a week in my mind and you won't want to go home...

Thursday, 28 May 2009

Series Finale: Robby Scribbles and...

02:13 Posted by Sir Scribbles , , 17 comments
The Three Tongues of Censure: A long time ago in a far away land there lived three young disciples who shared two masters each of great wisdom. The older Master was calm, shrewd, slow to anger but vicious in fury and he approached situations wiv a certan calmness and judgement that resolved matters amicably but wasn't afraid to use the hard hand of discipline even though it was rare. The second master was the more impulsive of the two and she was known to allow her temper cloud her judgement even though she compensated wiv a big warm loving heart. The Three Tongues of censure was a weapon whose origin was shrouded in mystery and only one of these great masters was able to attain this powerful weapon of chatisement learning all of it's techniques and using it to great effect on the pupils as a reminder of their training and as a tool of chastisement...this is the story of discipline, obedience, the weapon which imparted all these and it's weilder....MAMA SCRIBBLES!!!

The three Tongues of Censure (TTC) was the most feared thing in my childhood and was my mum's weapon of choice when it came to teaching us a lesson wen someone ended up breaking plates in the house or playing football outside past 6pm or telling lies or sneaking out to buy goody goody 4rm Mallam Musa! It was a tri-mouthed Koboko and it dealt an ass whooping the likes of which Spartans wept over! The thing that tripped me about the TTC was it's location, we never knew where she kept it but wen a whooping needed giving the Koboko came a'callin.
Somedays Me, my younger sis and bro wud ransack the whole house looking for it and we'd never find it but weneva she drove in 4rm work earlier than usual and caught us playing football wiv Tope and Tobi the TTC wud appear a few hours later to handle it's business. The way my mumsy used this thing can only be compared to the way Wolverinee uses his claws, there was a technique involved in summoning the TTC and it usually went like this:
It's 3:34pm and I've just broken the expensive flower vase on the dinning table despite the 15min warning we got the day it was brought home. With Every passing hour since then my fear has heightened and at 6:45pm I'm just a heap of sweat, tears and fright. 7:15pm she drives in 4rm work and my brother and sister run into their room abandoning me, I greet her and using her psychic skills she senses that something is wrong. She gets in the house and notices the dinning table is looking a bit vacant. She asks for the flower vase...I stutter...she asks again reducing the volume and pace of her words....I keep stuttering, her words gather more pace and volume...my eyes begin to water and I hope they can buy me some more painless minutes and ultimately mercy...a futile effort. She tells me to wait in her room and comes in a few seconds after me, as she's staring at me and telling me how she going to whoop me so bad i won't be able to sit for a week (in igbo lanugae cos it's more dramatic) the TTC appears in her hand... I think it's the fear of the impending lashing than distracts me 4rm noticing where she pulls it out 4rm. All I know is when you are told to wait in the room it's like sending a someoen to Guantanamo bay. The TTC is the perfect weapon, it's can mete out long range attacks so when u scamper to the edge of the bed she'll still reach you wiv minimum effort and it can deal devastating short range attacks that will make you reconsider if you are planning to come in on her close enough to grab her and beg for mercy. There us to be a time wen she'd tell me she'd give me 12 strokes and I'd be counting in my mind, by the time she gets to 10 I start to count out loud and then she says "So u are counting, you are not even serious....M piakasi gi aru ehn, e man' sa'aru n'una a ozo" (Translation: I will flog u so bad that you won't be able to take a bath in this house again)

The TTC terrorised us in that house and I took the major share of the terror. My bro and sis didn't get as many whoopings as me cos as a child I was somewhat "Adventurous" and "Curious". My dad never used the TTC cos he never really like the idea of hitting for correction...except wen u lied, my dad flipped wen we lied to him, you cud steal his money, sell his car or soak his TV in water but if he asked you who did it and you lied and he found out it'll be like Zeus zapping a mosquitoe wiv a lightening bolt. My dad was always the one who saved us from beatings from my mum but we weren't always lucky and sometimes you'd commit a crime, she be poised to beat you, my dad wud save you and it'll be like all was forgiven...then by 4am she'll wake u up and in the comfort of your own bed she'd use the TTC and harrass the hell out of ur snitching hide...it was like the Mafia catching a snitch who'd been in witness protection. A few weeks back I was tellin my Uncle, my mum's younger brother, dis story and he just started laughing at me, I asked him why he was laughing and he said that when they were kids their mum (Grandma) use to do the same thing to them and my Mum use to be a very regular victim of the 4am whoopin..."So it's a either family tradition or Revenge!!" I screamed lol

One day I was in the sitting room wiv my mum and we were watching a movie where a kid was telling his mum to shut up and leave his room. We all shook our heads and then my mum goes into this long speech about how kids need a smacking sometimes to set them straight...I just started smiling then I looked at her and said.."Mummy, you know u've flogged me shege in dis life?" She laughed and said that if she hadn't whooped me like dat as a kid I'd be irresponsible and wayward! Well I agree and like a true son of the soil I will continue the tradition...if only my prospective children knew wat was in store for them lol!

