In other news...

Today I feel like talking about relationships and Guy-Girl association, it's such a juicy controversial issue that I can't wait to hear whta ll of you are going to say. Okay so there's so much I want to talk about that I'm going to try and arrange the issues as conhesively as possible, I think each situation I'll talk about revolve around the same issue though...Let's go there!

A friend told me that she knew this chick who really liked some guy in her uni, it was a classic girl-crush-on-guy scenario but the guy didn't know who she was. Everytime she saw this dude she'd always stare and fantasie about him coming over and talking to her and this went on for several months without the girl ever saying a word and the dude never noticed her cos she never showed any sign of interest. Sometimes she'd walk right past the guy in d library or cafeteria and wudn't even throw a glance his way or show any sign of interest but wen she got to her room she'd lament about the dude not noticing her. My friend told me that weneva dis chick saw this guy talking to another girl at skool she'd run back to her room and cry her eyes out. If she even saw the guy saying Hi or waving to some other chick she'd immidiately start beefing the other chick and it was eating her up inside. Now this is my opinion....MADNESS!! Yes it might go against the status quo and contravene everything that he naija culture stands for but seriously do you think this chick shud have opted for silent death than take a chance at something more beautiful. If she wasn't so sprung I'd have said she shud just get over it cos it cudn't be guaranteed that the guy will notice her let alone like her but the chick was filling buckets wiv tears in her room for crying out loud...abi wat do u think?

Second situation, I have a friend and wen it comes to women I wish I had this dude's luck wen it comes to girls. Trust me wen I say that wen it involves chicks Sam's luck can an Irish man look like he's got a black cloud over his head (coz Irish pple are generally considered lucky if you didn't know). Ever since the day I met this guy I've never seen him go after any chick but somehow they all seem to let him know how much they like him, I've talked about him before in a previous post, Sam is the most shallow dude you'll ever meet and I think the reason why he's that way is cos he's hardly ever had to work for the attention of girls. A typical day out wiv Sam will involve you running into a group of chicks u know but he doesn't, you introduce everyone and y'all having a good time, he's getting to know everyone in a very platonic fashion wiv no strings attached, two days later one of the girls you are closer to tells you that one of her friends who was at the table that day really like Sam. When you tell Sam this he tells you he already knows cos yesterday, the day after we all met they exchanged numbers (prompted by the chick) and she sent him a very elaborate text detailing her feelings and some other unprintable things lol. It's like having a real life Vincent Chase as your friend. The koko here is that there was one chick who I consider to have been obsessed wiv Sam, we'd be having a boys night out and she'd just appear 4rm nowhere and start flirting wiv him, we "conincidnetally" ran into her everytime we were out and she'd always make it so obvious that she liked him...it irritatedd us!! Not her emotions but the way she expressed them. Guys like being chased sometimes but not hunted, she told Sam on numerous occasions how she felt but Sam never felt the same way about her and was to chicken to let her know in full detail. Even wen he did gather enuf cohones to tell her she was either to stubborn or blinded by infatuation to reason wiv. It was a very pitiful sight wen Sam got into a relationship wiv someone else and this chick started beefing Sam's new girlfriend. I think she crossed a boundary she didn't even know was there but Sam like d attention so he never told her where the boundary was.

Final scenario is another friend of mine, Kay is what you call a nice guy, he's cute according to numerous compliments, he's smart, funny and witty and is someone who cud make a girl happy....So why was his luck wiv chicks so shitty! Every girl he'd liked, had a crush on or even had a relationship wiv has somehow managed to twist the guys heart into a painful knot. Kay is one of the most courageous suckers I know, he sees her he likes her he tells her...nd then he gets dumped! That's the regular tory wiv my Guy kay! It's happened so many times that oga Kay gave up on the whole idea of love and a concrete relationship as a whole. He had this girlfriend who he really liked and after introducing her to the fold we kinda liked her too...until she dumped him for another guy who she'd had a crush on before she met Kay! In our records she automatically went 4rm Babe to B#t*h status. That one just finished my guy Kay, he turned into this dark predator who only had boobs, butt and sex on his mind, he was like a Sam's lil' disciple lol! Still the chicks he really cared about always found a way to hurt him...it was painful to see and funny as hell to recap but the issue was anytime he made d first move the chicks always had a critical counter!

I had a poll a while back asking if guys shud always make the first move and some said yes, some said no and some said not all the time. The Chick in the first story went through self-imposed emotionally torture cos she never told d guy she liked how she felt. Sam never went out wiv the chick in the second story cos she did make d first move and tried imposing a relationship on a guy who was too shallow and irritated to agree. Kay was a victim on numerous occasions cos he always made d first move and even wiv gud intentions never really had his emotional requirements fulfilled. I think the problem in all these situations is wrong pple, wrong timing and wrong approach. Picture this:

• If Kay, who likes to make d first move, had been the dude in the first story who the chick had a crush on I'm sure the story wud have been a bit different even if it'd take a mind reader to notice that the chick had feelings for him.
  
• If the chick who cudn't let Sam be had fallen for the guy in the first story who's to say d outcome wud be d same as wen she tried to tie ol' black heart Sam down. No other human being on this earth is as shallow as Sam (slight exagerration may have been employed) so I'm guessing she's have had better luck there.

• The thing about pple who are shallow and vain is that wen they meet their own kind in the opposite sex they tend to attract! It's not a perfect theory but one wiv a lot of supporting evidence. Imagine Sam running into a chick who didn't give a sh#t! about him and treated him like evry other guy. I can assure you that wen it comes to guyz playing hard to get is sometimes the more productive strategy and wiv Sam it's the only strategy, all Kay's potential girlfriends wud have given Sam a run for his money and in the end we have a couple of consisiting of one determined shallow dude and one conceited chick who absolutely love each other lol.

I'm just making assumptions here but you grab wat I'm talking about! I'm a guy so the status quo dictates that I walk this earth as the first move maker but wen it comes to chicks I think if you want something bad enough it's worth the risk to try and get it but wivout making urself look desperate sha. Some guys are totally oblivious as some chicks are totally immune to pick up lines so a perfect first move for both guys and girls will involve researching your target, good timing, personal boundaries and one hell of an opening line!

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Series Finale: Robby Scribbles and...

The Three Tongues of Censure: A long time ago in a far away land there lived three young disciples who shared two masters each of great wisdom. The older Master was calm, shrewd, slow to anger but vicious in fury and he approached situations wiv a certan calmness and judgement that resolved matters amicably but wasn't afraid to use the hard hand of discipline even though it was rare. The second master was the more impulsive of the two and she was known to allow her temper cloud her judgement even though she compensated wiv a big warm loving heart. The Three Tongues of censure was a weapon whose origin was shrouded in mystery and only one of these great masters was able to attain this powerful weapon of chatisement learning all of it's techniques and using it to great effect on the pupils as a reminder of their training and as a tool of chastisement...this is the story of discipline, obedience, the weapon which imparted all these and it's weilder....MAMA SCRIBBLES!!!

The three Tongues of Censure (TTC) was the most feared thing in my childhood and was my mum's weapon of choice when it came to teaching us a lesson wen someone ended up breaking plates in the house or playing football outside past 6pm or telling lies or sneaking out to buy goody goody 4rm Mallam Musa! It was a tri-mouthed Koboko and it dealt an ass whooping the likes of which Spartans wept over! The thing that tripped me about the TTC was it's location, we never knew where she kept it but wen a whooping needed giving the Koboko came a'callin.
Somedays Me, my younger sis and bro wud ransack the whole house looking for it and we'd never find it but weneva she drove in 4rm work earlier than usual and caught us playing football wiv Tope and Tobi the TTC wud appear a few hours later to handle it's business. The way my mumsy used this thing can only be compared to the way Wolverinee uses his claws, there was a technique involved in summoning the TTC and it usually went like this:
It's 3:34pm and I've just broken the expensive flower vase on the dinning table despite the 15min warning we got the day it was brought home. With Every passing hour since then my fear has heightened and at 6:45pm I'm just a heap of sweat, tears and fright. 7:15pm she drives in 4rm work and my brother and sister run into their room abandoning me, I greet her and using her psychic skills she senses that something is wrong. She gets in the house and notices the dinning table is looking a bit vacant. She asks for the flower vase...I stutter...she asks again reducing the volume and pace of her words....I keep stuttering, her words gather more pace and volume...my eyes begin to water and I hope they can buy me some more painless minutes and ultimately mercy...a futile effort. She tells me to wait in her room and comes in a few seconds after me, as she's staring at me and telling me how she going to whoop me so bad i won't be able to sit for a week (in igbo lanugae cos it's more dramatic) the TTC appears in her hand... I think it's the fear of the impending lashing than distracts me 4rm noticing where she pulls it out 4rm. All I know is when you are told to wait in the room it's like sending a someoen to Guantanamo bay. The TTC is the perfect weapon, it's can mete out long range attacks so when u scamper to the edge of the bed she'll still reach you wiv minimum effort and it can deal devastating short range attacks that will make you reconsider if you are planning to come in on her close enough to grab her and beg for mercy. There us to be a time wen she'd tell me she'd give me 12 strokes and I'd be counting in my mind, by the time she gets to 10 I start to count out loud and then she says "So u are counting, you are not even serious....M piakasi gi aru ehn, e man' sa'aru n'una a ozo" (Translation: I will flog u so bad that you won't be able to take a bath in this house again)

The TTC terrorised us in that house and I took the major share of the terror. My bro and sis didn't get as many whoopings as me cos as a child I was somewhat "Adventurous" and "Curious". My dad never used the TTC cos he never really like the idea of hitting for correction...except wen u lied, my dad flipped wen we lied to him, you cud steal his money, sell his car or soak his TV in water but if he asked you who did it and you lied and he found out it'll be like Zeus zapping a mosquitoe wiv a lightening bolt. My dad was always the one who saved us from beatings from my mum but we weren't always lucky and sometimes you'd commit a crime, she be poised to beat you, my dad wud save you and it'll be like all was forgiven...then by 4am she'll wake u up and in the comfort of your own bed she'd use the TTC and harrass the hell out of ur snitching hide...it was like the Mafia catching a snitch who'd been in witness protection. A few weeks back I was tellin my Uncle, my mum's younger brother, dis story and he just started laughing at me, I asked him why he was laughing and he said that when they were kids their mum (Grandma) use to do the same thing to them and my Mum use to be a very regular victim of the 4am whoopin..."So it's a either family tradition or Revenge!!" I screamed lol

One day I was in the sitting room wiv my mum and we were watching a movie where a kid was telling his mum to shut up and leave his room. We all shook our heads and then my mum goes into this long speech about how kids need a smacking sometimes to set them straight...I just started smiling then I looked at her and said.."Mummy, you know u've flogged me shege in dis life?" She laughed and said that if she hadn't whooped me like dat as a kid I'd be irresponsible and wayward! Well I agree and like a true son of the soil I will continue the tradition...if only my prospective children knew wat was in store for them lol!

