Revelations of little insanities part 4

Mehn una no even look 4 me oh! Your boy Scribbles has been AWOL for 48hours+ nd una no organise search party, what if I was kidnapped ehn? Una no go even halla...Una fall my hand!!! lol

Yeah baby! Summer is around the corner..abi e don land sef me no know sef wiv dis friggin country. Your boy is officially rocking the shorts this season, I'm only wearing shorts nd T-shirts cos wen winter come like dis all man go hold en coat nd sweater lol. Commuters like myself are having an eyeful I tell you, the young and lovely ladies of london are rocking the bum shorts and boob tubes making things even hotter wiv dis scorcher of a weather...am I complaining? Hell No!! So where's the insanity u ask?....it's in the minds of the 40+ 50+ and 60+ women who have decided to mess up a young man's day. There's nothin more irritating than a chunk of 40+ Cellulite sticking out of a Bum short, or the war torn boobs of a 50+ attempting to relive it's glory days as a plump lump! I was just standing on my own at the bus stop oh, dey jam "MC Hammer" on my ipod wen I see dis 50+ Mama coming 4rm yonder, I just felt molested by this woman, like she entered my head nd screwed wiv my brain, it was just wrong I tell you. She wore one of those light fabric tops...wivout a bra...see as dis woman retired nips' dey point out like sey na antenna wey dey try catch FM radio. I felt like taking off my shirt nd giving it to her so she'd stop embarrasing all of us...c'mon there're lil kids here u know! Then another Mama passed by, she had to be 47 at the least and this one was even worse, it was so obvious that it took her more than a few minutes to fit into those shorts, it looked like she was suffocating her butt, you cud see nyashidue spilling out of the top of the shorts... and she was now strutting all over the place showing everyone how slutty an old woman can look. I just think it's wrong 4 Mamas to dress like hookers on the streets. It's aiight to show skin I'm not complaining, but when the ratio of skin to dignity is 10:1 I suggest u just stay indoors....read a book or something, hell u can read it naked for all I care...just keep the explicitness under ur roof.

I've noticed that Airplanes can't seem to land on runways anymore? it's like they take one look at a runway and immediately decide to crash into someones house. You'll be having breakfast in the morning and then you look out the window and see a tail wing sticking out of ur neighbours attic. It's a morbid aftermath yes, but it seems like Camel travel is even safer than air travel these days. On top of that, the whole of London is friggin paranoid! If you live in the UK, especially London, you'll notice that pple don't talk to each other on d street except it's someone you know. You'll be on the high street nd see multitudes of pple simply walking past each other like zombies. Do u blame them? No! Cos in my book, if ur on the street and I don't know you then you are a potential serial killer. I swear some pple stop me for directions and I make a fist behind my back just in case the Shit hits the fan! If you step on someone you have to apologise withing 5 seconds or risked a peforated torso. If you are thinking of cutting in line at a store then you shud also be thinking of whether you prefer cremation or open casket. A pastor in the states told his congregation to start bringing guns to church, some say it's sacrilege, I say it's self preservation...it's no longer a congregation if all the members are dead now is it? Kidnapping is a business in Naija now cos some pple have decided that seizing you like an illegal import nd demanding absurd amounts of money in exchange for your freedom is an entrepreneural gold mine. What in blazes is happening abeg....Man can not turn on d TV nd hear gud news ehn! Wahala here nd Wahala there...Me sef don tire I swear...I don tire 4 all dis madness!!!

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Awesomeness Prime

I had the most amazing expirience today (saturday), I haven't been this tripped by a movie since Matrix but it wasn't just the movie pple...let me gist you gist

I made plans wiv this blogger, who's identity I promised to keep a secret, to go out today. At first we/I agreed we'd go to a chinese restaurant but in the end we went to see Transformers 2...I will talk about that one later. So this blogger is anonymous in blogsville but we have been communicating for a while, you can imgaine the excitement of meeting someone for the first time who you practically know already but just need a face to add to the personality. I make my way to the meeting point, she's late...typical (lol), I decided to meet her at a station closer to her. Took me about an hour to get there but it was worth it sha...Blogsville get some FIIIIIINNNE babes oh! I've officially seen two female bloggers to date and I give them both 10 out of 10. I'm just standin there waiting for her, she's got my number, she calls, I turn around BAM! Fine babe looking sezzy in d building! I compose, I comport..no need to misbehave right? afterall I ain't trippin'. She's waaay taller than I imagined, plus way more cooler lol. We take the train to the cinema and we make small talk, she laughs, I smile, it's all good. It starts to rain, seriously oh! She's got a jacket...I don't. I ask her if we shud wait till d rain stops, she says no. I point out the fact that we will get drenched if we decide to keep walking...she says it's sexy seeing guyz drenched...I enter the rain sharp sharp and I'm even strutting sef lol. We get to the Cinema and I'm soaking wet, she's witty and makes jokes about me being wet and the fact that I'm paying... I don't know how she got me to do it but I ended up paying for everything...was worth it though. Movie time mehn...let's see what all d fuss is about

B4 I say anything I'd just like to say that Transformers 2 is a geeks dream mixed wiv the most amazing fantasy and covered wiv wrapping paper of awesomeness. To Nice Anon, I know how you felt my dear...I nearly stood up to scream "KILL ME NOW OH!!!" cos the movie was to tight! To Brokeass and yinkuslolo I mean no disrespect oh, but two of you need to wash ur eyes mehn...Una no like Transformers then which film will you like please?..."Dragonball"..abi na "Year one" The movie was so amazing that I left the cinema staring at cars on the street hoping they transform mehn! Maybe my case is different? I use to watch it as a kid back in d day and seeing it brought to life..a second time...for nearly 3hrs...was exaclty as Nice Anon described it, "An orgasmic experience". Watching Autobots own Decepticons in ways Jackie Chan and Jet Lee can only dream of is a geek's best day x 1000. I don't even have a best scene cos everything made me want to turn into a car myself....who else can make driving a tipper look kool apart 4rm Optimus "Awesomeness" Prime biko? Did I mention that the chick I went wiv was as psyched as I was, She even called Optimus Prime "Hot" because of that statement I bumped her score to 11 out of 10. I'm going to sleep after posting this and I hope to have a dream where I'm a Transformer, not a bad one oh...wudn't want to get on Optimus' bad side even in my dreams cos that broda owns decepticons d way Ali owned Mugus back in d day.I left that cinema wiv one goal...buy the DVD and watch it again..and again...and again!!!!!

So the day is coming to an end, this chick claims I'm not good for hand holding cos she held my hand during a somewhat "gory" scene and I didn't respond....I didn't respond cos I was so friggin' engrossed, she says I'm not good to go wiv to a horror movie cos I'd she push a chick away if she got scared...next plan of action, take her to a scary movie. Call me what you want but I put my Geekdom first mehn lol....I know you are reading dis...U know I'm just making noise shey? Anyway I see her off, we had a nice time, she's good company, she's smart, unpretentious and like I said blogsville get some Fine babes!...my wallet felt a bit lighter though lol

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Garrulous update...

Forgive me blogsville for I have sinned, it's been 2 days since my last post...

