery dies during d night and when I woke up and saw d static hands on d clock I knew sommething was wrong, I picked up my watch, saw that it was 8:17am nd screamed "SHHHHIIT" all d way to d bathroom. I got there at 9:30am nd as I walked into d class Terry glanced towards me nd said "WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN? WHERE IN D WORLD HAVE U BEEN? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN CHARGE TODAY AND YOU COME IN LATE? GOODNESS ME MAN YOU ARE AS THICK AS A BRICK AREN'T YOU?" I sha make my way to my seat nd handle d Q&A session with d fellas, he asks us to do a presentation on any topic we want, first guy talks about his days in d army, second guy talks about his job as an estate agent, third guy talks about his dyslexia (learning disorder), fourth guy was me and I talked about Football and how I'm crap at playing it in real life, My love for Man utd, My love for to writing and drawinng and the little caricature I did of Terry d day b4 which I didn't want anyone to see, Teryy seems interested in my presentation now and asks 4 d caricature, I tell him I left is at home "Well that's bloody useful isn't it? Are you dyslexic or are you just thick like that?" Once again d class is filled with laughter and I walked back to my seat smiling. He later finishes d lecture and tells us that the cut-off mark for the assessment is 80 out of 100, we take d test, I score 97 out of 100. and on d back of my sheet he writes:

"Robert, you are a cracking guy and I intentionally picked on you throughout this course to see how you handle yourself. Even though you need mentoring for this job I realised that you are a confident and enthusiastic young man and with yoru brains you'll do fine here."

I take my certificate nd as I leave d class he calls me, shakes my hand and says "It was a pleasure having you here, hope to see u again son. I like you, very good lad...now off u go with your fucking self"

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My penance

So I haven't been a good blogger PERIOD! I don't read, I don't comment and I don't even post anymore. Blame it on addictive social networking sites and impulsive social networking in real-life. I humbly seek ur forgiveness blogsville and to show that I'm a changed man I will go on a blog-fast. I will not blog for seven days and I'll use these seven days to ransack every update and post I haven't read yet! It's a long thing but notin dey happen! Shey una forgive me shey?

Next Update: 5th october 2009.

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A whole week?!!!

I haven't blogged in a week....dat is just wrong...what is happening to me? You know what the problem is? TWITTER!!! Lord help us all, Twitter is....some addictive sh*t! I swear I have woken up everyday after joining simply wanted to tweet. You see you can never understand the magnitude of Twitter until u join, you'll never know how engaging it is until you follow someone and then someone else follows you and then you end up following 145 pple and 178 are following you and you can't think straight. You think it's just a glorified version of FB's status updates? YES it is and it packs alot of glory mehn. I apologe for not reaching these endz all this while, I apologise for not commenting on my fav blogs and updating mine as well, I apologise for going AWOL altogether but trust me Twitter is d bomdigidi!!!

I was in d barbershop getting a haircut last week, it's a unisex salon so there were some women in d salon getting their hair done as well. There was a TV there and Ricki Lake was on at the time. They were talking about women who wanted to get platic surgery and as u can already imagine a major part of the show settled on breast augmentation. As you can imagine my attention was divided, on one hand I wanted to hear and see what these women had against their own boobs and on the other hand I had to keep my head still so that the Barber wudn't slice my head open with his clipper. As the show went on teh women in teh salon began to argue and I must confess that I was more irritated than interested. You'd think that hearing women talk about their boobs wud interst me but not these women oh, they managed to turn one of the most cherished appendages of a woman into a friggin science experiment. One woman, who looks like she's in her late 40's, stood up, grabbed her flappy boobs and measured it with another women's! It was hilarious and irritating I tell you. You know d problem? I cudn't leave, cos I was getting a haircut and didn't want to be seen around town looking like Mr T from The A-Team. I sat there for 30 minutes as they compared and contrasted Bra sizes, screamed at some of the women on the TV who they thot didn't need plastic surgery and concluded in unison that men shud be blamed for it all. I left that barbershop feeling abused and violated by these women.