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Sir Scribbles in the building....

Hey hope you guyz didn't miss me oh! I was only gone for two posts lol, Mehn all this mushy mushy talk has got me feelin weird and outside myself, so wat's the solution? A trademark post 4rm the unprecedented Sir Scribbles II...

I swear this is the most annoying thing I've experienced in my life, it's one of those things that just tick u off even more cos you can't do anything about it! it's a typical shopping day, I'm standing in a queue at NEXT, patient as always, Ipod in my ear listening to music while staring at the the head of the queue, I've got like eight pple in front of me and the lines moving steadily, ppl are paying for stuff, cashier's collecting the money and giving receipts, NEXT is making millions...typical day! Then I step up to the counter, I drop my stuff, she scans and presses a few buttons, tells me how much I have to pay, I get out my wallet and give her the money (notice how I am cleverly hiding the item and it's amount lol), she takes the money and does the one thing that can wreck my day....she raises it to the light and then rubs it on a piece of papepr until it leaves a red trail on the paper....I swear I wanted to strangle her wiv my earphones...I just watched about ten pple pay for their stuff and she didn't go CSI on their cash, how come the tall Ibo boy gets the "usual suspect treatment". It's not the first time it's happen and wiv every recurring incident I get pissed off even more, I'm buying bread and they check, I'm buying a sandwich and they check, I'm buying a t-shirt and they check...is there like a big infrared poster on my fore head saying "MONEY COUNTERFEITER" sometimes it doesn't get to me but there was this one time a black girl actually did it to me, one young chick like dat at the counter at Argos researched my cash I swear, I felt betrayed lol...in my mind I said "Africa just shed a tear 4 you my dear"

I've got this friend who absolutely loves movies, problem is he doesn't know the way to one cinema, if you give this guy a remote control and tell him to find a movie channel he'll get lost...but he can like to buy pirated DVD ehn! This dude can start his own video club 4rm the amount of bootleg movies he has "BOOTLEGBUSTER". Do u know wat ticks me off the most? he complains about the quality, are u friggin kiddin' me? you spend £5 on a DVD which may cost twice as much in the Cinema or 3-5 months of waiting on a movie channel after the movie has been released. So u saw wolverine wivout the claws, u didn't know how Iron Man's first suit looked and the lighting in Underworld 3 actually made it look like it was filmed in the underworld...go to the friggin Cinema jo! Personally I can't stand cinema dubs and I'd rather wait for a high quality DVD or download lol...but complaining about bootleg DVD's quality is just being unreasonable...one day I'll rent a crappy movie like Dragonball Evolution, lock him in a room and make him watch it over...nd over...nd over again...in HD till he swears he'll never patronise the lil' Asian woman in the market!

A friend told me dis story and it made me laugh my head off for two reasons, one being that it was totally funny and the second being that it's absolutely ridiculous. She says a friend of hers was in a chemistry class and while the teacher wass teaching he was also walking around the class, suddenly he notices that there's a guy who's sitting a bit awkwardly in class so he walks over to the guy's desk, upon closer inspection he realises what the guy's actually doing which is entertaining himself in the class...the Dude was jerking off in class....in a friggin chemistry class. How in the world does someone beat-off in class, a chemistry class for that matter, was it the attractive test tubes on the table, or maybe it was the curvy shaped beakers that reminded him of a women's hips and thighs...but c'mon in class, wiv ur classmates, trust the teacher he didn't ignore it ooo! He snitch on the William like a trademark teacher...I heard that 4rm that day they started callin the dude "Willy W@nk*r" which I find is a very creative name lol

Weight and Size are two things on my "Never discuss wiv a chick" list, I've had my share of experiences wiv these sort of discussion and I can tell you that the part of scripture which says "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" is one of the truest things you'll ever acknowledge. The most memorable incident was in a classroom, I was talking to a couple of girls and one asked me if I like her ring, back then I was young, inexperienced and Naive, if she'd asked me that question now I wud have said "Ofcourse I love it, I haven't been able to take my eyes of it, plus it compliments your beautiful fingers" (I know, I'm awesome right?)...but no! in my most ignorant of moments I said "Mehn chick that thing is so big I can use it as a bangle"(I know, I USE TO be a dumbass). She just stares at me and walks away, I know I've done something wrong here and I presume it's cos I didn't like the ring, 2 days later I find out that I'm wrong, She tells me that the reasosn why she was annoyed wiv me was cos I called her fat...see me see trouble oh! How in the world dis she draw that conclusion, I swear I didn't understand it until after about 15 mins and it took me 2 weeks and a truck load of text messages to get her to forgive me...all through I just kept wondering how the female mind works, for her to infer that I called her fat 4rm a comment on her ring is something that baffles me, led me to conclude that some chicks are infact irrational and unreasonable as well as the establishment of my code of conduct that I never discuss weight or size wiv chicks...even if they tell you they don't mind forget it..it's a trap I swear!...Guyz ur answers shud always be "Nope u don't look fat in that" or "I love you just the way you are" or "No I don't think so, you look fabulous" or ultimately "Surgery? For wat? U look fantastic" anything apart 4rm these and you are on your own naked in a forest wiv the chick hunting ur ass wiv a 12 barrelled grenade laucher!

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Scribbles gone soft...

For the past few days I've been thinking of the perfect way to approach this post, I narrowed it down to two simple ways, I could either write a manuscript and then edit it before posting or simply open a blank page and free style, I chose the latter cos I felt like fresstyling wud actually help me potray my feelings honestly and give me insight to what exactly is going on wiv me...plus I cudn't find a pen! Okay so this is watz up...E don happen again! I think I'm sprung again o! I didn't even realise it till a few hours ago, There's this chick ehn.....

I don't want to give details on how we met cos it's a secret lol, I don't know her name and wasn't even sure she was real for a while but I seemed to connect wiv her on a level that I kinda forgot I cud connect wiv pple on cos I've been out of the game for a while lol. Since my last realtionship I've been kinda scared that if someone came along who'd be perfect I'd be too docile to do anything about it. Have you ever been away 4rm something so long that you start to forget how it feels or how it looks? that's what happened to me btu wiv this chick it started coming back slowly.

She was a different kind of chick, like a seperate strain. Now what you guyz shud know is that I'm not usually one who chases after flocks of women, unfortunately I'm a bit reserved when it comes to the opposite sex cos I'm either too picky or too critical, by the time my friends have gone through three girlfriends I'm stil trying to woo a potential one...it's the way I was built, to be patient and critical cos wen I fall I fall hard. So that's watz be happening in this situation, I haven't felt like this about a chick in a long while, the first time we spoke I cud swear I was speaking to myself, like the chick just understood me and we just clicked. She claimed to beautiful but I really didn't care, brain over boobs I always say and goodness me she has a brain!, my imagination had already drawn up a prototype of how she looked and she tellin me that she looked smashing was evidence that I have a very accurate imagination. I had my doubts initially, I hadn't seen this chick, all I had was a phone number and a voice, it cud be anybody, I was doubtful and excited at the same time, I doubted cos it's my nature to be cautious wiv women and I was excited cos the whole mystery woman was actually trippin me lol. Anyway I got to know her a bit more and it's been wonderful, she's the complete inner beauty package, she's smart, witty, likes the same things wiv me but not everything so it doesn't make things stale and uninteresting, she's making me write a friggin epistle on her jo! I gave her the link to my blog a while back as a simple gesture but now I realise I did it cos for some reason, in my sub-conscious I knew I'd be writting this much later and wanted her to read it, she's read my other stuff and always told me how much she liked the way I write...complimenting my writting is something I can never undrstand, the thing is wen pple tell me I write well, I have a way wiv words or I'm funny, I don't get it, sometimes wen pple leave thsese kind of comments on my posts I have to actually re-read the post and just to know if I can grab what they are talking about, I guess it's like wen u spray perfume or cologne, U can't really smell it and think it's not there but wen pple walk past you they say you smell nice. Okay so this chick loves the way I write and I love the way she expresses herself, she talks about herself and her experiences and I can relate to them, wen we talk I can feel her in the conversation, like Neo felt wen he first understood the matrix lol, it's a corny line yes I know but that's d way I feel wen I talk to her, No bullshit, no need for pick up lines, no strategies, tactics or timelines...no need for pretence, I told her I wasn't going to sweet talk her of try and flirt wiv her but what I was going to do was tell her wat was going on in my head in real time, I'd tell her as e dey do me and hope it had the right effect, I don't need to pretend wiv her, instead of constantly thinkin of funny lines and witty chatter to keep us engaged I simply flow...I'm myslef and she's herself, were natural and I love it. I thot that tellin her I liked her wud push her away, I'm a bit insecure wen it comes to my feelings cos like I said I fall hard and my very fragile ego can't handle standing out in the cold nude while everyones stares and laughs if you get wat I mean (I am soooo sounding like a chick right now lol)...but a while back I simply said screw insecurity...I told her and even though she didn't say the exact same words I was comfortable wiv her answer, I want to make her like me, it makes me feel like I connect more wiv someone if I enter into that person's life as a stranger and we grow and learn together into familiarity and compatibility. As if I hadn't been whipped enuf I got a glimpse of her, not in her entirety, just a fraction of herself, why dis girl dey do me like dis ehn?...okay so I have thing for chicks who wear glasses, didn't even remember that I had a thing for glassees till I saw her, she wears glasses...can she be anymore perfect for crying out loud lol!