So I'm working on my postgrad projects and your boy is just typing like a lunatic. What's ironic is that I can produce a couple hundred words on the fly for a single post on my blog but when it's time to write some meaningful ish to impress my lecturer I have to roll on d floor and jump up and down for inspriration and motivation...Anyway, I was sitting on my bed being a good boy and utilising my skool fees well well when the yahoo notifier alerts me that I have an email....I swear my heart stopped...It was a friend request on Facebook from someone wiv my last name...nd my mum's first name...Imagine d fear wey hook me pple. "So e don finally happen?" I asked myself, "The thing we've all been dreading has come upon us, My mama don add me for facebook!" I don start to dey pack my online bags already, I planned on moving to a remote social networking site where she wudn't find me, it was either that or start a new profile, wiv a new name, new friends and a new life...a life on the run! The journey from my mailbox to facebook seemed like an eternity, like my computer was stalling cos it wanted the me to marinate in fear longer. There it was, sitting in the top right hand corner of my profile..."1+ friend request" I clicked it, curious and dreading at the same time. She had no picture...but that was explanable, my mum wudn't have time to upload a pic...she just wanted to keep track of her kids...my own personal VM 2000! lol. I thot about ignoring it, thot about lying that i hadn't seen it, thot about rejecting it and claiming it was a network problem and confusing her wiv IT jargons till she barfed confusion....But no! I accepted it!

The tension faded away, my heart stalled it's attempts to burst through my chest...it wasn't my mum thank goodness. I have never met anyone else wiv my surrname apart for immediate family. In all my days I've never come across a namesake as regards my Last name so I was curious. I decided to view this chicks pics...I shit you not wen I tell you I've never seen a profile on facebook wiv so many pictures of boobs nd bush...yes pple...bush!!! It was like a boobathon...like walking into the Playboy masion at Happy hour...like having a hidden camera in Megan Good's bathroom (Yes pple! I plan to marry her one day). This was obviously not of our lineage at all...She even some very rude status updates as well...thinking about them now makes me want to throw my brain in the washing machine to get the filth out...I no get problem wiv her profile oh, it's her life right?...my problem na sey pple will start thinking this embodiment of vulgarity is related to me...my family don't play that way mehn!!!

So MJ is dead...if you are expecting any quips 4rm me then u will be disappointed. I wasn't one of the "cry 4 the moon walker" fans but MJ is dead...d dude is dead and I can't believe it...I guess all those comedians who see him as a source of infinite material will have to find some other celebrity to toture on stage...Farah Fawcett's peeps will be a bit annoyed that their own loss is being overshadowed right now...but MJ is dead!

Naija music is off d chain incase you neva knoooowww!!!...I think iTunes sef is surprised wiv d way I've been jamming the likes of YQ and M.I throughout this week. I wud have posted links to some of my best naija tunes lately but where will I start 4rm? Is it Kel and YQ's "Turn by turn" abi "Ijinlé Pam-Pam" or is it Mr Jude "Incredible" Abaga himself. M.I. is like a breath of fresh air in the industry u know, after u hear half of Ajegunle proclaiming "how they like as she dey wine am" it's refreshing to hear someone who performs like he eats pages of a dictionary wiv his cereal. M.I. na one intelligent morrasucker u know...my fav line 4rm his song safe is "If there's ever been a rap dis flly it had to be done by another M.I...."...I nearly swallow my Ipod cos of that line

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4: Robby Scribbles' Blog da Blogger

Watz poppin' beautiful pple of blogsville, It's Robby Scribbles here again and before we get down to business I'd just like to say something real quick. I think A woman's life is divided into three very simple phases based on her age. There's the first phase when she prefers to add digits too her age, the second phase when she thinks she's just right and there's no need to worry and the last phase where she starts to take numbers out. A 12 year old will probably tell you she's 16, a 21 year old thinks the digiits are in order and a 43 year old will tell her d cute guy at the bar that she's 32. Now let's bring today's guest out. You may remember him from posts like Tears of the Moon, Still Cave men and Only in 9ja. We went to Uni together and were in the same course as well, he's like a brother to me but still a friggin morrasucker. Ladies and Gentlemen put ur clicks together for P'sy-A-wana!!!!!

(applause)(Artquake's "Alanta")

P'sy-A-wana: GUYYYY!!! I dey feel dat song dieeee!!! ~OPEN UR ARMS LIKE SAY U WAN FLY AWAYYYYY, JUPA JU SE SIBI, JE KAJO MA SERE ~

Robby Scribbles: ~ALANTA ALANTA ALANTA, ONE LEG UP.....~

P'sy-A-wana: ~ALANTA ALANTA ALANTA, TWO LEGS UP...~

Robby Scribbles: But how dem want make we raise two legs up abeg?

P'sy-A-wana: Guy why u dey dull? na to lie down 4 floor raise leg go roof na

Robby Scribbles: LOL! Bloody tout! Sit down Jo make I ask you question...no break my chair oh, dis one wey u don dey add weight so!

P'sy-A-wana: U get mouth to dey talk anyhow na, u r a big boy now , u get ur own blog, ur own posts and even your own show...U know sey I sabi u back in d day, back wen we dey beg ATM for money

Robby Scribbles: There are plenty stupid pple inside you! Who dey beg ATM for money Oloshi...it was a joke lol! You have a blog as well don't you, why u kon dey make many noise

P'sy-A-wana: Guy What I don't understand is why many many chicks dey read ur stuff, na wetin motivate me to start blog sef but the chicks seem to be ignoring a broda u know

Robby Scribbles: Why u dey ask me dat kin question?...infact why are you asking any question at all? You are here to answer questions Oga! And please can we stick to normal, correct english please

P'sy-A-wana: Why Scribbles my good man, isn't it indubitable that I am capable of conversing in wholesome English? I was merely trying to reecreate our moments as members of tertiary education structure...why u dey dull?

Robby Scribbles:......Tout!

P'sy-A-wana: Mugu!!!

Robby Scribbles:What are you up to these days oga? We've been out of skool for almost a year so that gives you approximately 360 days of womanizing and panty chasing

P'sy-A-wana: Well, I've been working at this bank sha but e no dey pay well, Ironic isn't it? A bank not paying well! Anyway, I work hard and play harder as always. I suppose reach one fiiine babe house like that today sef but this one wey i dey waste my time wiv you that one don bust na. If you see that babe you go slap urself, she fine sote wen I first see am I grow afro on d spot

Robby Scribbles: U must be mad, na so u dey always talk, na so u dey always tell us for skool sey u dey meet one one fine girl like dat but wenever we see d girl she no dey ever fine, sometimes sef we no dey meet the girl cos there was no girl to begin wiv. You remember TT?, shey u remember her shey? you told us that she wud make all of us dump our girlfriends and consider polyandry...but when we saw her wetin happen...wetin happen I dey ask you?

P'sy-A-wana: Guy u don dull again o! She just had an accident jo...that's the only explanation for how she looked that day

Robby Scribbles: Ofcourse she had an accident...she had one wen she woke up, another one after she took a bath, one right after dressing up, two more while putting on make-up and one final fatal one wen we meet her face-to-face...If I see that girl in public I will call d police for her I swear!!

P'sy-A-wana: Guy no dey enter d babe like dat...beauty is only skin deep you know

Robby Scribbles:I know it's only skin deep...but her skin must be like 100ft deep to hide that beauty mehn! Ladies and Gentlemen we will be right back after a word from our sponsors

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************************************************************************************* Robby Scribbles:We're back again wiv our guest P'sy-A-wana, Dude u see the way this world is going, in my day raising a child was done wiv a real Mother nad her very real cane, these days we've got gadgets for everythings haven't we? Soon we won't be able to procreate wivout a PIN number.

P'sy-A-wana: I feel you on that you know, but I'm not complaining dude, the more gadgets we have the less I have to do. I can't really be bothered you know

Robby Scribbles: So we've heard about your shitty job and ur imaginery chick, tells us about ur plans for the future.

P'sy-A-wana:I've got it all figured out my broda. It's like Tony Montana said "First you get the money, then you get the power and then you get the women"...women being the ultimate goal for me. Infact if I get the women first Money and power can take a hike cos nothing wud matter anymore, I'd care for her and give her all my attention.

