Robby Scribbles and....
The Public lecture of doom...12:17pm, Just finished a lecture/torture on Algorithm Analysis and as usual Dr. E was a pain in the posterior, I head over to the skool cafeteria wiv a bunch of friends, we all have a plate of rice, two pieces of meat that are so small I thot they were weevils and one boiled egg each, we eat to our 'unsatisfaction'by 1:25pm I'm in my room in my room kit (T-shirt and shorts) and ready to crash till I hear crickets when the PA systems blasts the most annoying announcement across the hostel...
"Good day students...All of you is required to assembly at the School Chapel for Public Lecture by 3pm, you are all require to be there by 2:30 latest in order to keep early. Thank you"
"KAI!!! Oga Tolu no sabi speak english to save en life" I'm so annoyed right now that I decide to bust the public lecture, but if they take attendace the skool will decide to bust my education as well...there's no incentive but I think a 4 week suspension is motivation enough. I dress up again and I head for the school chapel annoyed and sleepy. Halfway there I get that familiar unusual bowel movement that signals I need to do a number 2..."must be the egg" I say. I ignore it, I'm a grown man and I bet I can hold it of till after the lecture. I continue my journey and my bowels relax. I've taken a seat on the last row in the chapel, the lecture is on "Psychology and the Nigerian mentality", I didn't need a lecture for this, I know wat the nigerian mentality is, If you see a policeman think of him as a toll gate, if you see lit light bulb give Nepa 30 more minutes, if you see an unemployed graduate multiple him by a 100...a public lecture on this is totally pointless. Anyway, I'm seating there wiv my lil' Sudoku book, pple have filed into the hall now and my row is filled up wiv me seated somewhere in d middle...then it hits me, that irregular bowel movement again, I try to hold it off, I try to ignore it, but it's not having any of it, it starts to overwhelm me and I immediately excuse myself, I get to the exit and this usher stops me telling me I can't leave cos the lecture is about to start, I try to reason wiv d dude but he's being all official and my bowels aren't feeling very respectful today so I just push him aside in a manner that says "I'm sorry but you are being an arse" The first thing on my mind is to rush back to the hostel and do a number 2 there but as I'm speed-walking past the library I realise that I might not make it and risk nose-diving my social status cos I cudn't do a number 2 in the chapel loo. I have to think fast now, I can rush back to the chapel commodes but it doesn't have tissues, it never does, like someone's always going there to steal it for their own homes, I suspect Dr. E., this means I have to stop at the skool shopping mall, buy a roll of tissue and rush back to the loos before I implode. I take two steps and my bowels assist my conclusion that my next destination will be where I number 2 so it's not advisable to stop anywhere else apart 4rm a loo. I start jogging back to the chapel, I don't know how I'll do it but I have to get to the chapel first, the issue of tissue is a bridge I'll cross wen I get there. As I jog towards the chapel I spot Sam, if you remember Sam 4rm my previous posts you'll know that he's a shallow, cold hearted loveless fellow but he's my friend so I grab him by the shirt and give him a speech Martin Luther wud have empathized over.
"Sam, U gatz to help me my brother, Wahala dey o! as you see me so I wan number 2 like mad and I dey run go white house (toilet) for chapel. the problem na sey I no get tissue so I you go fi' help me buy tissue for shopping mall bring am for me abeg?"
"HAHAHA! Guy so na number 2 dey worry u like dis, Ajebo! Where the money?" he asks
"Guy just buy am I go give you money wen I reach hostel, I no get time to dey comot wallet for here guy u no see as I dey stand like person wey get polio"
"Guy be like sey u neva wan number 2 yet! I no get One kobo ontop me now so if you need d tissue better comot ur wallet"
I pull out my wallet and give Sam N100 which at the time cud buy me 5 rolls and before I jog off I pull him close to me, I stare at him straight in his eyes and wiv the most sincere expressions on my face and sternest of voices I say to him "Guy...I'm counting on you!" and I run off like it's a scene 4rm a friggin war movie and I just left my family to fight d Germans lol! All the students are at the public lecture so definetly me runnig up and down the campus attracts attention and guess who decides to stop me for interrogation...the Arse Usher, he grabs my arm and starts firing questiosn at me asking me why I'm running and why I left the chapel and telling me he was going to write a report about me, I told him to go right ahead cos I had more pressing issues but this dude just wanted to be right up there wiv Dr. E. as d assholes in my life cos he then tells me I have to follow him to the chapel office or he'll report me to a member of staff...now I've had it, I wrench myself free and scream at him "Guy I want to number 2 and you are stopping me, do u want me to do it on your shoes? if not leave me alone jooooo!!!!" The 'jo' echoes as I run towards the toilet and I'm sure pple heard me but I don't care, right now my situation was bordering around dire. I arrive at the loo and the big sign in front of the entrance read "OUT OF ORDER" I nearly collapse, I ask the janitor if the loo on d other side is usable and he says he doesn't know cos he just clocked in...FYI: The distance between me and other side is like running across a soccer pitch. I have no choice, I'm running to the loo on d other side afraid and praying my bowels don't fall my hand in public, I pass Arse Usher and he acts like he doesn't see me, wise decision, he must really like his shoes. I get to the toilet and it's open and I handle my business while thanking God for saving me from a serious faux pas. Now I wait, I wait for Sam to honour his word and bring my friggin tissue, paranoia creeps in, "what if he doesn't bring it" "What if he gets to the first loo, sees it's not working and heads back to the hostel?" "What if he runz wiv my friggin' money?" "What if I'm here all day waiting for this Maga to bring Tissue?" "Sam don run wiv my money, bloody boy I go kill am..." Like the sound of a microwave bell to a hungry man so was the sound of Sam's voice to my ears "Robby!" he shouted "Yes!" I replied trying to hide my elation. "Which one you dey?" He asked. "The last one jo, I think sey u don run wiv my money". "Guy I for run but I no fi leave you for toilet as per you be my guy" we laugh together. He throws the tissue over the door of my stall and almost like in slow motion it flies over the door and I catch it.
I'd like to say that it all ended well and I lived happily ever after but unfortunately it didn't. In addition to being harrased by a member of staff accusing me of assaulting an usher and truancy (Arse Usher snitched on me) I had to endure a whole semester of torture from Sam, like I said he's a cold-hearted sucker and whenever two or three were gathered Sam never let the opportunity of telling this very interesting and embarrasing story to everyones's amusement pass. At least this public humiliation is better than the one I could have suffered imagine all my years of working and toiling on my social standing only to lose it to a friggin boiled egg!