Funniest thing happened a few days ago. Okay my Uncle was in d storage room a few days back and saw a mouse, we were sha vexed dat a mouse cud get into d storage room so I bought a mouse trap and set it at the door of the store leaving it slightly ajar. Two days later I'm in d living room, my baby cousin, 2, is runnign around d house and runs out of the living room screaming in a language I will never understand. Anyway I'm sitting there, alone in d sitting room when I hear a 'SNAP' outside d room, next thing my cousin runs into the room screaming and waddling. I ask her what teh problem is but the kid is too shaken to reply and onlfy after a while did i notice dat there was a mousetrap on one of her toes. I actaullay laughed for about ten seconds b4 taking it off. Now she must know how Jerry feels whenever Tom catches him in one of those things hehe. Thank goodness it was this oyibo type mousetrap and not those ones in naija with the jagged mouth dat look like they've been designed to catch Ojuju calaba.

Have you ever thought about the phrase 'Funny as hell'. It always makes me wonder I tell you. If we were to analyse the etymology of this word our findings wud be really bizzare if not disturbing. We shall therefore assume that a comedian journeyed to the depths of hades just to bring us this phrase. He probably did a show for all d minions of evil and just to show their appreciation they branded his jokes 'Funny as hell'. I mean the origin of this phrase is in the words itself...FUNNY AS HELL!!!

Okay I'm off to Twitter...been sitting here for about 20 minutes and bodi don dey scratch me so see u soon...I hope

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YOU GO FEAR NAW!!!

My baby cousin is going to have a first birthday soon and guess what my Aunt and Uncle had decided to do? They want me to be the MC at the party, YOU GO FEAR NAW!! I am still tryin to figure out if it's a priviledge they want to give me or a crafty way of saving money cos they know I'll do it for free. The only issue is I've never MCed b4 and don't even know what I'm supposed to do. Abeg blogsville make una help me abeg, what am I supposed to do? They told me that I'm funny and I should just be natural but I keep having flashbacks of my Final year defence where I was drippign in sweat, my Secondary school award night where I nearly fainted and Primary school christmas carol where I cudn't stop waving at my parents lol...of which I'm planning on charging dem sef, wat do they mean lol.

I have an Uncle who drives the most run-down car you've ever seen in your life. The car is so beat-up dat the police give you a trophy if they catch you speeding, it's so beat-up that traffic lights always turn green wen he drives by cos they don't want it hanging around too long, it's so beat-up that Al-Qaeda can't use it for a car bomb cos it's bad PR. So one day Uncle Felix came to the house nd announced he was buying a new car, we were so thrilled ehn, nearly pop champagned for the man. We were all congratulating him when he made another announcement, he said he didn't want to sell the old man but wants to give it to me....YOU GO FEAR NAW! I'd rather ride on London's crowded buses and share MY air with smelly strangers at tube stations than be caught in Uncle Felix's 'embarrasmobile'. Maybe d man feel sey en dey do me favour? Well thanks but no thanks, allow me to dey use leg go supermarket abeg! If I drive that thing for a month it'd be better for me to go gay cos no woman will ever speak to me again, if I drive dat thing to a car wash d attendatns will slap me, If i drive dat thing to church they'll ask d car for a prayer request! Mba! not me oh, my God has bigger things planned for me.

I saw something quite weird a few days ago and I'll let you guys decided wat was really going on. I was walking past a restaurant and I saw this woman hugging a kid by a car. It was a very intimate hug nd it just seemed weird. She had was squatting, rubbing his back nd then slowly she reached down, grabbed d boys butt nd squeezed it...YOU GO FEAR NAW! You know d way Kanye hugs nd grabs Amber? yeah like dat! that's how dis woman was grabbing this kid. At this point the only thing I cud hear 4rm my earphones was static, my jaw nearly fell from my face, I just stood there staring as this woman as she continued grabbing and sqeezing this boy's pre-school butt. It's not like he was a dwarf or something oh, dis one na confirmed pikin so abeg somebody help me explain this cos d weirdness of it all is quite confusing. Didn't know whether to call d police or R Kelly's therapist...Oooooh snap!!!!