17 comments:

naija shawty said...

u can write o. which kind finale?

first baby

naija shawty said...

kai! my mum is not the whooping abi whipping type. huge sigh. but the kind of talk she wud deliver ehn was enuf to make me cry somehow

leggy said...

lol@i laughed wen i heard ur 4am...just like shawty..my mum is also not the whooping type...but her shouting eh go just make u comot hand beg her make she flog u!
thanks for stopping by..im on a public comp. so ill follow u wen i get home.ciao!

juiceegal said...

Ha scribbles i pity ur children,i wish i cld warn them now....lol
But chai u sufferd o....thank God my parents were not the whooping type.
I dnt know what it is with mothers and dawn,weneva i did smthin wrng,i cld be sure that my mum wld come and wake me around 4am for a "talk" which wld last 4 d next 2 hours..lol

Miss Natural said...

lol boy you did suffer! as in at 4am, what kind of cruelty is that lol. nah my parents had their beating moments, with my dad generally more calmer than my mum. They would get the house help to pluck branches whenever it was time for a beating. lol anytime my dad caned us my mum would just disappear in the background lol

Rene said...

i pity ur kids oh!...lol @ revenge
me i wuz jus lucky wen i was small, twas lyk wen dey gave birth to me dey stop whopping asses....lol

Rene said...

which kind finale? abeg write more joh!

G-FUNC said...

see Osama!
You are already planning this kind thing for children that are still blissfully oblivious of the world as eggs in their mum!
I hope you have your kids in a developed country,try flog em na child services will have them up in some orphanage crib faster than you can say "say hello to my little friend" lol

I support you idea of twacking the behing of them kids that want to try to "spoil"

I can't have my kid telling me shit like "give me a break mum".He or she signs their death certificate with that statement.I'll have it inscribed on their graves to deter the others

G-FUNC said...

k

Afrobabe said...

Lol….touch your kids and the cops will come for you love…unless you intend to raise them in naija…come to think of it my parents used to lock the windows, close the curtains and beat the living daylight out of us when we lived in yankee….then she would threaten us with "if you tell your teacher they will dash you to drug dealers, you will never see us again and you will never eat pounded yam again…I don't joke with my pounded yam!!!
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Dark Neo said...

Omo Robby the 1st don enter trouble!
I've heard this story b4, but this is the time i've laughed hardest (@ like the mafia catching a snitch in witness protection). Afrobabe sorry oh....is it not better in Naija? where you can run out crying and your neighbors will beg for you..

Dark Neo said...

Or your neighbors will make comments like "flog am well well...E no get respect!", "Mama Niyi do!(Edo for sorry) which kind pikin you get sef?"

Sir Scribbles II said...

See these pple o! wen I was writting this story I thot pple were going to comment saying stuff like "my mum use to whoop us like that as well" and "your mum is even kool compared to mine" I didn't know you guyz were going to make my mum sound like hitler lol! Mehn that woman was gifted in dishing it out o!

Lady X said...

Chei!
Poor children!
My mom was the whooping type too and my dad wasn't.Like you said they hide the koboko and you look for it to destroy it but you never find it yet it miraculously appears every time they wanna whoop you!
Swear I thought my mom had some kinda magicky thing going for her LOL

Gtay said...

my mom whooped me silly cane cord anything dat came 2 hand d worst was wen i gave my 14 grand wristwatch 2 a babe and i lied dat it was in my room and wen she asked 4 it i said some touts stole it i shudder at d rema=ebrance of dat day i wont beat my kids dats my wifes job so i can b d good guy

ManCee said...

LMAORF
People we NEED to write an epitaph to our Mama-Issued-Threats.

Afrobabe, lol at never eating pounded yam..

One of my ma's favorite was "I'll so beat you, you'll turn white". I'm serious.
We never really understood what it meant, but we were sure it was something 'tres terrible'

lusciouscurves said...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! I cried tears of laughter reading this, I swear!! Sir Scribbles II, I salute your humour. :)