Mehn I cud go on and on about this chick but I won't,, I'm attracted to her and I'm actually praying she likes me d same way, problem is we haven't met so I don't know if I shud be feeling this way, like it's against culture or something, I have a voice, a phone number and a face and you'd think I wud have set up a meet by now but circumstances are stalling my plans. I slept last night thinking of writting this post and I woke up this morning wondering why I didn't write it yesterday...I hope I did myself justice on this cos I'd be harming myself if I discover I didn't, that there were things I shud have said but didn't...I'm not even going to edit this or spell check (as if I ever do it in other posts lol). Much love to everyone who read my previous rant and commented lol...don't even think for a second that seeing me like that will become a frequent thing!

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Robby wivout Scibbles....

Now I know what you've come to expect in a typical post from "Sir Scribbles" but I'm hoping this will turn out a bit different, I want to change the mood a little even if it's for a just this post, I want you to delve deeper into me. I want to tell you about myself wivout the funny phrases and comical methapors...this isn't something I planned but just felt I shud do so I'd be bare myslef for you all even though I might not truly strip myslef completely...let me begin....

My ex said something to me while we were still together and it's stuck wiv me for a very long time and I'm guesing since I still remember it now it'll probably stick wiv me even longer, we'd been together unofficially for about 2yrs and one day she just said "Robert, you are not being open wiv me, I've seen the way you are in a room filled wiv pple, you're the funny guy who's everyone's friend and I've seen you in a room wiv just the two of us...I think somewhere in between those two pple I saw, when you are alone and left wiv only your thoughts as company, you are a totally different person, I think U have this facade which you use to cloak urself and stuff that bothers you...when will you drop it for me?" (She didn't say it so eloquently though...that's just me being awesome lol). I thought about it for a while, yes I kept a lot of things to myself, I didn't let a lot of personal feelings escape and I never actually share myself wiv pple, I realised that the way my mind aqnd the way I translated it into actions made pple comfortable around me, I never shared personal things and always kept my emotions bottled up, I was able to blend wiv any group of pple but I had principles that kept my feet planted firmly on the ground...it was cos of this observation 4rm my ex that I actually decided to change, I decided to open up even more but not leave a gaping hole where my wall use to be, it's normal to keep some things secret but it's even better to share your feelings wiv pple especially wen they can understand and relate to it. Why I am saying all this? it's cos I have aspirations, wants, needs and fears, I am Human even though I seem awesome lol, I speak 4rm my heart here and my head is just translating it to readable words...I have loved and felt love, I have hated and felt hate, I have fears and they seem to overshadow me but I have the will to strive and thrive, I have failed in things and learnt how to succeed, I have fallen many times , shed tears and screamed in pain only to get back up again and stagger onwards into a strut. I use to be somewhat proud and I will not lie, I was smart, comfortable and irresponsible but I realised I cud not claim to be smart and still be riddle wiv bouts of irresponsiblity and pride, I learnt this cos I was humbled, I was shown the error of my ways and I had to get with the program of lose what I called an existence in the blink of an eye.
I use to be scared of things as well, I'm scared of failing, of being average, of being used cos I love pple to much and of being taken for granted cos I commit myself heartedly. I'm scared of living on the border and nt taking my chances at personal evolution...but that was in the past, I am still scared as any human wud be but I realised that fear is what stops pple 4rm ever trying and achieving anything, fear keeps you locked up when the keys are in your hands, fear tells you to sit down when everyone else is standing...I use to be afraid of a lot of things but now the fear fuels me. I am not perfect, far 4rm it, I'd like to say I have frequent epiphanies and during this moments I attain more insight into who I am, who I need to be and what I am here for...I am here to Love, Serve, Grow and Gain!

I seriously don't know what made me post this and I'm guessing it won't be a frequent,thing cos it's a side of me that never really shows itself. I just felt I shud share myself wiv you, I felt like y'all had only seen one side of me and needed to see this as well....that's it really!

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Episode 5: Robby Scribbles and...

The Asian Connection...The fact That I can't cook has been established since the dawn oof this blog, I can now do d basic sha, like boil rice and all that but if you don't leave a pot of stew or soup then you are the epitome of Hitler...Btw PROPS TO MY LIL SIS' COS IF NOT FOR YOU HUNGER FOR DON KILL ME! the man that will marry that girl will have to settle me big time!!

One day I asked her to teach me how to make stew and like d science student I am I told her to write it down as elaboratly as she could step bt step, she wrote everything for me and at the top was the heading "COOKING FOR DUMMIES"...apparently I'm not the only one wiv a sense of humour in dis family.

It started as a simple family outing, if we were celebrating anything we'd usually go down to this lil' chinese restaurant and stuff our faces wiv oriental cuisine, then someone suggested we make it a regular thing, The first time was to celebrate somneone's graduation from high skool, the second was someone's birthday, the third time was someone's new job...nd then the visits got more frequent, slowly I was being dragged into a life of dependance and addiction, I've never been a drinking man, never smoked a stick in my life, never sniffed, inhaled and jabbed myself either, but this had broken through all my defences and turned me intoa maniac...My name is Robby Scribbles...and I'm addicted to Chinese food lol

We'd be there about 5 times or more, I cudn't get it out of my head, the way chicken chow mein had messed up my system still baffled me, I cudn't stop imaging it, I cudn't stop tasting it in my mouth, the long strands of oriental goodness had overrun my thoughts, the thick lumps of pork and chicken around it, the crystal coloured spring onions poppin out of corner of the plate...I swear I was hoooked. Speedy Noodles was a good 1 hour away 4rm the house, I thought of walking all d way there but changed my mind...d cold outside sef no dey friendly! They'd left me alone at home again, Sis was in skool, everyone else's at work, did they leave food? NO! did they leave money for food? NO! did they want me to starve to death...maybe! I stood by the window staring at the lil' Chinese restaurant across the street...MR WONG's Chinese restaurant was callin me...I swear the letters on his sign board were callin my name, I pulled out my wallet and stared at the few notes in it...dis was food money for skool d next day...Subway for lunch was the plan...no room for contingencies. I tried I tell you, I resisted for a good 2 hours...but MR WONG's Chicken Chow mein was callin me and I cud hear it's voice crystal clear in my ears...even if na chinese en dey speak I still understand! I couldn't take it anymore, I gave into the temptation, I walked into the restaurant and the girl at the counter was smilimng at me...did she know? I think she did! she knew I was addicted! She cud see it in my eyes, especailly wen I recited my order wivout staring at the menu..."I'd like the Special Chicken Chow mein, extra spicy wiv a side order of spicy pork pieces, stripped chicken pieces and spare ribs in pecking sauce. Throw in a couple of prawn crackers and chicken wings as well", "anything else?" she asked...why did I feel annoyed when she asked me that...I felt like she was mocking me, like she knew I cudn't resist a can of Rubican Mango juice, well I cudn't. I pay for my fix, grab my pack like a crack addict and head home. 5mins later and I'm in pure heaven...oh I go hear am 4 skool 2moro...I'll have to drink water all day to stay within my budget for the week...sorry Subway but I'm sprung 4 MR WONG! The next day I'm at skool and a notice a classmate of mine who hadn't been in skool 4 a while so I go over to say hello, Ami says she'd been in china for the chinese new year that's why she hadn't been in skool, She says she brought something for me and pulls out a lil packet 4rm her bag...it's contents are all to familiar...it's chow mein in a pack!...ready made!...in a pack!...they sell it in a pack like Pringles or Walkers over there!....I soooooo love China!

Two weeks pass and I haven't had a chinese meal all through, I've had Indomie but it's just not d same now is it? I'm cured, I'm free from my dependence on chinese cuisine...or so I thought. The week before a few friends and I decided to see a movie but had to postpone it, it's friday today and we're doing it this sunday. Sunday after church I call one of them and they tell me to meet them at Ilford cos there's a cinema there, 30mins later I arrive and we're all walking down to the cinema, we pass by a few stores and my nose twitches involuntarily, then one of my friends makes a suggestion..."Are you sure we shud see a movie?" she asks "shud we just have lunch at this chinese restaurant" she points behind me and I turn around to find out I'm standing in front of a chinese restaurant...Oh no! I say to myself. Everyone agrees we shud bust the movie and have lunch there instead...if only they knew. We walk in and I'm hit wiv another surprise...it's a buffet! O MY GOOD LORD! A friggin BUFFET!...I don die! I survey the the spread quickely and I spot my favs....Chicken Chow Mein? check! Spare ribs? Check!...Every every? check !!! I'm like a friggin assasin wiv dis stuff, first round, then second, then third...I'm getting my fix and these people just think we're having lunch. I get home that evening and I tell my Sis about the killa chinese Buffet I went to, she in turn (as usual) tells my aunt who tells her husband (house of snitches) My Uncle just laughs it off but what he doesn't realise it that this is no joking matter...from that day onwards I cudn't get that restaurant out of my head. A few days later I'm walking down Ilford high street wiv my uncle and he says he's hungry, I'm about to suggest Nando's or Pizza Hut of friggin Maccy D's but he throws in the Chinese food proposal and I'm powerless to resist. We're in again and I swear I saw the cashier smiling, it's friggin cosnspiracy and all the Asian restaurants are in on it, they know how much I love Chicken Chow mein so they've probably informed all the other Chinese restaurants about me, I can imagine Ninjas jumping 4rm rooftops delivering letters to every Chinese restaurant wiv "Latest Mugu" written on d envelopes"...however we are in the 21st century so it'd be cheaper to send d message by email lol. Ofcourse it's a conspiracy, how come when I'm at a chinese restaurant my order is always served quicker than others?...they've probably got a special cooker and frying pan labelled wiv my name "TALL IGBO BOY WHO CAN'T GET ENOUGH" or "BLACK DUDE WHO LOOKS AWESOME BUT LOVES OUR SH&T" lol. A few days back I was walking past Mr. Wong's and he calls me in and gives me a calendar, I nearly smack him upside the head wiv it, what does he mean sef?, dat I don chop so much Chow Mein that I need a schedule d meals now? or I've spent so much money in his restaurant that he wants to reward me? if he wanted to reward me he should give me the recipe for the damn thing....It's been exactly 24hrs since my last Chinese meal...I'm going hard and I'm going strong...then while typing this up I was listening to Edwin Starr's song "War" and then I remembered Jackie Chan singin it in Rush Hour 1...suddenly I get the craving again....it's exactly 3:43am and I want Chow Mein!...from a friggin song about war? This is pathetic!