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Tonto is the Koko

~BABY BOO, SUGAR MI', SWEETY CHEEKS~

Baba God see me oh! Dis babe n'agbaka m isi! she dey scatter my head into many many pieces biko! My pple wahala dey!!! Sir Scribbles II, that is me, don enter gbase. Her name is Tonto Dikeh or should I say Mrs. Tonto Scribbles...ah d name fit sef! but the name is not improtant, the issue at hand is that if you know this babe, if she is your relative, friend, schoolmater, neighbour, customer, infact if you have spent more than five minutes in the same room with this piece of african goodness you must forward all details to me ASAP. I no dey follow una play oh, when Love is involved nobody supposed dey joke nd I am ready to chook pesin bottle and keep chooking until someone spills her email address. KAI! Tonto...Omoge u go wound pesin oh! Shey I never mad as I dey like dis? I'm sorry Megan Good but Tonto na d way forward now oh, besides wetin Umunna go talk wey I carry Black Oyibo reach village. I've heard so many stories about you Tonto but all is forgiven, I forgive you because love is forgiving and it is all inconsequencial cos it's in the past. All dem Nollywood actors wey dem eye dey chook wen dem see fine babe make una hands off oh! Una no reach, no mind Jim Iyke and hyperactive acting skills or Emeka Ike who is more bush than posh or Desmond Elliot who's chewed his fingernail so much that each finger has a different flavour or that Maga Saint Obi who's acting skills lead me to beleive that he's African China's estranged father. Baby girl na you nd no one else oh, HELL NO WE WANT TONTO!!!!!!!!! I wrote this while thinking of you Tonto:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My sister seize TV
come force me watch naija movie
I dey vex cos I no like all these home movies
but today I no wan argue so I just fashi
I just dey watch as Jim Iyke dey shout, d guy sef dey vex me
and Nkiru Sylvanus dey cry, na d only thing wey she sabi
then suddenly
from the corner of the screen
like sey she dey stand beside my TV
waka enter one beauitful beauty
d babe scatter my head thoroughly
and d way she dey waka dey spin my brain seriously
sharp sharp I rush go google
cos I be sharp boy and my mama didn't raise no mugu
Babe your face dey tie my eye,
you dey make my medulla hyper
you dey make my heart get attack
if na you be the reason why dem born me
then time don reach to fulfill my destiny
Tonto
na u biko
You are the koko
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Feed the ego

I have been instructed to inform you that Leggychukwu has moved house and now resides at
leggymoved.blogspot.com.

I was cleaning up my draft inventory when I came across the manuscript for this post, I wanted to talk about this a long time ago but I think I got distracted with my 50th post propaganda, yeah the draft is dat old. Recently, a couple of my close friends have had some unsavory experiences and running into the draft today felt quite serendipitious. Who else is more qualified to talk about the male ego than moi, a male with an ego. As I wrote this my ideas seemed to unceasing so this is only a fraction of my opnion on this matter.

We all have egos, that's pretty basic and evident, some bigger than others and some more gluttonous than required. Whether a man realises it or not he lives his life in order to please his ego and it in turn defines a substantial part of him. The ego defines the man and the way he feeds it defines the nature of the ego.

Now since the ego influences a major part of our lives it usually affects most of our decisions and actions. You want to know why a guy will continue pestering a girl even when she's rejected him so many times to the point of dejection? It's cos most male ego thrives on challenge and the possibility of conquest. Why will a married man with a loving family choose to have a jump-off on d side? it's cos risk is like adrenaline for some egos. Why will a man who knows a lady is being courted by several other men still be optimistic enough to believe he will end up with her? It's cos the ego is always starving and survives on challenges spiced with competition. Men are built to compete whether we accpet it or not, we are designed to rate ourselves with others and depending on the nature of the ego a man will either want to be more or want others to be less.