Robby Scribbles: Ladies in the audience there's something I want you to learn, it's one of the subtle signs of a typical playa or knucklehead. If a guy romanticises about a chick who doesn't exist yet and who's idea of a relationship is like an advert for a single sucker then he is either a playa, a sap...or P'sy-A-wana

P'sy-A-wana: Guy I no like as you dey disrespect me for here oh...shey u no sey I get some pics of you, pics of you b4 u come obodo oyibo dey form posh and fly, pics of u b4 u blow, pics of you back in d days of hustling...

Robby Scribbles:Hustle'fire!! Guy I don't respond well to threats u know? me sef get pics na,! infact I go show one now...
P'sy-A-wana: AHHHHH!!! Guy I remember that exam...U lucky sey u comot the faces, if not fight for don occur here...u remember "one-two-kiss-canvas"?

Robby Scribbles: Why do u like to remind me of those things ehn, u sha like to dey talk many many pari popo. Anyway before we go is there anything else you'd like to tell our readers online

P'sy-A-wana: Yes indeed! Ladies, as you can see 4rm the picture I am a well to do broda who's on his way to the big time...but I am single...Holla at ur boy! Much love.

Robby Scribbles: Dude it was nice seeing you again even though u r still a useless pant! As ur guy I wish you the best and also a relationship that last more than the life span of a loaf of bread. Ladies and Gentlemen P'sy-A-wana!!!!!!

Thanks for joining us again Ladies and Gentlemen, next time we will have another blogger on the show wiv us, we have decided to air the show a little later than usual for this guest cos we are hoping ur kids will be asleep by then...Till next time this is Robby Scribbles saying "if you think Karma isn't a bitch then ask O.J. Simpson"

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As you see me so...

You know sey I be mad man? On a very serious level now I think I don dey craze small, especially since I started blogging. Before I use to be subtly mad cos the things I thot about either stayed in my mind of just faded away but these days, withe this blog of a thing, I now have an archive of my craze. Everyone that knows me has called me a mad man u know...even my own mama said I was crazy cos pple who see me think I don't talk. She said some of her friends tell her that her son is so quiet but unfortunately they don't know me...wetin my mama mean sef ehn lol?
Anyway this one is by the way sha, as you see me so....

I've been reading pples blogs (obviously) and I can't help but try and imagine what some of the bloggers look like in real life, aside 4rm those who aren't anonymous and the ones I know in real life I find myself contructing mental pictures of bloggers as a kinda exercise for my imagination, especially if they've got music on the blog, I think a person's choice of genre and playlist can give a fairly factual insight into a person looks. I have been tempted to discard the anonymity but that wud just take the fun out of this whole blogging thing for me. Anonymous bloggers cud be anyone you know, I get on the bus, I see a chick and I think "Cud that be Miss Natural?" I get on the train and I see someone reading a novel and I can't help but wonder if that's juiceegal or even someone I haven't met yet...it's fascinating you know. If I hadn't told you I was tall wud you have guessed it, if I hadn't said I was Igbo wud u have known...cos pple see me and think I'm calabar which I'm still don't know if it is a compliment or a diss.

Someone told me today that I know how to make pple feel better and no matter how down they are all they do is call me and they feel better...so ontop of being a called a comedian and funnyman which are comments I dislike wiv a passion, I have now been branded a substitute for crack shey? Nice one oh! Sometimes I don't like being called funny, back in Uni it got to a point wen all I had to do was look at someone in my class for 10 seconds and they'd start laughing...No be lie I swear. One day I tried it, I stared at this chick in my class and she started laughing, no be sey i dey make funny faces oh! After the class she walks up to me wiv one of those "I'm stuck between a laugh and a smile" kinda expressions on her face and asks me "Scribbles u r funny oh!, why were you looking at me like dat?"...Imagine d madness? One day I was in my room in Uni and a friend drops by to tell me a group of girls want to meet me cos I know one of their friends and she said I was funny and cool to hang out wiv...so essentially he wanted me to go and meet pple I'd never seen before and live up to a reputation which was propagated by someonee else wivout my knowledge...No pressure right? I tell you it was even worse than an interview cos wen I got there it was like I was supposed to entertain them, like I was hired entertainment for this night and I'd better represent...I hated feeling like that, like I was supposed to be this funny, witty guy who's cute as well, like I was being analysed you know? I just sat there and tried to keep my mouth shut...which is something I am not known for...and find hard to do especially wen I'm around 5 girls and single lol! I make a sentence..casual statement...I say do you know u can make anything sound pervy like...they turn to the supposedly witty funny guy and asks how? I say, in a husky voice, "Babe can I sharpen ur pencil?...I can answer ur Phone?...Let me press ur remote control...I can play ur CD and tune ur radio..let me fix ur car!!!" By this time I swear someone has dropped on the floor....guess there's no fighting ur true nature is there?

Pple who knew me in sec skool nd first yr Uni
an't seem to understand how I look now, like I'm some Alien inhabiting Sir Scribbles body, they expect to see that average height, tiny voice, skinny nerd who use to sing d theme song of Pokemon, memorised 150 of them in evolutionary order and was so shy of talking to girls that he use to walk on the opposite side of the road so he wudn't have to say "excuse me" to the group of chicks chatting on the walkway...guess Puberty showed them huh? The other day one 40+ looking woman was Ogling me on the bus nd I didn't even find it d least bit flattering...infact it was gross...why did i even include that here...I don't need that kind of shit my life! I met someone who saw me last wen I was in first year Uni...I shit u not wen I say she cudn't recognise me...she'd changed as well but according to her I had "changed" . She's d Old flame I was talking about in the last installment of "Scribblenation"...apperently the flame is being rekindled...on both ends....

BTW I'm a die hard Man Utd fan and wen I do die I'd like to be buried in a Man United Jersey, Ronaldo can pack his kaya nd go but wat just pisses me off is the fact that we r selling to Madrid again..they took Ruud, Heinze, Beckham and now Ronaldo...it's like they are Yahoo boys nd we r Mugus 4 crying out loud...abi our negotiotors no sabi speak spanish? There's obviously some serious communication problems, how hard is it to tell them "WE NO DEY DO AGAIN U SPANISH SODS!!!!"

Oh...I don't like editting cos I think y'all smart enough to know I'm not an iliterate...so if you F7 this nd find grammatical inconsistencies then Ndo!

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3: Robby Scribbles' Blog da Blogger

Ladies and Gentlemen whatagwaaaaaaan! Sorry, I've been hanging around some Jamo boys lately and that's all they say to me. Happy Monday pple, even though I'm yet to find someone who appreciates the start of a new week I still feel the need to invoke elation before mentioning "Monday". We have another blogger as a guest today and for some reason anytime I visit her blog I have a sudden craving for pastries. You may remember her from posts such as Heartbreaker, I have principles and Ego, put ur clicks together for the one and only Rene!!!
(applause)*(intro: Baby Bash's "Keeper")

Robby Scribbles: Nice to have you on the show Rene...are those for me?

Rene: Yes they are, I baked them myself and I made alot so you could choose, I made Rich Belgian cupcakes with chocolate butter cream, Light blueberry cupcakes with vanilla butter cream and I think there' a White Chocolate chip & Raspberry cupcake with Vanilla butter cream and...

Robby Scribbles: Marry me!!!

Rene: LOL! I'm sorry Scribbles I'm not that easy, a girl needs to be wooed first you know

Robby Scribbles: Well You can't blame me for trying can you? I always ask my guests to tell us a lil about themselves so tell us please...Who is Rene?

Rene: Well I'm complicated let me put it that way, first of all I think I have multiple personalities, I think the way I react in different situations makes it hard for people and sometimes me-to draw a conclusion about my character and who I really am. I'm so friggin random sometimes that it's hard to keep up nd that usually pisses guyz off...plus I'm a cynical by default so guyz either get tired of hitting on me or loose their minds trying to.

