It's the end August, we're in the UK for the summer holidays and it's time to go back home, during the vacation I've been in constant contact wiv this girl I fancy in school, I mean almost everyday we're talking on the phone or texting each other but now I'm broke, no money on me or credit in my phone, I just want to go back to naija. One day I'm so pressed to talk to her or send her a text even but there's no credit in my phone, so I wait...I wait till late in d night to use my mum's phone, she's always got credit on it so she won't notice if she's a few pence short cos of my text, wen i'm done i'll delete the text...It's d perfect plan. It's 3am in d morning and I'm sending this heartfelt mushy mushy text to the chick, the text's got everything, smileys, XOXOs, everything I tell you. When I'm done and it's sent I delete the text and press the red button on the "NOKIA" phone (Note: it's a nokia phone). The next morning I hear voices in my room, it's my mum, my younger bro and sis, I pretend I'm still sleeping and I hear my mum ask someone "did you know about this?" My Sis says no, then she says they'll wait till I wake up. I get up about 30 seconds l8r (fear no gree me sleep again) and I greet my mum...no reply...she's just staring at me wiv those her "I wish I cud still whoop ur ass" eyes. Then the interrogation begins
Mum: Did you use my phone last night
Me: Noooo, I didn't us it mummy
Mum: Are you sure?
Me: Yes I'm sure..I..I...didn't use it
Mum: Well that's a lie because I was about to send someone a text this morning and when I picked up the phone and pressed new message this is what I saw
She points the screen at me, I can't make out the text but the numerous XOXOs on the screen are visible and too familiar to forget. I reply with silence...and then the tirade begins...for almost a whole hour I'm being verbally assaulted with rhetorical questions and threats, "is this wat u do in skool?" "ur father must hear this" "How come we've never seen ur result?" "So all you do chase women?" "When we get back you'll have a lot of explaining to do", "It looks like we give you too much money that's why u can be chasing girls in skool" "Who is she?" "You think this is the time for this nonsense?" "When we get back all of us will sit down and get to the bottom of this, you are just getting into ur 3rd year ooooo nd u r sending I miss you texts...who r you missin?"
As if this wasn't enough the cursed text wasn't done wiv me yet, we're back in naija, my Dad is on a business trip and my mum decides to call one of her friends, Aunty Linda, who's son is my Uni to find out if there's anything I'm hiding 4rm her, this woman tells my mum that our results can be checked online these days but it's not the full results just the courses that you've failed since 1st year...friggin snitch! Mum asks me if I know about the online results, I deny it flawlessly, she tells me to march over to the cyber cafe and check. The cyber cafe server is as slow as Paris Hilton in a Molecular physics class, I'm staring at a blank page for almost 15 minutes waiting fot it to load so wat do I do? I go home and tell my mum that my name is not on d list and I didn't fail any course. The next day my mum comes home from work and calls me to the living room...
Mum: Where's Robert? (when she calls my full name it means the proverbial shit has hit the proverbial fan and my non-proverbial ass requires a non-proverbial whooping)
Me: Yes Mummy (Yes pple I still call my Mother mummy..deal wiv it jo!)
Mum: COME HERE!
I appear with the most innocent expression on my face
Mum: What did you say happened at the cyber cafe
This question indicates that she has figured out how much of a lying child I am
Me: I checked the list and my name wasn't there
Mum: Are you sure? (A chance at redemption)
Me: Yes Mummy (A chance wasted)
she pulls out a piece of paper and shows it to me, Aunty Linda came to the shop to see me today, when I told her you said your name wasn't on the list we decided to check by ourselves...do any of the course on dat paper ring a bell
Me:...em em...yes! In my mind I'm screaming "Aunty Linda you friggin snitch!"
Mum: You are a mad boy!, U must be mental!...all these lies!...U r a theif! We give you everything you need to be comfortable, u r just coming back 4rm london wen ur mates went to the village for holidays yet wen u go to skool you go and play, chase women, send them love texts and waste our money. 4rm now on we are halfing your pocket money, half the clothes you bought in london are staying at home since wat you do is to go to skool and do fashion when ur mates are reading, shey u see ur result, u failed everything (just 3 courses oooooo!). Your ftaher doesn't even know yet and I don't have d heart to call him and tell him while he's away, you are very lucky!
By this time I'm scared, angry wiv myself, the bloody cyber cafe and Aunty Linda. I'm regretting the text message I sent, If I'd just waited a few days later I'd have been in naija and sent the text from my phone...but nooooo lover boy had to send secret text 4rm his mum's phone cos he was too broke to use his and too stupid to realise Nokia phones are snitches lol. I'm kinda grateful sha, if not for the great unveiling my life in Uni wud have continued in d same callous manner it had started wiv. I did a complete U-turn...no need for the details but on graduation day I looked back at all this and I actually shed a tear...not cried oooooooo! just a couple of tears trinkling down my cheeks lol.