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Another tour of Scribblenation

For those of you not familiar wiv Scribblenation it's a name I gave the way my mind works and its entirety as articulatly random construct. My mind works in a very arbitrary way and these are just some of the thoughts I was able to scribble for you to read before they were replaced by other random thoughts. Being a bit open minded, less critical and more objective may help you enjoy this post even more...

I was wiv some friends a few days back and they were all having a go at Michelle Willimas coz she wasn't singin gospel anymore and had moved back into the secular zone. They said she was a hypocrite and she wasn't doing well that's why she decided to return to the musical form of her fellow siblings of destiny. I told them not to lay into the chick too much jo cos she wasn't the first....See Ma$e for instance, the friggin guy had a church 4 crying out loud, every sunday pple wud dress up and carry their bibles to his church, listen to him preach, receive salvation, pray for miracles and give offerings only to find out that their pastor and general overseer was rocking the G-Unit bling wiv Mr. Ferrari himself. Imagine how they felt, some pple wud lose faith in the religion altogether just cos of what he did. Imagine a family who missed church on sunday, the following week parents have gone to work and kids are at skoool, in the evening during family hour Popsy is flicking through the channels on TV and passes MTv base, all of a sudden he stops and flicks back cos he just saw his pastor screaming G-G-G-G-G-Unit wiv a booty shaking mama on his lap! That family will go pagan so fast Angels in heaven won't even notice. Then there's the case of Mr. R-Fiesta singin-Girl scout lovin-Kelly, Mr Kelly has switched sides so many times that heaven is running out of erasers. Today he's had an epiphany and can't do wivout our lord and then 2moro he's doing a collabo wiv Yung Jeezy about hustlin and trappin. Don't get me wrong I'm not judging any of these pple or the music they make, my ipod playlists will prove that, but it's very confusing when pple go clubbin on saturday night and dance to "Thoia thoing" and "Rewind that" then on sunday they go for third service and the choir is singin "Spirit" during d worship session lol!

Everytime I put on the news channel I see Obama wiv a new wrinkle on his forehead, there's always one group of pple opposing his ideas and opinions, there's always someone criticising him and his policies. I bet Bush is sitting down in his sitting room wiv d remote in his hand smiling and saying "Shey u think sey e eazy, oya solve d problem now! U dey shout YES WE CAN shey, u think sey na beans!" Throughout the campaign I'm sure Oga Obama thot it'd be easy, if he didn't then I'm sure he didn't think it'd be dis hard. McCain must be breathing a sigh of relief, that old man would not have lasted 3 months in dat office wivout doctors prescribing heart medicine. I was just imagining the inauguration day, Bush was just waiting for everyone to finish giving their speeches and the entertainment to be over it, then he pulls Obama to one side and slaps a bunch of keys into his hands saying "Okay dude these are the keys to all d bedrooms, the oval office and the presidential attic, take care of the house o! By the way I messed up the economy, started a war I can't finish and made a bunch of international enemies but they're just hating cos America's flossin', lock up wen u r done....Peace!" I just pray he does well while in office and doesn't fall the hand of the whole black race (even though he's mixed) cos if Obama venture-try-think of messing up black pple can kiss the the white house goodbye until all d white pple leave us here and migrate to the moon.

So it's official , I can't use the word Swag or swagger anymore, the term has been so badly molested and battered that I can't use it in public anymore wivout a personal social infraction, Everywhere you look pple are attaching swag to their sentences, pple are sticking prefixes and suffixes around the word so much it's giving Wole Soyinka a migraine, every facebook status has got a swag tag, who do I blame, I blame Mo Hits, DJ Khaled and co. and most of all Limewire lol. There use to be a time wen if you said the word swagger in a conversation pple had to start flippin dictionaries and ransacking google, now U say Swa' and 20 pple echo "Swagger". Pple who have it don't say it except their using it to make money like Naeto C and co. If you have to say it before it is noticed then I'm sorry but u r not in possession of any form, manner, type or prototype of swagger!

So the song is Fokasibe ehhhhn! as in I created a playlist, put only this song in it and set it on repeat, I've heard pple using the slang a couple of times but never bothered, one day I was curious and youtubed d tune...it took me 15 seconds to get hooked, i played it all through the night and sang it all through the next day, I'm vacuuming d room, Fokasibe! I'm blogging, Fokasibe! I'm taking a shower, Fokasibe! Manchester United won d league 4 d third year in a row tellin Liverpool to kiss monkey butt, Fokasibe! I sha like d song nd I'm beggin pple not to overkill the slang o! We're already mourning the death of "swagger" so leave "Fokasibe" for the more considerate folk please!

Mehn dudes who use cheesy pick up lines are killing us, don't they realise their making the job harder for us guyz who try to be more creative. Theoretically, you can't sweep a girl of her feet if she's crouching on the floor wiv her hands over her ears cos some lame broda said something like "Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns"or "Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he's missing an angel!". C'mon guyz you are strengthening their immune system, before you can chat up a chick these days u need a degree in human psychology, they see us comin 4rm a mile away and are already running through about 50 standard cheesy pick up lines in their heads. Brodas please help the specie and lay off the crappy pick up lines please, I won't suggest any other techniques lest you take them and turn them 4rm cheeky to cheesy lol. I personally can't use a pick up line except it's my own creation and even wiv that I have to do some mad googling before I take it out for a field test!

My life has turned into a Live Blog draft update, everyday I'm looking for stuff to write about, I get on the bus and I want the woman wiv the baby to smack the driver for not letting her on so I can type a quick draft on my phone and post it later, I walk into a store and I want to see expired goods on the shelf so I can yap about it on my blog, I come home and I want the house to be on fire so I can update my blog before the laptop burns to ashes lol, okay I don't really want my house to burn down but you get the picture...I SAID IT'S A JOKE JOO!....OYA GO AND TELL NA! lol . Seriously, I walk around wiv a virtual blog in my head, if I see, hear, feel anything I make a quick draft and post it later....I'm lovin this life pple! BTW I just wanted to post this before I continue the "Robby Scribbles and..." series, next episode: The Asian connection!

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Episode 4 (Part 2): Robby Scribbles and....

Previously on Robby Scribbles and...

The last time we saw our hero, Scribbbles, he was in a very ominous situation, one of his new roommates, Captain Stinky Toes, had decided to take over the air ways by launching a secret biological weapon rendering our protagonist nasally redundant. Our hero managed to escape the clutches of the malevolent Captain Stinky Toes and took refuge in a friend's room but as fate would have it a reshuffling of student accomodation and a mix-up in alternate realities thrusts our hero into the same precarious situation again but this time in a new room and wiv only CST as a roommate...What will our hero do? Find out now in the concluding segment of Captain Stinky Toes: Scourge of the Air ways!


...This na serious situation, I don't think I can survive in that room wiv CST, one must live and one must die I swear. I'm sitting on my adopted bed in AY's room trying to put together a plan that'll get me put of this mess when CST walks into the room, he's smiling and xcited about us being roommates, he says he'll move in a few days after me cos he's got to tidy up a few things first. I smile as he tells everyone how happy he is that he got a correct roommate and not some weirdo..."Oh now he's just trying to make me feel guilty" I say to myself, "Look at him, he' so happy that I feel guilty, nothing dey happen! I can't treat him like dis jo! Shey na roommate we go be, if e too much I go just move out again tell am sey I no like the new room"


Now we've all moved to out new rooms, AY's room is just down the corridor and CST hasn't moved in yet. I decide to get bug spray 4rm the shopping mall cos the mosquito wey dey bite me 4 dat room dey carry knive cut pesin body. I head down to the shopping mall and on my way there I run into CST. He says he hopes I'm keeping the room warm 4 him...That was like d gayiest thing I'd heard that whole month. He says he'll move in in the next two days and I cringe, he should have given me at least a week's notice so I could prepare myself lol. I'm at the shopping mall paying 4 d bug spray and then I sight some air fresheners, I take 3 cans of Ambi pur, and a bag of camphor all I could here in my head was "Two days...Two days...Two days" I get back to the room and I use the bug spray, at least I go sleep well this night. About 45 minutes l8r I go back in and start lacing the room wiv camphoor, under the beds, in the wardrobes, under tables, I'm throwing camphor anywhere I feel is relevant, it's like I'm planting land mines in a war.


Oga has moved in and the Camphor is not working, this time he doesn't even keep the shoes by the window anymore he just drops them on the flow but this is the only problem, unfortunately the room has just one key and students are prohibited 4rm making copies so roommates have to share a key. Oga is never in the room and this leads to several incidents where he's at a lecture and I'm locked out of the room or I come back late and he's slept off wiv d door locked, the only way to get into the room when you don't have the key is to climb through a little window above the big window beside the door...imagine a whole me dey climb through window wiv my legs flailing frantically as pple try to help me get into my own room. As if I didn't have enough to deal wiv he's got this new attitude, he says I come back to the room too late and he can't leave d door open 4 me, I tell him I can't be here any earlier cos I read in a friend's room and we don't finish studying till late (We play Pro evolution till about 2am lol) I tell him he can lock the door but keep the key on the window near the door so i can reach it. Then he says I listen to music too loud and he doesn't like it, then he says I bring too many pple into the room and it's not safe...so in summary he called me a nuisance who's friend's cannot be trusted...as if that one wasn't enuf he finally took pissing me off to a whole new level by telling me I had to be in the room by 12am topz and my friends had to leave the room by 12:30am....This one just drove me crazy, I swear I've never been so angry in my whole life ass a Uni student...OMO! I start to crazre for room, I was screaming and yelling at him like I was a mad man, I can't remember everything I said but I remember saying something like "Oga since na pikin u dey find plenty girls dey skool wey fi' help you out, We be roommates o! U no be landlord and I no be employee, so 2moroif I reach room by 3am and the key no dey window anything wey happen take am like dat...U don shit 4 church wiv dis nonsense wey u don talk hope sey u know?". Pple have gathered around my room by now and witness my motivational speech, I storm out of the room feeling kool like I've laid down the law and return to crash a few minutes later.