Robby Scribbles: Multiple personalities isn't always an asset you know...sometimes it's associated with lunacy...are u crazy?

Rene: lol! Ofcourse not, wat's wrong wiv you? I don't mean "multiple personalities" like today I'm Rene and tomorrow I'm Shaka Zulu. What I mean is I am complex enough to make impatient pple think I'm more than one person, it's a combination of different things really and the way I feel in and react in different sceanrios is what makes me complex...you get me?

Robby Scribbles: The same way Soulja boy gets Astrophysics...speaking of Astrophysics I'm guessing ur an A student right?

Rene: Yes I am Scribbles...it's a tough job but someone has to do it...

Robby Scribbles: I guessed as much, u have dare I say it-the swagger of an intellectual. I've noticed most of the women in blogsville are 'A' students...In my day you'd have to visit a bookstore to meet a smart chick, I guess technology is replacing that lol. We'll be right back Ladies and Gentlemen after a few words from our sponsors.

*************************************************************************************
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**************************************************************************************

Robby Scribbles: Just a random questiuon Rene, if we were to take a quick tour of your browser history what we we find on a normal day?

Rene: Nothing out of the ordinary, you'd proplay find links to blogs, youtube videos and all that...nothing unusual

Robby Scribbles: Well I'm just asking cos we managed to get Misty to give us a quick run-through of your browser history and we were surprised when we.......

Rene: ....Nooooo!! WTF!!! WTF Scribbles...you've got no right to do that, how dare you...

Robby Scribbles: Well we tried calling you to tell you but we kept getting ur voicemail and we'd already put the Engineer in a cab...Mr. Engineer do you have the records ready

Rene: NOOOOO!!! I'm so gonna kill Misty, Robby Scribbles I will sue the life out of you then then Sue you back to life only to sue you again...U better check urself...

Robby Scribbles: HAHAHA! Calm down calm down...take deep short breaths and relax. Are you hyperventilating? We're just effing wiv you, we're not really gonna show all of blogsville ur browser history...we're not that insensitive...but seeing ur reaction just makes me wonder wat could be so confidential *wink*...Is that a vein I see on ur forehead...oh we got you rattled didn't we?

Rene: Maybe...Not really. It's not like I'm hiding anything...I just don't want strangers going through my computer cos I've got sensitive detail there.

Robby Scribbles: *wink* Yeah "reeeal" sensitive right? By the way people, some of you already know about Rene's advertised vacancy but for those of you who haven't heard here's the gist...She's single, looking for a summer "thang", no strings attached and if you are interested send your applications to sugarplumrene@gmail.com

(Man runs towards Rene 4rm the audience but is tackled to the ground by Scriibles and security escort him out)

Robby Scribbles: No need to thank me...somehow you've managed to turn my show into a recruitment drive for you summer 'thang' Rene. It was nice having you on the show and I hope you find ur summer "thang" soon. Ladies and Gentlemen
Rene!!!

(applause)

Rene:....It's been a pleasure...I think.

Robby Scribbles: Before we go Ladies and Gentlemen the identity of the man who ran out of the audience has been confirmed...it is P'sy-A-wana....apparently he wasn't afet Rene...he wanted the cupcakes!! Join us again next time as we have our first male guest on the show, I just hope we can find a chair big enough for him. This is Robby Scribbles saying "I just saw my 2 yr old cousin dancing "Alanta" lol

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My two pennies worth

I've started four differnt post on four different issues and all of them have ended up as drafts because of this one. I was watching a show on TV and it just inspired me to post this, I wasn't intellectually stirred by the conversation I heard that led to this post...it was more of an emotional inclination...

I doubt there's a perfect formula for relationships, infact I don't doubt I know! I know that there's no way you can consider all the variables in relationships be it casual or otherwise. Surprisingly, stereotyping and sexism, as socially deregatory as they are sometimes, are integral parts of relationships depending on how u view it but so are equality and mutualism. An attempt to hypothesise ideas on how to have a perfect relationship is futile in my opinion cos pple will always comment and contribute based on their own experiences and whether the ideas are applicable in recurring scenarios or the the propositions unbiased pple will always say what they know. What they know is what they've seen and even though some pple claim it; no one has seen everything. The thing about human beings is that we are dynamic and proposing a set of rules or guidelines to govern relationships and associations between us as a socially active specie is a daunting task and will probably never be fully accomplished due to so many factors and primarily our dynamic nature. It's good to have rules and guidelines at times because they help shed light on situations and point us in the right direction but to trust solely in a code of conduct for relationships and how to handle other people is risky. In my opinion we've got the underlying basics in any relationship ranging 4rm acquintace to spouse, understanding, communication and trust are all important and can rarely, if not never, be substituted. On the other hand, when propagated protocols and insubstantial status quos are embeded into the sanctity of relationships I cannot help the gnawing feeling that as time goes by the beauty of relationships, spontaneous and exhilarating as they should be, will be remodelled into this mechanical entity lacking creativity and improvement and as a whole will have been desecrated.

Normal service resumes on Monday lol

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Part 2 Spoof: Reality check

lol..I'n continuation....

The Lion King is a classic Naija movie, an uncle kills ur dad and takes all his property, then he ousts you and the other relatives can't do anything about it. You grow up in a foster home, come back to confront ur uncle and aided by the spirit of ur dead popsy you regain ur rightful place in the family.

...and all the king's horses and all the king's men cudn't put Humpty together again....Obesity is a killer!

Citation: She was the reason behind the stereotype "dumb blonde" and fallacy "Love is blind", she also holds the world record for highest number of extensions ever used and was also Michael Scofield's inspiration in Season 1, Ladies and Gentlemen...Rapunzel!

The Judge concluded that the evidence was insubstantial, apparently the accused swines claim they were framed by the pussycat who went to london.

Due to Patient Doctor confidentiality, Dr. 90210 cannot disclose the real name of the Ugly duckling.

The movie "Life and Times of Solomon Grundy" premiered in cinemas; the audience was still settling down when the credits rolled.

Goosey Goosey Gander is now serving 25 to life without the possibility of parole

An old man, surrounded by tons of toys, wanted a little boy so much that he made one for himself...and you say Geppetto wasn't a pedophile?

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water...and consequently showed us the horrors of child labour!

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Spoof: Reality check...

Snow white was a hoe...no need for explanations...seven dwarfs is enuf to say she even had weird fetishes as well

Popeye was a junky, oh he calls it spinach but I tell you anyone who needs to eat grass-like "Vegetables" before he can feel strong enuf to beat someone up is definitely on something illegal

Little Red riding Hood was a retard...how d hell do you mistake a wolf for ur grandma...damn her grandma must have been ugly!!!

Glodilocks was a homeless kid wiv a criminal record for breaking and entering, explain how u just wander into someone's house, eat their food, break their chairs sleep on their bed and then you escape d clutches of three bears unharmed...did u hear anything about the three bears after that..NO! cos Goldielocks and her junkie friends used their fur as coats during Winter in the homless pple's shelters

Aladin was a yahoo boy, take it or leave it! Poor today and rich tomorrow wiv no tangible source of income?...open ur eyes Jasmine!

Beauty and the Beast is evidence proving that no matter how ugly a guy is as long as he's got money he'll still get ass. It's also an attempt to make bestiality acceptable...appalling and pathetic isn't it?

Cinderella is a fallcy created to lure young illiterate girls 4rm d village to the city so they can serve as housemaids

Henzel and Gretel is a true story for Nigerians kids, if you wander around d streets long enuf you will jam who uses "jazz" and wants to eat you

Pocahuntas shows the nature of the oldskool Igbo man...after sailing the seven seas wiv his containers he'll always go back to the village to marry.