Egos can be constructive or destructive, Most men will refuse to adopt self growth and improvement and prefer to pull others below them in an attempt to appease and benchmark their ego. Egos are constructive and destructive but also subjective, this means that different men have different ego treats. Money, Cars, Clothes, Sex and Power are just some of the treats an ego can snack on. A workaholic needs to feeds is ego with success, a gigolo needs to feed his ego with women and sex, a wife beater needs to feed his ego with hurt. I had to insert the last example cos it's something which bothers and annoys me. It's pure common sense which is cloudy by unrealistic fear and dependency. If a man treats a woman worse than he treats his car, phone or job then isn't it sensible for her to realise that on his priority meter, scale of preference and/or affection bar you are less important than a phone. Do u think I'm veering of fthe subject matter? Well I'm not, cos like everything else, the ego has a role to play in this as well. Why do you think a man will pester you for months and when you finally do have sex he won't call you? Conquest. Why do u think he's cheating on you with your best friend? Risk. Why do you think he says he loves you just to get in knickers? Reward. Why do you think he won't stop bugging you even though you have a boyfriend? Challenge. I could go on for ages but I'll assume you get the point.

So how does this apply to relationships? It's quite simple, a productive ego will want to grow and improve for the partner while a destructive ego will want accept stagnation and look to reduce others. A productive ego will not compete with others but compete with itself, it will challenge itself to surpass itself and spur the man to be better as long as there's a reward in sight. A man will only envy his more successful partner because his ego demands she be the lesser of the two, A man will only hit his woman because his ego depends on a show of superiority based on force and violence, A man will always want to show love and affection because his ego will starve if he doesn't, A man will want to give his woman everything because if he doesn't his ego will be restless. I hope I'm making sense to you because this is one of those posts where I know I'm producing a nuclear amount of sense.

The idea of happiness in a relationship is bipartite and must be mutual. This post has leaned towards the male perspective and in your spare time you can talk about how to make a woman happy but the following sentence is simply the fundamental of male happiness, A productive ego must be fed and a destructive one deserves starvation.

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Just a thought...LOL!

Ahn ahn, una no even halla sey Sir Scribbles no dey yarn liek b4, wiv all thsio 100th post talk and Mumsy gist I have strayed away from the foundation of this blog, the basis of my posts and the soul of my writtings. Oya back to business, Sir Scribbles has few observatiosn and opnions and once again the requirements are a very vivid imagination and a love for absolute nonsense lol.

We all know the stories about wise tortoise and how he scammed half the animal kingdom but nobody has ever asked why tortoise was so successful? I mean tortoise scammed the elephant and took his chieftancy title, scammed the hare and wrecked his self esteem and let's not forget he scammed the birds into giving him an I.V to their heavenly owambe. After all this you'd think all the other animals wud think twice before accepting an offer from this devious reptile but no they didn't! It started as whispers in the jungle, rumours exchanged ears and all the animals gasped as they read the front page of Great Vine news the next day, their king, their leader, their only hope for a solution to tortoise's tyranny had been overthrown in a bloodless coup by none other than the shattered shelled one. How you still remain the king of the jungle baffles me but Lion, if you are reading this, I have one word for you....MUGU!

I'm sure most of you are familiar with this lullaby

Rock-a-bye baby, in the treetop,
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall,
And down will come baby, cradle and all.

Abeg make una look this thing well ehn, how is this supposed to make a baby sleep? infact any child with diaper's worth of an imagination should hear this lullaby and immediately assume it is a death threat! It's all fine and dandy for the first two lines until the third line where the child is told that the bough on which the cradle it sleeps in rests will break and the child will plummet to it's death. Seriously ehn, who sets their baby's cradle on a tree? infact this lullaby is an evidence of parental negligence as well as a threat on the child's life cos only the most cavalier of parents will let their baby go to sleep on a tree branch. If I be pikin and I hear mumsy or popsy dey sing this song I no go even watse time, na to just throway sucker , jump cradle and pick race GBAM! why threaten me when you cud have just gotten an abortion.

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It's Mummy season...