The following night I come back to the room around 2:30am, Oga has locked the door and is crashing, I open the window and start screaming his name, "CST! CST!!! CST!!!" no answer...the only simile suitable to describe d way he sleeps is that he sleeps like he's dead. I holla for almost five minutes and then I realise the only way to wake him up is to friggin stone him to consciousness, I take off one of my shoes and fling it at him, it misses, I take off the other one and fling it again, it hits him n the back, no response, I take find an empty plastic bottle of water and fling it at him, hits him on the leg, no response...I wish sey I get catapult! Now I'm walking round he hostel looking for something I can use to wake him up, mosquitoes have obviously seen a walking buffet cos they didn't waste anytime biting the crap out of me and that just pisses me off even more, I come across this very long plastic pipe, I'm so sleepy, itchy and annoyed now that wen I see the pipe it's like it's glowing wiv a big exclamation mark above it and an invisible choir singing "Halleluyah!!!" I pick it and sleep-itch-walk back to my room. I slide d pipe through the window and I 'wakashiki' d dude on his thigh wiv d pipe, he just mumbles and changes sleeping position, I think of hitting him on head but I'm not that heartless, then I wakashiki him on the back and he opens one eye, he sees me and finally opens the door. By this time the window has been open for about 30-45min and all d mosquitoes seeking revenge cos I killed their comrades wiv bug spary have flown into the room. I wake up the next morning scratching every angle possible and oga is till crashing like a baby. I've noticed that the mosquitoes only bite me in d room, it's like they take one look at him and immediately opt for the Ajebo igbo boy blood lol, like there's a general mosquito law that in my room CST's body is a No-go area! Anyway I decide to lay it on CST today, I'm friggin tired and frustrated so I wait for him to wake up and as honestly as I possibly can tell him about his shoes and how he's tortured me since d first day we became roommates, I tell him in very elaborate detail about the stench and how it's causing global warming, I tell him about his attitude and how friggin frustrated I am, I tell him every every and all through he's just staring at me like I'm his daddy and I caught him stealing money 4rm my wallet. Unbelievably the dude says he knows that his shoes smell and he thought I didn't notice that's why he never bothered to ask (I immediately flashback to the first day he put his shoes by the window na di told him i ran away cos of a bee) He says he'll try and curb the smell and he was very sorry. Then he tells me why he's been in such a bad mood and behaving like an ass, apparently he's been chasing this chick in my class and she was giving him a real run for his money, she had successfully turned him into a slobbering heap of emotions and he was just too confused to know how to tackle her, she had been frontin for so long now that he cudn't think straight...my own question is why I had to suffer cos he cudn't land d chick lol. Anyway, he aks if I can turn into a spy for him and if I can be giving her lil love letters 4rm him...agbaya like me will now turn to MTN abi na T-mobile and be delivering messages between them...No thank you!

In the end if I had just told him 4rm day one that his shoes stank maybe all this frustration could have been avoided...but if I did this story wud never have existed and instead of reading about Captain Stinky Toes you'd be reading about how many girlfriends I've had which I assure you is not an impressive number. BTW I'm thinking of adding one of those music player widgets but the thing is when I visit other blogs and they've got music playing I have to pause their players first so I can read the posts, I've never been able to read while music is playing but I realise everyone is not like me. Just wanted to know if y'all think I shud add it or just leave my blog as awesome as it already is lol. Holla

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Episode 4: Robby Scribbles and...

Captain Stinky Toes: Scourge of the Airways: In all my years as an undergraduate I've encountered a variety of pple as roommates. I've lived wiv them all, The pastors and The porn watchers, The Book worms and the loafers, the reasonable and the senseless, the lucid and the insane but of all the roommates I've ever had Captain Stinky toes (CST) was by far the most testing and frustrating of them all. We started out as 4 in a room, I, Captain stinky toes and two others who are irrelevant to this story. 4rm the first day I walked into that room I knew I was going to get homicidal, fortunately my friends were next door so I usually spent my time over there. The other two roommates were cool, they never bothered anyone cos one of them slept all day and the other was never in skool. However Captain stinky toes wasn't so neglible, he was awake most of the time and always in skool lol. He was an engineering student and was a damn good one...I wonder why he never built a machine that sucked the belly churning odour that came 4rm his shoes, or shud I say boots, those things were too massive to be called shoes. Anyway, the first time I ever noticed the smell was when I was on my laptop one day and he came in 4rm lectures, my desk and bed were in front of the window btw, it's 6ish and he'd been out all day, we exchange hollas and I continue writting a computer programme to multiply pascal factors by exponential relative variables (I was watching FRIENDS lol). He starts to undress, takes off his shoes and drops them by the window and 10secs later as the devil would have it a gentle breeze blows into the room, I don't notice it at first, the odour was subtle as it was carried by the breeze 4rm the boots to my nose, my nose twitches 4 a second and then the full blast hits me, the stench is horrible, I drop to the floor and scurry to the other side of the room on all fours, CST is looking at me like I'm mental and asks if everything is alright, I shud have said it there, I shud have told him his shoes smelt like a skunk had eaten another skunk and farted but I didn't, instead I said "Nooooo! One nonsense bee almost sting me 4rm window". I don't understand how pple wiv smeely feet can't seem to notice the odour. Some days I just cudn't stay in the room and I'd be next door wiv my friends all day. When pple came to visit me the first thing they'd say was "Guy, Wetin dey smell 4 ur room like this?". If he wasn't in the room I'd tell them it was his shoes, if he was in the room the Mad man wud say "I no know oo! the thing don dey smell since we move into this room".

2 months pass and I've slowly started to dislike CST, not cos of his character, it's just cos he can't wake up and smell his own stinky shoes. Now I'm looking for a reason to move out, I'm planning to move to my friends room wiv my mattress and sleep on the floor if I have to, all I need is a genuine reason, a reason that won't give my true motive away, a reason that will put an end to the nasal molestation I was receiving and still leave us as cordial friends after I pack the hell out. A week later all d engineering students are given mini-projects, they are told to build a lil' transformer (I think) and half the class is oblivious to how to approach it. Captain Stinky Toes ends up building and selling transformers to students and his making a lot of money as well as filling our room wiv wires, plugs, batteries and all dat. One day I'm taking a nap after lectures, oga is building another transformer and his shoes are at the window again, the stench is just unbearable and I can't even shut my eyes for 5 minutes wivout the toxic gas waking me up, I'm irritated and annoyed when all of a sudden the transformer his building explodes, not a biiiig explosion oh! just a lil' one that injures his fingers and makes a loud BOOOOM! I'm out the door before you can say "Al Qaeda" I'm on the corridor laughing at him and then it hits me..."This is my chance, this is the reason to leave the room, Robby take it! take it!" I start to protest "Guy are you trying to kill us?, I see it's no longer safe to live wiv you. I'm moving over to AY's room 4 d rest of the session. Be like sey u no wan make I graduate 4 dis skool? your lecturer talk sey make una build transformer but oversabi like you dey build bomb! I no do again guy I dey move comot! See as you don turn thsi room to garage, pple go think sey we be electricians for this room, I don leave the room 4 you so if you wan blow urself just dey blow dey go!" Ofcourse AY next door knew my plight so we were all rejoicing wen I moved out wiv my mattress and laptop (my most valued possesions at the time lol) It was a sign 4rm above and I took it, we were still friends and the room didn't stop smelling but I has free, I had been emancipated 4rm Captain Stinky Toes and I cud breath clean air again.

3 weeks later the Skool Admin. annonces that all students in our year were to be moved into a different hostel and instead of being 4 in a room we'd be just two, we're all excited and praying for correct roommates, the rooms were a bit smaller but it was d price to pay 4 having just one roommate insteaad of 3, some pple dey even try bribe Hostel supervisor sef! (Naija! corruption everywhere). A few days later the list of new room allocations and roommates is out. I check for my name and spot it, Room 607 on the top floor of the new hostel wiv a crazy view of the skool, now it's time to find my roommate, it's not arranged categorically so I have to scan the whole sheet to find my new roommate, I'm running my fingers through the listed rooms trying to find my new room number and the corresponding name and then I land on Room 607 again and the nam beside it....CAPTAIN STINKY TOES!!!!

Can Scribbles survive this new pairing? Will Captain Stinky Toes ever smell his own feet? Will Scribbles cut off his toes in d middle of the night? Find out in the concluding segment of Episode 4!

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Episode 3: Robby Scribbles and....

Warning: If you find this an unbloggable post and think I shudn't be talking about this cos it's unethical in a way then I suggest you read the blog description again lol. Enjoy sha...

Robby Scribbles and....

The Public lecture of doom...12:17pm, Just finished a lecture/torture on Algorithm Analysis and as usual Dr. E was a pain in the posterior, I head over to the skool cafeteria wiv a bunch of friends, we all have a plate of rice, two pieces of meat that are so small I thot they were weevils and one boiled egg each, we eat to our 'unsatisfaction'by 1:25pm I'm in my room in my room kit (T-shirt and shorts) and ready to crash till I hear crickets when the PA systems blasts the most annoying announcement across the hostel...

"Good day students...All of you is required to assembly at the School Chapel for Public Lecture by 3pm, you are all require to be there by 2:30 latest in order to keep early. Thank you"

"KAI!!! Oga Tolu no sabi speak english to save en life" I'm so annoyed right now that I decide to bust the public lecture, but if they take attendace the skool will decide to bust my education as well...there's no incentive but I think a 4 week suspension is motivation enough. I dress up again and I head for the school chapel annoyed and sleepy. Halfway there I get that familiar unusual bowel movement that signals I need to do a number 2..."must be the egg" I say. I ignore it, I'm a grown man and I bet I can hold it of till after the lecture. I continue my journey and my bowels relax. I've taken a seat on the last row in the chapel, the lecture is on "Psychology and the Nigerian mentality", I didn't need a lecture for this, I know wat the nigerian mentality is, If you see a policeman think of him as a toll gate, if you see lit light bulb give Nepa 30 more minutes, if you see an unemployed graduate multiple him by a 100...a public lecture on this is totally pointless. Anyway, I'm seating there wiv my lil' Sudoku book, pple have filed into the hall now and my row is filled up wiv me seated somewhere in d middle...then it hits me, that irregular bowel movement again, I try to hold it off, I try to ignore it, but it's not having any of it, it starts to overwhelm me and I immediately excuse myself, I get to the exit and this usher stops me telling me I can't leave cos the lecture is about to start, I try to reason wiv d dude but he's being all official and my bowels aren't feeling very respectful today so I just push him aside in a manner that says "I'm sorry but you are being an arse" The first thing on my mind is to rush back to the hostel and do a number 2 there but as I'm speed-walking past the library I realise that I might not make it and risk nose-diving my social status cos I cudn't do a number 2 in the chapel loo. I have to think fast now, I can rush back to the chapel commodes but it doesn't have tissues, it never does, like someone's always going there to steal it for their own homes, I suspect Dr. E., this means I have to stop at the skool shopping mall, buy a roll of tissue and rush back to the loos before I implode. I take two steps and my bowels assist my conclusion that my next destination will be where I number 2 so it's not advisable to stop anywhere else apart 4rm a loo. I start jogging back to the chapel, I don't know how I'll do it but I have to get to the chapel first, the issue of tissue is a bridge I'll cross wen I get there. As I jog towards the chapel I spot Sam, if you remember Sam 4rm my previous posts you'll know that he's a shallow, cold hearted loveless fellow but he's my friend so I grab him by the shirt and give him a speech Martin Luther wud have empathized over.