I cud go on 4 ages..........

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Robby Scribbles' Blog Da Blogger

Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to the show once again. Before I bring out my guest tonight I'd just like to make a lil' announcement. I am taking a vow of celibacy for three months in an effort to curb my flirtacious blogging habits lol. During this period I will restrain myself from blog and cyber philandering because my significant blogger is going away on holiday and I have promised to behave myself while she is away. However, I will not be held liable for my actions or reactions if I am approached wiv comments or emails of ambiguous and invitingly lucrative nature. I will also not be held responsible if my seemingly innocent comments are misconstrued to habour ulterior motive. Now let's bring out our guest for today's post....

She's one blogsville's finest and lengthy bloggers and her posts will keep you scrolling till ur mouse develops Athritis, you may remember her from posts like I AM NOT A PRUDE!!! and Mon etranger. Ladies and Gentlemen put ur clicks together for Leggy!!!!

(Applause) (Solja boy's "Kiss me thru the Phone")

Robby Scribbles: So nice to have you on the post Leggy, may I just say u look ravishing tonight. Grandma what long legs you have, may I call you Leg for short?

Leggy: Bia, O muwa ki choro e'kpo leg? O gini' n'eme gi n'isi biko, e cho ka chineke kpo gi oko?

Robby Scribbles: Emmm pardon me Leggy but some of our audience may not be able to understand you, can you speak english please

Leggy: Mba, A bum onye igbo, o soso Igbo kam ga su,

Robby Scribbles: Ladies and Gentlemen we 'd like to apologise for the inconvenience but those of you who may not be able o understand our guest are advised to read the subtitles. Sorry once again. Now Leggy, tell us abit about urself, what are ur hobbies

<<Well I'm like really smart, like really really smart...I like to write, I read alot, I like hanging out wiv friends and just having good clean fun ...My friends say I like to make guys trip 4 me and then crush their hearts into a bloody pulp redering them incapable of feeling sentiment or emotions for anyone else but I think they're just goofing around...did I mention that I'm really smart? coz I am>>

Robby Scribbles: Yes u did mention it...*friggin Einstein for all I care*...Sooo, Crushing hearts you say, sounds like you got lots of men trying to get wiv you. On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being a very sub-par effort at hitting on you and 10 being a psycho's attempt, how motivated has a guy ever been to get with you?

<<I'd say 8...8.2745 to be exact...oh he was a persistent one! I think I had to tazer him before he got the message that I didn't want to talk to him...then there was the whole incident with the police later on cos apparently he was a freshman and just wanted directions to the school library but you never know right? it's not like stalkers walk around wiv a "psycho" written on their foreheads>>

Robby Scribbles: That is hilarious, you actually tazered a freshman cos you thot he was coming on to you? Dat's a bit harsh isn't it? maybe even paranoid

<<So what you saying Scribbles? You saying I'm crazy? that I'm not hot enuf for a freshman take a look at these legs mahn! I call dem my columns of chaos cos once these babies are on show calamity ensues mahn, wen these bad babies hit dem skinny shorts men hit the ground cos I'm like a terrorist, I'm friggin Al qaeda wiv these legs mehn!>>

Robby Scribbles: LOL! Ladies and Gentlemen we'll be back to ask Leggy about her plans for the future and her love life right after a few words from our sponsors.

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Robby Scribbles: Welcome back everyone, we're still here with Leggy and Leggy u were telling me during the break how u haven't been in a real concrete relationship before. Are you single and searching or Single and satisfied?

<< I think I'm a bit of both Scribbles, I'm single that's confirmed and I'm searching cos I actually want to have someone who cares for me in a special way. On the other hand, I'm satisfied as well cos men can be such jerks, you guyz seem to enjoy inventing new sick ways to hurt us and I'm just not ready to be in a real relationship until all d variables have been considered and the results show that I won't be forced into homicide at some point in the relationship>>

Robby Scribbles: Well I'm sure there's someone *wink* special *wink**wink* who'll be qualified enuf *wink* to demolish all variables and pass ur lil test *wink**wink*

<<Are you alright Scribbles? ur blinking alot is everything okay?>>


Robby Scribbles: *claim to be smart..NOT!" I'm alright never mind. We're runnin out of time but before we go tell us what you look for in a man, what are the things your ideal guy shud have before trying to conquer the mighty tazering Leggy?

<<Well under this towering edifice is just a simple girl with simple needs, I'd like a funny, witty, intelligetnt, sensitive, caring guy who's ready to take charge wen needed but also humble enuf to step aside wen required. Responsible, spontaneous, respectful and appreciative as well...I guess that's it really>>

Robby Scribbles: Well that's a description of an average guy, I think I know someone who'll be perfect for you, his name is Clark Kent and he lives in Smallville...mscheeewww!! Ladies and Gentlemen give a round of clicks for our guest Leggy!! (Applause) It was awesome having you on the show and I wish you luck on your next trip to Krypton in search of ur ideal man.

<<It was a wonderful to be here Scribbles, by the way I was just wondering, if I buy a dozen RAZZ-BE-GONEs do I get a discount and how many Kobokos do I get?>>


Robby Scribbles: mscheeew!!! Ladies and Gentlemen join us next time on the post wen we'll be with another important blogger in blogsville who seems to have a thing for pastries. I know y'all are wondering why we seem to be having only female guests on the show, Una dey mad! The show neva reach 5 episodes and u r jumping d queue already! I can assure that there will be guyz on the show....after I fill up my phonebook. This Is Robby Scribbles saying "Take care of yourself and each other...cos the Aliens are coming" Goodnight!!

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.........???.........???.........??????

I'm having a friggin bloggers block episode here!....I can't concentrate, I can't focus and I can't even type a single line wivout backspacing everything! You can't believe it shey? Me too!!! Leggy ur Interview is coming oh...I just have to find out why my brain is dulling me first...

Did y'all catch Obama on TV?..did you see the way he assasinated that Fly? Oga stiill has some Africo Perks oh! I feel d guy jo! Obama no send anybody!

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Robby Scribbles' Blog the Blogger

Yes OO! 3 Gbosa for The Royal Scribbles please...GBOSA GBOSA GBOSA!!! It's the 50th post pple and it's either I have too much time on my hands or I love una too much to keep quiet lol. To mark this prestiguos event and as announced in the previous post we're kicking of Robby Scribbles' Blog da Blogger. It's quiet simple really, I'll be having "FICTIONAL" interviews with the bloggers who spend their time reading "The Royal Scribbles". I'm hoping you guyz like it and it's entertaing enuf to get you guyz interested and our ratings/comments soaring lol, I tried to think of a way to order the guests but i'll do it the way I've always done things here...Randomly.

Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and girlz welcome our first guest ever on the show, She'll be heading to the motherland for some time so we decided to invite her here first, you may remember her from posts such as Links ,hook-ups ,jump-offs ,flings etc and Rape within marriage...Give a warm round of clicks for juiceegal!!!!

Robby Scribbles: It's so nice to have you on the post, how do feel being our first guest ever Juiceegal

Juiceegal: It's nice to be here Scribbles and I'm really excited, thanks for having me

Robby Scribbles: So Juiceegal is it? that's a really fruity name, do u have a thing for fruits or is like fetish or high skool nickname or something?

Juiceegal: It's not a fetish for sure, nd it's not really cos of fruits cos u know juices don't come from just fruits, it cud be vegetable juice u know, like a carrot or Tomatoe or something although science has proven that Tomatoes are actually fruits but u get the gist right? I just took words I thot were sexy and true nd put them together to describe myself.

