The Asian Connection...The fact That I can't cook has been established since the dawn oof this blog, I can now do d basic sha, like boil rice and all that but if you don't leave a pot of stew or soup then you are the epitome of Hitler...Btw PROPS TO MY LIL SIS' COS IF NOT FOR YOU HUNGER FOR DON KILL ME! the man that will marry that girl will have to settle me big time!!
One day I asked her to teach me how to make stew and like d science student I am I told her to write it down as elaboratly as she could step bt step, she wrote everything for me and at the top was the heading "COOKING FOR DUMMIES"...apparently I'm not the only one wiv a sense of humour in dis family.
It started as a simple family outing, if we were celebrating anything we'd usually go down to this lil' chinese restaurant and stuff our faces wiv oriental cuisine, then someone suggested we make it a regular thing, The first time was to celebrate somneone's graduation from high skool, the second was someone's birthday, the third time was someone's new job...nd then the visits got more frequent, slowly I was being dragged into a life of dependance and addiction, I've never been a drinking man, never smoked a stick in my life, never sniffed, inhaled and jabbed myself either, but this had broken through all my defences and turned me intoa maniac...My name is Robby Scribbles...and I'm addicted to Chinese food lol
We'd be there about 5 times or more, I cudn't get it out of my head, the way chicken chow mein had messed up my system still baffled me, I cudn't stop imaging it, I cudn't stop tasting it in my mouth, the long strands of oriental goodness had overrun my thoughts, the thick lumps of pork and chicken around it, the crystal coloured spring onions poppin out of corner of the plate...I swear I was hoooked. Speedy Noodles was a good 1 hour away 4rm the house, I thought of walking all d way there but changed my mind...d cold outside sef no dey friendly! They'd left me alone at home again, Sis was in skool, everyone else's at work, did they leave food? NO! did they leave money for food? NO! did they want me to starve to death...maybe! I stood by the window staring at the lil' Chinese restaurant across the street...MR WONG's Chinese restaurant was callin me...I swear the letters on his sign board were callin my name, I pulled out my wallet and stared at the few notes in it...dis was food money for skool d next day...Subway for lunch was the plan...no room for contingencies. I tried I tell you, I resisted for a good 2 hours...but MR WONG's Chicken Chow mein was callin me and I cud hear it's voice crystal clear in my ears...even if na chinese en dey speak I still understand! I couldn't take it anymore, I gave into the temptation, I walked into the restaurant and the girl at the counter was smilimng at me...did she know? I think she did! she knew I was addicted! She cud see it in my eyes, especailly wen I recited my order wivout staring at the menu..."I'd like the Special Chicken Chow mein, extra spicy wiv a side order of spicy pork pieces, stripped chicken pieces and spare ribs in pecking sauce. Throw in a couple of prawn crackers and chicken wings as well", "anything else?" she asked...why did I feel annoyed when she asked me that...I felt like she was mocking me, like she knew I cudn't resist a can of Rubican Mango juice, well I cudn't. I pay for my fix, grab my pack like a crack addict and head home. 5mins later and I'm in pure heaven...oh I go hear am 4 skool 2moro...I'll have to drink water all day to stay within my budget for the week...sorry Subway but I'm sprung 4 MR WONG! The next day I'm at skool and a notice a classmate of mine who hadn't been in skool 4 a while so I go over to say hello, Ami says she'd been in china for the chinese new year that's why she hadn't been in skool, She says she brought something for me and pulls out a lil packet 4rm her bag...it's contents are all to familiar...it's chow mein in a pack!...ready made!...in a pack!...they sell it in a pack like Pringles or Walkers over there!....I soooooo love China!
Two weeks pass and I haven't had a chinese meal all through, I've had Indomie but it's just not d same now is it? I'm cured, I'm free from my dependence on chinese cuisine...or so I thought. The week before a few friends and I decided to see a movie but had to postpone it, it's friday today and we're doing it this sunday. Sunday after church I call one of them and they tell me to meet them at Ilford cos there's a cinema there, 30mins later I arrive and we're all walking down to the cinema, we pass by a few stores and my nose twitches involuntarily, then one of my friends makes a suggestion..."Are you sure we shud see a movie?" she asks "shud we just have lunch at this chinese restaurant" she points behind me and I turn around to find out I'm standing in front of a chinese restaurant...Oh no! I say to myself. Everyone agrees we shud bust the movie and have lunch there instead...if only they knew. We walk in and I'm hit wiv another surprise...it's a buffet! O MY GOOD LORD! A friggin BUFFET!...I don die! I survey the the spread quickely and I spot my favs....Chicken Chow Mein? check! Spare ribs? Check!...Every every? check !!! I'm like a friggin assasin wiv dis stuff, first round, then second, then third...I'm getting my fix and these people just think we're having lunch. I get home that evening and I tell my Sis about the killa chinese Buffet I went to, she in turn (as usual) tells my aunt who tells her husband (house of snitches) My Uncle just laughs it off but what he doesn't realise it that this is no joking matter...from that day onwards I cudn't get that restaurant out of my head. A few days later I'm walking down Ilford high street wiv my uncle and he says he's hungry, I'm about to suggest Nando's or Pizza Hut of friggin Maccy D's but he throws in the Chinese food proposal and I'm powerless to resist. We're in again and I swear I saw the cashier smiling, it's friggin cosnspiracy and all the Asian restaurants are in on it, they know how much I love Chicken Chow mein so they've probably informed all the other Chinese restaurants about me, I can imagine Ninjas jumping 4rm rooftops delivering letters to every Chinese restaurant wiv "Latest Mugu" written on d envelopes"...however we are in the 21st century so it'd be cheaper to send d message by email lol. Ofcourse it's a conspiracy, how come when I'm at a chinese restaurant my order is always served quicker than others?...they've probably got a special cooker and frying pan labelled wiv my name "TALL IGBO BOY WHO CAN'T GET ENOUGH" or "BLACK DUDE WHO LOOKS AWESOME BUT LOVES OUR SH&T" lol. A few days back I was walking past Mr. Wong's and he calls me in and gives me a calendar, I nearly smack him upside the head wiv it, what does he mean sef?, dat I don chop so much Chow Mein that I need a schedule d meals now? or I've spent so much money in his restaurant that he wants to reward me? if he wanted to reward me he should give me the recipe for the damn thing....It's been exactly 24hrs since my last Chinese meal...I'm going hard and I'm going strong...then while typing this up I was listening to Edwin Starr's song "War" and then I remembered Jackie Chan singin it in Rush Hour 1...suddenly I get the craving again....it's exactly 3:43am and I want Chow Mein!...from a friggin song about war? This is pathetic!