"Sam, U gatz to help me my brother, Wahala dey o! as you see me so I wan number 2 like mad and I dey run go white house (toilet) for chapel. the problem na sey I no get tissue so I you go fi' help me buy tissue for shopping mall bring am for me abeg?"

"HAHAHA! Guy so na number 2 dey worry u like dis, Ajebo! Where the money?" he asks

"Guy just buy am I go give you money wen I reach hostel, I no get time to dey comot wallet for here guy u no see as I dey stand like person wey get polio"

"Guy be like sey u neva wan number 2 yet! I no get One kobo ontop me now so if you need d tissue better comot ur wallet"

I pull out my wallet and give Sam N100 which at the time cud buy me 5 rolls and before I jog off I pull him close to me, I stare at him straight in his eyes and wiv the most sincere expressions on my face and sternest of voices I say to him "Guy...I'm counting on you!" and I run off like it's a scene 4rm a friggin war movie and I just left my family to fight d Germans lol! All the students are at the public lecture so definetly me runnig up and down the campus attracts attention and guess who decides to stop me for interrogation...the Arse Usher, he grabs my arm and starts firing questiosn at me asking me why I'm running and why I left the chapel and telling me he was going to write a report about me, I told him to go right ahead cos I had more pressing issues but this dude just wanted to be right up there wiv Dr. E. as d assholes in my life cos he then tells me I have to follow him to the chapel office or he'll report me to a member of staff...now I've had it, I wrench myself free and scream at him "Guy I want to number 2 and you are stopping me, do u want me to do it on your shoes? if not leave me alone jooooo!!!!" The 'jo' echoes as I run towards the toilet and I'm sure pple heard me but I don't care, right now my situation was bordering around dire. I arrive at the loo and the big sign in front of the entrance read "OUT OF ORDER" I nearly collapse, I ask the janitor if the loo on d other side is usable and he says he doesn't know cos he just clocked in...FYI: The distance between me and other side is like running across a soccer pitch. I have no choice, I'm running to the loo on d other side afraid and praying my bowels don't fall my hand in public, I pass Arse Usher and he acts like he doesn't see me, wise decision, he must really like his shoes. I get to the toilet and it's open and I handle my business while thanking God for saving me from a serious faux pas. Now I wait, I wait for Sam to honour his word and bring my friggin tissue, paranoia creeps in, "what if he doesn't bring it" "What if he gets to the first loo, sees it's not working and heads back to the hostel?" "What if he runz wiv my friggin' money?" "What if I'm here all day waiting for this Maga to bring Tissue?" "Sam don run wiv my money, bloody boy I go kill am..." Like the sound of a microwave bell to a hungry man so was the sound of Sam's voice to my ears "Robby!" he shouted "Yes!" I replied trying to hide my elation. "Which one you dey?" He asked. "The last one jo, I think sey u don run wiv my money". "Guy I for run but I no fi leave you for toilet as per you be my guy" we laugh together. He throws the tissue over the door of my stall and almost like in slow motion it flies over the door and I catch it.

I'd like to say that it all ended well and I lived happily ever after but unfortunately it didn't. In addition to being harrased by a member of staff accusing me of assaulting an usher and truancy (Arse Usher snitched on me) I had to endure a whole semester of torture from Sam, like I said he's a cold-hearted sucker and whenever two or three were gathered Sam never let the opportunity of telling this very interesting and embarrasing story to everyones's amusement pass. At least this public humiliation is better than the one I could have suffered imagine all my years of working and toiling on my social standing only to lose it to a friggin boiled egg!

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Episode 2: Robby Scribbles and...

The cursed Text message...There are some things you need to know first before I go on, I spent 4 yrs in Uni, my life in Uni was divided into two, the first two years and the last two years. The first two years can be tagged as my cavalier, lousy unserious period, I thot uni was a vacation spot and didn't really care much for the academic environment. The final two years were very different....and it's all cos of the cursed text message.

It's the end August, we're in the UK for the summer holidays and it's time to go back home, during the vacation I've been in constant contact wiv this girl I fancy in school, I mean almost everyday we're talking on the phone or texting each other but now I'm broke, no money on me or credit in my phone, I just want to go back to naija. One day I'm so pressed to talk to her or send her a text even but there's no credit in my phone, so I wait...I wait till late in d night to use my mum's phone, she's always got credit on it so she won't notice if she's a few pence short cos of my text, wen i'm done i'll delete the text...It's d perfect plan. It's 3am in d morning and I'm sending this heartfelt mushy mushy text to the chick, the text's got everything, smileys, XOXOs, everything I tell you. When I'm done and it's sent I delete the text and press the red button on the "NOKIA" phone (Note: it's a nokia phone). The next morning I hear voices in my room, it's my mum, my younger bro and sis, I pretend I'm still sleeping and I hear my mum ask someone "did you know about this?" My Sis says no, then she says they'll wait till I wake up. I get up about 30 seconds l8r (fear no gree me sleep again) and I greet my mum...no reply...she's just staring at me wiv those her "I wish I cud still whoop ur ass" eyes. Then the interrogation begins

Mum: Did you use my phone last night

Me: Noooo, I didn't us it mummy

Mum: Are you sure?

Me: Yes I'm sure..I..I...didn't use it

Mum: Well that's a lie because I was about to send someone a text this morning and when I picked up the phone and pressed new message this is what I saw

She points the screen at me, I can't make out the text but the numerous XOXOs on the screen are visible and too familiar to forget. I reply with silence...and then the tirade begins...for almost a whole hour I'm being verbally assaulted with rhetorical questions and threats, "is this wat u do in skool?" "ur father must hear this" "How come we've never seen ur result?" "So all you do chase women?" "When we get back you'll have a lot of explaining to do", "It looks like we give you too much money that's why u can be chasing girls in skool" "Who is she?" "You think this is the time for this nonsense?" "When we get back all of us will sit down and get to the bottom of this, you are just getting into ur 3rd year ooooo nd u r sending I miss you texts...who r you missin?"

As if this wasn't enough the cursed text wasn't done wiv me yet, we're back in naija, my Dad is on a business trip and my mum decides to call one of her friends, Aunty Linda, who's son is my Uni to find out if there's anything I'm hiding 4rm her, this woman tells my mum that our results can be checked online these days but it's not the full results just the courses that you've failed since 1st year...friggin snitch! Mum asks me if I know about the online results, I deny it flawlessly, she tells me to march over to the cyber cafe and check. The cyber cafe server is as slow as Paris Hilton in a Molecular physics class, I'm staring at a blank page for almost 15 minutes waiting fot it to load so wat do I do? I go home and tell my mum that my name is not on d list and I didn't fail any course. The next day my mum comes home from work and calls me to the living room...

Mum: Where's Robert? (when she calls my full name it means the proverbial shit has hit the proverbial fan and my non-proverbial ass requires a non-proverbial whooping)

Me: Yes Mummy (Yes pple I still call my Mother mummy..deal wiv it jo!)

Mum: COME HERE!

I appear with the most innocent expression on my face

Mum: What did you say happened at the cyber cafe

This question indicates that she has figured out how much of a lying child I am

Me: I checked the list and my name wasn't there

Mum: Are you sure? (A chance at redemption)

Me: Yes Mummy (A chance wasted)

she pulls out a piece of paper and shows it to me, Aunty Linda came to the shop to see me today, when I told her you said your name wasn't on the list we decided to check by ourselves...do any of the course on dat paper ring a bell

Me:...em em...yes! In my mind I'm screaming "Aunty Linda you friggin snitch!"

Mum: You are a mad boy!, U must be mental!...all these lies!...U r a theif! We give you everything you need to be comfortable, u r just coming back 4rm london wen ur mates went to the village for holidays yet wen u go to skool you go and play, chase women, send them love texts and waste our money. 4rm now on we are halfing your pocket money, half the clothes you bought in london are staying at home since wat you do is to go to skool and do fashion when ur mates are reading, shey u see ur result, u failed everything (just 3 courses oooooo!). Your ftaher doesn't even know yet and I don't have d heart to call him and tell him while he's away, you are very lucky!

By this time I'm scared, angry wiv myself, the bloody cyber cafe and Aunty Linda. I'm regretting the text message I sent, If I'd just waited a few days later I'd have been in naija and sent the text from my phone...but nooooo lover boy had to send secret text 4rm his mum's phone cos he was too broke to use his and too stupid to realise Nokia phones are snitches lol. I'm kinda grateful sha, if not for the great unveiling my life in Uni wud have continued in d same callous manner it had started wiv. I did a complete U-turn...no need for the details but on graduation day I looked back at all this and I actually shed a tear...not cried oooooooo! just a couple of tears trinkling down my cheeks lol.

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Pilot Episode: Robby Scribbles and....

The "Robby Scribbles and..." series is a collection of short stories (I'm not promising anything lol) which I consider very interesting and worth writting about, they are simple true events which I believe will test my ability to carry a story, it may give you insight into the way my mind works or it may just nodge you closer to the evidnet conclusion that I am just a nutcase lol, don't expect me to talk about politics or the recession o! I bring you gist that will lighten the mood even at the cost of my dignity lol..enjoy!

Robby Scribbles and....