Robby Scribbles:...Wow...that's alot of words. Tell me a lil' bit about urself Juiceegal, do u always talk this much

Juiceegal: Nooo I don't, My bad, I'm just excited that's all, there's really nothing to tell, I'm an average, confident, sexy, outgoing intelligent chick, I love writting and I love meeting new people. That's it really. Oh I'm a lawyer as well..how did I skip that lol? U know Scribbles, you look much taller in person?

Robby Scribbles:Thank you my dear, I'm 6ft+ of Igbo manliness aren't I? Is that all you've noticed?

Juiceegal: Well u r kinda cute but that's all I'm saying for now

Robby Scribbles: What do u think about me getting Head

Juiceegal:I beg ur pardon...what did u just say? I'll have you know Scribbles I come from a very respectable home and innuendoes like dat won't fly wiv me I tell you! It is this what this show is about? You get pple to come here and....

Robby Scribbles:...Nooo that's not what I meant! you see my little cousin's got a birthday coming up and I'm thinking of getting him a bag for skool but I can't seem to figure out which one to get 4rm dis friggin Argos magazine, I'm stuck between this Adidas bag and this Head bag...I wud never flirt wiv you on international blogvision...that's why we have a MySpace my dear!!!

Juiceegal: Ohhh My I'm so sorry...I feel a tad bit embarrased....I think you shud take the Head bag, it's looks bigger and spacious and looks like it cud hold alot of books

Robby Scribbles: That's a very good suggestion...good and ambioguos lol. What are you up to now Juiceegal?

Juiceegal: U know I'm taking a lil trip as well. I'm going to Nigeria for three months...going to get my freak on motherland style u know

Robby Scribbles: Yes I read ur comment on the Sir Scribbles blog before the post. Is there someone special waiting for you there perhaps?

Juiceegal: I hope so! I'd hate to go back to Nigeria and find out he's been sleeping around and has a hooker for a jump off cos that wud just be mean and hurtful and I'd probably have to castrate him cos he'd have broken my heart and all dat but I'd do it slowly and painfully so he'd know he done a naughty thing but I trust him though and I'm sure he won't want to get dismembered

Robby Scribbles: All I heard was hooker and castrate...He's a very lucky man!! Sidestepping to another topic, How do u think the youths in the UK comapre wiv the youths in Nigeria.

Juiceegal: Youths in the UK? are you trying to get me killed, u want me to be on BBC right "SEXY BLACK WOMAN STABBED AT THE AIRPORT BY YOUTHS" You want to know wat I think? I think if you take away the Knife crime and the gang violence and the underage sex and the drugs and alchohol they are actually very friendly people and enlightened as well. We've got different cultures so I wudn't say one is better than the other...all I can say is if they'd let parents lay a lil' smacking wivout Child welfare harrassing them the youths can be even more perfect than they already are.

Robby Scribbles: Those are true words my dear friend, so we wish you a safe trip to Nigeria and why don't you bring me back something? Like Kilishi or Kunu, I'd absolutely love you if you cud get me any of the two...or the both of them if your feeling generous...I mean I did make you the first ever guest on our show u know?

Juiceegal: I hope I remember Scribbles cos I'm planning on having so much fun, Kilishi and Kunu you said...here's my number just in case you feel like reminding me.

Robby Scribbles: Oh! your number! that's...interesting...and nice, very nice! I'll be sure to give you a booty call SORRY Phone call later lol. Well that's all we have time for today, it was a pleasure having you on the post Juiceegal and we wish you all d breast PARDON best! Ladies and Gentlemen put ur clicks together for Juiceegal!!!!

Next time on Robby Scribbles' Blog Da Blogger, Robby talks to one of the many commitment-phobic bloggers of blogsville...and my has she got long legs!!!

Please pardon us for the balck and gray colouration on the texts, our Engineers are working on rectifying the problem! Thank you

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Scribblenation: Beautifully Random...

Okay before I start I will just like to say that the Blog idea I have isn't all that oooo! It's just me having fun and not a paper on solving the global economic crisis! In the mean time Scribblenation = Random thoughts and memories....

The year is 1997, my lil bro is still in primary school, he comes home one one day crying and as expected we are all worried. He tells us that during break time in skool, he found out a kid in his class had nicked his chocolate bar from his lunch box, he knew who did it and when accused her she denied it and they got into a row in the class. The head teacher came to seprate them, called my brother a thief and gave the chocolate bar to the girl. My mum's reaction can only be described as Ape Shit! She was absolutely Livid I tell you but by the end of the day she ha calmed down and told my brother to forget about it cos shit happens (not in those exact words lol) The next day I'm in class and someone runs across the hall to the class door and announces that something is going down at Nursery 2B and Miss Elizabeth is in a deep shit. We all run to Nursery 2B, it doesn't register yet that Nursery 2B is my lil bros class yet o! We're at the corridor leading to the class and there's a bunch of pple gathered at the door, I manage to squeeze my way thru to get a glimpse of the action and what do I see...My mumsy is verbally assaulting Miss Elizabeth nd right behind her is my Lil' bro smilling like an evil genius...Miss Elizabeth has got some cohones on her ehn, she was even talking back, In my mind I was like "Shut up, please shut up, stop talking o! u no go hear word..." Then she said my bro was a lying and the shit hit the fan as well as Miss Elizabeth's hearing cos my mum arranged her wiv her classic "Move like a butterfly sting like Amadioha!!! No one ever messed wiv us in skool again...even bullies reconsider sef! She officially made it kool for me to sasy "if you touch me I will tell my mummy"

I hate automatic doors, friggin hate automatic doors, I hate them cos I'm never comfortable approaching one. "is it working?", "what if it's not working?" "Make I no go waka hit glass o!" Wat's wrong wiv a normal door jo! I've actually walked into one b4...nd it wasn't working, nd pple saw me hit the glass...so I'm not paranoid jo!

How come wen pple are on the phone and they're spelling stuff they say "A as in Apple, C as in chair, H as in happy..." but wen I try using that technique my whole primary skool education vanishes, I say "A like...........", As in it's like I go blank...One day I actally said "N like in Know" can you believe that, I'm sure the chick thot I was a retard. Some pple even try and be all cool wv it and say "C like in Capricorn, L like in Lobster, D like in Delta, A like in Albatross ..." bloddy show offs, go join Arm na..dey here dey form "I can talk ajmes Bond on d phone"

I was walking on the street a few days back and I happened to be behind an old woman wiv a trolley and walking stick. Someone's phone rang, the ringtone was Flo Rida's "Right Round"...the old woman brought out her phone and answered, my imagination kicked in, old woman going down low on other 70 year olds in d olds folks home using a drip stand as a pole nd geezers throwing tablets of aspirin instead of $1 bills, she'd probably be called sweet tooth coz she's got just one...why was imagining a 60 yr old pole exotic dancer please? lol

Apparently an old flame still burns brightly...bright enuf to rekindle the fire... ;-)

It's like I commited a crime yesterday oh! Abeg make una help me see problem. Guyz abeg learn 4rm my mistake cos e be like sey I kill pesin yesterday. It was a simple innocent question that turned very ugly very fast...I asked if pregagnancy was that painful and officially became public enemy number one at in my house! My Mum who's had three, My Aunt who's had two and My Sis who's had none all ganged up to answer this singular question wiv a semi violent tirade...I think my aunt wanted to even get physicall seeing as she was the latest child bearer in the room. So I've added pregancy pains to my list of "Things never to discuss wiv chicks" in addition to weight, size and age.

Sir Scribbles II will be celebrating half a century of blogging in his next post and the golden jubilee will be marked by the launch of....
"Robby Scribbles' Blog da Blogger"
...I hope u guyz like it sha...cos una go dey involved somehow lol

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What does it take to be Number 1...