So Mumsy is around...again! This post is just a recap of the 'going-downs' since she stepped into this house...by now u shud know wat to expect

Her first night here was christened with her bed collapsing in the middle of the night. I was In the living room at 2am when I heard a loud 'BANG' and 'KABOOM' from the bedroom. The next thing that echoed from the bedroom, down the staircase and into the living room was a loud "ROBBBBBBYYYYYYY!!!!" I ran upstairs and there, amongst the pile of wood, duvet and pillows was my mumsy shaking her head in acceptance that the holiday with her children had begun in the finest of ways. Seeing as I love DIY, I decided to fix the bed myself and even though Mumsy begged me to let her buy a new one I refused and the next day I drilled and hammered the bloody thing back into shape. Two nights later, like an irritating deja vu, I heard the crashing sound from the bedroom again and the same name being screamed from the bedroom, only this time it sounded more accusing than a cry for help. I ran up to the room and once again, in a heap of wood, blankets and bedsheets lay my mum preparing a 15 minute speech on how my refusal to listen to her is connected to every problem in my life and with the world at large. She actually found a way to connect my stubborness with my addiction/love of chinese food and my cousin's love for white girls, the ways she does this is still beyond me I tell you.

One fine fall morning I was crashing in the living room because when Mumsy is around we end up revamping our sleeping arrangements and I usually end up on the couch. I'm crashing on the couch and I realise that across the room mumsy is seated with my laptop staring excitedly at the screen. Initially I wasn't bothered and drifted back into sleep, then several scenarios started playing out in my head, what if she found my blog? what if she found out how many times she'd featured in my posts? what of she read my emails?, what if she reached the facebook endz? A few minutes later she answered my question by asking me a question. "Robby" she said, "How do I add you to my facebook account?". I was awake and alert immdiately because someone had just set fire to the mountain, "Your account" I asked, "Yes oh, Mrs Olu has been pestering me to join so I decided to just join the thing, how can I add you?", "Well Mummy I'm not on Facebook anymore because it ended being a waste of my time and I heard people nick youe details and use it for malicious stuff" The lie flowed from my lips marinated in guilt. "Oh okay, well it's just so that I can say I'm on facebook and Mrs Olu can get off my back". I must admit I felt guilty but what's guilt compared to my Mumsy reading and commenting on my status updates.

We all went to wedding together and weren't we looking smashing! I was proud of the Scribbles mehn, Scribbles dudes in suits and Scribble Gurls in gowns. The bride and groom are really close family friends so we were feeling a bit special because we knew almost every member of the family, I say 'we' in an attempt to disguise the fact that it was just me being subtly smug. So the newly weds did were having their first dance and it was all mushy mushy with people awwwing and oooing everywhere. Then after the ceremonial dance the song changed and so did the tempo, it was all fine and normal when they were playing the old skool song which I have no details on ATM, mumsy decided to spray money on them, a notion I thought was illegal in london and knew Popsy wud be livid over. As the oldskool tune played mumsy sprayed and when she was done and about to leave the dancefloor the DJ went mental, Yemi Sax's 'Bere mole' blasted form the speakers and I could not help myself. With no younger babes on dancefloor I seized mumsy and was surprised to see she had started boogying before me sef. It was hilarious, Mother and Son grooving on the dancefloor and my cousin, also at the wedding, went crazy with her camera. Now you'd think the DJ wud behave himself and let us leave but NO! 'Ara ga gba ndiara' followed and then 'Fokasibe' and then Kelly Handsome's 'Like play like play'. At this point I was not myself again, I was busting out different versions of yahoozee and even attempted a posh looking version of alanta, mumsy was dropping some old skool moves as much as her joints would permit, Me and mumsy were just singing along with the choruses of each song and my sis and bro were laughing their butts off at the table. It was only when we had finally returned to our seats that I realised Mumsy ad been singin along with every naija song that had come on....pesin don dey spoil dat woman sha.

Her birthday is tomorrow the 10th and as usual it's going to be quiet cos she loves it quiet. We'll probably just surprise her at 12am cos right now we are all acting like we've forgotten. You'd think that after years of pulling thr same stunt it'd get old but it hasn't, every year we surprise her at 12am and I think she likes it more than she let's us know. However, after all this I would like Popsy to come and carry his wife cos I don tire, I love this woman mehn but for that love to remain she must be at least a continent awat from me. ttyl pples!