That White powder...It's 2:25pm I'm all alone at home and I'm hungry, not the generic hunger that plagues us all, this one was different...this one made me dizzy, gave me a headache and made me cranky as well. There's no lack of raw materials in the kitchen but wiv a brother's lack of kitchen expertise it's no good to anyone. I marinate in anguish for a few more minutes and decide it's time to take matters into my own hands, it can't be that hard, I've seen them do it a thousand times, in my inventory are a pot, a few cups of rice and water from the tap....wat's d worse that cud happen. It's boiling in the kitchen and I'm starving and anxious in the sitting room, little things start to annoy me, the sound from the TV...I turn it off, the noise from cars passing by...I shut the window, the subtle hum from my laptop...I'm face to face with death by starvation and I'm still on facebook. I check the rice, I've heard her say something about washing it, I wash it, put it on the stove again and stand there till I think it's ready, something is missing, she always sprinkled salt on the rice before it was done...or was it after?...can't really remember. I rifle through the cabinets and find a lil container wiv the white powder, I sprinkle it on the rice and stir, the bowl of stew goes flying into the microwave wiv such ferocity that I disgust myself, the loud 'PING!' of the microwave receives a riotous applause in my head. I scoop as many pieces of meat as my eyes can locate and the big plate of Rice and stew looks like the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, my stomach lurches me to the dinning table and I'm sitted and geared up with my utensil before I realise I haven't said a prayer...I close my eyes for a few seconds which feel like ages, the aroma from the grub before me disrupts my show of gratitude to the almighty. I send the spoon flying into the heap and the mixture of red and white that it reaps causes a slight dribble in my mouth. The wait is over and the faint friction between my teeth and the metal spoon affirms it....My tongue is the first to protest, the message is sent to my brain which orders a complete regurgitation, the tongue obliges and I stare at the messy heap with disdain, what is this awful taste I ask myself? I retrace my steps 4rm the bag of rice to the bowl of stew...no evidence of foul play...I check the utensils and I even check the tap water for contamination...nothing! Then I check the cabinet and pull out the container of white powder, looks normal to me...I place a finger in the white mass and it's texture is disparate from what I expected, I lick my finger in curiosity and the answer is evident and very painful...SUGAR!!!

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I just remembered...part 3

There was something I forget to tell you earlier, you know how I made that sketch about my principal wiv the "Money ain't a thang" caption. Well I told my Dad thi story a few months later (When I was sure he'd find it amusing nd nt irrespobsible ) You won't believe it but evidently when my Dad was in Sec. Skool he did something of the same nature, he was a cartoonist for his skool's paper as well and his principal at the time was known for flogging the life of students, my Dad told me he drew the principal flogging a student wiv a tree...nd received the same nerve wrecking post-stardom treatment I did...guess the apple doesn't fall far 4rm the tree. In other news....

I just remembered....

Magic Money...I've realised that most of my more "interesting" moments occured while I was at Uni and majority of them were in first year. Okay so it's my first day in Uni, I've been given 10k in cash and a cheque worth 20k, the instruction was to use the 20k and open an account and keep the 10k on myself, I take a cab 4rm the airpor to Uni and I arrive in the evening, where does the cab driver, wiv all his intelligence, park? In the middle of the Basket ball court...while pple were playin...on my first day in Uni I was already a target for an ass whooping. Anyway the next day I go to open the account and they tell me I can't open an account wiv the cheque so I use the 10k on me instead and keep the cheque. My uncle comes around to check up on me and I tell him about the bank issue and give him the cheque to return to my Dad. About a week later I go to withdraw money 4rm my account and the Teller asks me why I want to withdraw such an amount when I've got a lot more than that in the account, I ask him how much is in the account and he says "30k"..."How?" I ask, He checks again and says the same thing "30k". I withdraw 2k and leave the bank..."These bank pple don make big mistake ooo!" I said to myself..."Dem don dash me money so? 30k! Where d come money come 4rm?...abi na Magic Money?". My conclusion was that the bank had made a mistake and I should spend the money before they realised it, there's a spring in my step and the following weeks see me turn into a maniac, I'm taking pple out to dinner, paying for pple's drinks and food, buying clothes and all dat, I'm leaving the good life wiv my magic money. At the end of the month I've bled d account to just 4k, Then I call my Dad...

Me: Daddy Good afternoon it's me

Daddy: Hey! How are you doing?

Me: I'm fine oh Daddy, just trying to adjust to university life

Daddy: I trust you my son, so any problem?

Me: No Daddy, just wanted to know if you were still going to pay in the balance of my pocket money

Daddy: What balance are you talking about?

Me: You know d remaining 20k, the one u wrote a cheque for that I had to return...

Daddy: Oh that, I paid it into your account already

Me: you did?...when?

Daddy: about a month ago, a few days after uncle Tim brought back the cheque

Me:...How did you get my account number (it hasn't hit me yet)

Daddy: You've forgotten Aunty Lizzy works wiv Oceanic...she got it for me

Me:ooohh! Oh okay I'll go and check, I haven't checked recently that's why

Daddy: Anything else, have yu started lectures

Me: Yes we have, nothing major yet just the foundations, Daddy I've got to go now, greet mummy 4 me oh!
(...by this time my stomach was churning and I'm slightly light headed)

Daddy: Ok bye bye

Me:byeee

I look up at the sky and it's like someones has written "poverty" across it...I've just blown 30k of magic money and I'm officially broke, I can't tell my Dad what i did cos he'd just snap my neck over d phone, I can't tell my mum cos she'll tell my Dad and he'll snap my neck over the phone...You know dat song "when money come ur way everybody come ur way, when money go away everbody go away, dem go deny sey dem no know u again"...Na so dem deny me oh! The remaining weeks are occupied wiv a big bowl, some groundnut nd garri!


Driving lessons...When I turned 18 I started taking driving lessons, however I didn't go to driving skool, I had a more interesting road education which involved 3 teachers each wiv their different styles....

Dad: My Dad was the first to teach me, he'd always try to be calm wiv me but there was this one time I nearly drove us into a ditch nd he just kept screaming "Are you trying to kill us..Are you trying to kill us!!!!". Anyway lessons wiv him were kool but he didn't have enogh time on his hands, that's when I started taking lessons 4rm...

Murphy: Murphy is constantly high, I've never seen dat guy sober b4, he's always got bloodshot eyes and drooped eyelids, my lessons were around 7am nd dis dude showed up high like he smoked in his dreams or something. When we'd be in d car he'd just say about 4 words to me "change gear", "Ur leg dey clutch"?, "march break" nd "Trafficate" lol...he never looked concerned nd that scared me, I felt like one day he'd be too high to notice we've crashed into a street light. After a month or so I feel confident enough to drive anyway, I've taken my dad out 4 a test run as well nd I feel it's time to take mymum out as well...just to show off

Mum: She gets in d car and says since she hasn't seen me drive b4 she'd like to see me do a lil' warm up and I shud just drive around d estate first wivout going past the gate. I put the key in d ignition, start the car, pull out of the garage nd drive slowly in a straight line...These were my Mum's reactions 4rm start to finish
"Why are you moving so slow"...
"Move faster"...
"Okay that's too fast"...
"USE YOUR HORN!!!"...
"I said use your horn don't be afraid to use your horn, do you want to kill them!!!"
"STOP, STOP, STOOOOOPP!!"
"Oh my God you nearly hit that pole...My goodness!!"
"What was that sound"
"Take us back home now, you r not fit to touch a steering wheel yet!"
"Infact give me the keys, I'll drive us home b4 you send all of us to the hospital"

all this screaming happened within the estate oo! I hadn't even crossed the gate yet, she got me so nervous and frazzled that I couldn't think straight, You won't believe she told my dad i nearly killed dem, nd I wasn't ready 4 a license yet...nd my dad believed her...I drove dis man to his office nd back nd he believes my mum who i didn't even take outside d gate...Women!


Sam...Sam's one of my closest friends, we've known each other for a long time and if there's anything I know about Sam it's dat he's the most shallow, loveless, womanising woman wrapper you can ever meet. You can never see him wiv d same girl twice in d same week, when any of us talks about how we love our girlfriends, or how we fancy dis chick or how sprung we are for this girl Sam will never hesitate to show his darker side, He said he cud neva go out wiv a chick unless she had a big booty nd crazy boobs, he said all men were superficial nd the one's who thought they weren't were suffering silently. He's never had a girlfriend who lasted more than 3 months and believes all d mushy mushy love stuf is for kids or d demented. We always warned him that guyz like him wud eventually fall in love nd when he did he'd fall for someone who didn't give a damn about him but he'd been to sprung to think straight...like a Mugu! He'd reply us saying "How can I fall for something I don't belive in". Imagine my surprise wen I walk into his rom one day and catch him burning a cd for someone...not just any CD..a love CD. At first I ask him wat he's doing and he shut his laptop, I get suspicious, I come closer nd he pulls d CD out of the laptop nd flings it into his wardrobe, wiv my sharp reflexes and killer instinct (we wrestled till i threated to kick him in d nutz lol) I grab d CD and sprint like a mad man to my room, he chases me like he's possessed screaming profanities at me. I lock my room door behind me, stick d CD in my laptop, press play and Donnell jones blasts 4rm my speakers, the next song is Seal's "Kiss from a rose", next is Lionel Ritchie's "I call it love", all dis time he's bangin on my door threatening to kill me. I've heard enough, I open d door nd he's fuming, I make fun of him a little nd start probing the sucker...Sam is in love, nd he has fallen bad...I mean really bad! and like d prophecy foretold she didn't give two monkeys about him, d cd was a ploy to swoon her cos she'd been ignoring him until now. In essence i'd like to report that Sam is now in a happy relationship wiv his missing rib, his butterup, he's sweetcandy (his words exactly)..looks like d CD worked!

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I just remembered...Part 2

So soon u say?...well I can't help it, I've got time on my hands and an evergrowing manuscript...

I remember...

The Asian racist...I was thinking of putting this story under the "Revelations of little insanities" series but I changed my mind....A friend of mine had an encounter wiv one of the many lunatics who roam this earth claiming to be lucid and the Asian rascist, who we will refer to as 'ARS' lol!, is the most crazy person I have heard about this month (Inference: I hear about crazy pple every month lol) According to her, she (A black girl) and a few friends (races nt disclosed) were out to see a movie in the Essex area and had just boarded a bus, the bus was kinda full and she was about to seat beside this Asian woman when the woman began to push her away saying she didn't want to seat beside a black person, she said they should all go back to their country and she didn't feel comfortable seating beside a black person, to top it all of she concluded by callin them "Flippin' Immigrants"...isn't that just crazy! First of all this is England, I'm nt a history buff but I believe it's the homeland of the English, so technically she was an immigrant as well...nd let's nt forget crazy! So in summary an Asian women in England told a black girl in England as well that she didn't want to seat beside an immigrant...how ironic!