Wahala in dis work is not easy and I'm not even getting paid for it, sometimes I sit down and wonder what someone else wud have done in my shoes, if my younger Sis or Bro were to swap places wiv me wud they make the right decision. You see it takes a whole friggin lot to be the first born in a family, especially the first born Male. It's one of the most tasking, demanding, scrutinized, critical, involuntary mandatory jobs a broda can have. No be sey I fill application for the job oh!

My Grandad died wen my dad was just a kid and becoming a man for him was a struggle and most of the time he had to wing it, he's the first son in a polygamous igbo family and I'm sure Nollywood has given you a generic view of the kinda life he had, he had few mentors and he made a ton of mistakes but that's what made him the peson he is today. He let' me freestyle my life too the same way he did his and I've learned alot form him as well as gathering my own share of nuggets for Manhood. He gives me man-to-man lectures as well but usually he just lets me make decisions and we watch the results unfold...

My mum, as you may have deduced already, is a totally different story, She doesn't believe in freestyle and thinks there's a perfect plan for everyone's life and if you miss it you f@ck up! The fact is she doesn't want me to f@ck up my life and sometimes she can be a lil' over zealous in pointing me in the right direction. The bad thing is she is always right, like 90% of wat she says happens and like 90% of the time I don't listen so to do the maths. I've learned to circumvent my mum's many fears and paranoia and I think it's added to my growth as a person and a Man, apparently all the Men around me did the same thing to their mothers lol. I don't tell her everything cos she doesn't need to know everything cos if she knew everything I've ever done or planned to do she'd have a heart attack lol. I love d woman pieces and you'll find it hard to believe that my fun loving, comical and goofy nature is kinda a reflection of hers....except wen she wants to hand out an ass whooping...that one is just her original concept nd no copy copy for that side!

My Younger Sister is the Bomb, she's probably the collest person I know, second to myself ofcourse. She's intelligent and caring but a mean chick wen she needs to be. I think I'm a a lil' bit, kinda, sorta overprotective of her. I've calmed down these days and given her her privacy but I still find myslef worrying and thinking about stuff concerning her that normally shudn't be my business. One day I was wiv a friend and he asked me if he cud get my sister's number,...I nearly break bottle 4 en head...I prefer he got the number 4rm her and I know nothing about it. I prefer my sister dates a guy for a year and then calls me up one day saying she's engaged rather me knowing the genesis of the realationship 4rm day one. I'm weird yes! but that's d way older brothers are built so deal wiv it. We are designed to stalk, check messages on your phone, ask who's calling and wonder why u r appearing offline to us on messenger, I don't so the first two but the last two always attract a very malicious eyeing 4rm my Sis. She tries to hide things from me these days, she thinks I'll overreact, maybe I will and maybe I won't but the longer she keeps her LDR boyfriend a secret from me the more innocent I'll appear wen my mum finds out so I'm not even complaining lol! Wen we were kids she had a lil book where she wrote some of her thoughts, not like a diary sha. In that book she wrote something which I never told her I saw till today but I'll probably never forget. In her diary she wrote

"...my older brother is so smart but in future I want to be smarter than that Big head Scribbles"

Those words hit me like a mallet, It was a sign that I was setting a standard for them, it was a sign that I was doing the right thing wen it came to setting an example. Since then till date she's done better than me in any exam I've ever written be it WAEC JAMB or wateva. I'm so proud of her but I never really tell her cos I like to form "big bro"...I think she knows though

My Younger bro is just my lil disciple, right 4rm wen he was a kid the boy just copies everything thing I do, wen we were much younger my mum wud ask me wat I wanted to eat, if I said Rice he'd say rice, if I changed my mind and said Pasta he's say Pasta as well, he use to prefer wearing my old clothes to newly bought stuff. Even now that he's a friggin old man he still does the same thing, he comes back on break from skool and ransacks my wardrobe asking "Are you still wearing this?" "What about these trainers?" "Shey u know u won't see these shorts again?"
A week before I came to the UK he called me and in the most sincere and solemn voice said "Scribbles, you know now u have to be sending me trainers every month, I want the new Arsenal jerseys every season and some Pound sterling to show off in skool" I told him no problem that as soon as I smuggle my first kilo to Germany I'll hook him up lol...I used "LOL" there o!...I was joking o!...I don't really do drugs!...I SAID IT WAS A JOKE PUT DOWN THAT PHONE U SNITCH!!!

It's a small world we live in you know, wen I was a senior in Sec skool I wasn't d mean type, I usually kept to myslef and tried to avoud confrontation, there was this kid who I use to help in skool, he was a junior and always came to me for money and stuff. A few years later I was in Uni and my bro called me asking me if I knew one Seun like dat...I cudn't remember who he was talking about until he described the kid I use to help back in d day. Apparently that naive broke junior in sec skool left to another skool which my bro was in and became a sort of "big boi" in the boarding house, he terrorised pple and was one of those "don't f~@k wiv me" boys in skool. Seun saw my bro's last name on his shirt and immediately knew he was my younger brother. My bro told me that he's like an Aristocrat in his skool now cos Seun started looking out for him as a way of repaying the favour to me.

The reason for typing this post wasn't even achieved in the end but ironically I doubt it can even be achieved if I wanted it to. I wanted to detail what being a first born child was like but speaking realistically I doubt it can be summed up in one post.

Btw I'm getting closer to the unveiling of my blog idea oh!..don't get to excited o! Just be willing to participate wen the time comes lol!

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Illiteracy, Ignorance and just plain ol' Stupid!!!

I'm not going to give you a monotonous lecture detailing the difference and simililarities between these three pple modifing words, I'm going to tell you as it hit me when I had a similar conversation wiv someone a few days back....be like sey dis post go long small but I trust u na...just dey scroll dey go!!!

Illiteracy: This is the lack of a education. The lack of a structured form of knowledge impartation, Illiteracy constructs many blockades for pple like Low self-esteem, low expectations, Mediocre aspirations and a pesimistc attitude. In most cases an illiterate will end up being ignorant but sometimes they surprise us and end up being very cognizant and successful due to hard work and a willing spirit to overcome their limitations. Illiteracy is the reason why I didn't smack my lecturer in the head and puncture the tires of his Fiat punto a weeks ago wen he gave us two essays each requiring 7000 words. Illiteracy is the reason why I went to a University that doesn't allow boyz and girlz to talk to each other in public unless they want to go home indefinitely and still survived till graduation, this same illiteracy was wat made me chew grains of coffee in an attempt to stay awake so I cud read for an exam d next day, drinking it seemed not to work so I took some in my hand nd threw it in my mouth...bitter as friggin Ogwu iba (Traditional Igob malaria medicine). It sha worked and I stayed up all night except that d next day I felt like used tissue paper, I wrote d exam alright but I was functioning like a retard afterwards, I cudn't even sleep, it was like I was high or something, I cudn't even talk well sef...imagine a turtle on crack...I think that's how I felt

Ignorance: Ignorance is lack, the lack of uselful information, lack of applicable information, lack of knowldege. Ironically, an illterate doesn't always end up ignorant and an educated man can be a fountain of ignorance as well. Ignorace is like a cancer that spreads as the fruits of illiteracy and the pride of the education take hold of the common sense of a man. Ignorance is subtle in the beginning starting wiv simple mistakes, it never reveals itself to its symbiote but will never pass up an opportunity to embarrass it wivout the host even knowing. Pride leads to ignorance and is an excuse for ignorance to manifest so consequently proud pple are usually stupid...why? cos common sense dictates that wen in need of information humility will always build a bridge to the supply. Ignorance can also be a result of unenlightenment and contrary to popular belief enlightenment doesn't always come wiv literacy. I watched a sort of interview on youtube about some journalist abi na politician dat said black kids are kids wiv no hope and will probably end up as gangbangers and drug dealers. He said we have usually have a low IQ and will more often than not amount to nothing in life and are a danger to the society...Abeg just watch it for urself nd judge cos I was so pissed ehn, dis guy was actually d reason why I started this post!