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Make way, Buju Boy coming through...

Been madly occupied lately but by next week the buju boy will be back on track. However, more pressing matters brought me here today...

2 Scribblessians 3 v 14
"and it shal come to pass, after 5 score treatises, one shall come forth from the midst of the eastern men and declare a desire to lead the musers and meditators into an era of untold abundance. He will ride in the company of the men of coal skin and with a fiery eyes blazing like a furnace he shall point to the promised land and the people will be compelled to follow"

So you see people, I did not choose this, rather, it chose me. The prophecy speaks of one who will come from the midst of the eastern men (Anambara State), after 5 score treatises (100 posts), to lead the musers and meditators (Blogsville) into an era of untold abundance. It says he will ride in the company of the men of coal skin (Buju boys) and with fiery eyes blazing like a furnace he shall point to the promised land and the people will be compelled to follow (Let's go there!!!!!)

Now only one who knows the intricacies of blogging and every corner of blogsville should even come close to running for mayor right? Well Sir Scribbles cannot boast that he has ben there and done that but what I can say is Sir Scribbles has ben busy and research carried out in conjuction with The Scribbles Institute of Blog Dynamics has unearthed many factors and tendcies common in this community. Here are seven blog/blogger/reader tendenices we have uncovered.

Disclaimer: Research is still in the alpha phase but if u feel slighted by our findings then dat one na 4 ur pocket...or u can jump inside empty swimming pool.

1. Readers like pictures but loathe videos. They are helpless when it comes to viewing uploaded pics cos looking at pics is both involuntary and effortless, they are there are the human eyes is a biological amebor and can't help but see them. But with videos, the reader gets defensive and says "So you want me to watch your video? you expect me to drag my mouse cursor over to your little play button, click play, wait for it to buffer and watch 7mins of absolute nonsense? U must think I am jobless? I will not watch the video but since I'm a nice person I'll say "Nice video" when I'm commenting.

2. If you want to be loved you must first love, show love and you'll get love in return, in blogsville love is measured in comments, bloggers may love comments whether long or short, bland or elaborate but what bloggers hate is patronisind blog ads. Do not drop comments like "Nice blog, check out mine at www.xxxxx.blogspot.com". Bloggers find it quite rude and insensitive and usually end up not checking out the blog. Majority of the readers and bloggers who add the phrase "Nice blog you have here, will definitely come back" never actually come back.

3. Word verification is like snoring, the snorer/blogger never knows how annoying it is and commentators never really bring it up unless they lose sleep/comments because of it.

4. In blogsville everyone is a friend, an e-relation or a soul mate...until you share your views on sexuality, religion or discard anonymity.

5. Depending on your preferences, the fastest way to gather followers and raise comment frequency is to add an "Adult content warning to your blog" and meet the expectations by providing said adult content.

6. Anonymous bloggers must be aware of the risks of meeting up with fellow bloggers outside blogsville, keep the hook ups to a minimum and you'll be fine, meet too many and your anonymity will make no sense. In the end, you will slowly begin to lose touch with your own posts and your blog as a whole.

7. Controversy, Humour, Gossip and Sex are the Four cardinal points of a frequently patronised blog. If you currently have just 2 followers and a post-comment ratio of 3:1 then you may conisider being freakishly blunt about yourself or sensitive issues, adopting a more comical approach to your musings, talking smack about other people for no lucidly conceivable reason or giving us the 411 on any and all nookie u have gotten, are getting or intend to get.

see y'all soon I hope, i get plenty gist no worry, Make I tease una small, A few days ago....My mumsy joined facebook!

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100th edition. Spoof Campaign: LET'S GO THERE...