My moments of ignorance...I don't get many of these but when they crop up it's always a very embarrasing situation...bear in mind that I'm a very inteliigent, young man lol. Okay here goes...

1. It was just a few days ago that I realised Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus were the same person, I never really pay attention to dem types and I always thot they were different celebrities, So I'm walking down an aisle in Tesco and I see a DVD wiv both of them on it..or shud I say just her...I pass it but then I backtrack and start staring at the DVD...the gong of enlightenment songs and I feel very stupid...did I forget to mention I was on d phone wiv someone at the time nd I while staring at the DVD I ask the person on d other line if she knew they were d same person, she doesn't even answer me, she just laughs at my ignorance... lol.

2. This was a while ago but I can't seem to forget it, after the Rihanna song "Shut up and drive was released" most of the girls in my uni were chorusing it up nd down campus. I was in a discussion wiv a few of my friends and we're talking music and disecting songs nd then one of them mentions how much she loves "shut up and drive" nd my response was "Yeah it's a nice song but why is she singing about cars"...You know those silent moments in movies where you hear the sounds of crickets and owls hooting, that's wat I heard in my mind, they all stare at me and start laughing, I'm like "why r they laughing?" and then they tell me wat the song's real connation is...moment of enlightenment gong sounds again! At that moment I knew how Adam felt after eating the forbidden fruit, it suddenly made more sense, I wish they hadn't told me cos I like my lil' naive innocent assumption, that chick stole my innocence...not like dat sha (get ur mind out of the gutter)!

The Foamy head....Now this was nt one of my wisest decisions, or proudest moments, I can talk about it now cos it happened back in d dorky days lol. So it's freshman year in uni, I'm getting ready for a night wiv friends and I'm shampooing my hair (Yes pple, I shampoo my hair) then I notice how silky and shinny my hair looks when the shampoo's foam dissolves into my hair, the hair looks wavy and sexy if I do say so myself lol. SO wat do I decide to do in my most wisest of decison making moments, I decide not to wash it off, it looks nice, it makes me look nice, why don't I just leave it like this, I'm sure the ladies will love it, plus it smells kinda nice so I get to look nice and smell nice at the same time lol. So I'm wiv my friends and we're laughing and all dat and then I lean over to one of my friends on d table, Ayo, and whisper to him wat d deal was wiv my hair, he just smiles and we continue talking...If I had known that 4yrs l8r Ayo wud have become an infamous prankster nd trouble maker I wud have kept my mouth shut. A few minutes later Ayo asks the girls wiv us if they liked my hair cos I just got it stlyed, they all agree it looks nice and even ask me what I did to it, I just laugh and pretend not to hear the question, Ayo excuses himself to wash his hands and leaves d table...10 seconds later he creeps up behind me and sprinkles water on my hair nd then rubs it mercilessly wiv his hands...I want u to imagine wat happened next...YES! My hair began to foam...and foam...and foam! I'm standing there shocked, slightly amused and looking for the nearest exit, I ran out of there looking like a mad man holding my foamy head. A few days later I nearly tear his head off, a couple of years after that and we were laughing our heads off about it as well lol.

To all of you who take time to read my frequent babble I'd like to say thank you, I know I'm awesome nd everything but you guyz make it worthwhile lol! Seriously though thanks a lot nd much love!

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I just remembered...part 1

I've been given a licence to blog to my satisfaction, whether it's three times a day or 5 times a week...if their are any problems wiv this setup have ur ppl call my pple! (I've always wanted to say that lol). So, this is a compilation of some of my flashbacks and I'm thinking of a trilogy may be in the works, for those of you who winced at the thought of it being a trilogy have your pple call my pple!

I just remembered....

The killer crush...my official first crush. I call her my origin because it was through her I understood the kind fo girls I cud be wiv. I was sooo sprung 4 dis chick but she was immune to my every move, it seemed like every tactic or strategy I used on this girl backfired. I liked to write so I wrote her lil' notes nd left them in places she wud find but wen she read them she'd throw them away nd say she wasn't into notes or she doesn't read that much (-5 points for d excuse). I'm romantic so I'd sweet talk her, I did the whole comparism thing wiv her, "ur eyes are like dis..., ur hair is like dat..., ur lips r like those..." she didn't even budge. I tried everything, music, sweet talk, ambushing her after class, even trying the platonic-leading-to boyfriend-routine nd it still didn't work...she drove me crazy 4 a whole year nd still didn't budge, made me doubt myself 4 a while, if I was fine enuf, if I was financially worthy, if I was just too nerdy cos back then I was kinda dorky...nt like now, definitely not like now lol! Anyway, it never worked out between us nd it was cos of her I realised d type of ladies I preferred...anyone who was her "DIRECT OPPOSITE!"...She was a different strain of female, cudn't understand her and still don't. We're friends now though but just for research purposes I'd like to figure out why it never worked...purely research lol!

Dr. E... to fully grasp the charater of Dr. E. I want you to imagine somethings first, imagine Hitler with all his tenacity and arrogance, then imagine him with 2 PhDs and 2 Masters, then imagine how you feel when you step in a big fresh lump of animal dung, finally imagine a big bowl of Tuna and garlric spiced ice cream...ewwww!...put all these together and you have Dr. E on his best day. Dr E was my nemesis in Uni, he was the most terrible thing that cud ever happen to a student. From first year all d way downn to final year Dr. E. found a way to make the life of every student he came across misereable, if there was a course students enjoyed for reasons such as a nice lecturer or easy topics Dr. E wud gladly step in to put you all on reset...he'd make the simplest thing look like teaching music via sign language to a paralysed blind man! His exams were suicide, pple in class wud read his exam questions and chew their pens like the ink was strawberry flavoured...he even had a trademark font he used to type his questions...I so hate that font now ehn! Once I stood staring at his car thinking of several ways to vent my frustration, I had just written a trademark Dr. E. exam and wasn't very optismistic about the score...I wanted to puncture his tires, pour palm oil in his fuel tank, sractch the windows wiv a rack and leave a thank you card on d hood...but I didn't...maybe that's why God allowed me to pass the exam..not ace..pass! Dr. E didn't stop at Uni nooooo! I had graduated and needed transcripts for skools in the UK, I was in the london at the time and cudn't go back to naija to process them so I called the school and spoke to my HOD, he assured me it wud be handled and said I shud call Dr E just for official purposes and confirmation. I called Dr. E and like the power hungry, annoying jerk he was he told me I had to come back to naija and process the trasnscripts myself, I told him I was in london and he said I shud have thought of that b4 going to eat burgers and fries in london...I'm no longer a student and this man was still torturing me long distance, I think he had a hidden agenda and it involoved wrecking my life...I'd dodged his carryovers and resits but now he wanted me to waste my life sitting at home or waste my money flying back to naija...Dr. E I have one message for you...God Pass u!

My college principal...my entire journey through education has brought me under the leadership of various men riddled with illogical rule making, unbending will and destiny crashing punishments to boot. Rev. O. was one of them, a very stern man who believed we were all spoilt rich kids whose parents were all mad and our homes disfunctional (his words exactly). During the post Holy mass announcemnets he declared that some students wud be expelled for breaking school rules, as he announced the names the congregation began to object heckling and booing him, he glared at all of us, his thick lensed glasses given the impression that he had more than two eyes. He screamed at us telling us he didn't need to take any nonsense 4rm students or parents, he said he didn't need our skool fees and he wud expel anyone who broke the rules (note: he had been on a expulsion marathon 4 d past 2 weeks). He said the school had enuf money and our fees were negligible. We screamed our objection despite the threats...guess what he did next?...he puts his hand in his pockets , pulls out dollars and pound sterling and flashes it at us like a rap star while reinterating the school's total disreagrd for our individual fees and their independence 4rm financial complications. Now at this time I was serving as the esteemed chief Cartoonist of our skool's magazine and during this period every event that occured in our school was translated into a comic sketch in my mind...this situation wasn't an exception. The next day all d students gathered at the skool's notice board, everyone was talking about it, pple skipped class just to look at it...it was a sketch of our principal, wiv big rings on his fingers, a gleaming chain around his neck wiv a dollar sign and holding wads of cash in each hand...the caption under the sketch read "MONEY AIN'T A THANG!!!" I was famous! everyone knew it was my handiwork...I signed the thing that's why, Name, post, class and everything! I was officially more popular than ever b4...for 2 hrs. 2 hrs was the time it took me to go 4rm most popular student to potential rusticated funny man!
4rm the magazine's patron's office to the Vice principal's and then the Principal's, I received the kind of tongue lashing Simon Cowell would be considered undergaged to listen to let alone give. In summary, I had never begged like that in my life, funny enuf I escaped wivout punishment and my 15 mins of fame were up but the sheer fear of expulsion nearly brought me to tears in the pricipal's office...ironically I wasn't afraid of my education being ruined wiv the expulsion, or my recored being tainted...all I could remember thinking was "Mummy will kill me!!!"

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I wished....

She sang a song, relaxing and hypnotic. It came from her heart, the warmest place any melody could be made. I was lost in her voice, I saw the tunes billow through her lips, slowly across the room and into my ears, I felt the warmth of her notes in my heart...warmth which watered my eyes...

She cried, how could she feel pain? could she be hurt? my mind had made her impregnable and as a consequence her tears confused me. I wished I has a handkerchief, I wished I could touch her face and wipe away her tears, I'd do it slowly and like a potter I'd softly rub her face from her cheek to her eyes cherishing every moment.

She stared at me, her eyes sought to enslave me, with the chains of their beauty she bound my gaze and lamed my tongue leaving me without words.

She smiled, it would have killed me to look away, it felt like her lips were the reason for being and I wished she'd never stop. The smile turned into a laugh, light as a summer leaf caught in a breeze but too distinct to be compared to any vain thing this life paraded before me.

She leaned to kiss me...but faded away, the thoughts were disturbeded by the scribbling of zealous classmates and the flipping of mundane textbooks, once again she had crept into my thoughts without warning and taken me out of my reality to muse over her beauty, she was a thought, a fantasy not of my mind but by my heart...if she ever existed then my only wish would be to meet her....I wished for my thought.

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