Rascism and it's political or societal issues are very touchy subjects and I usually don't partake in the arguments...but this is just wrong, wrong stupid and very Ign'ant...I'd like to take a metal pipe and play badminton wiv his cranium but that wud just be proving his point wudn't it? There's a saying that wen the lights go out we are all d same colour/black, unfortunately some pple can't help but sneak a flashlight into the room so they can still tell d difference.

Stupidity: This is an excessive, unadulterated exhibition of ignorance. Unfortunately the enlightened and Ign'ant are susceptible to the manifestation of stupidity. Sometimes it's minor and neglible and other times it's just to glaring and unforgivable that all you can say is "YOU ARE STUPID!" In the case of the literate and enlightened it's a chance to get a glimpse of the imperfections in our nature and these little pockets of weakness help remind us that we are merely human and make mistakes. As for the Ign'ant and illiterate it's a chance to see them in their raw form wivout pretence and conformity. I might be willing to overlook and even consider the more comical aspect of the bribery and palm greasing cancer of our dear nation but sometimes it's more stupidity than an illegal avenue of income. My younger brother, age 14, came to spend his easter holiday wiv us in the UK...d lucky bastard lol...wen I was his age I use to spend easter holidays in the village...last borns are also so lucky ehn! Wen he was going back he had to travel alone and wen he arrived at the International airport in naija you'd think he'd get minimal hassle coz he's young and travelling alone right? Highest wud be a routine questioning concerning the reason why he was alone shey?...trust naija na! we dey always dey different. Customs told my 14 yr old brother that he won't be allowed to enter the country cos he had contraband...contra'gini u ask? Imagine how scared he was, then they said they'd let him enter if he gave them sonetin' small, Classic last born naivieness kicks in and my bro doesn't understand wat they mean, then they elaborate on how £50 can grant my legal nigerian brother entry into his own country which he had just been barred 4rm because he just arrived on an international flight 4rm a country whose exchange rate value turns their dignity into mush. He tells them he hasn't got any money and is a student in naija who just wen to see his family for easter and is going back to skool that weekend, Omo they no hear word o! it turned into an bargain for entry, they asked for £45...he said he didn't have, how about £3o...e no get, £20 and you can enter wiv ur bags...I have no money on me I'm just 14, you know wat? we'll settle for £5, surely u have £5 on you...he said he didn't. They got annoyed and detained him for almost an hour...dis is a friggin 14yr old boy oh! I doubt he's ever bribed someone b4 and now he's being treated like a drug dealer. He had to pretend he was using the toilet just so he could call my Dad if he had any chance of leaving the airport...tell me this isn't just plain ol' stupid

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Yesterday....

I woke up this morning terrified mehn! I had I dream dat I died and went to hell nd let me tell you I was scared stiff wen I woke up...I don't even want to go into details...I just woke up nd looked around nd thanked God it was just a dream...Baba God if it is a sign don't worry, I dey reach church 2moro most def!

So I went for the Medical check up as required by this my prospective job yesterday and for the record I don't think I've ever had a medical b4 except wen my Uni checked all graduates for STDs but that's a story for another post. Anyway I was kinda anxious cos I've had doubts about my health, It's nothing major o, just that wen I'm drinking a glass of coke I'm think Ddabetes and wen I'm Jamming DJ Zeez on my Ipod I'm think deafness lol. So I found the clinic and filled in the form. My appointement was for 4pm but I was there really early so I did mine sharp sharp. A male nurse takes me into a room and asks me if I drink, smoke or take drugs, obviously no! Then he says he wants to check for Diabetes, remember I've not had a medical b4 so I wen he said he wanted to check for Diabetes the first thing that came to my mind was he was going to cut a piece of chocolate and give me to eat and if I attacked him for the rest then I was diabetic lol. Anyway he gives me one of those medical shot glasses and says he needs a Lil' urine sample...I hate giving Urine samples! Thers's just something uncomfortable about doing a number one into a small cup and giving it to someone for examination...I just feel weird but I guess it's better than giving a stool sample right? So I number 1 into the cup, cover it and clean it wiv a tissue b4 I hand it to the guy lol. He asks me to open it...Mad man! Shey na Sir Scribbles II liquid this guy dey treat like acid? He sticks a lil paper in it and waits a few seconds, for some reason I was scared that I might be diabetic....that easter party was just a sugar festival so I won't be surprised lol. He throws it in the bin and say it's perfect...WHOOHOO!!! I was so relieved ehn u won't believe.

He takes me into another room and tells me he wants to check my blood pressure, he straps my arm wiv the inflating blood pressure checker gizmobobulator (yes I'm medically Ig'nant lol) and after the first try he says I shud try and take deep breaths cos my blood pressure is too high...O BOY! that statement did more harm than good and he had to check it 3 times before I calmed down...I started thinking of something to calm me down and I swear what came to my mind was Kilishi! My mum brought Kilishi 4rm naija wen she came over and that help my blood pressure normalise. It's funny wat tension can do you know, he checked for colour blindness nd I nearly messed up not cos I cudn't see it but cos I was tense. Then he told me to do one of those alphabetic reading things, I stood behind line and put one hand over my right eye and started reading it slowly, I was seeing everything clearly oh but see as my left eye wan fall my hand in public, wen I got to the last line my eyes began to water and I cudn't see it well...see as I dey guess letters like Illiterate ehn! Sha my right eye compensated cos I read it again like it was a poem. Oga then check my height, you won't believe that I don't know how tall I am, I'm sha 6'2'' baby!! Mamas keep ur daughters locked up cos Godzilla is coming out to play lol! I can now walk around town saying "Fi fie fo fum, I smell the blodd of an English man"...although I might get arrested...and deported....cos it sounds rascist...LOL! He does a hearing test and I passed that as well so he sends me to a doctor wo'll check my lungs and heart.

Doctor places a stethoscope (LOL...not so ig'nant now am I?) on my chest and tells me he needs to check my blood pressure again cos my heart is raising, now I'm just angry wiv myself, "calm d hell down" I tell myself. I'm going to a peaceful place, wiv clear blue skies, and flowers...and Megan Good in a night gown...I'm so friggin calm right now ehn lol! Anyway the BP is steady and normal thank God so I passed the Medical, dat's two down and two to go...abeg help me ask them which kin job dey require so much assesment! So I'm not diabetic, have a normal BP, hear and see perfect and my heart nd lungs are perfect...remain small I 4 be bulletproof!

Don't lie oh! U know dis happens to you, have you ever noticed how when pple are observing a minutes silence for a tragedy you somehow tend to want to say something? during those silent 60 minutes it's like you want to explode, you've been talking everyday of your life before today but 60 minutes of obligatory silence feels like torture lol. U don't have a cold oh but u feel like sneezing, u even think you'll fart sef...it's crazy lol!

One of the most powerful abbreviations in the online vocabulary is "LOL", do you know how powerful it is? if you don't know how somebody will interpret a reply u sent during a chat u just throw in an "LOL", if you leave a comment on someone's post and you don't know if the person's a cantankerous dolt who'll think you wanna start something you just throw in an "LOL" at the end of the seemingly ambiguous sentence. Sometimes ur not even laughing out loud in reality but it's like a protocol if you want to live in peace online, like pple prostrating or somthing. Heck I throw them in at the beginning and end of a sentece so you get the message that Sir Scribbles comes in peace lol!

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