Ladies and Gentlemen, beautiful people of Blogsville, a century of blogging has finally been reached, a glorious milestone acheived and a new era has begun. It is with immense joy in my heart that I blog before you today to make this announcement. I, Sir Scribbles II, am running for Mayor of Blogsville. Some may ask what makes him so special, he hasn't even been here a year and he wants to be Mayor, a century of posts doesn't mean he can lead us, there are others who have twice as many posts. To these critics I say; where are these people when leaders are needed? Where are these more qualified bloggers when a shoulder is needed to carry responsibility of the masses...Where dem dey? Nowhere is the answer my fellow bloggers, in the midst of blog wars, hater comments, gossip folk and an emergence from a blog recession no one will choose to take responisibility and become the face for the faceless and the shoulder for the shoulderless. I have stepped forward and stepped up, to lead the masses and guide the bloggers, to touch your hearts and feed your souls, to point to progress and say....LET'S GO THERE!

Ladies and Gentlemen, who sure pass sure boy? Who maga pass maga? If you maga pass maga you go surely wound! The BUJU BOYS PEOPLE'S PARTY is the only way forward, a party of the blogger by the blogger for the blogger. No be sey one-thing two-thing, we are here to take you there! We are taking over and with the needs of the blogger at heart and the fire of determination burning deep within us we will deliver.

Now I will answer questions that you, the wonderful people of blogsville chose to send in. I am not afraid to share myself with the people, what sort of leader would hide from his followers? These are your questions, unedited and as pure as you asked.... But una sha dey mad! I remeber saying that I doubted anyone could come up with questions that would fluster me...oh I was so wrong!

What will you spend most of the time, which you've used to blog, on if you didn't do any blog-related stuff?
Blogging doesn't take up most of my time ironically, the amount of time I spend of updateing and commenting is quite miniscule compared to some people. If I didn't have I blog I think I'd spend my time reading cook books, learning to play the piano and learning a new language, probably french or spanish.

Do You think Slim Shady is 'childish' for dissing MC and Nick and do you think MC was childish for singing Obsessed?
I've always believed that grown men don't kiss and tell, the answer is yes, Eminem is being petty and even though we've come to expect some brash and non chalant behaviour from him I think what he did was an inappropriate attempt at an ego trip as well as petty. Besides I think it was just an attempt to publicise his comeback album 'Relapse', many artist have used "beef" to sell records, and this might just have been another marketing strategy for Slim Shady. As for Mariah and 'obsessed', I say it was self defence, I like Eminem btu sometimes a bully needs to be stood up to rather than ignored. She could have handled it in a number of ways and in my opinion people like Eminem needa dose of their own medicine to set them straight.

Who are ur celeb and blogsville crushes?
Megan Good and Scarlet Johanson, these two women can threaten any relationship and even marriage lol. As for blogsville crushes, if I'd had just one I would have answered this question in a heartbeat, but I haven't and therefore cannot give you an answer, however I do give myself away sometimes...if you are still curious then you have your work cut out for you.

What inspired you to start blogging?
How I started blogging? Well it was Exschoolnerd's idea. I was talking to her a while back and halfway through the conversation she told me to start blogging ASAP. I asked why and she said it's cos I was awesome (her words not mine...she'll deny it but have I have proof). Immediately she said it everything just clicked cos in addition to my many sketchbooks and journals I've been looking for another way to express myself as well as broaden my horizon so I guess that's why I started blogging...to express myself.

How do I come wiv these things?

Like I said in the blog(s)ville gist Interview, I honestly do not know and I'm telling the truth, it just comes to me unexpectedly. Lately I've had alot of time on my hands sha and my inspiration is random and undefined really. It's like I said "A week in my mind and you won't want to go home...guaranteed!"

When was your first kiss?
Ah that was a long time ago, I was like 13 then, abi 14?...can't really remember. Didn't even know what I was doing, I sha knew that it felt good and consequently it led to other things...what I do remember is that the babe was waaaay more experienced than me...I'm surprised she didn't give me hadnouts and lecture notes afterwards

Describe your ideal woman.
My ideal woman is quite awesome as well, most def she must have a good sense of humour, should be stylish and know what makes her look good, God fearing, intelligent and ambitious. Creative and focused. I like a woman who I can grow with, someone who I can teach and learn from, someone who I can grow with rather than meet up with. My ideal woman knows how to appreciate the little things and big gestures alike....plus she must sabi kiss die!

What is/are your ultimate goal(s)?
Well all this book I am reading and planning to read no be for play-play. TBH I want to be comfortable, I want a loving wife, 3 or 4 kids, equally spread across both genders. I want to be able to spend money not thinking of how I'll get it back but knowing I'll get it back, I want to either own a consultancy or be a friggin big shot in someone else's. I have a very active mind and don't want to get stuck in a dead end dulling job playing minesweeper during office hours and I want to contibute something to people's lives near and far.

What is your major in school.
I'm doing my postgraduates in Strategic Business IT

What's your Igbo name?
Lol....it's Odera

What inspires you?
Alot of things inspire me, I get inspired by people alot, people who've gone through similar things like myself, people who I want to be like or even be better than, people's visions and success. Sometimes I even inspire myself by simply recalling moments where I triumphed and overcame certain challenges. However, if your question refers to my awesomeness then I can tell you that Ineed not be inspired to be awesome because na so dem born me lol.

What turns you on?
Very simple, If a girl walked up to me wearing a tank top, shorts and french knickers
underneath and started telling me how her Laptop's Intel integrated graphics card was so useless compared to her desktop's dedicated one....I'd be absolutely helpless

What turns you off?
Bad manners, excessive make-up, Body odour, improper use of high heeled shoes, ignorance and stereotyping.

Most treasured possession
My laptop, if you take it away you'd better replace it with Megan Good or a straight jacket

If you could change one thing about yourself it will be?
I want a ponytail, oh you mean change not add shey? Well, I want to be less rational, take more risks and live more in the moment sometimes

What kind of man are you, Boobs or Bum?
Disclaimer: I have a brains over boobs principle and only consider a woman's physical structure after verifying her intellectual potency. That being said...I am a Boob man lol.


Have you ever been asked to stick anything in ur bum?
No...where did you even get this question biko?

Are you a Virgin? If No, detail your first.
You do realise that every man in the world wakes up each day a virgin, even if you've shagged an army of women once a dude gets up 4rm bed in the morning he is a virgin lol. That being said, I am not a virgin and then again I think I am, I think I've gone all the but my memory is fuzzy...maybe it's because it was so long ago. Well I was 13...abi 14...can't remember really. Her name was Felicia, she was waaaay older than me like I said b4 and waaay hornier sef. It started with smal-small play play, touch me I touch you, then one day, we were at home alone, I was watching Cousin Skeeter in my room, she came in, play play started and then next thing I knew boobs were in my hands and I didn't know what to do with them lol. I think I remember doing more explicit things but like I said it's all a bit fuzzy...infact I am still a virgin abeg...I want to be a virgin cos if that was my first time I messed it up bad! Felicia if you are reading this I would like to say I am sorry...sorry I had waaaaaaayy more fun than you did. LMAO!

Why be sey an only ur Mama you dey talk about?
Well I do talk about my dad and didn't even realise I talked about my mum so much until the Blog(s)ville Gist Interview. My Dad is an awesome guy, we are alike in many ways, too many sef, I'm like the Dj Khaled remix of him, same song, different artists. Sometimes it's both fun and scary to be this similar but my popsy is a cool guy, he's a bit reserved and doesn't really do 'bloggable' stuff. I just felt blogging about Mumsy wanting to break my head was more fun than blogging about my popsy and he's addiction to TIME magazine.

What's ur most embarassing moment?
There are plenty as you might imagine but if I was to pick one I'd have to say Sec School, SS2. Class prefect nomination and election day, they all screamed that I shud be nominated and I put my hand up for nomination along with 2 other dudes in my class. Oya make una vote now, they all voted and when form teacher counted the votes it was just unbelievable. Dozie 15. Osi 18. Robby 1. I swear this is not a joke...the only person that voted for me was myself.
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There, I have answered them all, shey I no try? Now that I am one with the masses and have nothing to hide I ask of you one favour, look deep inside your hearts and your wallets, consider the community and how much this campaign will cost, sum it all up in ur mind and your chequebooks and make a contibution to blogsville and it's destined Mayor. With your help we can effect change and restore order. Let the sure boy lead you, Sir Scribbles II, a true Buju for Blogsville...LET's GO THERE!!!

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